The Hardest Choice Ever

This weekend I was faced with a suggestion that I never thought I would have to ponder.  It was suggested that perhaps I should get back together with my ex husband.

This is a man who I have shared my ups and downs with.  Who no matter what or how bad I screwed something up was usually there to pick me up when I fell.  The person who knows me better than I know myself including when my time of the month is near even though he hasn't seen me in weeks.  The father of my child.  My family.

This was something to seriously ponder and quite frankly should have been a no brainer.  

Except....

I am seeing someone else and have been for about a month now.  Now this current relationship isn't serious yet.  Not enough time has passed that if I ended it - either of us would be heartbroken (I think).  I really do like this new guy though, but then that's the thing....it's new.  He is many things that my ex husband isn't. Then that is part of the problem because my ex is also many things that he isn't.  

The ex is my safe choice.  He's my comfort.  He has been my rock.

I cried for two days.  I tried to push the new guy away in hopes it would clear my head.  Why wouldn't I jump at the chance to get my family back?

Because overall - people don't change.  I'm not talking my ex - I'm talking me.

The old me wouldn't have thought twice.  I would have made promises of change.  I would have tried to paint a spectacular portrait of what our new happy family would be.  I would have done so because it benefited me and never would have thought what it would do to anyone else.  Then I would fail. I always do.  I'm not being Debbie Downer - I am spouting a truth about myself.  I would get comfortable.  I would fall back in the old ways that led to a good portion of the demise of my marriage.  When I get comfortable; I get lax.  I stop doing the things I should  - for me, for him, in general. The truth is; I am set in my ways, I am stubborn as hell and I don't change.

I am also a pessimist.  There is a 50% chance it would work, but there is that 50% chance that I will screw it up and that is too high a risk to take.  I have a child who is no longer young enough that it would no longer affect him in the long term.  If it ended poorly - he would be devastated.  I can't do that to him

So I turned down the suggestion after much thought.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done because it will lead to end of my "family".  I will always have my son, but as time progresses - I will lose the ex. He will eventually move on and I can't begrudge him that - I have started to.  We will spend less time together because it isn't really normal for two people who aren't together anymore to spend as much time as we used to.  It isn't healthy for any of us.  

Even though the devil you know is better than the devil you don't; it's time to face my demons and move on. It is a decision I may seriously regret in the end.  I just can't be selfish anymore.