Being single is usually a great thing except for those occasions requiring a date and the December and February holidays.
Every year I seems to get the holiday humbugs. I'm really not sure why I am being hit with them this year. It is the first year I have ever outspent the ex on Christmas presents. Gman told Santa he wanted a Nintendo DS 3DXL which he is getting and a guitar which I can't promise. He got his Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory DVD early because he was sick (the one with Gene Wilder - not the Johnny Depp atrocity), and still has his Silly Slippeez Sharks under the tree. That's around $300+ to dad's $40.00 on a Razr Scooter. Gman's tree is decorated and while it took me a few weeks - so are his front window & bedroom window. Heck - this is even the 1st year his dad agreed to take him shopping for me. This should be a great holiday.
It isn't
I hate this time of year. I hate all the happy Christmas Carols. I hate the commercials where the person comes out and finds a luxury car with a big red bow on it. I hate the stupid inflatable snowmen underneath a palm trees out here. Why? Maybe because the average temperature here is mid 60's to 70's. Maybe because I haven't seen snow since the last time I was home which was 10 years ago? Maybe because we are inundated with commercials of the woman opening the little box to find something shiny in it as the man she loves attaches something equally as sparkly around her neck. Maybe because it means that if I don't want to spend the holidays alone I have to suck up to my ex and play nice. Maybe it's because I am a control freak who is rarely in control and find myself navigating uncharted waters.
Sure I can use having to watch my son as an excuse to miss the work Holiday party because I don't want to show up solo. Sure I can go out and buy myself something sparkly even though it will be as fake as breasts on a Beverly Hills housewife. I don't want to though. This is the time of year I want to stroll hand in hand with someone as we walk down the street looking at Christmas lights. I want a present that I didn't buy or take my son out shopping to buy me. I want someone to buy that perfect present for that isn't a 6 years old. I don't get snow living near the beach; so I want someone I can snuggle up next to as we listen to the rain fall and drink hot chocolate. I want the ABC Family Christmas movie happy ending.
I will get none of this though. So, I will indeed suck up to the ex and try to place nice even though as of last night I was banned until January (don't worry - I'm not - even my son knows these bans never last more than a few days). I will pretend not to care when there is nothing for me to open even though I will have to cough up the cash so Gman can give his dad a gift. Come New Years Eve, I will kiss the cat at midnight like I have done for the past 7 years (provided the ban isn't in effect) because there is nobody else to kiss. Then I will start January with a list of resolutions that will not hold past the 31st. Why? Because this is my life and as much as I want to change it - I don't know how. I am taking baby steps to try to change it, but Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will Kathy 42.0.
Well here is to wishing for my own Christmas miracle. That maybe for once - just once - things will go my way. Even if it doesn't happen - I wish you Happy Holidays no matter how you celebrate it. I hope it is filled with warmth, love and laughter and maybe something sparkly. I may be grinchy - but not heartless!
No comments:
Post a Comment