A Weighty Matter

There were plenty of reasons I skipped my high school reunions.  My 10 year fell on the same weekend that my best friend was getting married & from what I understand it - it was just a giant kegger anyways.  My 20 year was a different story.  I considered it (briefly) but changed my mind. One reason was the cost.  I mean really - why was I going to fly 2200 miles home and pay $50 bucks a plate to eat dinner with a bunch of people who wouldn't let me eat lunch with them 20 years ago.  Another reason is - well I got fat.  That may seem like a really lame reason to some, but it was very valid for me.

You see; my awkward years spanned from oh 8 through about 21.  I was sweet 16 & never been kissed & graduated high school a virgin.(yes I know given my past - that is hard to believe.) No guy I was ever really interested in high school was never interested in me until AFTER graduation when I was in my "hot" period. The LAST thing I wanted to do was show up looking like a plump princess & have my hottie dreamboat who married an even hotter girl look at me & think GOOD GOD - I F'D THAT? What about the guy who was in my best friend's fraternity that I graduated with.  We hooked up at the bar, went home to watch Aladdin, I spent the night, he kissed me good-bye the next morning & I never saw him again.  Would I really want him to see me in what was my current state? The answer in my head was a resounding Not Just No - HELL NO! I don't want to be remembered as the shy unpopular girl or the fat unpopular woman.

Now never mind that some of the kickline & cheerleaders blew up so big that even in my larger state - I still looked small.  Never mind that some of the guys probably married a nice cornfed girl that resembles my current state and are happy as can be.  That is all fine and dandy, but it kills the illusion - at least in my head. I am catty enough to make fun of others - so I know my weight would have been fair game.

Weight is something I struggle with. I know at some point Fred will roll into my neck of the coast & I am terrifed of what he will think when he sees me.  Sure the weight gain has made for some FANTASTIC boobs, but that isn't enough to make up for the extra poundage elsewhere. I think it is great that J-Lo and Christina Aguilera had enough self esteem to show off everything but their hooha & nips at the AMA's because they can embrace their "curvy' appearance.  Personally - I was embarrased for them.  I mean they were considered sex symbols in their prime, yet J- Lo had the side fat rolls rockin' & Christina just looked like a sausage about to bust out of it's casing.  Why am I bagging on them if I know I am not one to talk?  Because they put themselves out there in a "hey look at me fashion".  I looked and didn't like what I saw. I think there just comes a time when you realize that you are not 20 anymore. That most of us don't resemble that girl who could wear anything & usually did. We know that now if we up play the boobs, we down play the bottoms & vice versa. That we are mom's (and some of us dad's) who are involved in our kid's lives & don't have a nanny. We eat the damn dinosaur chicken because kidlet didn't finish it & we are still hungry.

I know that the person who will truly love me - will love me whether I look like a waif or I ate 1 too many waifers.  I am sure that Fred will not shun me (although I cannot be positive if he would sleep with me). I just have to learn to love me - no matter what my reflection says or nobody ever will.  As for the 40 year reunion.  I am sure I will find a good reason to skip that one too!