A Work in Progress - Original Fiction by KLW

Lane woke up flushed and a little disoriented. Realizing she was in her bed; she was able to ascertain that it was just a dream. A dream about him. It wasn't the first time she romantically liasoned with him in her slumber and probably not the last time either. She layed there for a few more minutes trying to recall how his lips felt on hers. It seemed so real. "Snap out of it Lane" she told herself. She knew she was out of his league and being a co-worker made it even more unattainable.

She got out of bed and checked her clock. 6:25 - she dallied in bed too long and now there was no time for a shower. She attempted to run a brush through her unruly blonde curls but it just made it frizzier. Into a ponytail it went and she cursed the fact that she didn't straighten it the night before. She proceeded to dress, brush her teeth and put on a smattering of make-up. A touch of lipgloss and she was good to go. "Good enough for who it's for" she proclaimed, as she took one last glance before running out the door to catch her bus.

She listened to a sports talk podcast on her commute in. This provided an excuse to not to have to talk to strangers and the football talk took her mind of that dream. Twenty minutes later she arrived at work. Baker and Jones was nationally renowned law firm where she was a junior paralegal. Her object of desire was Jackson Marks; an attorney who was making quite a name for himself in the office. His writing skills were unparalleled and he was brilliant. He had a soft spoken demeanor and wasn't loud an aggressive like so many other attorneys in the office. He was also 10 years her junior, but that didn't stop the feelings she felt for him.

Squired away in the comfort of her office, she was pretty sure she wouldn't see Jackson unless they passed in the halls. Upon opening her email, she discovered Marge the receptionist was going to be out. That was three days in a row now.This meant Lane would be covering the front desk and Jackson would pass by her multiple times that day. His soft blue eyes, his crisp white shirt. the scent of his cologne that drove her crazy..."Damnit Lane - it's never going to happen - get a grip on yourself!" She gathered her belongings and headed to the front.

"Is Marge out again?" Jackson asked? Lane tried to control her flush that she felt rising from below her collar. Just a few short hours ago, they were kissing in a rainstorm. She had to initiate the kiss because he was so reserved, but the passion was undeniable. Reality checked back in and she responded "Yes Jackson, she is. You will have to suffer through me yet another day" It was his turn to blush. "What, no, I ,i didn't mean it like that. You, you your fine up here. I was just curious about Marge" he stammered. He had such a social awkwardness that was endearing. She managed to get through the day as the the phones had been busy all day. It was a very welcome distraction. While her own work was piling up, she knew she would be in over the weekend to make up her billable hours.

-------- *---------

Saturday morning Lane woke up refreshed. She couldn't remember her any of her dreams last night, but then again she didn't have to wrestle with her feelings for Jackson at that moment either. She went into the bathroom and started the water for her shower, She undid the bun from the top of her headand let the pile of loose curls fall to her shoulders. She took a long look at herself in the mirror. She didn't look bad for 40. Most people guessed her age to be much younger and she was quite content with that idea. A 30 year old attorney could do much worse than her. Once the mirror started to fog, she removed her clothes and stepped into the shower. She let the water stream across her body and drifted back into that dream. They were trying to get out the the door to for their date, but every obstacle imaginable kept stumbling in their way. Through every twist and turn, he stayed at her side smiling that soft smile of his. Determined to make this date happen, she grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door. He looked a little shock at her aggressiveness, but never let go of her hand. Once they were outside, they discovered it was raining hard and neither of them had an umbrella. He looked down at her kind of at a loss as to what to do next since they were supposed to walk to their destination. Lane did the only thing she could think of at that time. Everything else had gone wrong that night - what did she have to lose? She grabbed his face and kissed him. To her surprise, he kissed her back. Slow and tentative at first then building into a passion that Lane had not experience in ages. The rain fell hard around them, but neither seemed to notice. The rain felt cold on her skin and she lapsed back into reality when she realized it was the shower that was cold and not the rain. How long had she been in there? She washed her hair quickly, then applied her conditioner. She lathered herself up as the conditioner set in & rinsed both/ A quick once over with the razor before the hot water ran out and she hopped out of the shower and into her robe.

It was already warm for May, so she dressed in a tank top and a pair of skinny jeans. She still had a bit of time before she had to be to work, so she straightened the her hair so it wouldn't frizz in the humidity. She really wasn't sure why she was making such an effort. Chances were that she would be the only one in the office. On the weekends she usually just came in with yoga pants and a tshirt on, but something was telling her to spruce it up a bit. She put on her flats, grabbed her iPod and her purse headed out the door. When she arrived at work, she was indeed the only one there. She loved working on Saturdays. She could put her earbuds in, blast her music and grind out the work without constant interruptions the normal work week brought.

The Higgins case was going to trial in two weeks and she needed to put together several witness folders. She looked for the file, but having not been in her office for three days any number of people could have it now. She looked up who was on the case and saw it was Tom Phillips and Jackson Marks. Ah Jackson, but she had work to do and did not have time to daydream about a silly crush that a woman her age had no business having. She went into Mr. Phillips office and it wasn't there. That meant Jackson had it. She headed down the hall to his office. His office had an almost sterile feel to it. He had his degree in Business from USC, his JD from Columbia and a small painting on the walls. He had just one bookcase, two chairs and his desk. Other than some hand sanitizer, his desk only had neatly stacked piles of work. Not even a pen cup. Lane found it curious that there was not a single personal memento in his office. No pictures of friends, family, a girlfriend.

Out of the corner of her eye. she caught movement. Startled, she turned around to see Jackson standing in the doorway. "Oh my God, you scared the hell out me Jackson" She noticed he was in a pair of pair of basketball shorts and a dri-fit shirt that formed to his chiseled chest. There was a lot more muscle to him than she imagined. He was tall and lanky, but very well built. Lane found herself blushing harder. "So what brings you in on a Saturday?" she asked trying to regain her composure. "The Higgins case. I have to finish up my motions in limine before the trial starts. And what brings you into my office on a Saturday? he asked. "The same. I was looking for the Higgins file to finish up my witness folders". He made his way into his office, and pulled the redwell from under a stack of papers. "Here you go" he said and their fingers brushed each other as he handed it over. Lane felt like a lightning bolt had struck her. So much electricity from one small touch. "If you need anything from the file, just come and grab it from my desk" she said and went back to her office.

Once at her desk, Lane replayed that whole scene in her mind. Jackson smelled so good. A mix of sweat and his cologne made her weak at the thought. He must have just come from the gym. She thought about that brief moment when their skin made contact. It seemed to have taken Jackson by surprise. Did he feel the same wave of energy she did? What was it about him anyways? She didn't really have time to ponder that question "These witness folders aren't going to make themselves" she muttered and plugged her earbuds and buried herself in her work. About an hour and half later, she looked up and there was Jackson standing in her doorway. She startled at the sight of him and asked "Uhm, how long have you been standing there?' "Long enough to hear you sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" he replied with a wicked grin she had never seen before. "You sing well" he said. Lane must have turned fifteen shade of red. "Do you need your file back?' She asked. "No, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to grab some lunch. It looks like we both may be here for awhile today and I'm starving". It took her a minute to process this. Did Jackson just ask her out? Trying not to seem to eager despite her insides screaming YES YES YES, she responded with a casual "Sure, there's a place down the street that has great vegetarian dishes." "How did you know I was a vegetarian? he asked. "That's what's makes me a great paralegal" she said with a smile.

Another Chapter - Literally!

All my life I have longed to be creative and artsy.  I have always been less than successful.  I got a D in home ec because I couldn't sew.  My 9th grade art teacher begged me not to take his class because my art skills were so poor - I did anyways - I got a big fat F.  I once made a 1 successful line of jewelry except that once I finished that line, I couldn't come up with anything original.  I also discovered a friend of mine was also making jewelry and her necklaces made mine look like macaroni necklaces.  I even took a photography class only to have it hammered home - I am not creative.

Then came along this blog. A simple little creative tidbit that has made a huge impact on my life.  I have gotten no negative feed back on it (although I welcome it).  I have been applauded for my brutal honesty.  I have been complimented on how well written it is. I have caught many of you off guard with a change in story style such as "A Letter to Me".  I have been told that a year from when I started, I should submit this as a humor book. Mostly though - I have been told how well people relate to my stories. I refuse to write to fill my pages with fluff and will only post if inspiration strikes or if I want to share. I want to be able to satiate my need for creativity while giving you something worthwhile to read.  This blog has gone a completely different way than I envisioned it and it couldn't be more satisfying to me.

Now I really don't fancy myself a writer. I'm an Irish Leo which means that I can tell an awesome story with a lot of flourish - that's all.  My  friend SaucyWriterGirl has been doing this for years and her dream of getting published has recently came true. She is my mentor and I hope to not disappoint!  She is after all the driving force that led to the blog in the first place!  My writing is still in it's infancy stage, but she is persuading me to expand the boundaries of this little blog.  To try my hand at a short story or two.  To pull my inspiration from my torrid past, to funnel my needs and desires that are not being met into a character that can have her happy ending.  To try my hand at a romance or an even juicier erotica bit.  Who knows where it will lead.

So my keyboard is my paintbrush and this blog is my canvas.  Here's to seeing what colorful creations I can create as I paint with words.  Now if I could only get past the 4th paragraph of the story I have started,,,,,

Words Hit Harder Than Your Hand

If you look at her face, you will see no bruises. The only scars you will see are self or accident inflicted. She has no broken bones by his hand, but it doesn't change the face of abuse.

Do not be fooled; verbal abuse packs a powerful punch.  Only your psyche and your soul are bruised while you smile and pretend everything is fine.  One can only be called a stupid fucking moron so many times.  One can only be controlled for so long.  One starts to doubt themselves because if the one who promised to love her to death do us part tells he she is worthless - then she must be.  Why else would he say such cruel things to her?  Her mistake was perhaps trying to cater to his need in the beginning because that's what you do when you love someone.  She just really can't remember when he stopped catering to her.  When the nice gestures suddenly became make or break demands.  When  did he lose the capability of doing things on his own? 

He will tell her she isn't needed and make exaggerated gestures to show that he CAN do things on his own just to make her feel - well worthless.  She will then try harder to prove her worth and the pressure will make her crack.  She will walk in eggshells trying to try to stay on his good side. She won't.  The dishes might not get done because she worked all day and was tired and there will be hell to pay at 4 am when he goes to make coffee.  She might not be able to figure out what's for dinner & be berated because she made pan fried chicken again.  She will be called names, be belittled and cannot voice her opinion because he will come back and point out everything she has done wrong, failed to follow through on or flat out failed at & then tell he she deserved it.  She will never be right and he will never be wrong. 

She may even become physically abusive to him.  It is equally as wrong as she leaves marks, but sometimes it is the only defense mechanism she has. She could block a punch, but his words pierce her heart & all she can do is lash out with her fist.  She will hit him, scratch him, kick him and he will call her more names, tell her she is unstable and how the household is better off without her chaos.  He may make her sleep on a slide for a night to teach her a lesson, or sleep in the car until he wakes up & demands coffee.  She may leave him, but she will come back because the devil you know isn't nearly as scary as the devil you don't.

Again, she will bear no visible marks, but she will be proverbally bleeding out on the inside.  Nobody knows except maybe the neighbors who can hear everything, but act like there is nothing going on.  It's none of their business.  Then - when it is FINALLY over - everyone will say "Really, you two are divorcing?  You two seemed like such a good couple."  .

A Few Things Being a Mom Has Taught Me.

I have a boy.  The most amazing 5.75 year old you ever did meet. He is a grade level smarter than the grade he is in, he is handsome, he has manners & he has taught me a few of the following things:

Body Humor is Funny. 

It doesn't matter if it is a burp (yours or his) a fart (again yours or his) anything that has to do with the body that makes noise is hysterical.

Legos are a Stinkin' Man's Job. 

Maybe not in your household but certainly in mine. Those directions don't make sense to me (maybe because I lack depth perception) Rest assured if you ask me for help - there will be multiple pieces left over & a 5 year old saying "I'm getting daddy - this is a stinkin' man's job mom" (ok - so sometimes I pretend not to know what I'm doing - I hate playing Legos)

Privacy is a Thing of the Past

There used to be a time when I could do my business in peace.  Now if the ex isn't barging in to tell me something that can't wait 3 minutes, the kid is at the door asking "mommy are you done yet".  If that wasn't enough - the cat seems to think he has carte blanche to push his way in & meow at me until I feed him. Even so, I still find myself sneaking in there just for a few moments of silence until said interruptions occur.  So yeah that FB or Twitter update was probably just done on the pot.

I Rock at Name That Tune a la Radio Disney

My son seems to think that I need to know every song played on this station & should be able to name in within the 1st 3 chords.  I lost Cool Mom Points when I couldn't tell him who was singing "We Need a Little Christmas".  Worry not - I got them back when Radio Disney put me on the air when I called to find out who it was.(it was Shane Harper from Good Luck Charlie just in case you were dying to know too) Long gone are the days when I could simply amaze him because I knew all the words to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star & Row Row Row Your Boat.

Children Have No Filter

"I'm just waiting for my mom - she has bad poopy butt"  Well  I'm really not sure all the ladies in the restroom needed to know that - but thanks for sharing sweetness.

I Need to Find a Better Hiding Place for my 'Toys"

"OOOOH mommy - what's this blue squishy thing & can I play with the purple rocket?" Uh  stay out of my drawers & hey there is a piece of candy on the counter in the kitchen - why don't you go grab it? (mad scramble to find a better hiding place & mental note to close my drawers BEFORE he walks in my room)

Sarcasm and Wit is Apparently Inherited

G: Mommy, when do you get married?

Me: When you fall in love & decide this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with

G: Did fall in love with Daddy?

Me: Yes Baby I did

G How's that working out for you now?

ba dah bum

For Lisa Marie

My dear friend is getting married in May.  I really cannot afford a tangible present - so Saucywritergirl this is for you.

There is always a defining moment where everything changes.  You can retrace your steps & go "Oh - so that's where it started."  That moment for me was when I moved back to Dayton from Cincinnati & took a job at General Surplus.  This was a very he vs. she type of environment where  if you were a guy you got hired in at a higher rate than your female coworkers and promoted over your female coworkers even if they had more experience than you.  So the females tended to band together since there were only about 5 of us.  This is where I met the lovely Laurie Trick (if you are in the Dayton or surrounding areas and need massage therapy - she is your woman!) and of course Lisa.  It was with Lisa and Laurie that I discovered The Asylum which became the staple of my mid twenties.

I eventually left GS after one too many incidents of sexual harassment and discrimination, but remained friends with Lisa. She introduced me to our friend Tania & the three of us became quite the club triumvirate.  Our styles were all different - Lisa was respectable, Tania experimental and I was the one most out of control.  We all had the same core of friends, but our guy interests usually branched out in 3 different directions.  Rest assured though that on any given Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday, you wouldn't see one of us without the other 2 somewhere near by.

I will be the first to admit it - being as insecure as I am - I was always jealous of Lisa.  She was that perfect kind of cute with the strong personality. I knew no matter how hard I tried - I could never be her and it killed me inside.  I wasn't a very good friend to her back in those days because I wanted to steal her glory so I might shine as brightly. We butted heads more than a few times. "I do NOT approve of this, but  so help me god if you screw him over Kathy - you will not live to tell the tale.  You bore easily & this guy is important to me - DON'T SCREW THIS ONE UP" was what she told me when she found out I was "dating" someone she dated previously. Even then she was a master of words.  (For the record - he screwed me over because he sort of forgot to tell me he was dating someone else & debuted her on his arm after the Captain Woodycrafter CD release party).  She disapproved of almost everything I ever wore to the club.   I was always trying to steal Tania's attention from her and my lowest point was when I started a graffiti war in the bathroom that everyone thought she started and did nothing to detract from it. When I left for California, we were "friends"  but not really FRIENDS.  I did run into her a few years later when I came home for a wedding and apologized.  It was accepted, but there was still an icy chill in the air - as it should have been.

Fast forward about 9 years.  She found me on Facebook and somehow the bridge had been mended so well - one would never have known how unsturdy it was.  We both grew up and have gone through some serious life drama.  She has grown into an even stronger personality and has dealt with things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  She is an amazing writer, a more amazing mother and most of all she become one of my best friends.  We Facebook each other while Tweeting each other.  We text almost every other day.  She was there for me when I was shipped to a homeless shelter (she was one of about 5 people who knew what was going on when I disappeared for 3 months).  She has been there for me when I moved out and  tried to learn how to navigate semi-single.  She is there when I am at my lowest, feel the most lost and have no direction.  She gives me words of encouragement & then apologizes for sounding like Doctor Phil.  What I never knew until recently is that she worried about me even back then because I was so out of control - she - like most just didn't know how to reel me in & it was frustrating.  Without her encouragement - you wouldn't be reading this blog. 

So Lisa Marie, she who has weathered so much so far, as you prepare to marry your love for a second time - please know I wish you all the happiness and strength you deserve.  Know that as you are for me - I will always be there for you even if you need me - good bad or pocket text. I am proud we made it through our 20's and am proud of the woman you have become.  I am still jealous of you - but not like before.  I still wish I had your shine, but now I am content that you share it with me.  Mostly, I am proud to be your friend & while miles separate us - our hearts will always be connected because I love you like a sister.

I Can't Change Time, But It's Sure Changed Me.

I'd like to think that I still have a modicum of hipness left in me.  If you were to actually see me right now - you would notice I am rocking a pair of skinny jeans, chucks, the requisite scarf of all So Cal fashionistas and fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingers and toes.  I have a strange obsession with Bruno Mars & could probably kick the pants off of any tween who challenged me at name that Radio Disney Pop Crap tunes.  I still get carded for video games,alcohol & at bars.  Despite all that though - I am getting old.

I first noticed it when I had heard Neal Diamond was touring a few years ago.  The first thought that popped into my head was "Wow - that would be a great show". My second inkling was when I discovered I had a full appreciation of the genius that is Freddy Mercury.  Growing up & being forced to listen to both artists made me think my ears would bleed. My parents played both artists rather frequently in my household.

The thought came full circle to me last night in the bathroom of the college campus I attend every Tuesday & Thursday night.  This girl had on the ugliest knee high boots I had ever seen, leggings & a short sweater/  My first thought was "DAMN kids dress dumb today". (I know I dressed dumb when I was young - just ask anyone who was blinded by my fondness of fluorescent in 9th grade.  Or the time I cut a peace sign into my shorts & wore then with black tights & red chucks.  Or the orange corduroy shorts or the pale pink patent leather high heeled mary janes that only I loved.)  Then I mentally recoiled in horror.  I am positive this is something my mother would have said, and her mother would have said and every mother who has ever been a mother might have said.

Then I started to realize how much my views have changed, softened and hardened. I remember whining, begging & pleading to be allowed to wear mini-skirts in high school & junior high.  My mom refused because she thought it was inappropriate.  I understand that now that I see little girls who look twice their age dressing more provocatively that I did at 25.  I get very annoyed when I see people walking to church on Sunday looking like they just left the club on Saturday or wearing jeans & a t-shirt.  Whatever happen to Sunday best people?  Yes you may say God doesn't care how you look - but shouldn't one take a little pride in their looks when they go to worship?  I am bugged more now than ever by people who don't use turn signals, who abuse the 15 items or less line and just over all stupidity.  I can no longer spend a wild night drinking and carry on the next morning status quo.  Hell I can barely stay up past 10 pm anymore.

It is a sobering realization when you think about it. What's next? I mean I have already used the "Because I spent 12 hours in labor to bring you into this world - the least you can do is hold the box of fruit roll ups for me" on the Gman.  I have called the cops when a neighbors party woke me up at 3 am.  I have considered Spanx.  I just hope I don't end up that creepy cat lady that sits on the porch and sneers at the kids going by yelling at them to get off my lawn!

Dude Detox

This probably seems like a strange thing since it isn't like I am having such a vivid dating life.  I am kind of done with the whole online dating thing and have been for awhile.  Ask my friend Lisa aka Saucywritergirl (read her blog - she is awesome) - I haven't talked about any guys in quite awhile.  She is the one who knows all since we text all the time.

The best way to describe the online thing was diamond conversations with cubic zirconia.  All flash & not real.  The thing is - Arizona guy set the bar very high. (Yes I have finally come to terms with the fact I am never going to see him again). I want someone who will tell me I am beautiful because I'm smart - not because I have an amazing rack.  I want to be able to discuss things whether as mundane as how bad the sister from That 70's Show looks in her mug shot to the chapter I just read in Great Expectations.  I don't want Mr. Let Me Come Over and We will watch a Movie.  I want someone who is real.  I don't want just sex.  Hell - I can do the ex when things get bad.  I just can't get the affection or attention I crave.

The other thing is my schedule really doesn't allow time for love.  I work full time, I go to school at night part time and still need to find time to study, take my pictures for a photography class, lab time & oh yeah - be a mom to a 5.5 year old who doesn't get enough Mommy Time.  Where do I squeeze a someone else into that mix?  I can't and I am finally ready to admit it.

I really don't even know if there is someone out there for me right now.  I don't mean that as negative.  Thinking that I am unlovable or cursed in love might be - I think that a lot.  I just think that maybe - I need to stop looking,  I need to take a step back and focus on what I have going on in front me. Not continue looking for what isn't there just because my ego needs to be stroked.

Dude Detox indeed & who knows - they say you find what you seek when you stop looking.  In the meantime - back to the me party & it has kicked off with neon pink toe nail polish and of course my signature fab hair!

Forget About Yours - What About Mine?

So this has been a rough couple of weeks for me. A while back, I lost a filling. Having a disdain for dentists in the OC - I let it go. Because of that - 3 days of roots canals & a crown rebuild on the tooth & I'm $1900 in the hole. Because of this expense - I couldn't afford my birth control this month. So I want to know who I can blame for this & who can I demand pay for my birth control? Why would I ask something so ridiculous? Simple - Sandra Fluke who once she finishes law school, she will be paid an insane amount of money to interpret & protect the law is asking this question.  She thinks her university should pay.  Should my state run college pay for mine?

Women like her make me ashamed of my gender. I'm not even sure where to begin. She chose to get her JD at a private Jesuit university. If she wasn't smart enough to realize that while Georgetown is an elite Law School, it is also a faith based law school; she isn't suited for a clerkship much less a law practices. This university was founded in the 1700's. Their religious foundation has been what it is for HUNDREDS of years and now she & the government think they should change their standards? That is just asinine.   Now didn't read that her doctor wouldn't write her a prescription - just that she couldn't afford The birth control.

This brings me to my second point.  How in the hell did she shell out $3000 for birth control last year? Again I really have to question this woman's research skills.  Even if her student health care plan didn't cover birth control she could get the generic for Ortho-Tricyclin for $9.00 at Walmart & $10.00 at Target without even having to use her student insurance.  That's $120.00 a year.  Unless her uterus is lined with gold and she has to have her pill custom inserted by a specialist - then I would really be curious as to why her expenses were so high. 

None of this is for medical necessity.  She doesn't need the pill to regulate her cycle or to help with dastardly cramps.  She just wants to have sex and not have to pay for her birth control.  Hey - I'm down for all the sex you want - but I don't want my tax dollars being spent on your orgasms sister & I don't believe a private faith based college should either.  She has options.  Maybe trying Planned Parenthood? How about not having a girls night out one weekend so you have your birth control money?  Maybe cut back on the coffee shops?  OOOHHH - how about having her partner help out?  How about if you are so concerned about not getting pregnant and worried about your finances because you are going to an elite and costly law school - try abstinence?  I really think she needs to focus on her research skills. I can't stress that enough, I work at a law firm - it is a very vital skill - much more so than having sex.

Where do we draw the line?   So if she should get her birth control for free - then shouldn't we all?  Then all the men should get their condoms for free too right?  We can't discriminate.  Then we should all be able to get out pets spayed & neutered for free.  Having my cat in heat is a burden to me too.   At that point can I go into a Jewish deli & complain to congress that I couldn't get a pork hot dog or 3 pounds of ham?  Why not - It is something I want & I am not being accommodated.  We live in a me me me society where it is easier to blame our problems on somebody/something else than take responsibility for our own actions.

So in the end - I am still out $1900 for 1 tooth and have another 2k looming to fix 3 more.  I subsided on the free drinks at work and no food  for a week so that I could afford minutes on my phone and still no birth control for this month.  The point is - I gave things up to cover MY responsibilities & didn't have anyone bailing out my sex life and neither should she.



A letter to me

If you could go back into the past and change things, would you?  A lot of who I am today is comprised of all the stupid stuff I did back in the day.  I guess this is falling on me because of stupid old Fred who has officially been abolished from my life.  So while I will spare you another Brad Paisley video (I do love him so), here is a letter to the young me from the present me. 

Dear Me,

It's me.  If you don't believe it's me, then I can tell you that I inserted my half of my BEST FRIENDS FOREVER charm in a rotting banana after a huge fight with my best friend.  Only you and your best friend would know that which proves it is me.  Despite this incident - you two are still friends - but you know this already. You are in your 20's and think you are infallible.  You are not. I offer you some advice that you will not listen to because you are stubborn & never listen to anyone including yourself, but nonetheless here goes! 

When your boyfriend tells you he doesn't want you hanging with the guys who live up the street; heed his disdain.  Otherwise, one of their friends will call you a bimbo, you will get offended & proceed to drink him under the table before you even hit the bar.  You will drink 1 too many Purple Hooters because it is the bartender's specialty & he has a crush on you.  You will get into a fight in the bathroom & that will be the last thing you remember because you will black out & fall face first down a concrete flight of steps which will cause you to break your tooth. You will wake up in the ER very confused and later Rubgy Keith will tell you he was at the bar that night & OMG that was you? On the plus side - 2012 will be the year you finally get that tooth fixed.

When you try acid for the first (and only) time - do not lock the bathroom door.  You will be stuck in the there for a half an hour because you think the door knob melted off & your room-mates can't get to you because the door is locked, You will argue with them that there is no door knob the entire time.

Sleeping with half the UC Rugby team may not be your smartest move even though it does allow you plenty of free drinks.  You and rugby Keith will never actually become an item because when he finally professes his love for you, you will be involved with Ben.  Maybe you should rethink it when Ben tells you he will never love you & you should get back with Keith.  Now both Ben & Keith are happily married (well Ben is at least) and you aren't.

Speaking of Ben - do not ask to be his date for his room-mates wedding & DO NOT get back together with him for this occasion.  You will fight at the reception, you will break up again a few months later & incidentally - he meets his future wife that night & it ain't you toots!

When you see the guy that works at Hot Topic at the club - steer clear.  I don't care how awesome you think the Winnie the Pooh shirt is - STEER CLEAR.  He isn't worth the mangling of your heart then or now.

When the guy you have been in love with since grade 6 finally asks you to be his girlfriend at the tender age of 22, don't hop into bed with the guy you had been crushing on since 9th grade 5 minutes after you accept 6th grade guy's request.  Yes you were very drunk, but it isn't worth it in the end.  6th grade guy will not speak to you for a very long time & oh yeah - he is happily married to someone else too!

Finally - don't burn bridges.  Yes you are a cyclone and in the end you are a very lucky girl because everyone forgives you.  Your friends are the most important thing you have & you need to respect that.  You will need their support more than ever when you are 41 & in the midst of a divorce.  I won't tell you to avoid that guy though because your future son is the most amazing thing you will ever have in your life!

Love,

Me

PS - don't be such a slut lol although at 41 you will wish you still had that swagger - so forget that piece of advice.  Being young & dumb is what your 20's are all about.

So Much Cooler Online

 Brad Paisley summed it up best in this video.

I was almost duped this week and am really about to mark the end of my online dating experiment. Other than some interesting blog posts - it has failed me miserably.

I was emailing a guy back in forth with model good looks (well at least from his picture).  He veered back and forth from exceptionally knowledgeable - as he should with a Master's Degree - to piggishly male - but it is the internet after all.  He consistently used you're properly and could actually spell (a rare thing online).  We discussed literature and the like - so I deemed that maybe we could meet.  We were going to meet up on Wednesday, but an evening with my son was more important to me so I cancelled.  Little did I know what a blessing that would turn out to be.

I had looked at his picture a few times, but decided to really give it a look because something wasn't adding up in my brain.  I noticed a lot of background blur in the photo which was suspicious because most guys have point & shoot or camera phone pictures posted or have a disclaimer of "one of my modeling shots".  Then I looked at his head & noticed that it was very nicely back lit.  My ex is into Photography & is studying it in school.  I have watched numerous shoot, posed in numerous shoots and critiqued more photos than any person I know that isn't getting paid to do so.  My online lothario posted a bogus picture of a model that wasn't him!  I called him on it asking him to take a picture with his cell & send it to me.  He then he had to admit that the picture he posted wasn't him.  He ended up deleting the whole profile & came back 6 hours later with a new profile and a picture which was NOTHING like Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch. No Masters Degree (HS Diploma), average build my ass - that was a few extra pounds if I have ever seen it and NOT at all attractive. The beautiful part is that he tried to play it off like he had never talked to me before & that I was crazy for telling him to take a flying leap.

The lessons to be learned here are twofold

1. If you are going to post a picture - make sure it isn't phony or you may be undone by a photographic eye.
2. If it seems to good to be true - it usually is.

I don't think there is a GPS app for this.

I am going to be honest - the guy in Arizona has knocked me on my ass.  I have tried in figure out a way to find him which is a difficult task when you don't know someone's last name.  I private messaged the bartender on Facebook, I tried to look up his NPI, I called a few optometry shops  and all have led me nowhere.  I even had a stroke of what I thought to be genius - try to find his friend.  I mean how hard could it be to find a chemistry teacher named Matt in Yuma - apparently a lot harder than I thought because that led me nowhere too.  I even tossed around the idea of somehow going back there for a weekend.  With no car or credit card though - that too is almost an impossibility.  Besides - I think that would be an all time low of pathetic because with my luck - he would show up with his newly minted girlfriend & I'm out half a months rent.

Why am I going to such extremes?  Because my pathetic little brain isn't hard wired to accept "Wow, I met a nice guy, had a great time, so what's next?".  I have spent the greater part of my adult life believing  "everything happens for a reason" and justifying it with the positive outcome I conclude.  Perhaps it is just a survival function to get me through the drama in my life. The problem is - no matter which way I spin this - I can't justify it.  Why?  Why would I meet someone whom I shared so much in common with? Why would I meet him somewhere where I will never go back to & never see again? Why is he so hard to find?  Why can't I just accept that it is what is and move on? That I am not Cinderella & he isn't going to bring that damn glass slipper? All I know is that I can never again believe things happen for a reason. 

I have friends telling me the reason I  feel this way because it was positive attention and I am suffering divorce stress.  That is it perfectly natural to feel like I am going crazy and feel as though any minute I am going to crack.  That I haven't been destroyed despite feeling like an empty shell and with no way to fill the void.  I am being told I need to be alone and to find myself.

All I want to do is curl up and not leave my bed.  I don't want to deal with people, places or things.  I am functioning on autopilot because I have no choice in the matter.  I want to call Fred because I know he could relate, but I'm NOT going down that path AGAIN.  Besides - he is another damn thing I can't justify.  Perhaps I am lost.

The question is - where do you look when you need to find yourself? 

Really? Here? REALLY?

Apparently my swagger ran to Yuma Arizona and decided to hang out with all the snowbirds.  It presented itself after 2 glasses of chocovine, 1 margarita and I lost count of how many glasses of Chablis. Karaoke at a dive bar and a chance meeting a man I will never meet again. I mean it is 2:57 am in AZ & well I am still waiting for that burrito he and his buddy promised to bring back.

He was 31, an optometrist and big word smart - you know how hot I find that. He told me the longest word and yeah I forgot it already. He embraced my geekiness. He used to play WoW and we shared a love of Star Wars and sports. We talked about Paris in May except I don't have a passport. He could intellectually spar with me and refused to kiss me because we were both drunk and didn't want me to feel taken advantage of. He was impressed my my fountain of useless knowledge brain and my ability to name a song for almost anything that presented itself.

I will never see him again. So figures. But hey - he had a date earlier that evening that he ended early with a hot ballerina. After asking him why was he telling me about a hot ballarina with a smoking body when I was not on par with that - he told me I was hotter because I had the brains.

Yup - in one week - I lost an imaginary boyfriend (who did resurface but isn't doing much to earn a blog retraction) and let an eye doctor slip through my fingers (I wear glasses - he would have been a hot commodity for me). Most people would call that failure. Not me. Watch out world - Kathy has her swagger back - unless like  the rest of the snowbirds- it decides Yuma is a great winter retirement community!!!

PS - if my swagger does stay - I hope it doesn't get hungry for barbecue after 7 pm on Saturdays!

Cue Freddie Mercury - Another One Bites the Dust

The thing about me (which is kind of why I started this blog) is that things present themselves to me that don't present themselves to most regular people.  I guess that is why I found myself recently caught in a text message romance (and yes I do have Lady Gaga's Bad Romance singing in my head - only the Chipettes are singing it.....that's a facebook posting for another time).

Now I will be the first to admit that a lot of this stems from a massive need for my ego to be fed. Many years of insults and lack of affection can drive a gal to that.  I mean who doesn't want to hear positive things about oneself in areas where one is the most self critical? Well I eat it up like a starving puppy left out to fend for itself on a rainy night. I will fully admit  it - Pa-thet-ic (again the OC over annunciation).

This guy was VERY cute.  Yes I know you men hate to be called that - but sorry - he was.  After sending the picture to my friend - even she was surprised how cute he was.  I am talking way out of my league - what could this guy possibly want with me besides sex kind of cute.  (I really try not to question these things, but experience has sadly taught me to do so).  He claimed that he wasn't looking for sex & rather preferred to get to know the person before getting into bed with them. (REALLY? ok he has my attention now)  He claimed he loved my personality and my sense of humor. (Well - how could he not?) When presented with a picture of me in a shirt that Belinda & Belilse were fighting each other to fall out of (I didn't realize the shirt was that low cut until I sent it in my defense) - he said it was sexy.  When I told him I was too lazy to change out of the top for work - so I put on a tank top under it - he said he thought it would be cute.  When I said it was covering his favorite part - he told me my face was his favorite part.  When I told him nice save - he told me he was serious and that he loved my face.  Readers - I swore at that moment I found my Patti Stanger match made in heaven. Angels played their cornation trumpets, birds were chirping and I suddenly found myself enjoying love songs. (thank god THAT is over).  Then it started to shift.  He stopped texting me first.  I let it slide for a bit because he had been so good about it.  Then he stopped responding as frequently.  I was told he was working crazy hours, but loved reading my texts on his breaks.  That bought him a couple of days.  Then he got sick and that was his reason for not responding.  When he was better - it was back to me sending the 1st message - 2 lines of exchange & no response the rest of the day.  When I finally posed the question is this even really worth pursuing due to crazy schedules (and of  all the excuses which i didn't text) - I got silence for a response.  Well babycakes - 2 can play at that game!

There were multiple attempts to actually get together so that our "imaginary" relationship could transgress into a real one.  Each attempt failed.  Either I was with my son, he was working late or he decided the gym was more desire able than fighting 3 separate freeways of traffic to get to me.  I don't know the reason why this started so positive and ended so empty and I doubt I will ever know.  In 3 days - he number gets deleted as I am sure that I will not hear from him by then & usually my limit for silence.  (yes I know I still haven't deleted Fred out yet and I haven't heard from him since December......).  His loss really (well that's what I keep telling myself)

Lesson learned my pretties - If it seems to good to be true - it usually is.  Just don't be mad the next time I question what the F Mr. Hottie wants with me - this ain't this cowgirls first rodeo.

Freedom yes, but at what cost?

I am learning that my new found freedom is coming at a very hefty price.  My poor life choices have my son with his dad instead of me.  I don't have a car so I have no way to come get him and drop him off or take him places short of the bus.  I live in a house that isn't really kid centered even though my housemates are more than accommodating on having him over.  I can barely support myself, so overall I am ok with him living with his dad.  His needs are well met, he is thriving in school and he is healthy and happy.  This however translates into me missing out on so much of him growing up.

Now, unlike most separations - I have pretty much open access to him as my time allows provided the ex and I are getting along.  Despite this - I discovered this weekend just how much I am missing. I am really not sure how long it has been since I have taken him to the park.  I would have to guess a good four months or so.  All I know is the last time we went - he couldn't traverse the monkey bars and was terrified to cross the wavy horizontal ladder.  This weekend he crossed both like a total pro showing off for anyone who would watch.  This was not a feat he performed for the first time.  Apparently he has been doing this for months now and it is something his dad witnesses frequently.  It really got me thinking about all the other things I am missing out on.  I don't know his friends from school, but they crowd his dad like a rockstar when he picks G up afterschool.  I don't know his friend's parents, but they all make small talk in the morning with his dad. I miss the school functions because I am the one who works full time. Every time I see G, his hair is a little bit longer, he seems a little bit taller and his 5 year old sense of humor more developed.  He and his dad have routines set up and when I visit - I always feel like I am a disruption because - well I am.  My son wants me and gets in trouble when he tries to get his way by coming to me first.

Even though we were separated - I spent pretty much October - to the 1st of January with them spending the night and helping out with G as his dad got overwhelmed with school.  G really got used to me being there and somehow I end up there for the entire weekends still.  Yesterday after a fight with his dad - I was kicked out the door.  After a 45 minute walk home - I got a text message informing me that he would be dropping G off at my place and there was no room for argument.  So G and I spent a great afternoon free of the ex - until it was time to go.  Tears streamed down that beautiful face of his begging me to come home with him.  Telling me he could make it all better between his dad and me.  Telling me if I tried one more time and listened to what daddy told me to do - it would work and we could be a family again.  I have never been more heart broken in my life as I tried to explain why it wouldn't work which just made him cry harder. These are not the 1st tears he has cried over us parting.  They usually flow when I have to say goodbye after a visit.  Yesterday's though seemed the most poignant and I am still choking up while typing this.

I can deal with his dad calling me names and making me feel worthless.  I can deal with the fights getting worse as I feel like I should have more freedom and he should have less control over me.  I can even deal with the extremes he goes to when trying to prove points dealing with the previous sentence.  What I cannot deal with is knowing the my son is in tears because I am not there with him every day and it is his dad that has to make it all better. I can't go back though.  I won't go back.  Nevermind the fact that the papers have been filed - I can't go back to that environment.  Even if I am able to hold this job and pull my fair share - I can't do it.  I just wish my beautiful boy was old enough to understand this.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

In high school I was jokingly referred to as "the Virgin Kathy Hicks".  I was sweet 16 and never been kissed.  I did finally lose my v at 18 and never looked back.  It was like I was making for lost time.  My laundry list is longer than most people I know.  Granted - it is not rockstar/athlete high - but it is a lot more than most people would think is reasonable or acceptable for a woman.  Sometimes it was because I was so insecure. Giving my body up was the only way I could achieve personal intimacy even if it only lasted that night. Mostly it was because I was young and it was there.

Why am I telling you this?  It occurs to me that after 13 years with the same man that I am going to eventually have sex with someone else.  I will be honest - despite all the sex I have had -  this scares the hell out of me.  Why?  Because well I have been with the same man for 13 years.  We never had a great sexual relationship, but we knew what each other liked, we knew how to make it work & well - when I wanted it to be over - I knew the trick to finish it with a hot quickness.  I am not looking forward to fumbling around trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with someone k\new.

I feel like I am plotting uncharted territory.  Having the body issues that I do, I am scared to actually have to get naked in front of somebody again.  I don't even know if I remember what foreplay is or what I am actually supposed to do.  I have been told to just have a fling to get myself over this predicament.  You know what - I can't do it.  For the slut I used to be - I now want to respected for me before I introduce someone to Belinda, Belilse & Sheila  (what - you don't name your boobs & vagina?  Well you should!). 

Maybe my loss of swagger is tied to my lack of sex? I have never felt so at a loss about something I know how to do & used to do well.  Any recommendations or suggestions would be gladly accepted.  Sometimes I wish this single thing was easier,

So far - so - yeah we really don't need to go there

See....4 days into the New Year & my resolutions have gone kaput.  Now I really did think I would be back at my own place by now, but a jacked up knee is kind of preventing that 2.7 mile bike ride home.  I am not saying I won't give it a few more tries though.  I am famous for doing the same thing over & over expecting different results.

I did drink 3 glasses of water today though. Granted they were flavored with Mio, but it was still zero calories.  I have not really been able to resist the sweets in the kitchen though.  It has been a very stressful start to my new year. Did I tell you I am officially 6 months away from being really single instead of pretending?

I am still trying to fight my inner demons.  I also am dealing with the fact that I am as shallow as a infant sized bath tub. Cute guy with commonality - but he is a big boy. I am trying to convince myself I can go for it.  Not working.  (Hello Kettle - this is Pot - your black)(BEST line from Friends ever).  No, I am choosing to spin my wheels over the guy who swears he loves my personality and that is all that matters.  Yes I do know it won't go past date one.  Damnit - I even broke the resolution is print!  Of course he will love me.  Ocho Cinco told me I was pretty enough, smart enough & gosh darnit people want to F me and to tell myself that in the mirror until I believe it.  Yes - he did too tell me that - he told all his tweet followers that.

I am proud to say though - that I have yet to bring Fred back from my proverbial dead.  Then again - I doubt he knows I killed him off.  No well wishes for Christmas or New Years from him and I am STILL waiting for my birthday polar bear he bought me 2 months after the fact.  Like Hilary Duff said "So Yesterday, So Yesterday, Don't worry about me, I'm gonna be OK".  Yes I am quoting Disney pop princesses - sue me - I am the world coolest Radio Disney mom!

New Years Eve

My roots will be done and my hair will shimmer a fab honey blonde, but I will lament is isn't the butter blonde I dream of being.  It will be wavy, but not frizzy.  I will have defurred the pits, legs and Sheila, but will lament that the 70's bush look hasn't taken favor back and will inevitably burn myself with too much Nair.  I will smell of cocoa butter and my skin will have a soft sheen to it.  My toes and fingers will be painted a luminescent shade of pink grey ala 1988 where in the light it is pink and outside the light it is grey.  I will be look fab.  I will be fab.

Too bad I will be with the ex playing World of Warcraft until 12:01 when I log out and prompty pass out from spending the last day of 2011 with Gman.  Sadly there is no NYE date to either blast on here, or dance around my room holding my pillow when I got home (no I really wouldn't do the latter).

So here's to 2012.  May it be filled with joy, wonder, splendor, prosperity, lots of rest and in my case a few dates just to keep this blog fresh and exciting.

Happy New Years!

And One More Thing.........

Men - some times you really piss me off.

I am so tired of hearing close to 40 year old men saying "I want a woman without baggage" or "Women my age have too much baggage" or my favorite "I want a woman with no drama"

This may cost me my estrogen card - but I am going to let you fellows in on a few trade secrets and probably be too blunt which is the truer form of Kathy.

ALL WOMEN HAVE BAGGAGE and THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DRAMA FREE

There are very few women out there who are my age and by CHOICE are single, no kids, never married, great career & happy with where they are in life.  I am not saying they are not out there....I even know one or two - but they are few and far between.  We get married thinking til death do us part (by we - I mean the non-Kardashian, Elizabeth Taylor, Britney Spears types).  We expand our family by choice and sometimes by "Uh honey....the stick turned positive - hold on I need to puke again".  Most of us work full time and/or go to school in addition to maintaining a household, mothering the kidlets & wifing the husband.  Some of us stay at home - giving up our careers to raise the spawn of your seed and we do so because we love our family or it is more cost effective.  (Daycare in OC is almost as expensive as college tuition).  This is not meant to take away what you do as the male in the household.

• Few of us have the end intention of being a single 40 something divorcee who now has to do all of the above alone. 
• Few of us are prepared to have to date again after many years in the comfort of monogamy. 
• Few of us are blessed with becoming better looking as we age - unlike a lot of men.
• Few of us are prepared to be judged on a first date because we have a beautiful child or children who makes our world spin, that our time is limited because of said kidlet(s), job, school etc.  That we can't drop everything at the spur of the moment for a drunken weekend in Vegas or to go skiing in Big Bear.  That we had to cancel last minute because kidlet is crying for mommy and even though you FINALLY got to go home for the 1st time in 3 weeks - you have to trek back over because the best thing for a fever after motrin is mommy putting you back to sleep at 2 am. 
• Sorry, but there is always going to be the ex somewhere in the background since he is baby daddy.

As women we will always have some sort of drama.  Even if you do find the kid & ex free variety - they still have Aunt Flo to deal with and that inherently makes us drama.  I'll trade you a day of cramps, bloating and is it Tampax or Kotex kind of day for a day of morning wood & the decision of ribbed for her pleasure vs. ultra thin for his anytime.  I'll trade you a day of estrogen mood swings for a day of testosterone induced maleness.  Estrogen makes us crazy.  Deal with it. This is the same estrogen that you love when our boobs get bigger and our needs become insatiable right before the week you become reacquainted with your hand (unless you are one of the ones who don't mind a little red lube so to speak).

I may be a drama mama and have some Samsonite of my own....but you will never have a 20 year old with my prowess or mind!

One more thing.....if you are such a great catch with no baggage...why are you still single?

The 3 H Club

My problem with resolutions is that I have no resolve. I am a live and die by the seat of my Target jeans kind of girl.  Oh I have the best intentions and very well may follow through for a week. They say it takes three weeks to turn something into a habit - I have yet to make it three weeks on anything, 

2012 is going to be different (I hope) though. Almost a third of my life was spent in a relationship/marriage that will be dissolved next year.  It will be the 1st time in 11.5 years I was not married & 13 years that I wasn't single.  It will be the first time that I have nobody to fall back on & if I do fall - there will be nobody there to catch me.  So here is what I would like to accomplish for myself in 2012. I am going to resolve to absolve, evolve and find that damn swagger if it kills me!

I seek membership into the elusive 3 H Club.  Fortunately there is no livestock or growing of vegetation involved.  I'm not really good with plants or large animals.

Harmony:

Goodbye Earl - I mean Fred.  (No I am not wrapping him in a tarp & dumping him at the bottom of the lake - although I guess metaphorically I am).  I have spent the last 5 months chasing my tail over him.  I do love him dearly & deep down I know that he is who I could be happy with.  The problem is that love is a two way street and I think I should have turned left at Albuquerque. He has his life and his demons to contend with and I cannot penetrate that wall no matter how hard I bang my head against it.  I am sure he has some sort of feelings for me, but if he  won't/can't tell me - then I will move on. 2012 will be the year of no more unrequited love.  No more tail wagging the dog, I am going to wag my tail like nobody has ever seen.  I mean I may as well make good use of that shelf booty right?

Health:

I shall seek health.  I will rediscover my love affair with my bike - even if it means rides at dark when there is less traffic and cooler air.  I will rediscover my hate for Jillian Michaels even if it means sweating & a shower before bed.  I will reduce the caloric intake and increase the healthy stuff.  Who knows - maybe the fat girl 2 piece will become the fab girl 2 piece. My skinny jeans shall not be an oxymoron & when my room-mate gives me clothes - they will fit as opposed to only being able to zip the very cute skirt half way.

Happiness:

This will be the hardest to attain, but I am certain it will be the most fulfilling. I will learn to love myself and see the good in me that I always seem to turn a blind eye to.  I will learn to value myself and purge the not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough demons. This will come while seeking harmony and health.  I am going to take classes in the summer that interest me - not just fulfill what I need for my degree.  Since I hope to have a car, I will continue pursuing that paralegal certificate that I started 9 years ago (that had nothing to do with resolve & everything to do with finances).  I won't lie - I hope to be in a HEALTHY HAPPY relationship, but I shall not seek it. I will let it find me.

On a side note, I will also continue my pursuit of the frivolous. I shall embrace that I am a geek - love me - love my WoW warlock (yes I gave in and started playing again).  I shall continue trying to find that perfect shade of lip gloss, nail polish and making my hair as fab as possible.  After all  - the path to 2012 starts with baby steps and I hope will end with full blown strides!

I can handle the truth - the dare maybe not so much!

I have been told in the past my follies are very Sex in the Cityish.  Now I really think nothing could be further than the truth.  I mean the only thing I really have in common with Carrie Bradshaw is frizzy curly blonde hair & we both have no car. My clothes are from Target, my shoes from Payless and sadly I don't get paid for my writing. My Mr. Big is more like Mr. Big Boy.

I have only seen this show maybe three times and the episode that comes to mind is where Miranda needed self validation and answered an ad for a threesome.  NO I DID NOT DO SUCH A THING.....but that doesn't mean such a thing hasn't found it's way to me.  GOD I love online dating!

Now I should have known this was too good to be true.  It is rare that a cute guy who seems to have any sort of substance ever talks to me.  This guy was attractive, well spoken, used you're correctly (good grammar is SO sexy in my opinion), great taste in music and got my sarcastic sense of humor.  We had been discussing truth or dare and how exactly the dare part works online. He said he had a dare for me & it took 3 days of banter to get it out of him.

Turns out the cute girl in one of his pictures is his wife (of course he is married - I told you it was too good to be true).  Turns out they want a cool, sexy, witty, well read (I did just finish The Age of Innocence for the 6th time and am rereading Jayne Eyre) and smart (why yes - that IS me) to hang out with, watch movies with & play an ADULT version of truth or dare with and just follow where the game leads. Turns out - they want me.  I suppose I should be grateful - Adult Twister would just be awkward.

Really I swear these things ONLY happen to me.  They did try to sweeten the deal with an offer of pancakes and bacon in the morning though.  If the bacon is crispy....it is ALMOST worth considering.  I can't tell you the last time I had a pancake breakfast that I didn't have to make.