Supercalifragilistic FABU Chili Cheese Dip

On February 2nd, we here in the states will celebrate the annual tradition of Superbowl Sunday. Where one eats too much, probably drinks too much, watches a LOT of commercials and oh yeah FOOTBALL!!!  Well worry not - whether you are hosting the party or need to bring a dish - I have the easy to make, no fail solution.  Kathy's Fabu Vegetarian Chili Cheese Dip.  It is SO good that your carnivores won't believe it's a vegetarian dish and your herbivores will love you forever.  I have won the office best dish contest with this and my friend KC will not let me attend any parties she throws UNLESS I bring it.

You will need the following:

2 cans of Hormel Vegetarian Chili with Beans

1 brick of softened cream cheese (light or regular - your choice)

1 jar of Pace Salsa (I prefer the Southwest Chitpole Restaurant Style)

1 bag of Cheddar Jack Cheese (Velveeta works well too, but I prefer real cheese)

A bottle of Hot Sauce (Tapatio is again my preference)

Over a medium flame, combine the 2 cans of chili and the cream cheese into a sauce pan.  Stir until the cream cheese has been completely incorporated and any chunks have been melted down.  Add the jar of salsa and stir that in.  Add the cheese and stir until completely melted.  Lastly add dashes of hot sauce to taste.

Voila - you are done.  

This can also be done in the microwave, but you will want to stop it about every 2-3 minutes to stir.  If you want to make a smaller amount, just half the recipe.  Feel free to make it your own by using whatever kind of cheese you prefer,or any heat of salsa or type for that matter.  After making this for about 2 years and playing around with it - the above recipe is what my friends and co-workers liked the best. 

The best part is what you can do with the left overs.  Breakfast dilemma?  This is A-Mazing over eggs.  Lunch or dinner - try adding it on top of a baked potato.  You simply CANNOT go wrong with this dip!

I would love to get your feedback if you try it!  

Unless You Have a Fireplace in Your Bathroom - I'm OK with Being Me

There is a certain freedom that comes with letting go.  When you have waved your white flag and have just resigned yourself to a certain que sera sera.  When you just breathe a collective sigh and declare WHATEVS. 

No, I am not on a medication upswing.  I should be, but I just can't ever seem to remember to take them.  I would certainly feel more stable since things are currently upside down in my life.  It's just that resigning myself the the idea that this is what my life is until 2015 has been one of the most positive changes I could make for myself.  I've made peace with it.

So here are some things that I have come to terms with in my own way and a change or two I have made.

I've cleaned out some of the negative clutter.  I unfriended the writer crush from last year and my phone address book has only one dumb guy in it.  I should delete him. I have his email address memorized though, so I always know how to get a hold of him.  He is a weakness, but I have no need to use his number.  I have no need to contact him.  I will hear from him in a few months I am sure, but he won't hear from me.  I have officially lost interest in what Bootcamp Guy and Toe Ring Tramp are doing.  That was SO last year. I haven't stalked his Facebook since the last post I wrote.  I don't care anymore. His path is not my path and his path was way too caloric.  No wonder my pants look painted on.

I still have the dating profile.  I keep disabling it, but I always restore it.  It's more for the shallow ego boost more than anything else. (Hello - being a cougar is apparently the in thing right now) I am not sure I will really find what I am looking for there. Not that I am looking for Prince Charming, Phillp, Adam, Eric, Li Shang , John Smith or Naveen.  I'm not even looking for Flynn Ryder. If I really had to go that route - I'd like a Kristoff please - the rugged loner.  I am not a princess though and riding horses scare me.  So would riding a reindeer, but I am getting off topic.  I'm a hard fit, I have a wall, a complicated personal life and I don't want to settle for just anyone because it beats being alone.  I won't pretend that tighty whities don't matter.  THEY DO. I don't believe in Mr. Right.  I don't believe there is someone for everyone.  If "he" happens to appear - thus shall it be.  If he doesn't - I can use the excuse that I am too busy playing cruise director to a seven year old to care.

A few truths.

I am OK with myself.  I have come to terms finally that the reflection in the mirror is accurate. I'm not 23 anymore.  I'm not a size 0 anymore.  I have wrinkles, a muffin top and greying hair.  The bush hasn't been landscaped in months and the legs only slightly more recently.  I have let myself go.  Plain and simple. I love chocolate and my pants are getting too tight again.  I am using my bad foot as an excuse not to start running again.  As hot as the dumb OC guys are, I would rather be dancing with my girlfriends on girls night out.  Sometimes I would really just rather sit and home and watch Crash & Bernstein for the umpteenth time with my son on a Saturday night than go out for yet another coffee interrogation where I have to admit I am so much cooler online. 

I have a pocket preacher.  I call him that in jest because he is my go to guy whenever Gman has questions about God.  He was a couple of years my junior in high school and I had a crush on his brother who was a couple of years ahead of me. Apparently I was flirting with the older brother and batting my eyes at him for donuts so that twenty plus years later - I could come to the pocket preacher for advice and theological debate. It was part of the plan.  He is now a pastor and is so sure that I am receiving "the calling".   I'm not so sure.  Maybe the battery on the spiritual cell phone has died and I can't find the charger.  All I know is that Gman has decided he wants to learn about God and we now have a standing date with the church around the corner so he can attend Sunday school.  Don't get me wrong.  I wish I had faith.  I long for faith.  I would give ANYTHING to believe in something so strongly just "because".  I can't though,  I question everything.  I argue everything.  I am a control freak who can't let go.  How am I supposed to believe that all I have to do is ask and I shall receive?  I tried that.  I still ended up sleeping on a slide, in the van and eventually in a homeless shelter.  Faith is not something I have, but I am not above a little salvation.  We'll see how this endeavor goes.

Here is my last Disney reference. "keep those camera's flashin', to try to catch this action.  I'm just being me - watch me do me".  I am so OK with who I am.  I'm OK with the flaws and the areas that need improvement.  With this attitude - I could take over the world.  I won't - I have no staying power, but I COULD.  For now, I will just settle for a hot shower, a fluffy towel and fuzzy pajamas. That I can attain tonight  Living in the here and now - what more could I ask for (besides another bar of Godiva Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt)!  

The Stories of Single

The whole reason I started this blog is because of good friend of mine told me to.  She said these things only happen to you, yet it's something so many people can relate to.  Because of that encouragement; I wanted to encourage others to write.  So on Being Single is the New Black's Facebook page I told my readers that I was looking for guest writers to share their stories with me and  I have had a few responses.  Some are writers and some are just people with a story to tell...like Roxy.  Of course her name has been changed, but she is a gal after my own heart.  Show her some love in the comments!

If you have a story to tell - feel free to email me at sooosingle41@gmail.con.  I would love to share your story too.

So I present my first story in a hopefully ongoing bit I'm going to call The Stories of Single.  Take it away Roxy!

Downward Spiral…A Cautionary Tale of Dating in Your 40’s

So here I am alone. Not to say I don’t have a lot going on, but even with all of the excitement each day or moment will bring; at the end of the day, there is just me. I’m not one that would do the sort of things that I have done in the last couple of years. I have always been “the good one”, the one who was very “vanilla”. Lately, however, there have been things that I have done that I instantly regret. I am not super pretty. I would probably give myself a strong 6.75. Not skinny but not fat…kind of in the middle. I think I have a pretty decent personality if you can handle my down days. Pretty much a typical 42 year old with baggage. I came from a super bad marriage that left me scarred for life and a now have a new found sense of freedom that comes with leaving a man who you thought you might grow old with. 

For a while I did the poor pitiful me thing and stayed home in my depressed state. I was barely able to get out of sweat pants, or put on a bra each day. Then someone told me to try one of those free internet dating sites. I did. I put my best face forward, took a couple selfies on my computer camera and let it all out. Getting flirted with is wonderful when you are feeling down and eventually I took someone up on their offer to meet in person. I got my best “I need to get laid” outfit on and trekked over to the outdoor mall to meet so that I was close to home if I needed to get out of any bad situations. I was told that I was very pretty and most people don’t look like they do on their profiles. Yay me! That was short lived after a skinny little thing came in and started making eyes at my date. He then told me that they used to date her and he couldn’t be seen with a fat chick in public. I lowered my head and walked home feeling more useless than before. Free internet dating site…closed down. 

Flash forward to crazy “rocky road” “I’ll try anything once” days. Went to a swingers club with a friend and quickly realized that I was not a display it all for the world to see kind of gal. I’m more of a one on one person but after a few adult beverages was talked into being a one on two kind of person. Come on…who hasn't wanted to do something so not “you” just to see what happens? I regretted it the experience but at least I learned that is not the road for me…I am sure about that! 

After a couple of months I was still fuming about my online experience, but decided to try again. This time I wasn't going to waste time getting to know people only to be let down. So I went right for the “I need to get laid now” site and set up a blind date that was sure to end in some sweaty satisfaction. I went out for a drink and instantly he started kissing and groping me. The fact that he was pretty good looking didn't hurt so we went ahead with the discussion of where to go. We went to his house and both got what we wanted. It was quick, pretty uneventful and unsatisfying. Sex is sex right? It doesn't always have to be great, but that itch was taken care of and I got what I needed. He continued to call and I continued to meet him for 2 months. Each time I wondered "what the hell I am doing?” He still texts me to see if I will meet him. After 2 years you would think he would give up.

An old boyfriend (this is my weak point) started calling. Things were always a what if with us and after 10 years I was going to see if this would lead to anything. Why not? I invited him over for a few beers to see if there was anything beyond the sex that was the basis of the relationship 10 years ago. He was still immature, still dirt poor and a moocher, still kind of icky with some of the habits he had. Lo and behold, he was mine and he did whatever I wanted him to do. He was a doormat but would never move me forward. I promised myself that I would just keep it casual but he was moving it forward way fast with family obligations and spending a lot of time together. If you are desperate enough, you will put up with almost anything for a while. Eventually I moved him in. It was good at first but maybe I have been alone too long. Things like using napkins when you can use a towel to clean something up would make me rage with anger because he wasn’t the one who would have to buy more napkins when they were all used up! Stupid petty things were making me regret letting someone into my life. I knew deep down inside that those weren’t the issues. I didn’t love him. Not even sure I really even liked him at that point. So I asked him to leave. But, when he calls from time to time I can’t say I turn him down. 

Not even a few weeks later a mouth watering new client walked into my office. After we talked business for a while he asked if he could shut my door. I was confused because things like this don’t happen to fat chicks like me. He proceeded to ask me on a date. A proper date??? Ok, sounds great! He was way out of my league, at least a 9, and I wondered what does he want with me? We had so much in common and we sat and talked for hours. I still don’t know what exactly he saw in me, maybe it the huge boobs. I think though after a year of seeing him off and on I am at a place with him that either needs to go somewhere or end. 

You see, he has lots of baggage. He has an ex wife (not legally yet)with cancer who he left two years ago, and a “roommate” that wants to share more than the bills. So I get the leftovers. For a while the leftovers were ok but we have started to fall for each other. Neither one of us is in a position to just pick up and have a real relationship though. After all, I am a bitch no one can live with and he has too many obligations and not much left to give me. I think that the time has come to end it even though I really, really like him and could actually see us being together for a long time. 

So why am I writing this. What am I going to do if I am still seeing both of these guys when something that is really good comes along? The good guy, the guy that everyone else always saw as a friend (even me) has an interest in me and we have gone on a few dates and even done things that I would have never thought we would be doing together. He is nice. He loves me and has for a long, long time. Why do I feel the need to run away? I told him when we first started dating that I have plans to move out of the state in the fall. He cannot fall for me. I will break his heart and use him like a doormat. I have tried to tell him and warn him that I am bad news. He doesn't care. 

So here is my dilemma…

I have kicked out boyfriend who I can be myself around, say anything to, use and abuse, and sometimes I let him use and abuse me. I have client boyfriend who I still get butterflies in my stomach when he comes to see me and wish he would never leave when I have him near. And new sweet guy who would love me forever and ever and I could see a future with. My solution…keep to my move out of state plan in the fall and try to figure out who I really am. If at some point I move back maybe there would be an answer waiting if I don’t create the same drama for myself in a different location. 

Why have I chosen a life so difficult and messy? Am I torturing myself or giving myself what I think I deserve? I am not happy….don’t know what would make me happy. I have good moments and think, “this is what I want” and then the next moment it is gone. After 20 years of doing everything for everyone else I have no idea what I want for me. I thought being free would be fun and I could be selfish without regrets and maybe be able to figure it out. It has been three long years and right now I feel worse than that day I left. Still no better off, still not knowing what is out there for me.

Right now I have three amazing people who I push and push away and they keep coming back. I don’t communicate with them first. I am not needy and do not answer their texts or calls right away. They all know that we are not exclusive. But who here is really being used? I could be happy with any of them. They all have about the same chance with me, they all have the same amount of baggage. Would any of them go “all in” with me or is this all just a game they are playing? Time to make big changes and figure all of 

this out.

A Bitter Pill to Swallow

I was going to write my resolution post.  In fact it was half written before I had to stop.  I was going to finish and post it today, but then I read a Facebook post from a a friend of mine, well sort of friend.  He's more like a social media friend who I should know.  He lives probably 15 minutes from me, he was a bouncer at the club I hung out at in my twenties, but neither of us can recall each other.  The only interaction I ever can even recall with him was when he broke up the only bar fight I have ever been in that occurred in the ladies restroom.  My underage friend who I was buying drinks for started it and we probably should have been thrown out for it, but membership has it's privileges and the preppy girls who were the catalyst got the boot - but I'm off topic now.

I am paraphrasing, but he said why make resolutions at the first of the year when changes can be made at anytime.   "It is your life and no calender should dictate when you make changes to better yourself." He can be very wise and I hope to have him write a post soon.

I have been very bitter these past few weeks,  Very bitter indeed.  It seems to be infecting my soul. I have had two issues really.  1) I want to finally grow up or maybe it's to become an adult.  I'm not sure.  I'm one, but not the other and I don't know which.  2) I am just plain unhappy and jealous of other people's happiness.  The two kind of tie into each other.  It started it with Bootcamp Guy around Thanksgiving.  He had pictures posted of his dinner with his mom and I noticed that Toe Ring Tramp was the one who posted them.  It was then when I realized he and I could have never worked because I would have had to choose dinner with him or dinner with Gman. It was then I realized - I am not ready for that kind of relationship.  That was kind of when the adult/grown up thing started to seep in.

I mean I am over 18.  I am old enough to vote and old enough to drink. I hold a full time job.  I have a car and insurance payment, but that is where it ends.  I don't see many women my age who play video games and like anime.  I am always the odd one out wherever I work because I am just not like everyone else.  I am coming to a point where I want to be though.  I go to the park or Gman's school functions and I don't fit in with the other mom's. This sucks, because my son is very social and gets invited to a lot of parties.  I just end up sitting in the corner because the other moms are huddled in their mom cliques and I'm not a part of it.  It's kind of like high school all over again.

Then we go back to bitter.  Again sort of fueled by Bootcamp Guy who is currently whisking Toe Ring Tramp all over England.  While I am not making resolutions, I am officially done stalking his FB profile to torture myself.  Why am I bitter?  Because I never seem to the "one" for anyone.  When we were ending, he had the audacity to tell me "well you were once when you got married."  Yeah, well so were you Mr. Going on Divorce Number 2.  I look at my ex on Facebook and see he is happily married to the gal he dated after me.  After 4 kids and 12 years of marriage and they are still going strong,  What did she have that I didn't - besides being the sister of his ex roommates wife.  A dear friend of mine met a lovely lady on a successful dating site last year and married her before the end of the year. Hello,  I am the queen of online dating and have been entirely unsuccessful.  I find myself seething in envy.

Why am I writing this?  Is this one of my famous pity parties table for one?  No, No it isn't.  This is my proverbial letter you write then throw so that you rid it from your life. I can't actually do that though because I am not allowed near the fire place for fear I will burn the place down. (geez- you set one lousy cutting board on fire on the stove and you NEVER live it down.)

What all this bitterness has taught me is that you can't complain about the hand you are dealt when you keep playing with the same poisoned deck of cards.  You can't complain that nobody likes you when you don't present something worth liking.  You can't cry about about what you aren't when you aren't trying to make yourself what you think you should be or better yet - could be.

So I light my bonfire and let the flames reach towards the sky.  I cast bitterness into the fire along with jealously, fears and rage.  I will still be the same me who will make the same mistakes, but I will have let go of the demons holding me down and holding me back.  Maybe though, just maybe though - I may learn from a mistake or two.

Hey I hear you laughing over there....you could at least try to stifle your giggles! :)