In Too Deep, But I Have Mad Shovel Skills

Only me. Only I find myself in such situations that lead my friends to shake their head and watch the train wreck unfold.

I had a plan for my old age. I would buy the house next to Fred and sit on my porch yelling at him to get his dog off my lawn. I would threaten to call the police if he didn't turn down his death metal because it was keeping me awake even though my hearing aide was out. I hated it when I was in my 20's and I'm pretty sure I will hate it in my golden years. We'd grow old together as neighbors tormenting each other. Well it wouldn't be the 1st time I went Taylor Swift on his ass and that scenario isn't going to happen. We are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together. I'm pretty sure I will just grow old as the lonely, crazy cat lady - I will just be spared the house in Texas.

The thing is every time I resign myself to being content with that scenario. The gods of love or perhaps the blogosphere decide to present me with a reminder that "he" is out there, but "he" is nothing more than said reminder. It reminds me that anytime I decide maybe I should lower my standards for the sake of I've seen everything I want on Netflix, that "he" would be the ONE, but there is always that pesky thing called "HE DOESN'T LIVE IN SO CAL". Yuma, England & this time somewhere in Eastern Standard Time.

Yes, you are rolling your eyes, shaking your head, saying to yourself "here we go again". It's ok. I did too. I wasn't even looking this time. I know it's the stuff that those romance stories I can't write are made of. Girl flirts with boy on social media (no not a dating site - that ship sailed awhile ago), boy responds. They start talking and the chemistry is undeniable. They share a passion of writing, He's well educated and brings her to her knees with the slightest of things he types. He can weave a story that leaves her longing for more. She falls asleep running everything he says in her head before she goes to sleep. It's all pretend though. A fabulous fauxmance. Never could two people have something so amazing that will never be.

But why? If it's fiction - the ending could be written any way she chooses. It can't though. He's across the country, he is out of her league living a life she could only imagine. He has his career; he is going places. She is just lucky enough that someone so amazing could light a fire in her that she forgot burned. He inspires her to write things that bring a non-romance reading man to his knees. When he says she is beautiful, she believes that he means it. She is; he was just smart enough to see beyond that beauty. She believes he may be the most brilliant man she will ever encounter. It's a fauxmance sprinkled in truth.

They will continue the game until the fire burns down like it will. It always does. He will find someone closer, someone more versed to his lifestyle. She will let herself believe that he will never meet anyone as perfect for him as her. He won't, but she is to him what he is to her. The ONE, just not the ONE meant to be this time around. It happens.

Apparently she is getting really good at pretend romances. Perhaps it's just a preface for the real one she refuses to admit she wants. That doesn't mean she isn't going to write a few more amazeball love letters though just to foster his attention a wee bit longer.

After all, it's what I - ahem  - I mean she does best!

Homesick

I blame my friend and fellow blogger Tim Re (you should read him - he's good!).  He decided that since his ex-wife took the kids to Buffalo to see her family for Christmas; he would take the long trek from South Carolina back to our hometown of Vandalia, Ohio for Christmas.  Couple that with the fact that our fair city and the rest of the Midwest got pounded by a serious snow storm and I have one gnarly case of homesickness.

Now this is a weird feeling for me.  I never get homesick.  I left the cold winters of Ohio for the balmy ones of Southern California 15 years ago and have been back exactly four times since.  After having a falling out with a close family member, the urge to come home hasn't really struck me until now.  Now I do get insatiable cravings for a local chicken wing restaurant  called Frickers, but that's because they don't know how to do wings right out here. That is as far as it goes when it comes to thinking about that 6 hour flight across country. I have a lot of close friends who still live back east and thanks to Facebook I keep in regular touch, but it isn't the same.  I have my 4 best friends who are only a text message or phone call away, but again it isn't the same.  I want to have a girls night out with Tania and Lisa as we drink too much wine and catch up on old times.  I have never met Susie's two kids.  I want to meet Wally's two kids.  I want to see Susie's parents.  I want to catch up with Amber and David and David and all the others it's been too damn long since I've seen.

I don't know why I have an insane urge to be in snow.  I hate being cold.  I go to great lengths to insure I stay warm.  I can usually be found with a tank top under a shirt, a cardigan over the shirt and a scarf from about October to February.  I don't care how ugly my Ugg knockoffs are - they keep my toes warm. The only time I like it cold is when I am sleeping, but even then I have on fleece pajama bottoms with a tank top (I like tank tops - what can I say?) and sleep with 2 blankets and a comforter.  I hate socks, but come winter - I live in them.  All of a sudden though - I want to be out trudging through snow.  Listening to that silence you only experience when snow is falling.  I want to see Christmas lights shining in a winter wonderland (it's Ohio - chances are come March - the same lights will still be up.  They may not be lit, but still up nonetheless.)  I want to gaze out the window and look at an unmarred landscape at sunrise because it's too early for people to be out making tracks.  I may have posted all of this in a previous post & if so - I apologize.  It's just very relevant at this exact moment.

I guess it's mostly because as much as I think I want to go home - I know I can't afford it.  Airfare isn't cheap and I couldn't afford a rental car when I got there.  You tend to want things more when you know you can't have it.  So in the meantime - I will continue to do as I always do.  Facebook the distant friends and call and text the close ones.  While we are apart in person, we are together in spirit.  In the end that's all that matters. 

When I was in High School - we did this song in Show Choir.  While I was none too happy about who my partner was when I had to sing it - I think Ms. Diana Ross in the Wiz sums it up nicely.  I do love me some Diana Ross!

I

I'm glad the Mayans Got it Wrong!

Well according to the Mayans it's supposed to be the end of the world, but  I am still here. None the worse for wear except I think I am catching a cold.  Nothing like being sick for Christmas, but at least I have 4 days to recover.  With a little over a week until the new year and the non-realistic possibility of Armageddon, it got me thinking. This is not usually a good thing, but for once - it isn't a bad thing.

This year, I am not writing resolutions.  They are usually just a list of things I will fail to accomplish anyways.  For instance, I would LOVE to be running, but while my foot is finally healed from the toes breaks, it DOES not like the hard impact of the run.  So I couldn't resolve that.  I could resolve to just exercise more in general, but quite frankly if I get those rare nights at home - I'm hard pressed to leave my bed.  You will find me decked in fleece pajamas and in a Bravo or Netflix coma.  Thank goodness my tv & PS3 both have a sleep timer because I always fall asleep midway through anything I am watching.  I could resolve to find love, but that isn't something you find.  It finds you and the harder you look, the more elusive it seems. Besides - love is the last thing I need complicating my life at the moment. 

Instead I am going to just go with my flow.  I am trying very hard to revamp my style from frumpy mom of a boy who lives in jeans and a hooded sweatjacket to more demure and feminine.  I lost that girly girl vibe somewhere and never recovered her.  My last few years in Ohio, I owned 1 pair of jeans. My entire wardrobe consisted of short skirts, dresses, Mary Janes and 1 pair of Airwalk skate shoes.  Now I am 20 years older and would look ridiculous trying to even maintain that look, but I am still not really sure about this whole grownup look either. I replaced my hoodie with a peacoat style jacket.  I tend to wear my knee high boots a lot and I am addicted to my scarves. I won't lie though.  I was given a Converse.com e gift certificate and hell yes I designed a pair of black Chucks with pink accents/  I am however FINALLY becoming comfortable in my own skin.  I am accepting of the fact that this weight isn't coming off quickly or anytime soon.  Someone will have to accept me flab and all or they aren't going to be worth my time.  I am really hoping that the men in Colorado aren't as concerned with the whole Barbie with a Passport philosophy.  I am in an OK place with the ex. 

I am going to try to maintain my more positive outlook.  This is hard for me because I am a "yes the glass is empty and why the hell can't you get off your ass and refill it - why do you want me to do it" type.  I have made huge strides in that this year and hope to continue on that path.  I think the biggest thing that I did accomplish was finally, really really donkey banishing Fred from my life.  He was really drunk one day and finally professed everything I had ever wanted to hear.  He loved me, he always has and will never love anybody ever the way he loved me.  Then he shut me out completely.  I reached out to him when I was low because the divorce was final.  He ignored me.  I reached out to him when I was published on Midlifebloggers.com which was a HUGE high for me.  He ignored me.  I in turn sent him a kiss off text message telling him when I'm famous, he'll cry himself to sleep over losing my love TWICE and too bad.  Then I deleted his phone number from both my phones and the facebook post where he gave it to me that I always fell back on every time I swore him off in the past.  I honestly have no way of reaching him anymore and I am ok with that.  I should have stuck to it every other time I swore him off, but the heart is stupid and never listens to the brain!

Life is good as the year ends.  I can't tell you when I have ever been able to say that. So bring on 2013.  I embrace it.  I look forward to my move out of state.  I look forward to the adventures it brings.  I look forward to what the new year being single brings me both good and bad. 

What a World We Live In,

I have a 1st grader.  I didn't discuss the Sandy Hook shootings with my son this weekend.  His is six and a half, he is innocent and sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.  Truthfully he didn't ask me anything about it and quite frankly I didn't want to discuss it with him.  The last thing I need or want is to have him afraid to go to school over a "what if". And he would.  He is sensitive like that.  He is at that age where he knows enough about death that he always asks what happens to me if you or daddy die?  He wants to know when he is going to die.  All he really knows about it is that his great grandma, his great grandpa and his cat are in heaven with Michael Jackson. (His words --  not mine).  It was hard enough having to explain why when he is playing outside,  he can't go past where I can no longer see him in  the window.  I had to tell him about Samantha Runnion in the most delicate terms possible.  I had to let him know that not everybody is as nice as he is is or we think they should be.

I admit is was a little hard to drop him off at school this morning, but I did because our lives go on.  And now we deal with the knee jerk reaction going around the country.  The biggest thing I hear is "We need better gun control."  Well it is my understanding that the guns belonged to the shooters mother.  So it isn't really a matter of a gun got sold to a minor, or a mentally unstable person or a criminal.  It belonged to a kindergarten teacher who up until Friday everyone was OK that she owned one.  Do we now restrict all parents from owning guns on the off chance their child may use it to harm others?  Did you know that the same day this tragedy happened; one also happened in China?  22 children were slashed before school along with an elderly woman.  China has strict gun control laws, so knives are the weapon of choice.  We can mandate the strictest gun control laws out there, but as long as there are people out there hell bent to hurt someone - they will find a way.

The way this country deals with mental illness and other disabilities is unreal.My best friend's son has Aspergers and I watch her battle her school district and his school because they can't seem to follow is IEP.  This story broke my heart: I am Adam Lanza's mother.  I personally  have first hand experience trying to navigate mental instability with the state.  I was uninsured and depressed.  My marriage at that point was irreparable.  I was working but wasn't making great money.  My world had hit that spin where I had to let go because there was nothing left to grasp and my head was gone.  I made an appointment at the county agency  and left because I couldn't afford to be seen.  I was called back and numbers were reworked so I could be seen.  When I finally was - I was basically told that unless I was homeless and preaching to nobody in particular on street corners - they wouldn't help me.  They gave me a list of numbers to call - none of whom were affordable except one.  He was a Vietnamese doctor who was not licensed a psychologist or psychiatrist; he saw everybody for every ailment  He gave me something to help with anxiety and allergies.  It didn't help because I didn't have anxiety.  A few weeks later after a brutal fight with the ex - I popped the entire bottle of Atarax and went for a walk. I went to the ER, but changed my mind and walked home.  30 minutes later I was being carted by ambulance to the same ER I had walked to and found myself on suicide watch with an armed guard at my door.  The social worker decided to side with the ex's version of events (patients rights my ass) and found myself strapped to a gurney at 2 am and transported the overnight psych facility.  The doctor there saw that I was harmless and told me I could go home in the morning.  I was also told I was guaranteed an appointment at the same state agency who refused me earlier because I had made an actual attempt on my life.  You know what the agency told me?  We don't have to see you - you weren't actually committed.  10 grand later - I was still depressed, no help and no longer allowed to purchase a gun because I was initially put on 5150. 

I am not trying to minimize the tragedy that occurred in Connecticut.  I think it is  a horrible and tragic loss.  I was devastated for all the families involved.  I was initially angered, but I didn't have all the facts.  I really don't think gun control is the issue here.  It's just easier for the lemmings to band together on a broad issue than to tackle the real issues behind the person holding the gun, who pulled the trigger, that released the bullet, that took an innocent life so therefore ipso de facto nobody should own guns.  Now the LAPD is going to have an officer visit every elementary school and middle school every day.  If this was such an issue - why weren't they there everyday BEFORE this travesty happened?  My son's school had a meeting to placate the parents letting them know what they would do in the same situation.  I didn't attend. Like most CA schools, his is gated and locked.  It's only unlocked before and after school.  It will be interesting to see if they are locked after school today. We as a society are going to be willing to give up many freedoms so that another tragedy won't occur, but there is always going to be someone who will beat the system.  Someone who gets around it and something bad happens anyways. 

I can't lock my son up to never see the light of day again because a sex offender might live down the street, because we have homeless man who pushes carts in our neighborhood because he got kicked out of the garage next to our building, or because something, somewhere may happen and it may or may not directly affect him.  I can't shelter him from everything,  Does it scare the shit out of me to think that he may not be safe at school?  Hell yes it does, but he may not be safe anywhere though. I could get carjacked at the corner as we are on our way to  drop him off to school.  Probably won't happen - but it could.  Instead of instilling the fear of what it- we are going to live in the right now. I won't forget what happened and I will keep my eyes open a little broader to the surroundings - but I am going to let him be a kid.  If he asks me about it - we'll tackle it.  Until then, I will say a prayer for him when he goes to bed and for all the families of this tragedy too.  I think that's my point.  We shouldn't forget what happened, but I don't think we should knee jerk react- but sadly it's what we do.

Holiday Humbugs 2.0

Being single is usually a great thing except for those occasions requiring a date and the December and February holidays.

Every year I seems to get the holiday humbugs.  I'm really not sure why I am being hit with them this year.  It is the first year I have ever outspent the ex on Christmas presents.  Gman told Santa he wanted a Nintendo DS 3DXL which he is getting and a guitar which I can't promise.  He got his Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory DVD early because he was sick (the one with Gene Wilder - not the Johnny Depp atrocity), and still has his Silly Slippeez Sharks under the tree.  That's around $300+ to dad's $40.00 on a Razr Scooter.  Gman's tree is decorated and while it took me a few weeks - so are his front window & bedroom window.  Heck - this is even the 1st year his dad agreed to take him shopping for me.  This should be a great holiday.

It isn't

I hate this time of year.  I hate all the happy Christmas Carols.  I hate the commercials where the person comes out and finds a luxury car with a big red bow on it. I hate the stupid inflatable snowmen underneath a palm trees out here.  Why?  Maybe because the average temperature here is mid 60's to 70's.  Maybe because I haven't seen snow since the last time I was home which was 10 years ago?  Maybe because we are inundated with commercials of the woman opening the little box to find something shiny in it as the man she loves attaches something equally as sparkly around her neck. Maybe because it means that if I don't want to spend the holidays alone I have to suck up to my ex and play nice.  Maybe it's because I am a control freak who is rarely in control and find myself navigating uncharted waters.

Sure I can use having to watch my son as an excuse to miss the work Holiday party because I don't want to show up solo.  Sure I can go out and buy myself something sparkly even though it will be as fake as breasts on a Beverly Hills housewife.  I don't want to though.  This is the time of year I want to stroll hand in hand with someone as we walk down the street looking at Christmas lights.  I want a present that I didn't buy or take my son out shopping to buy me.  I want someone to buy that perfect present for that isn't a 6 years old. I don't get snow living near the beach;  so I want someone I can snuggle up next to as we listen to the rain fall and drink hot chocolate.  I want the ABC Family Christmas movie happy ending.

I will get none of this though.  So, I will indeed suck up to the ex and try to place nice even though as of last night I was banned until January (don't worry - I'm not - even my son knows these bans never last more than a few days).  I will pretend not to care when there is nothing for me to open even though I will have to cough up the cash so Gman can give his dad a gift.  Come New Years Eve, I will kiss the cat at midnight like I have done for the past 7 years (provided the ban isn't in effect) because there is nobody else to kiss.  Then I will start January with a list of resolutions that will not hold past the 31st.  Why?  Because this is my life and as much as I want to change it - I don't know how. I am taking baby steps to try to change it, but Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will Kathy 42.0.

Well here is to wishing for my own Christmas miracle. That maybe for once - just once - things will go my way.  Even if it doesn't happen -  I wish you Happy Holidays no matter how you celebrate it. I hope it is filled with warmth, love and laughter and maybe something sparkly.  I may be grinchy - but not heartless!

This Kiss

 It's the thing that fairy tales are made of.  Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel and  the list goes on and on because their fates were unsealed with a kiss. (Well Ariel's was sealed by the fact she didn't get one and vanished into sea foam - but Disney chose to rewrite the ending.) Every Chick Flick ends with one. There are songs galore sung about it: Kiss- Prince, Kiss On My List -  Hall & Oates, Kiss Me- Sixpence None the Richer, This Kiss - Faith Hill.  You can't escape the kiss.

The first kiss is so daunting.  It dictates what,  if anything that comes next. Whether you are going to make it to date two, or whether you aren't going to make it home until the following morning.  If you are too aggressive; you may scare off the one you hope to attract.  If you are too leisurely; you risk losing the interest of said person. The best are somewhere in between and one that leaves the person longing for more as you part ways.  It is the kiss that I look forward to the most.  I dream about kissing the most inappropriate of people.  I long for the man who has excited my mind (and possibly body) with the skillful art of lips and tongue as his scent lingers on my clothes long after he is gone.

I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed.  I made up for lost time since.  I have twothat have left an indelible imprint in my brain that I fall back to when I am feeling nostalgic.

When I first met K, he was dating someone else and that someone else was not a fan of me.  One evening I found myself at a mutual acquaintance's apartment when lo and behold he came in because he was staying there.  He and his girlfriend had broken up and we spent the entire evening just talking and hanging out.  He walked me home because we weren't quite ready to end our evening.  Another hour of hanging out on my couch with my room-mates and out of nowhere, he leaned in just laid one on me.  Never in my life had the entire room spun while we remained stationary engrossed in only each other.  When I got my land legs back when the kiss had ended - my room-mate dragged me into the bedroom to find out what they hell I was doing because everybody knew K&D were THE couple.  Nobody seemed to know they broke up.  It didn't matter - I was his from that moment on,

Flash forward two years later and after a final break up and multiple failed attempts to get him back - I ran into him downtown in Fountain Square.  I had a large bag in my hand because I had bought a comforter for my bed and was heading for my bus. It was 5:00 and the city was bustling.  We exchanged a few pleasantries, but  I couldn't tell you what led him to kiss me; but he did. This time the world stopped spinning and stood still.  All sounds were drowned into silence.  At that moment - all there was was me and him locked in a passion that I would never experience again. I never did get him back either.

B was different.  I met him at a club and I think I scared him because I commented on how I loved his t-shirt and I knew that it was Dream from the Sandman series. He had a deer in the headlights look about him (probably from the manner in which I accosted him) and that made him that much more endearing to me.  At the end of the night as the club was clearing out, I ran into him in the parking lot. After a few awkward exchanges - he finally asked me to go grab a bite to eat.  I had to drop my friend off at home and he followed me way out of his regularly traveled route.  We found a Denny's near by, ate, exchanged numbers and went on our way.  He followed me back into a more familiar part of town and I saw him pull into a gas station.  Apparently he still didn't know quite where he was and was stopping to get directions.  I pulled in to tell him where to go and leaned in to kiss me through my driver's side window.  He later said it was like a tractor beam pulled him into me (he was a HUGE Star Wars fan). Most would consider making out at a gas station at 3 am terribly gauche, but it was amazing.  I think it was just more the whole culmination of the night as a whole, but it certainly ranks as a favorite.

It is all about the kiss.

Psychos and Sex aka These Things Only Happen to Me!

How was your weekend?  Mine was FAB U LOUS (again with the OC over syllabatizing).  It started out on Friday night when I went to my friend's house to help celebrate her birthday and I got a text message that simply said "BITCH".  It was from a number in an area code that I usually don't date guys from because of the California traffic.  When I asked who it was - I was simply told it was from some guy I screwed over and how he hoped I was happy with myself.  I tried in vain to figure this out and finally got his name which was no help but it was the name of another guy I had been talking to online so I was REALLY confused at that point because I had never talked to him off the dating site.  I had no idea who this person was - but he knew my name, knew details and had my number.  Saturday was more of the same from him.

Sunday, I get another message from him berating me telling me that he would have treated me like a queen, given me a home so I didn't have to rent a room and had a place for my son, would have paid for my entire schooling and would have let me quit my job and supported me 100%, but girls like me don't like nice guys.  Within a few texts, he gave me the details of what exactly in his head I did to screw him over and I finally figured out who he was.  Some crazy dude who was already buying presents for me before we had moved past texting to a real phone call and before we had a chance to meet.  That freaked me out and I blew him off hard.  8 months later he is texting me about how horrible I am of a person.  I may have my own issues - but that dude takes the cake!  I feel extremely justified in my decision to no longer talk to him - I have enough cray cray in my life!

Saturday was a milestone for me. It was the first night I got to go out as a single lady (don't you dare put a ring on it). I was celebrating above mentioned friend's birthday and my divorce and I had only one objective. I would lock lips with someone before I passed out that night. I went to great lengths to help this objective along. A $45 haircut and style (because your hair never looks as good when you do it yourself), $20 on a top that I didn't wear (it was too work wearish), $4.99 6" pink glittered wedge heels (they were sooo badass  & regularly $30) and $10 RED lipgloss in the exact shade Gwen Stefani wore in Settle Down. I've lost some weight and have been running & biking so I ROCKED my miniskirt (the heels helped too) I was ready to go on the prowl to find a man the old fashioned way - drunk at a bar.

I was very proud of myself because I was social and tried to be flirty. Of course I was rather drunk too, but I am very social when I'm drunk which explains a lot about my twenties. I talked to lots of guys and danced until my amazing heels were no longer comfortable. By nights end though - my objective had failed to be met.

Or so I thought.

Only I could go out to a bar to meet a guy and instead end up with a guy from a dating site.

He had messaged me earlier in the evening and I was trying to lure him to the club I was at, but instead he invited me over afterwards.  I ended up breaking a bazillion rules that night

1. Personal rule - no sex with guys from the internet because my thought is if he is asking me - how many other chickas has he asked? How many other others have accepted? How little game must you have to proposition a head shot?
2. Online dating 101 - Meet in a public place.  After a poll of a few random strangers at the club who also agreed- my friend and I decided in my drunken state that it was great idea to drop me off at his place.
3. Online dating 101- Meet for coffee not alcoholic beverages.  Yeah well that went out the door after 5 rum and cokes and a glass of wine before I even left the club!
4. Online dating 101 and Patti Stanger rule (I worship her for her dating sensibility)  - don't have sex on the first date. I have no excuse for failing that one except it really wasn't a date per se  and well - those shoes were just way too fabulous to just end up on my floor - that might have been the alcohol talking at the time though.

Ok - so I only broke 4 rules, but they were big ones.  I do give my friend props for doing her due dilligence in her interrogation of the guy (What's your name?  Last name, spell it, You aren't psycho are you?  Please don't kill her) Now I am not going to give out lavish details - but this was a HUGE step for me and one I fully admit I wouldn't have taken sober.  I am always so caught up in my own head and the rules of dating in your 40's. I don't want to be one of those women who once they are divorced sleep with every man that crosses their path - again - I'm not in my twenties anymore.  My thought process is how I want to be respected for my mind and  not just wanted for my body.  How there is more to me than an amazing rack no matter how fab Belinda and Belylse are.  That holy hell - the prospect of trying to even think about getting naked in front of somebody for the 1st time my in my larger state scares the shit out of me.  That after many years with the same person where it became so routine that it was more mechanical than passionate - what if I don't even remember how to not have sex by rote? 

But because my levels of intoxication were at a level where I was loose enough to not care about anything I listed above  - I learned that a total stranger thought I was hot and my size didn't matter.  I learned that L'oreal Infallible Le Gloss while may be 8 hour wear proof it is NOT kiss proof.  I learned I still remember EXACTLY what I'm doing.

AND

After almost a year a 4 months - I not only got that kiss I was yearning for - I also got that elusive kiss goodnight when I was taken home (yes my friend was TOTALLY relieved he wasn't psycho and I didn't make it home in a trash bag), and a very nice text the following morning.  This is more than any of those damn coffee interrogations gave me.

It was the BEST NIGHT EVER!

A Taxing Decision

I am not political.  I know that politicians will say what they think you want to hear to get elected and do what they want when they get elected.  I know that when a Democrat is in the office my conservative friends bemoan it for four to eight years.  When we have a  Republican in the office although the conservatives like to post a lot of pictures of Ronald Reagan.  With all that being said - I do find myself leaning more towards the conservative side as I grow older.  Obamacare raised my current insurance plan 300% next year and my options to replace it weren't great.  I do get free birth control and penicillin which may serve me well if I ever have sex again, but that is the only positive I see from it.  With all that being said, Prop 32 in California just threw a serious wrench in my life and I'm none too happy about it.  

For those of you not in CA and not familiar with it - it was a law passed basically requiring big businesses to pay higher taxes and all the money is supposed to go to the schools. I am all for improving the school systems out here.  I have watched my college tuition take serious rate hikes with numerous classes being cut while the president of the school gave himself a hefty raise "so the school could stay competitive".  My son goes to public school and we are fortunate enough to be in a decent district.  Overall though - if big businesses have to pay more to fund our under performing schools - they are going to leave the state - plain and simple. California is damn near bankrupt and the last thing they need is a mass exodus of businesses who don't feel they should have to pay more because they are profitable.  Add a multi-billion dollar light rail system the state is planning on building which costs more than the deficit our budget is in and you have one ex husband who has started packing and has proclaimed he is leaving the state.

Now to be fair, I knew this was coming for awhile and he has even said I can follow and stay with them as he planning on buying a house when he does move. The question is - do I REALLY want to move?  In 1998 I gave away all my club clothes and packed everything I could into two suitcases and a carry-on and totally uprooted my life to live with what is now my ex husband.  I gave up a good job, friends, family, a car and basically my whole life.  I was 27 at the time and had a lot more doors open to me upon my move.  After 11 years of less than domestic bliss - I had the carpet pulled out from under my twice - once landing me in a homeless transitional shelter for women for two months.and once landing me in a gross house with 2 guys and  suddenly having to deal with the fact I was single.  I have been on my own for the past year and a half even though 95% of my time is spent on my ex's couch to spend time with Gman;. I have the ability to go home when things get bad though and that is a beautiful thing,  I am now I am faced all over again with decision of going to a place I have never been, in a job market that sucks and still without the luxury of car,  BUT I would be near and with my son.  Or, I can stay in California which I hate and have the security of a good job, a few close friends, a community college where the state pays for me to go and a bed that isn't attached to a room in a house own by an overlord, BUT I would be miles away from my son. The choice seems like it should be obvious - follow my son, but I am just not sure that I could survive living with my ex again especially not knowing how long it will take me to find a job.  

This could be a very needed change though. No matter how blonde my hair gets - I will never be a Southern California girl.  I will never look like one, act like one or think like one.  The man market HAS to be better than Southern California.  The single midlife men here think they are still in college and want their women to be barbie dolls with passports.  In Yuma - I had at least two guys hitting on me at the bar. In CA, the straight guys buy my gay male friend drinks as I sip my cocktail I bought myself. The culture will be different no matter where we go. The ideas are Oregon, Colorado and Massachusetts - I'm pulling for MA if only for that Boston accent - "Let's go to the cah and head to the bah" - but I HATE the Patriots with a passion that is not fit for writing - so maybe not..I will have new adventures to blog about. I may be able to afford my own place where I can have Gman and start living like a divorced couple instead of living out a backpack as I go between places to drop off and pick up clothes. I guess I may have just talked myself into moving AGAIN (which I truly hate almost as much as the Patriots)..

As much as I hate change - I shall embrace what comes my way.  I need to grow and find Kathy or I am never going to be happy with myself.  Maybe the new Kathy is out of state because I certainly can't find her here.  Look out 2014 - I'm going to be coming at you swinging even if it means being bundled in boots and a heavy coat!

Did you suddenly just picture this?  I did

My Day of Thanks 2012

Today has been particularly troubling.  I have been fighting with the Ex since 6:30 this morning.  That would be two hours of text fighting and a drained cell phone because I forgot to charge it last night.  I have just been banned from Thanksgiving dinner because someone is a megalomaniac control freak who I would love nothing more than to tell the fuck the hell off at times but won't because he has my son.  Yes we do have it on paper that we have joint custody except I live in a place where I can't have Gman over on a regular basis and boy does that get thrown in my face every chance his dad gets. So while I am free on paper - I am still just a freak on my ex's leash.

So, I am banned from Thanksgiving, I have no family in CA and not really speaking to the family I do have in Ohio.  My only real CA friends will be out of town and it isn't like I can afford a trip to Ohio to see my friends back home.  I am trying REALLY hard to come up with a reason to write a happy and I'm so lucky Thanksgiving post.  Despite my usual doom and gloom attitude though; since my divorce - I am trying really hard to wear my happy hat and stay positive.

So here is my Day of Thanks post 2012 edition

I am thankful for my son.  At times I hate that I brought him into such a f'd up  family situation, but the world is brighter place with him in it.  He is my light, my love and my joy.  Without him - I would find it very hard to even find the strength to get up and fight my way through a day that I had no interest of even being a part of.  His hugs nourish my soul and his kisses warm my heart.  Gman is my everything.

I am thankful for my friends both near and far. While I don't always reach out to them - I know that they are both here for me if I need them.

I am thankful for my job.  I have been with the same company for a year and four months and have managed to keep it.  I am thankful for a steady paycheck.

I am thankful for the basics.  Everything I need is in walking distance (including a dive bar that I may desperately need to get drunk at tonight if my day keeps going the way it is).  There are lots of things I don't have and could bemoan.  I don't have my own place, I can't afford to take care of my son like I should.  I don't have a car. The list can go on and on and on.  But I woke up this morning and there are families sobbing because  their loved one didn't.  I ate breakfast and could complain about how fat I feel and there are many who won't eat at all today.  Whether I am on my ex's couch or my own room, I am protected from the elements with a pillow for my head and warm blankets. Many people will sleep in the cold without even a jacket.  I can ride my bike to get from place to place, I can wear expensive running shoes and run (sometimes) or walk where I want, but there are many who will never walk again.

So yeah, I could have it a better.  We all could.  I don't know a single person who can say "wow things are PERFECT - I wouldn't change a thing!" I could have it a LOT worse though and even though at times it feels like I can only get worse - I am thankful for everything I do have.  To quote Sheryl Crow - It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got and I do have a lot so I am the luckiest woman alive and I am Thankful. 

Because There are Things I am Passionate About Beside My Hair and Lipgloss

DONATE HERE! Lisa's Race for Hope Donation Page

I am going to copy and paste  Saucy Writer Girl's Blog post at the end of this  Why?  Because you probably won't follow the link.  If you don't follow the link, you won't know about the cause she has pledged herself to run for and raise money and awareness for.  If I don't post it - you might not be aware of what is going on under your nose in that quiet domesticity you live - I sure didn't.  I had no idea just how prevalent it was in my hometown of Dayton Ohio.  You might not realize that your sweet princess who is sound asleep in her bed with her American Girl doll tucked under her arm might run away in 10 years and get caught up in human sex trafficking.  Maybe she will be too stubborn to call you to get her, but scared out of her skull and some "nice person" will offer her shelter in exchange for a favor.  Yes, I know, that could never happen to your daughter.  You live in a nice area with good schools and well to do neighbors.  The truth is - it does happen and it happens everyday.

So Lisa is going to help end this heinous crime.  To help rehabilitate these children.  To do something other than talk about it, complain what a travesty it is and them move on to a latte and back to Words with Friends.  She is going to run World Race for Hope because she runs and presently between going to school full time, working part-time, being a mom to two beautiful girls and a wife - she doesn't necessarily have time to volunteer - but she wasn't content to sit on her ass and do nothing.  She is looking to raise $100.  Now, I don't necessarily have the time to volunteer either and my ass can rarely be motivated to strap on my running shoes just for exercise - so I am taking it upon myself to help her promote her cause, her run and to hopefully boost her past $100. 

So what can you do?  You can pledge to her.  It is tax deductible.  If you donated that $3.00 you spent at Starbucks or Panera or wherever it is you get your caffeine fix, you could rest easy knowing that you did a small part to help a child caught up in some very f'd up shit.  Each of my posts gets an average of 15 hits.  If all 15 of you donated just that $3.00 - that's $45 and it puts her $5.00 away from her goal.  I donated $10.00 because she is my friend, I think it's a worthy cause and I am donating my blog space to help her raise funds and awareness.  Please readers - my friends and those who I don't know but frequent this page - please help me help Lisa reach her goal and help end human sex trafficking. Whether you are in US, Russia, South Korea, Germany or Australia (a sampling of where my regular hits come from) Our daughters DESERVE it and we CAN make a difference!!!!

I'll even sweeten the deal - I will match the highest donation from my blog up to Twenty Dollars.  Leave a comment with your pledge amount and I will follow up with Lisa as to the amounts she has received. On December 14, 2012 I will make a second donation and recognize it as a my gift from you!

As promised - here is her post:

Social Media and Social Change: Raising Awareness About Human Trafficking

As part of my Social Media and Social Change coursework, we had to choose an issue that we felt strongly about and use social media and other avenues to help either build awareness or make a positive change. The projects were varied and included removing a bottled water vending machine in an office and replacing it with a water filtration system (a success), building awareness about shelter dogs and puppy mills (very informative and a cause I already support), Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on supersized sodas in NYC, fracking, and the AUM student union (or lack thereof)…I could go on, but I think my point has been made. I chose human trafficking as my topic. Not a pretty topic, but relevant nonetheless. Most victims of human trafficking are women and children who are used in the sex trade or as forced labor. This insidious industry is one of the fastest growing criminal enterprises, and almost all countries in the world are affected by it. During the research, I found that it is a recognized problem in Ohio. In fact, Dayton is thought to be becoming the hub of the child sex trafficking industry in the state, with the average age of the victims being only 13 years old.

Building awareness about this practice is one of the best ways to fight it. But what can the average citizen (for example, you and I), do to help? I found that there are a few different local organizations that are always looking for volunteers. One such group is the Oasis House, which interacts with suspected victims in the community to get them connected with social services agencies to get the help they need. Another resource is Abolition Ohio, an organization founded by Anthony Talbott, a local UD professor who also helped to organize the Dayton Human Trafficking Accords in 2009. Both groups offer training to citizens who want to get involved with victims and help them navigate life after being trafficked as well as offer education about the topic. One of the more positive aspects of community and law enforcement awareness have been the recent changes in Ohio laws that now recognize victims of trafficking and work with them instead of automatically prosecuting them. (Punishing the traffickers and those who use their services is something that can and does happen – decreasing the demand in the community and throughout the world by imposing strict sentences for offenders is definitely something that makes an impact on the industry.)

All during this course, I pondered just exactly what I could do to help this cause. I’m just a suburban wife and mother who goes to school full time and works part time. I don’t have a lot of extra time to volunteer (but I plan on it in the future) or money to donate to a cause. But I do like to run. As I was looking for upcoming races to run in, I found the World Race for Hope run on New Years Day. The event is in Troy and benefits local organizations as well as organizations worldwide who help victims of human trafficking. That’s when it hit me: anyone, regardless of age, economic background, or his or her busy life can help eradicate this horrible crime against humanity. I’ve signed up for the race and pledged to raise $100. I’m trying to find sponsors to help me get to my goal, even if it’s only a dollar at a time.

Here is the link to the website:

http://raceforhope.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1037945

If you click on the sponsor button and type my name, it will take you directly to my personal fundraising page within the site and help me hit my $100 goal. 

We CAN make a difference. 

Six Year Olds and Social Media

My son is technology savvy. He taught me things on my iTouch that I was clueless about such as how to take screen shots. When he said he wanted to go to the Moon Park- I told him there was no park called that around here. He grabbed my iPad, pulled up google maps & showed me despite never having been. He can navigate his way around the Internet. Sometimes it's for good, such as looking up lyrics to his favorite songs so he can memorize them. Sometimes his dad isn't paying attention and I get an email thanking Gman for joining an Asian dating using my email address. (I swear that's a true story. He thought he was signing up for a game.)

One of his favorite things to do on his computer is play on Facebook. We built a farm in FarmVille together. He played my Pet Society pet when I was playing that one. He loves to do my Bejeweled Blitz spins. Once he even posted "Taylor Swift I love you. I'm a fan and dream about you" on my behalf. My friends had a great time with that one. So I decided that maybe he should have his own account. It was a compromise - he wanted a Twitter account, but there is less control over what he reads on twitter.

A few of my friends think I'm crazy for signing him up. True - I lied about his age by ten years, but the account is under my junk email address - so I see every request he gets. He is very in tune to pop culture so we went through and liked a bunch of pages together. Yes- Taylor Swift was the first page he liked. He asked for Usher's page and I vetoed that. I let him friend my friends who don't necessarily post inappropriate things such as "aunt Susie" because they talk on the phone and Lisa because he thinks she and her daughters are cute. I wouldn't let him friend family teen friends because they do post things he probably shouldn't be reading - but as mom - its my job to censor what he reads - not what they write. What I'm enjoying most though is that he has his own platform to post what's on his mind.

His teacher told me that Gman has the most personality of any child he has taught in years. Given that from 0-4 he was predominantly with either me or his dad; he speaks maturely for his age because he was rarely around other kids. As his teacher put it - he speaks like an adult with child like delivery. He has my sarcastic wit and his dad's sense of timing. He is by far one of the funniest people I know, so I enjoy reading what he has to say. One post simply said "I'm bad at darts". One post was about a Just Dance video he had just watched on YouTube. They were both about what was on his mind at that time and that isn't always something that comes up in conversation. It also shows me what we need to work on as far as spelling.

So I embrace the fact that my child is using a social media app. I would also encourage others to do the same. I do highly recommend it is stringently monitored, but I think most people would be pleasantly surprised by just what their kids have to say when they have the freedom to express themselves in their own words.

Well I DO have an Addiction to String Cheese.....

I have been called many things in my lifetime.  Heck, my ex husband has called me every name in the book.  Generally, I have learned to let names just roll off my back. This one however is sticking like glue and maybe writing about it will get me past it.

I was told after maybe 5 minutes of conversation - I was MOUSY. Now my first thought was "What the hell?  This is the most put together I have EVER looked.  My hair was perfectly blonded (all hail the root touch up), shiny and straight. My lipgloss was subtle (fab shade of L'Oreal Infallible Le Gloss 465 Red seemed at bit much), and I had on a long sleeve t-shirt, long red tank top underneath, a red scarf, skinny jeans that I was finally able to squeeze back into after a year (HOLLA) and black flats to tie it all together.  I almost didn't believe it was me in the mirror.  Yes I sound totally vain - but I rarely look that good.  I soon realized though that he meant my personality.

mousy, mousey [ˈmaʊsɪ]

adj mousier, mousiest

2. shy or ineffectual (a mousy little woman)

The shock.  The horror.  I mean hello - I am usually the most outspoken person I know.  This blog wouldn't have lasted a year if I wasn't!  But the more I have let this fester like an open wound on my psyche - I realized he might be right. (Damn I hate admitting anyone who isn't me is right)

I am taking HUGE steps by subjecting myself to these coffee house interrogations (and yes I think I lost huge points by telling him I felt interrogated - whoops).  I am not a sober socialite.  I do have a wall and quite frankly it takes some time for me to bring it down.  It isn't going to come down over drinks at Starbucks near a very busy ATM. Had we hit the cantina - this might be a whole other post. I have good reason to have a wall having dealt with things in my past I would only wish perhaps on Fred and only because he is on my shit list presently.  I am shy and I told him that long before we met.  I am working on banishing those demons who sing me songs of doom and gloom because I AM PRETTY,  I am interesting and  I am smart.  I wasn't as deep as he was, but he didn't have to spend 4 years watching Yo Gabba Gabba. That will kill anybody's intellect by at least 10 IQ points.  Maybe I don't know who Wes Anderson is or get my news from The Daily Show, but  I am a self proclaimed geek - not a hipster. 

So Code Name Hot Chocolate -  I AM mousy and you know what?  Because you didn't feel you could take the time to scale that wall and to get to know me - you will never realize that I am so much more than that shy and ineffectual woman you met with for an hour.  AND you will never get to hear this mouse squeak!

Blog Birthday Musings & He's Just Not That Into Me.

Dear Little Blog,

Yesterday you turned one year old. You started as a vision to chronicle my social life. Little did I know when I started you with a few posts about bad dates, you would blossom into what is coined as life blogging. You became a personal platform for my dating or lack thereof, my foray into short stories, my personal confessions and personal opinions.

A few highlights of the past year:

• I have reconnected with an ex, disconnected, got a confession of love from him and had him just phase me completely out after he did. (stupid Fred. I'm really, REALLY done with him this time)
• I've submitted a erotic short story and had it rejected.
• I've broken 2 toes.
• I've been granted my divorce.
• I've grown in my writing and I look forward to when the muse rears her pretty little head.
• I submitted a blog post to an online blogging magazine and was told by the editor that she loved my snark and was going to publish me. It finally granted me the validation I sought outside my the scope of those who read me on Facebook because they are my friends.

You've allowed me to express myself through all of that.

Your birthday also marked what I thought was going to be THE DATE. He was a guy who I had talked to previously but let slide because of the distance he lived from me. He just happened to contact me on the day I told Cute Dumb Boy not to bother trying to meet me and the day I found out my divorce was final. I saw that as a sign. We talked on the phone, texted and my complications of my life didn't scare him off. We decided to meet last night for hot chocolate because I don't like coffee. Again saw it as a sign due to the date coinciding with the blog birthday. On a side note - after seeing a show with a women who did life casting and blogging - I found the site that wants to publish me. I saw that as a sign too. I had all these signs pointing to things that were just meant to be. I fell for it despite my former post saying I refuse to buy in to that philosophy anymore. I really felt like this was the date that would lead to my first official SECOND date.

He was brilliant, smart, cute and funny. I tried to be relaxed because I liked him, but think in the end he thought my wall was too high and too hard to scale. I think that I was too Kathy. I wasn't terribly nervous, but I was shy. He said I was mousy (hello - my hair was FAB and I was rocking skinny jeans. Quiet yes. Mousy - HELL NO.) I didn't have all the answers to all the questions lobbed at me. I didn't have questions for him. Afterwards, I texted him a thank you text telling him how much I enjoyed myself and his company He texted back "no problem". Ouch. I'm thinking I should delete his number so I'm not tempted to text him again. I've mean read He's Just Not That Into You and I get the impression he isn't. Damn, perceived rejection sucks. I must soldier on though.

So dear blog, we shall venture into our second year - keyboard ablaze. I will continue to solicit my posts to outside ventures so that others can experience my wit. I'll continue to throw myself out there in an attempt to make that oh so elusive connection. And little blog, you will be there every step of the way; fostering my passion and helping me amuse the masses.

Finally!

June 1, 2011 marked the day that I moved out of my ex's place for good. 

December 29, 2011 marked the day the divorce papers were filed.

August 5, 2012 marked the day the papers were resubmitted without getting kicked back by the court.

November 5, 2012 marked the day that the divorce was granted.

So now that my little blog is about to turn a year old next week, I write this entry as a single woman for the first time in 15 years.  I sit here and am torn between feeling utterly defeated and utterly exuberant.

I thought I did everything right.  I got to know this man on an emotional level long before it ever got intimate.  I waited until I was 30 to get married knowing that my 20's were too young.  I fought against everyone who told me to leave him long before it was over because I made a promise.  A promise to love, honor and cherish through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad til death do us part.  I am a stickler for promises.  That was a promise that wouldn't stand the test of time though.  I was at fault for things just as he was and I will think it is more his fault than mine and he will think it was more mine than his. This we will never agree on, so we just let it stand where it is.  It has left me emotionally scarred and scared because I really fear that I won't know how to act if I find a man who adore me and treats me well.  Kathy of her 20's would have run screaming towards the hills at that prospect. Kathy of her 40's relishes it.  I fear I won't find it.  There is no such thing as the fairy tale ending Hollywood spends millions of dollars making you believe in.  There isn't always someone out there for everyone.  While I don't NEED a man to be fufilled, sometimes it would be nice to be truly kissed and simply held.

This however opens a new chapter in my life and while it's scary; it is exciting.  I know that I am going to be forever tied to my ex because of Gman. That kid is the sole thing we ever did right in our tumultuous relationship, but I can be my own person.  It gives me the opportunity to reinvent myself.  I can reprioritze my life and what KATHY wants. I can take my time finding that special person who makes me feel those elusive butterflies.  I can change my name to Kate, or Kat or Kalee.  I can have a scandalous relationship with a hot 25 year old (ok - that might just be a fantasy) (yes I remember my cougar post, but sometimes the ego needs that boost).  I can do whatever I want.

So while year one serialized my life as a separated diva, year two of my blog can serialize my path as a 42 year old divorcee with the same fabulous hair and lipgloss obsession - I will just ramp up the efforts to justify all the dollars spent to keep my hair and lips shiny.  I will not waste my time on guys who want to me to waste it on them.  For instance Cute Dumb Boy (see Another One Bites The Dust) tried to make it 4th times a charm and flaked AGAIN. I told him don't bother because he cuteness was no longer enough to sustain my interest level and you know what?  It felt damn good!  I'll consider looking at guys who I normally wouldn't.  I'll do my best to get that swagger back and stitch it to my shadow a la Peter Pan.  I will suffer through those blasted coffee meetings until I learn to be charming.  Hell, I may even break down and have sex with someone just for the heck of it. (ok probably not). 

Time to start living.  Really living.  Look out world.  I plan to take the world by storm  one baby step at a time!

Another Report from the Trenches

I am trying to get myself back out into the dating world.  I really am.  I am more than officially ready to move on.  The only thing keeping me from being the cliche 42 year old divorcee is a judge's signature and a clerk's rubber stamp.  Sure, I'm still having some issues with time management, but that is something that can be worked around.  Sure I still have to deal with attitude from the ex when I do want to go out, but that too can be worked on. I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.  The next chapter, however; isn't really ready to move on with me though.

Still lacking a means of transportation that doesn't require a fare to be paid to a driver - it is really hard to meet people.  The old adage of meeting people in the grocery store doesn't really work.  I've been talked to twice in a grocery store.  Once by a teen who needed mom type advice on cold medicine and once by underage guys who said I could go to their party if I bought them beer.  I don't really go out all that often and even when I do - I am never approached.  Case in point - I went out with my best guy friend who happens to be gay.  Straight guys were buying him drinks and I was left sitting in the corner nursing the drink I paid for myself!  I have tried starting conversations only to be looked at like I was speaking an alien language.  This leaves that sad dating experience known as online dating and I am discovering I really suck at this form of social interaction,

As I have chronicled in the past - it is opposite of real world encounters.  You go through everything backwards ending up with a meeting to see if there is chemistry which in my case there rarely is.  In the real world, you encounter someone, decide then if there is chemistry and THEN decide to meet.  At that point, you have already had a face to face encounter and you don't feel like you are being interrogated over bad coffee and feeling awkward.  It doesn't matter how great you seem to click with someone over emails and text messages - it's the face to face that always seems to be my killer.  This was the case yesterday as I had my first ever "Coffee Date"

I will be the first to admit that I didn't hold high hopes for this one from the get go.  He was 39 and had recently come to the conclusion of "oh crap, I'm still single and all my friends are married with kids - I need to catch up".  I for the most part do not want another child and even though I know that was his main criteria for dating - I needed to get out of the house.  I also need practice talking to someone who isn't six. Besides, you never know what can happen until you do meet the person.  For starters though - he had on a hideous shirt.  If I could have slipped away discreetly without being seen; I would have.  It was that bad.  A black button down with bright blue dragons around it and a black thermal shirt underneath.  That perhaps makes me shallow; so ok I admit it - I am more shallow than the splash pool at the water park.  Bad taste in clothing aside - he was boring.  He was witty and funny in his texts, but in person he was as flat as a piece of poster board,  We had very little in common and I couldn't even pretend that it was interesting.  He probably thought very much the same about me. In my defense though, I issued a disclaimer that I am really bad at first dates. After about an hour, I ended it saying that I needed to get back to Gman because I did. So we can now consider Date #2 of 2012 failure.

Am I asking too much? I'm not expecting fireworks, but maybe just a little dry ice effect?  Some smoulder maybe?  I'd really just like to be excited about someone again. Someone who could excite me in person the way Prince Harry via email? Someone who says "wow look at little miss hotty" and NOT have it be my son.  I just don't know.   Overall, I'm pretty happy with my life when I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I have kept my job for over a year. I have a closet that I spend $745 a month even though I rarely sleep in the bed next to it. I have access to my kiddo & can sleep on my ex's couch anytime I want.  My basic needs are met.  I have air, food, friends, my iPad and a crazy 6 year old that means the world to me.  I am blessed in so many areas. I don't NEED to be with someone.  I'd just like someone to spend some time with who doesn't share my last name every once in awhile!

Deep Introspection or PMS - Not Sure Which

I had a story that I toiled over for 4 months.  It was to be my first submission.  I wrote it, rewrote it, added story, added filler and finally hit my 8,000 word count.  I submitted it and waited patiently for a response.  Deep down I knew that it wasn't getting published and for the most part didn't get my hopes up.  Of course there was that little flame that burned inside of me that hoped it would.  A wanting to be able to say "I am a published author".  Alas it wasn't meant to be.  It was as suspected rejected.  It hit me harder than I thought it would.  You see, I am always being told I am a good writer.  I have always been complimented on the blog and I love when people read it for the first time and are surprised that it is any good.  Writing (when the inspiration hits) is the only thing I am passionate about.  So in one fell swoop, an editor devalued my only form of creativity. I was told; as I always have been "You aren't good enough".  This is hard to hear when it is a demon you have been fighting all your life.  I am my own worst enemy.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that I don't want to be a published author.  That maybe, I was trying just like in my twenties to be someone else.  Maybe because my dear friend could do it - so could I. The truth is - as it was then though - I am not her.  I do not have her motivation, nor do I have her dedication. I do not have the ability to say F you to the extraneous factors in my life that control me like a marionette. I, to this day have no follow through.  Ask me how my running is going then ask me about warlock and see which one is progressing further.  Sure I could use the havoc the weather is wreaking on my foot thanks to the toes breaks, but then I could also have my fat ass on a bike instead of a desk chair.

I've read and reread this blog which turns 1 year old next month and I have seen some growth in myself,  I have also seen many instances where I have not learned a single thing.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again.  If this is true, then I am indeed certifiable. I try to promote strength and Independence in my blog.  I want people to see they are not alone in their struggles if they can relate to my posts - yet I suddenly feel like a false prophet.  I am no closer to being that strong independent woman now then I was over a year ago when I moved out. I don't even see it as feeling sorry for myself, nor am I trying to extract pity.  Sometimes you just have to put it out there in words so maybe you can move on. 

Finally - I had previously said that if the story didn't get published - I would blog post it.  I have decided not to.  One person has read it so it has seen the light of day, but I am going to lay it to rest along with the thoughts of ever being published.  I'll instead focus on my baby - the blog. I'll continue treat you or bore you whenever my muse rears her pretty coifed head! This is where it started after all. 

My Hero

I have a hero. 

It isn't an athlete or a movie star.  It isn't a political figure or anybody famous for that matter.  She doesn't wear a cape, but indeed many hats.  It is my best friend Susie.  She is so much more put together than I am  - and always has been. She has all the qualities you want in a best friend, a great mother & loving wife.  She is my hero and I truly hope that I see her facebooking about her 40 year anniversary just like her mama. With her being East Coast and me being West Coast, we don't even get to talk that often, but I know she is there for me.  We keep tabs on facebook and occasional texts.  Many people have passed through my life.  Some have gone and come back through.  Susie has always been a constant.

Sus-eye (yes in middle school we would draw they eye part out in our notes we'd pass back and forth) has been my best friend since 8th grade.  Since gym class where were were always the last to be picked - we have stuck together ever since.  If it weren't for her dragging me to the afterschool class to retake the semester of Government I failed - I would not have graduated.  (Yes she did literally drag me by my ear when I refused to ride in the same car as her boyfriend I hated at the time.)  She is truly the yin to my yang.  She is my polar opposite.  She was preppy, I was punk rock wannabe.  She had a canopy bed & I didn't,  Her views are conservative whereas I refuse to discuss politics. She went to college and I went to a college town and just partied. She married a great man (don't let your head swell too big Jerry - this is about your WIFE - not you) and I am still waiting for a judge to sign off on my divorce.  Her parents are still married and very supportive.  She has two kids one of whom was diagnosed with Autism,  This is where her strength outshines any comic book hero in my opinion. She will tell you that she doesn't do anything any other parent wouldn't do in her situation.

Her husband is paramedic who works out of state to provide for his family and so that Susie can stay home with the kids. (In his defense - it isn't as far as it sounds).  She spends a fair amount of time alone with the kids which in my opinion - can't always be easy with her son's diagnosis.  She has never complained to me though. She does it because she loves her son and it's what is right.  She has led support groups for other families with children with Autism.  She fights her son's school constantly to make sure they are keeping up with his IEP and other issues that impact not only her son, but all other special needs kids too. She is on point with her issues. On top of all that - she maintains the household, provides a loving environment for her kids and husband. Most of all though; she strives to maintain as normal of a childhood experience as she can for her both of her kids. She is a true champion to her cause.

I would like to think that if I were in her shoes, I would step up to the plate and swing, but I don't know that I could.  I try to be a good mom to Gman, but I am have made many screw ups that hopefully don't impact him too greatly.  I lack her strength and her courage.

Thank you Susie for being my best friend, a constant inspiration to me as a mother and my hero. 

Sitting in the Parents Area TOTALLY SUCKS

I knew the day he was born that this day would come.  That someday, I would no longer be the center of his universe.  That one day, I would reach out for his chubby little hand and it wouldn't be there instantly cradled into mine.  That one day. he would no longer be a baby, but a big boy who craves independence; free from the over protective shadow of mom.

I should be high fiving myself that I am part of a duo that is raising a mostly self confident child.  One who is extremely smart, exceptionally funny and ready to venture on to new challenges.  It's just hard to fathom that he wants to venture without me.  This is the child who shunned other kids at the park so he could play with me (well when he wasn't hitting on the other moms),  Who cried and would withdraw himself into a corner when I dropped him off at preschool.  The child who stood outside the bathroom door while I was doing my business because he wasn't allowed in there with me and didn't want to be apart.  This was also a child who is no longer 3, 4 or 5 years old.

He is now almost 6 and a half years old. When we go to the park, he now only wants to play with me if there are no other kids around.  When he is taken to school, he wants to be dropped off in front of the school so he can walk in by himself.  The morning I had to go into school with him so we could talk to his teacher - he was mortified.  He told me he was going to pretend he didn't know me and ran 5 steps ahead so we weren't together.  Nevermind the fact he kept calling back "mom are you still there?"  "Yes Gman I am" "OK, then I still don't know you!"    He no longer wants to be called baby or sweetie in public so he doesn't get made of fun of.  He wants to be known as DUDE.

Yesterday was the kicker though.  At a party with his classmates, I was informed I was to hang out with the other parents and was not allowed to play with him in the bounce houses.  So I sat there and watched my baby who really isn't one anymore, interact with his peers without a care in the world.  He would run at me like he was coming in for a hug, but then run right past me.  He was in the six year old zone and it's a zone I have to come to terms with.  I have to learn to let go because this is what he needs to grow and become even more confident and self assured.  I need to cherish the fact the he still insists on his lullabies and a story before bed because those days are numbered too.  He is growing up and I couldn't be more proud of the boy is becoming.  So, I bite my tongue when I feel the urge to scream GO BABY as I cheer him on at soccer.  I try to honor his wishes of not responding "yes sweetie" when he asks me a question when we are out and about.  It's hard though because that DUDE is always going to be my baby!

Code Name Prince Harry

I admit it.  I have always had a fascination with England.  It probably started with the Brit Pop movement of the 1980's.  I, like most girls of that era was OBSESSED with Duran Duran (who remembers my Seven and the Ragged Tiger pillow with the leopard print backing my mom made me because we didn't have tiger print material?)  I had a poster of a shirtless Simon LeBon on my ceiling above my bed (along with numerous other DD posters) and posters of Wham and Paul Young covering my closet door and walls.  I wore two Swatches - one set to Ohio time and a royal coat of arms Swatch set to London time.  My Coke Rugby had the British flag on it & even had a London themed sweater from Merry Go Round that cost my mom more than a damn sweater should.  I probably would have copped an English accent too if we weren't all so caught up in Valley speak (like, gag me with a spoon fer sher).  I woke up at 3am to watch Princess Diana get married, and I can tell you where I was when I found out she died (although I couldn't tell you the guy's name I woke up next to).

So it should come as no surprise that I currently find myself enthralled with a guy I met online who lives in - you guessed it - Jolly Old England.  Now stop rolling your eyes at me (ok the reader in Russia probably isn't - but he/she doesn't really know me). I know what you are thinking.  Typical Kathy - falling for yet another guy that isn't going to pan out.  This one is different though.  Don't get me wrong. He fulfills many of those mental check boxes of what I could possibly want in the next guy I am serious about.  He is geeky cute (glasses and all!), a music nerd (his words - not mine), a fellow blogger, in a band, my age, college educated, can hold interesting conversations, has a job & well he even irons his own clothing! (If you have ever dated a man or woman who doesn't know how to use an iron - you can totally relate to how awesome that last part is - especially when you are trying to get ready for a function and you hear - I CAN'T WEAR THESE PANTS, THEY'RE WRINKLED).  Even Lisa had to agree after reading his blog - that he is an interesting dude.  (She was also relieved to find out he didn't seem at all to be the 1000 pound shut in her over active imagination led her to believe he was :P)

After about two weeks of conversations, I get the feeling that it would probably transition well into real life IF there wasn't the entire United States plus an ocean between us.  The difference is that for once I KNOW this isn't going anywhere.  I am sure that eventually the novelty will wear off on his end (turns out some British guys are just as fascinated with American females and our accents as we are theirs).  He will find someone who isn't on a 7 hour time difference, someone who it wouldn't cost $1080 + passport to visit (yes I looked it up - I was curious).  Someone who can relate to the stupid shyness he & I both share and they will get on rather well once they pass that hurdle.  I'm pretty sure he isn't tossing a few ales down at the pub with his mates talking up this gal he met online who lives in America.  They'd probably think him crazy!

So in the meantime, I'm just enjoying chatting with someone who teaches me new things.  For instance - I've learned Black Pudding is a very fine line between carnivore and vampire (thank you Lisa for that analogy). I've learned when you are knackered, you need a kip.  When it's cold - a jumper will do nicely. If you order a fry up - you'd better be damn hungry!  What does all this mean?  Well you are going to have to find your own Prince Harry to ask! Or you could probably google it too...but where is the fun in that?  I mean don't we all dream of a prince of our own some day - even if they aren't royalty?

PS If you are wondering why he got code named after that particular royal... When I mentioned to my ex that the only guy I found remotely interesting these days lived in England - he told me he was pretty sure I wasn't Price Harry's type no matter how drunk he was in Vegas.  It was so preposterously funny - I just ran with it!

If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - then I am a WARRIOR PRINCESS

I turned 42 this month which officially puts me in my 40's. I am supposed to be older and wiser now.  In my mind it was the month that it was all supposed to come together.  The weight would fall off, the divorce would be final and Mr. Right Now would make himself known.  I would finally finish my smut story and it would be published.  Year 2 of being single was supposed to be the best year EVAH!

Yeah, well the best laid plans of mice and and those with fabulous hair often go awry.  This has been the singlehanded worst month of my life and believe you me - I have had some DOOZIES.  Worse than the year the ex tried to commit me.  Worse than being made fun of by homeless people because I wouldn't eat the food at the shelter (Why yes I am a food snob, now leave me alone you tweek freak) and even worse than when I had to move into a transitional shelter for homeless women.  Now those were all traumatic periods in my life, but this month just keeps piling it on in mother f'ing heaps.

• My birthday party was post-poned indefinitely and I didn't even get so much as a cupcake
• My divorce is STILL pending
• I had kind of a melt down with my room-mate and things are never going to be quite the same
• My favorite attorney who was known as Attorney Crush and the inspiration behind another unfinished epic story quit with no notice on the day he was supposed to bring me my birthday coffee and pastry.
• My favorite radio DJ's in the LA market called in quits
• The Ex and I are fighting harder and meaner
• I just found out that the guy who did my ankh tat & never did call back me back in 10 minutes as promised 15 years ago  passed away 10 years ago - I totally forgive him for not calling.
• My amazing apartment where I had my own bathroom, a pool and a gym fell through a week after giving the crazy bitch my deposit.
• I have had to fight for 3 weeks to get my son on a soccer team that we registered for in June.
• Mr Right Now is just a figment of my imagination STILL.  Now there are no shortage of men wanting to send me pictures of their junk, but I am not in a state of mind where I can handle something sexual.  Oh and for the record - Mr. Beautiful Lollipop was anything but and the 22 year old really shouldn't be sending pictures of things that small.
• The death notice, the Attorney Crush quitting and losing my apartment all happened on the same day where I was also 40 minutes late for work.

This was just a teaser of the month so far.  They are all little things mind you and there are so many who have it much worse than I do.  It has taught me that I am much stronger than I thought I was and than I used to be.  Now my mood had been much more terse than normal, but when something goes wrong every single day - it is to be expected - but I am surviving this.  Even 2 years ago - this sort of stress would have sent me over the edge.  I know things will work themselves out.  I scrambled and talked my way back into my 1st apartment choice, Gman starts soccer practice today and Attorney Crush will live forever in my story I may someday finish.  I know there are things I just don't have control over.  I just pray that September is a little nicer to me because I am a warrior princess and don't you forget it!