D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This day had been coming for a very long time.  Since about 2005.  I remember the fight as clear as day.  He was packing his stuff saying "the only thing that would keep me here is if you were pregnant - and we both know that won't happen"  This is funny because at the time I WAS pregnant - we just didn't know yet.  Tempers cooled, underlying resentment bubbled below the surface & 9 months later - a beautiful boy was born. Yesterday I was informed the ball has been set into motion.  Even though it was at my request - it hit me like a hot wave of lava flowing down a countryside.  I know this has to be filed by the end of this year - or our financial aid status for school will be rendered nil because of me finally working. It is long overdue.
We can play the blame game.  You didn't do this, I didn't do that - on and on and on.  In the end though, what does that accomplish?  His camp is telling him "get a good attorney because she is going to rob you blind."  My camp is telling me "Get a good attorney & rob him blind." Neither is a positive approach. Every dollar spent fighting each other is a dollar that isn't going towards our son. So in rare California fashion - we are going to try to make this as amicable as possible. I want my belongings, he wants his belongings & thus shall it be.

The past few years have been hell.  I have allowed myself into a position that I never thought possible & would only wish on a worst enemy.  They were learning experience though and have helped get me to what I am now.  I am terrified of what the future holds because - well - I have never been truly alone. The devil you know is more comforting than the devil you don't & I have been with the same person for 13 years.  Even separated; because of his school schedule - I find myself at his place more than my own.  That will dissipate more & more & I will find myself alone more & more. Even with 2 room-mates - it's not quite the same since we are rarely even home at the same time.

When the judge declare it final - I will be truly on my own for the 1st time in my life. THAT I think: is the hardest part for me. But as Katy Perry put it - Maybe the reason why every door is closed - is so you can open one that leads you down the perfect road.  My walking shoes are on & I am ready to go.  I just better bring some tissue because I know I am going to cry even though the journey.