Finally!

June 1, 2011 marked the day that I moved out of my ex's place for good. 

December 29, 2011 marked the day the divorce papers were filed.

August 5, 2012 marked the day the papers were resubmitted without getting kicked back by the court.

November 5, 2012 marked the day that the divorce was granted.

So now that my little blog is about to turn a year old next week, I write this entry as a single woman for the first time in 15 years.  I sit here and am torn between feeling utterly defeated and utterly exuberant.

I thought I did everything right.  I got to know this man on an emotional level long before it ever got intimate.  I waited until I was 30 to get married knowing that my 20's were too young.  I fought against everyone who told me to leave him long before it was over because I made a promise.  A promise to love, honor and cherish through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad til death do us part.  I am a stickler for promises.  That was a promise that wouldn't stand the test of time though.  I was at fault for things just as he was and I will think it is more his fault than mine and he will think it was more mine than his. This we will never agree on, so we just let it stand where it is.  It has left me emotionally scarred and scared because I really fear that I won't know how to act if I find a man who adore me and treats me well.  Kathy of her 20's would have run screaming towards the hills at that prospect. Kathy of her 40's relishes it.  I fear I won't find it.  There is no such thing as the fairy tale ending Hollywood spends millions of dollars making you believe in.  There isn't always someone out there for everyone.  While I don't NEED a man to be fufilled, sometimes it would be nice to be truly kissed and simply held.

This however opens a new chapter in my life and while it's scary; it is exciting.  I know that I am going to be forever tied to my ex because of Gman. That kid is the sole thing we ever did right in our tumultuous relationship, but I can be my own person.  It gives me the opportunity to reinvent myself.  I can reprioritze my life and what KATHY wants. I can take my time finding that special person who makes me feel those elusive butterflies.  I can change my name to Kate, or Kat or Kalee.  I can have a scandalous relationship with a hot 25 year old (ok - that might just be a fantasy) (yes I remember my cougar post, but sometimes the ego needs that boost).  I can do whatever I want.

So while year one serialized my life as a separated diva, year two of my blog can serialize my path as a 42 year old divorcee with the same fabulous hair and lipgloss obsession - I will just ramp up the efforts to justify all the dollars spent to keep my hair and lips shiny.  I will not waste my time on guys who want to me to waste it on them.  For instance Cute Dumb Boy (see Another One Bites The Dust) tried to make it 4th times a charm and flaked AGAIN. I told him don't bother because he cuteness was no longer enough to sustain my interest level and you know what?  It felt damn good!  I'll consider looking at guys who I normally wouldn't.  I'll do my best to get that swagger back and stitch it to my shadow a la Peter Pan.  I will suffer through those blasted coffee meetings until I learn to be charming.  Hell, I may even break down and have sex with someone just for the heck of it. (ok probably not). 

Time to start living.  Really living.  Look out world.  I plan to take the world by storm  one baby step at a time!