Helicopter Mom Coming in for a Landing!

I am a helicopter mom. I can't help it.  Gman is my only child.  My baby (albeit a 9 year old and 60+ pound baby.) It is amazing that my son is as brave and bold as he is at times considering I am usually no more than two steps behind him.  When he is afraid of something - it's usually because I have had some underhand influence on him.  For instance, he is scared to jump out of trees he climbs.  I attribute this to whenever he was little and tried to jump off something;I was always there with the "be careful. you don't want to hurt yourself.  This would also be followed by me grabbing him to get him down off of whatever he was trying to jump from.  Flash forward six years; it was all I could do to hold myself back when I stayed at his first official boys chorus rehearsal.  I had to watch him navigate his way not knowing anybody. As he walked around looking lost, it tore me up inside; but I knew he wouldn't make friends if I was there holding his hand the whole time.  I am afraid to let him fail.

He is always the smallest one in his class and is an easy target for bullies because he doesn't believe in fighting back.  He always said that he didn't want the bully to feel the he or she was trying to make him feel.  Imagine my surprise when he stood up for a friend who was being bullied by telling the offender "If you mess with him, you mess with me".  Of course this was followed up with me having to march into the offending child's teacher's classroom when said child put my kid into an arm lock.  Yes, I am THAT mom. I let him try to figure out how to work through taunting and verbal spats.  He's nine and sadly, not all kids are as nice as he is.  He has to learn to defend himself, but I draw the line when hands are laid on him.

He has an insane amount of confidence despite having such a neurotic mother..  I have watched him tackle numerous performances with the stage presence of a pro - even if these are just elementary school musical productions.  The role of Aladdin as a first grader scared the crap out of me, but he wasn't even nervous, I have watched him lead his friends into song and dances he choreographs and produces. He is destined for big things.

Save for when I am at work or he has at school; I am usually around him all of the time.  Even if he is outside playing, I am in earshot of him.  His dad and I are divorced and maintain two separate households, but I usually find myself with them a lot more than I am by myself.  Why, because my son just seems to want me around.  So it came as a shock and yet not a shock when he told me he wanted to go the music camp his boys chorus was having.

Camp?  

What?

Like sleep away for six nights without me or his dad?  Is he crazy?  Is he for real?  

It is all he has been talking about since he joined the chorus in March.  It was a pretty penny, but his dad came through as always and financed it. Meanwhile I am bemoaning "SIX DAYS WITHOUT YOU, how will I survive??"  He has been so excited about this telling me that six days is nothing and we will see him on parent's day.  Sure he has been gone that long before, but he was with his dad.  This is TOTALLY different.  We've talked about what we will pack, what songs he will work on while he is there, who does he think he might get as a room-mate, etc.  This is big stuff. My big kid is going to camp!

Until last night when he broke down crying.

"I don't want to go to camp.  Six days IS too long.  I don't want to be away from you and daddy for that long!"  Again, my fears have managed to manifest themselves in him.  I can't sit there and tell him about my amazing experiences at Fort Scott - I HATED camp. My parents sent me because they thought it would be good for me and so I would make some friends.  It didn't work,  I was just as anti-social then as I am now.  Back then bullying was merely classified as teasing, but I was teased so hard they had to switch cabins for me.  TWICE! 

What is a mom to do?  I mean besides the fact that is not refundable and he leaves in 3 days - I don't have a choice but to make him go.  He was afraid because I made him that way!  I did my best to reassure him how awesome of an experience this will be.  This will bond him further with the other basses.  He will be with some of them for the next seven years.  This can help him achieve his future goal as Part Leader when he gets older.  This will help him get to the Performance division faster than if he didn't go because of how many songs he can check off. (He has to memorize 39 songs and sing the bass line harmony.  Did I mention five of these songs are hymns in Latin?) Plus it is only SIX days and FIVE nights.  I told him the first day he may be a bit scared, the second day he will be more used to it, the third day he will be too busy having fun to remember he was scared, the fourth day we will visit and the last two day will leave him begging for five more.

This was enough to convince him that it might not be so bad.  The unknown is scary, but I don't want him to be like me.  I'm so afraid of what will might happen that I miss out on a lot of opportunities,  I don't want him to miss out on a great experience because he is worried about me being alone.  I don't want the independent streak that started at the end of kindergarten "NO MOMMY, you are NOT walking me to the gate anymore.  You can watch me from the car like the other mom's. I'm a big boy") to wilt and die.  This is the kid that had me come up with a code for I love you, so I could say it when I dropped him off so he wouldn't be embarrassed in front of his friends. The kid who told me if I quit PTA then I would be setting a bad example for him because we don't quit just because we didn't get the part we wanted.  (This is the same speech I gave HIM when he wanted to quit show choir when he got Cogsworth instead of Lumiere.)  He is brave and fierce and he is going to take music camp by storm.

In the meantime, I need to let him go and try new things and NOT let him know how much it scares me.  I need to let him be a nine year old boy.  Yes I even need to let him fail.  He will soar like an eagle because he has been my copilot and nobody helicopters like I do!

This is My Life

So I met the man of my dreams.  Single dad who has custody of his kids, has a great job, handsome,  he likes UFC and I didn't meet him online and OF COURSE my son doesn't like his same age son,  but let's start from the beginning.

This journey started about a month ago.  You see my son is in a play and needed a Cogsworth costume and this isn't one I could just go to Ebay and buy. I couldn't make it becauseI don't have a lick of craft in me; I can barely color inside the lines. but my friend D does.  She possesses the 3 B's - Beauty, Brains and Badassness in all forms - so she said she would help me make this costume which is and was becoming the bane of my existence.

We needed to do a Joann Fabrics run, but my son was really sick.  I had to bring him with me to her house though because she needed to get his measurements,  Fortunately, my son and her son are best friends so leaving him to veg on her couch wasn't a problem.  Since it was just a craft store run and because I had been dealing with a sick kid; I was not glam squaded when we headed over.  This was a mistake because shortly after our arrival - Hot Single Dad showed up to pick his son up from the sleepover that D had hosted the night before. It was like he was walking in a ray of light and I was speechless. I immediately pulled my hair out of my pony tail and tried my best to not look like Single Haggard Mom.  I cursed myself for maybe the only time in my life I forgot lip gloss.  I am sure I was all sort of awkward, speechless and giggling at the same time.  He grabbed his son and was gone - along with my heart which followed him out the door.

Flash forward to Saturday.  Every time there is a UFC fight, D has a party at her house and all the kids get a sleepover.  Since HSD and her son have become thick as thieves - this means he would at the very least be dropping his son off and at best staying for the party.  I of course was pushing for the latter.  I texted D to ask if she had gotten a confirmation from HSD and she said she was just getting ready to let me know he was coming.

Holy buttered biscuits - I only had four hours to get ready and  I was stuck cooking butter steak at the ex's.  After my steak was done and the kitchen cleaned up; I made an excuse how I needed to shower. (Well I did - I smelled like butter steak which under some circumstances might be an aphrodisiac - but this was not one of them.)  I grabbed Gman and ran home to commence prep work.  My son who now considers himself a fashionisto/Lifestyle Guru raided my closet trying to find me something to wear. (Mental note - a nine year old boy will try to dress you like Cinderella which is not at all appropriate to watch men kick the snot out of each other.)  I decided on jeans, a low cut tank top and and sheer mullet t-shirt.  I took a quick shower. shaved the extremities and it was time to do the hair.  (Second mental note - a nine year old boy will try to put you in braids and barrettes. Boho/playground wasn't the look I was going for much to his dismay.)  I haven't touched up my roots in awhile; so the flat iron was out.  Nothing says Single Haggard Mom like an inch of grey hair.  I decided beach curls were the way to go.

I ended up somewhere between beach waves and Shirley Temple, but either way my hair looked AH-MAZING.  My son was still grumbling over the fact that I wasn't in a lace gown with braids and barrettes and even more mad that I wouldn't let him do my make-up. (Third Mental Note - even though I let him give me a makeover for Mother's Day - Carrie post prom was also not the look I was going for.)  I compromised and let him put on my lip gloss (Fourth mental note - if you let your nine year old apply your lip gloss- you will look like you just finished a makeout sesh even if you haven't locked lips with anyone.)  Then off we went to the grocery store to pick up something to bring.  As we are checking out, the manager asked me what trip this was today.  Apparently I am known for making multiple trips a day to this store.  I told him it was only my second trip and before I could stop my mouth - the next thing I know I am totally trying to pick up the manager. I was watching it unfold like an out of body experience. Something about how I can't go to a UFC fight empty handed and oh really -  you are going to Star Wars party for your nephew's 21st birthday - great what time do you get off - I'll drop my son off and be back - what it's in Corona - so what - are you driving?.  People behind me were laughing and my son was just shaking his head at me asking to be excused to go look at Redbox.  It was the hairdo I tell you.

We get the party (and no I never went back to the grocery store) and waiting for my mom tribe to show up and HSD to arrive.  Mom tribe arrives, margaritas commence and HSD walks in, Again I swear he had a heavenly light shining around him.  My heart which he took the last time he left, leapt back into my throat and I tried to play it cool.  I felt bad for the guy because he was totally surrounded by the mom tribe like fresh blood in a pool of sharks.  I never really got a chance to talk to him though because he was discussing little league with another mom and well my son acts and sings - he doesn't play sports.  I learned all sorts of useful tidbits about him though.  The mom tribe ended up outside somehow and HSD ended up on the couch with the rest of the men.  No way to infiltrate that either.  Then before I know it - the party is over and he is thanking D for the invite stating his daughter was home alone and didn't want to leave her by herself much longer.  I let him know we do this once a month and he should come next month.  For a brief moment - we connected.  He told me he loved to cook and he would bring something next time.  We locked eyes and he said it was good seeing me again and he'd see me soon.  Then we was gone.  Cue swooning, blushing etc. He must have fallen for the mass of curls on my head that I couldn't stop tossing.  Since he was gone though - it immediately went back into my signature pony tail

I was quickly brought back to reality when Gman started tugging at my shirt telling me  "Mom, I want to go home."

Wha wha what?  No, I was just about to embark of 12 hours of peace and quiet where I could replay out exchange in my head for hours.  What do you mean you don't want to spend the night?

Apparently he doesn't like HSD's son very much and felt like his son and D's son were being mean and he was done.  Not only was he done, he doesn't want any playdates nor does he to invite HSD's son to his birthday party.

Child you are killing me.

He just closed down EVERY open door I could've had to sidle my way in.

This is my life.

Oh well, maybe the grocery store manager is single...

I Am Not My Mom

There is a running joke in my household.  Somewhere in Newport Beach there is an affluent couple with a brown haired, brown eyed boy.  He's almost nine, usually sickly, withdrawn and not doesn't have many friends.  He avoids the spotlight and doesn't excel in school.  The parents wonder if their child wasn't switched at birth because this can't possibly be their child.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Orange County; there is an amazing blonde haired, blue eyed monkey who is everything that child is not.  This is my child and I too wonder if he was switched at birth.  Never mind the fact that he was with me in the hospital the entire time and he is my mini-me.  Seriously - the kid is my mirror image in boy form.

I was nothing like him at his age.  This kid has drive.  He has a passion for music and acting. He has a core set of friends.  His teachers love him and he is an over all good kid.  He is your typically over-scheduled child with his acting, his singing and his martial arts - yet his grades don't falter.  He is nothing like me.

The problem with having such a social child is that is make ME have to be social.  I'm not social.  I don't like dealing with people.  Texting is a godsend to me because I don't actually have to talk to the person on the other end.  Those moms at the park that I avoided like the plague when he was a baby now know me and worse - know my name.  They make small talk with me because now our kids go to the same school and my son always has a major role in the school plays. They know us.  

I have had to accept that I need to be friends with his friends parent's because it takes a tribe to raise a child and sleepovers are a big thing at this age.  That mom is going to be the one to pick up your kid when you can't make it to the school on time just like I will take their kids when they need that kid free night out.  It has been an interesting dynamic and well - I actually love these moms.  I have a dope tribe.  I don't really remember my mom interacting with my friend's parents until I was much older,  It was a different time.  They didn't helicopter parent and the hour long pedicure with your kid's best friend's mom to get away wasn't a thing in 1979.  I mean my mom knew my friend's parents, but they never hung out.  

I am not sure if my mom went and ran the fruit and veggie stand at lunch time that a huge number of kids would have yelled "HI KATHIE" HI Kathy's mom!".  I got exactly that when I ran my son's veggie bar only I got "Hi Kathy" or HI Gman's Mom.  Calling "Kathy's mom" would have been awkward.  Back then it seemed like it was only the eccentric moms that volunteered in the classroom and at the schools.  I know my mom didn't and I can't recall any of my friend's ever doing it either. If only I had a picture of me rocking that hairnet cap and gloves doling out watermelon.  I might not have looked hot, but my kid was proud.

Lastly - I am sure there was PTA back then,  Heck there was the movie and song Harper Valley PTA, but my mom was never part of that.  Again - it falls back on the times.  Our parents for the most part didn't volunteer.  PTA was where I drew the line.  Sure I made mom friends - but I am not one of THOSE moms.  I mean that is way above and beyond the grounds of social.  I am not alone in this thought because I have plenty of mom friends that say they will volunteer at different activities, but no thank you to being on the board.  That was the hard line I took,

Yeah, we all know where hard lines and I stand.

"Mom. you HAVE to join the PTA.  If they don't get enough board members then there won't be a PTA" "Not my problem kiddo."  "Mom, that means no Halloween Hoot.  You can't let that happen."  No son, you are right - the hoot is important.  It really is the social event for the kids  So the next thing I know - I'm on the board.  I wasn't going to be the reason there was not Halloween Hoot - I have enough mom guild thank you very much,

So insread, I tried to get myself kicked off the board. I have attended only a handful of meetings and I don't think I have produced a single news letter.   I only went to the last meeting to get myself unelected off the board.  I even announced that I wasn't going to be back.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

That's all fine and dandy except the President has done her two terms and has to take a different position.  The Vice President is coming back at all and the Treasurer doesn't want to do it anymore either,  Nobody who was already happy in their position wanted to step up and there was no fresh blood in the water.  The only option was a mom who might be willing to take my spot.  So what did Kathy the Wonder Mom do?

You guessed it.

I put my name in for President and after a couple of drinks - convinced two of my tribe moms to take Treasurer and Vice President.  Booyah.  Now my dope tribe will be running the PTA with me.

Can I handle it?  I have no idea.  Will I ruin the school?  Quite possibly.  I am I going to be the most awesome PTA President?  You know it!  I guess my days of nobody knowing my name. 

PTA President is something that my mom never would have done.  That's OK though, because I am not my mom because my son is not me!

UPDATE - I am not going to be President after all.  This is why I don't like stepping up,  We suddenly went from OMG WE ARE GOING TO LOSE OUR CHARTER!!!! to oh, well the Treasurer who was quitting decided she wants to be President and our President who was going to head up Membership now is going after VP.  So my dope tribe is no longer needed.  As much as I want to quit - I have to stay on to prove to my son (who gave me a very healthy lecture about quitting) that you can't quit because you don't get what you want.  It was a fun dream,

Three Weeks In

I guess you could technically say that I have been taking my jiu jitsu class for a month, but I am not counting that first week.  I did learn some basics, but it was a good month before I made it back to attending classes regularly,

I had a melt down last week, but I was proud of myself for not actually crying until I made it to the car.  It was all over the warm ups.  Some days the warm ups are like a power yoga class and I am in awe of just how flexible these men are. I do as much as I can and try to modify the moves to my ability level (i.e. not getting pinched by my fat rolls as I'm twisting myself to the side.)  Then there are the days when they do drills.  Now I know I can't do a lot of them and normally it doesn't affect me, but Monday it did.  Snake moves - not problem.  Front snake move?  I couldn't even figure it out. Cat crawl?  I somehow lack the coordination to get timing right.  Same for the Spiderman crawl.  My army crawl was pathetic and by end I was almost in tears, but wasn't going to shed any on the mat.  It was a full class and I felt pathetic.

I had to work with my son't best friend's sister who was promoted to a yellow belt that night.  She is the most amazing girl in the world.  She is kind, encouraging and just has an overall amazing attitude.  In my self defeatest funk - I felt bad she had to work with me. She's 15 and taking the adult class so she can progress and she was stuck with the noob.  I always feel self conscious when I work with her for some reason though.  I shouldn't.  Like I said - she is an awesome young lady.  My instructor was trying to take pictures of me and it was pissing me off.  My form was off and I know I wasn't doing that particular thing he had me doing right.  He was telling me I was doing it well and I was mad at him for sugar coating it.  He totally believes in motivation by positive reinforcement, but if I am sucking fierce - I want to know.  When it was all said and done - I couldn't get to my car fast enough.  The tears streamed down my face hot and fast.  My worst fear was recognized - showing how bad I suck in front of others.

Tuesday I had a long talk with a friend who also takes the class.  He gave me words of encouragement.  I managed ti get my head back on straight,

Wednesday the instructor gave me another pep talk and reminded me that this isn't easy and there is so much to learn.  I am not in shape by any stretch of the imagination, but the fact that I am trying speaks volumes.  He said it was ok, that I can't remember what I was taught two days ago because we are more working on building my strength, my core and dropping weight right now.  He gently reminded me that it will all come, but it takes time.  Yes the black belts make it look easy.  They have been doing it for a long time and if they don't make it look easy - they are doing it wrong.

Wednesday was also an eye opener for me.  There is a 10 year old who also got promoted to a yellow belt that came in for the adult class.  He was hoping to work with my son's best friend's sister,  She wasn't at that class, so he was stuck working with me.  I am twice this kid's weight and I couldn't snake out of his guard (or get myself out of him blocking me with is legs) because he was that strong. During a different exercise where were were learning (well I was learning - he was a pro at it) the most basic sweep - he threw me over like a was rag doll.  It's all about leverage and positioning.  I give the kids in the kids class a lot of credit.  This isn't easy and they certainly show what can be done with hard work!

This Monday was much better for me.  Again the warm ups were the drills that I falter on, but I did them the best that I could.  I discovered that I am getting a lot faster at my snake move even though it still makes me dizzy/  I did what I could do, didn't attempt what I knew I couldn't (backward shoulder rolls) and tried to work on the drills that gave me fits.  There was one we did Saturday that I couldn't get the hang of very well and we had to do it again Monday.  It made more sense to me this thime and was told I was doing well by the black belt running the class.  This man has never said so much as hi to me in 6 months even though our kids take the same kids class.  I felt very triumphant because for the most part, I don't think anyone else pays attention to me because I'm still learning.  I'm far from being able to spar with these guys and I don't know enough actually do what they are learning in the class.  I did get to do modified versions of the techniques they were learning.

I have found now that I have gotten out of my head and learned to be happy with the fact I am trying - it's a very rewarding experience.  I am sore in new places every other day and I limp with pride because I know it means I am working a body part that was static.  I am noticing tone in my legs and biceps.  It is slowly coming together.

Now if I can just figure out how to get my gi, I am well on my way to my first stripe on my belt!

The Friend Zone

I am swimming in the murkiest waters I have ever dared tread.  I'm supposed to be a relationship expert of sorts, but I admit it; I am flummoxed.  I've been put in that place that may only be one step above purgatory, but equally as gut wrenching.  Yes, I'm in the Friends Zone.

This is uncharted territory.  I have been the placer - but never the placee.  I discussed this with the guy that I friend zoned and he said I was buried so deep in it that I may never see the light of day.  I secretly think he was laughing his ass off at me.

You see, I have this friend.  I am not sure why I was attracted to him - he isn't my type.  Like polar opposite.  Like he has never seen Star Wars all the way through, doesn't play a lot of video games, wears cowboy boots - you know -  not my type.  We had a flirt thing going on, but we never acted on it  One night a bunch of my friends and I went to a club and I got hammered.  I tried to be cute and flirty and he ignored me.  One of my friend's was feeling sick, so he said he would drive her home.  Being drunk, I was all huggy telling her good bye and the guy friend asked me "What about me?  What am I chopped liver?" Hurricane Kathy took over.  I blew up and yelled "I have been throwing myself at you all night and you have ignored my every move.  How do I make it more clear?  Do I grab your face and kiss you?  NO? Well then I guess I AM CHOPPED LIVER". I then proceeded storm off in the most dramatic fashion to go find my other friend.  She was of course nowhere to be found and I had to come back to the table.  He was LIVID and I didn't care.

It took quite a while for him to warm back up to me, but things mostly went back to normal. 

The flirty text ceased, but we established a friendship.

Recently we had a Buffalo Wild Wings open up near our work.  This was kind of a big deal because one thing Orange County lacks is a decent wings joint.  We were all going to go there to celebrate another friend's birthday, but decided we didn't have enough time.  I went into work on a Gman free Saturday and decided BWW was going to be my lunch so  I texted my objet d'affection that I was going there.  A half an hour later he calls and asks what time I was going.  We decided to meet at 12:30 for lunch.  Then the rest of my work day was shot.   He decided he needed sunglasses and asked if I wanted to go the mall.  He needed to make one stop first, and then we went back to his place to park my car.  Once the car situation was handled, we were off to the mall.  He got his sunglasses and I dragged him into an anime shop.  He was very out of his element as I brought him into mine.  Like I said, polar opposites.

It was then decided since we had nothing else going on, he needed a surround sound system for his tv.  This required a trip to the bank.  After the bank, he dragged me with him to  get his hair cut.  After the haircut we went and got his surround sound system and then went back to his place.  He put it together and then we watched a little Netflix. I sat on once side of the couch; him on the other.  After two episodes of Prison Break, I went home.  That's it.  Six hours together and nothing happened.  

NOTHING HAPPENED.  

No hand holding.  No arm stretches to put his arms around me. No makeout sessions.  I did get a hug good bye, but that was it.  I was given an open invitation to hang out whenever I wanted though.

Great.  Not only am I in the friends zone - I am also a Main Hang minus the sex.

Now if I were counseling anyone other than myself, I would refer them to the book He's Just Not that Into You.  Mainly the part where it states that if a guy is in to you - he will do anything to make being with you happen.  He will call you.  He will text you.  He will ask you out on a real date - not make you buy your own damn chicken wings.  When it comes to me though - well I tend to be blind and make excuses.  Ok - maybe he is just that dense and really doesn't know I like him.  I text him that he should realize just how awesome I really am and actually ask me out instead of all this open hang nonsense.  He never responded.  He will talk to me at work and he comes into my area all the time, but alas - no date requests.  

Some of my other friends suggested that I tear down his wall and beat him upside the head with the proverbial brick.  So this time I just spell it out.  "Look - I really like you.  I know we are polar opposites, but I think your order and structure would do me good.  I also know that you are in desperate need of a bit of my hot mess.  I don't think it would be as bad as you think it would.  We both know you aren't going to respond though - so I'm just going to ignore you." Again - no response.  My son said he was rude and that I shouldn't be his friend because we don't play with rude people.  (Logic as only an eight year old can give it).  I did ignore him as stated only responding to work related questions even having to remind him that I was ignoring him.  I did remind him though that the Fast and the Furious 7 was coming out in April so he better get back into my good graces before it comes out (It's the ONLY thing we have in common),  It was the only text he acknowledged.

That lasted a good week and a half. Somehow my spirit broke and I invited him to watch a UFC fight with me next weekend at a friend's house and he actually agreed. 

It's not a date though.

I'm in the Friend Zone.

Have you ever been friend zoned?  How did you deal with it?  Did you take it to the next level?