I Got Played

Seriously, the next time someone tells me to go for someone who so isn't my type - I am going to smile pretty and them promptly ignore them.  I don't care that I may get a free meal out of it!  I've gained 5 freaking pounds back.  My landlord, my trainer and even  my blonde haired angel said go for it. The redheaded devil said don't do it.  Now if that isn't a strange dichotomy - I don't know what it.  When is the devil ever the one to tell you no - well when it is one of your best friends who knows you better than anyone.

I learned a few valuable lessons though.

I learned that it is possible for me to date a nice guy without devouring him, spitting him out and then leaving his remains for the vultures. I guess I have grown a bit since my twenties,

I learned the "nice guy" isn't always so nice.

I learned that while I may be "grown up", I am not ready to date an adult

I learned I really wasn't being myself.

My gentlemanly scientist, who told me he didn't know what he wanted, that he needed to take it slow, and he needed space to do things solo was lying.  Turns out that there was someone else who was getting his weekend time, who he was taking places besides dinner and getting his "solo" time.  He didn't need to take it slow with her.  He sure seemed to know what he wanted with her and willing to spend all of his free time with her. When questioned about it, he told me I was making it sound a lot more serious than it was and I was reading way more into it.  It was very recent and not at all what I thought.  I bought it.  I was a fool. 

The following day, he told me he was on his way to San Diego.  Well that told me where she lived.  I went onto facebook to do some snooping and found her.  I didn't know it was her until I saw her cover photo of four feet in the sand and two of them were his.  That told me all I needed to know.  We had joked in the past how nothing was official until you change the facebook status and he informed me that wasn't something he was ready for.  Well after two weeks of dating her  "San Diego Toe Ring Trollop is now in a Relationship with Boot Camp Guy".  Then she updated a pic of the two of them at a museum.  

Just WOW. I guess what he meant to say  to me is - I don't want you, but you are good in bed, so I'll drag it out as long as I can.

I sent him a text message congratulating him and it was drizzled with sarcasm.  He replied "Thank you, it just felt right".  I told him I was being sarcastic and to keep the nail polish - it might accentuate her toe rings.  I then deleted his phone number and unfriended him.

Whatever.  I hope they are happy and her toe rings get caught in his back hair.

The more I think about it - I really wasn't being myself.  I was being quiet and meek and what I thought he needed and it was stifling.  I mean I am all that in the beginning, but once I know you - there is no shutting me up.  I wasn't like that with him.  I was conservative.  I had nothing to talk about.  Truthfully, I was bored.  He just gave me the attention I was craving and I let that cloud my judgement.  I thought if someone so accomplished could like me, then I must be moving on up.  I was wrong.  I wasn't motivated enough for him, my circumstances were too much for him to overcome and I'm not where most women my age should be.

You know what - too bad so sad.  It never would have worked.  He doesn't watch cartoons (Adventure Time anyone), he doesn't play my style of video games & sorry, but I LOVE Duck Dynasty even in reruns!

The man for me won't care that I couldn't to go to school this semester because I couldn't afford it.  That yes, I am presently a file clerk who makes under $30k a year in So Cal and lives in a house with many housemates. It beats being unemployed and living in a homeless shelter which is where I was 3 years ago. 

So it's back to square one.  The square that contains me getting back to me.  Because I am the ONE for me.

Miss Movin' On

Sure, I wrote a nice shiny post about how the rest of you should deal with breakups;  but we all know I never follow my own advice.  Nor do I find myself following anyone else's advice.  I did take a nap, a bath, binged on chocolate fro yo & gained back 4 pounds (well that isn't SOLELY from the fro yo).   I just can't move past it.  

I tried in vain to get him back, but it was fruitless because he was seeing somebody else.  Yes, I know there was no exclusivity, but it would have been nice to know.  He told me it had never come up.  Well I seem to recall me saying "I'm not seeing anybody else, and as far as I know - you haven't put yourself in a position where you are seeing anybody else, so if you don't know what you want - then where does that leave us?"  OK, in his defense that probably wasn't the best time to drop that particular bomb.

You know what it is...it IS my ego being sorely bruised. Not that I couldn't get him back, but I feel like everything he said was false.  "I don't know what I want, I don't want a relationship,  I need to take this slow."  Well it sure seemed like he knew what he wanted with the other chick.  Hell, she spent the weekend with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep on his ever so comfortable couch. If I got 3 hours with him on any given occasion - it was an accomplishment and every evening ended with me leaving.   I feel like I was the rebound.  That every baby step he took with me just empowered him for her.  That's what hurts. 

Then the self doubting sirens start singing their song.  Why WASN'T I good enough?   What did she have that I didn't?  When am I ever going to be the one that is worth it?  Well those are easy questions.  I wasn't the one for him.  She probably doesn't have kids and doesn't live near by which makes a true relationship easy to not have to deal with.  When I realize that I AM worth it and if they can't see it, then I shouldn't waste my time crying and binging because it's done.

For the first time since last week I have finally put mascara on because I know the tears have finally dried. So I don't need to text him anymore.  I don't need to psycho stalk his house.  I know when he is usually at the gym and can avoid him, but it sucks.  I feel like I should have listened to myself when I said he wasn't my type.  I shouldn't have listened when I was told by everyone except the redheaded devil to go out with him. Other than a few blog posts, I don't feel like I got a lot out of it except heartbreak, confusion and a crappy birthday week.  I must remind myself of my motto - Any experience - good or bad was worth it if you learned something from it. 

So Now What?

Congratulations.

You put yourself out there.  You dipped your toe into the dating pool and decided the water wasn't fine and you want to get out of it. That the comfort of your big fluffy towel was better than the comfort of his hairy back or her hairy - well nevermind.  Either way you've decided to end it.  Or maybe you are on the receiving end.  You thought you were happily floating in your pool and the next thing you know - the water drained out and you are you are sitting in a pool of wet soggy grass.

Here are a few pop culture tips for the socially awkward to help you through this troubled time.

• Let Er Rip

Seriously.  We're adults.  Just be honest.

• It's Not You - It's Me.

When they tell you it's isn't you - it's me - Listen to your Uncle SI

• "I'm sorry. You are so special and beautiful and BLAH BLAH BLAH"

For the love of monkeys - don't tell them how special they are when you are trying to break up.  If they were so freaking special - you wouldn't be ending it!  In the end - they just feel worse

• When All Else Fails

When it's over.  It's over.  Don't dwell.  Don't make yourself miserable.  Even if you were hormonal and psychotic - there was a reason it ended or you ended it..  It sucks.  It hurts.  It's everything wrapped up into a ball of popped bubble wrap. It's time to move on.

In other words.  Do something for you.  Something that makes you happy.  If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else ever will.

• Lastly ALWAYS remember this gem.

Because you are & you didn't need me to tell you that - but it is ALWAYS nice to hear!

Show Some Love!

Forbes Magazine is looking for Nominations for their 100 Best Blogs for Women.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/katetaylor/2013/08/07/nominate-your-picks-for-the-100-best-websites-for-women-2013/

What are you waiting for?  Go nominate your favorite trainwreck (that's me just in case it's too early or too late for you depending on your geographic location!)

Mad love to all my readers and on a serious note - I would be truly honored if you enjoy my blog enough to do so!

Super Secret Psycho Drive By Stalking

Once the hormonal banshee left my system - I realized that I might have been over impetuous or I just really hate being alone.  Either way I thought maybe I would try to get Boot Camp Guy back

Several unanswered texts called for desperate measures in my mind. My ego was on the line. We had a connection. Surely after a couple of days to think - he would come to his senses?  So before my party on Saturday - I decided I would go over to Boot Camp Guy's house and somehow try to retrieve what was lost.  There was a change in wardrobe plan only because I couldn't find a belt to match the ruby red shoes that would have made even Dorothy jealous. In the end I looked even better in the new outfit.  It was a surefire plan.  I had nothing to lose - it was already lost.

I however wasn't exactly prepared for what followed.  

I drove over to his house and as I got closer - I saw a car parked in front of the house - parked where I usually parked I might add.  He doesn't really live on a busy street, so there was no reason to believe he didn't have company.  I have done some dumb things in my life - but just knocking on his door would have been very dumb; so  I called him on the off chance that it wasn't parked there for him. He didn't answer. That is never a good sign and obviously I didn't leave a message.  I did a circle around and realized this car had a hibiscus sticker on the back window.  Cue the sinister music....he had another woman over!!!!!

And my heart fell. 

This is the guy who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Who needed space to do his own things SOLO.  Who thought it was better to cut it off before it got too serious even though he really liked me.  And now he is out with someone else - even worse - probably cooking her dinner.

Not one to ever leave well enough alone - I drove by again last night.  THE CAR WAS STILL THERE and this time they weren't home. I wanted to throw up.  I was never allowed to spend that much time with him at once. Now that I think about it - maybe this person was always in the background and that is why he limited his time with me.  Maybe he is reconciling with his wife? I don't know, but the more I think about it - the harder it is to breathe.  It can be a million things, but it's pretty clear to me - we aren't getting back together.

If it didn't work in my twenties, I'm not sure why I thought it would work in my forties.  The lesson is that  Super Secret Psycho Drive Bys cause nothing but woe and I'm not happy unless I am learning it the hard way.  It may also speak volumes why I'm still single ;)

UPDATE....Dateline August 12, 2013.  My suspicions were correct - HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.  I guess you can just call me Miss Movin' On (yes I blame my child's obsession with pop music for infiltrating my brain with such gems)

#BirthdayApocalypse

I don't know why it isn't trending, but it should be.  Then again maybe I am the only one having one.

I usually LIVE for my birthday.  Presents, sweets of some sorts, a rocking karaoke party.  Well two out of the three isn't bad.  What it boils down to it that no woman should EVER have to celebrate her birthday week with her hormonal Aunt Flo.  That bitch ruins everything!

Sunday 

Brunch with my son and his dad.  Sure there that looming "are we or aren't we getting back together" question that hung like a rain cloud over Charlie Brown's head, but it didn't dampen my day.  My son's best friend spilling his frozen yogurt all over himself and my cloth seats did, but that is another story.  Any time I get with my son is a good time.

Monday 

Aunt Flo was in full effect gnashing her terrible teeth and baring her terrible claws.I spent the day in turmoil and confusion over the whole are we or aren't we because I knew I had a decision to make.  I just didn't know which way to go.  So I did what any irrational hormonal female would do.  Binged on chocolate fro yo and start a fight with Boot Camp Guy.  He was the easiest part of the equation to rid from my brain.  I went to bed feeling like crap.

Tuesday 

I decided that I should not get back together with my son's dad.  It was a hard decision, but I made it and it was mostly final.  Then there was Boot Camp Guy to deal with.  He deserved an explanation as to why I was acting like a raving lunatic (well more so than usual).  So he made me a nice dinner and then we had a chat.  WOWEE it didn't go as expected.  I went in with the mindset that I know what his deal is, but I could wait him out.  I left in tears because somehow it ended.  I even gave back the present he gave me for my birthday.  I later regretted it only because he had given me a gift certificate to a fro yo place and well it has replaced my ice cream addiction.  In the end, he had too much on his plate there wasn't really room for me. My friends tell me it's either for the best, or I was totally irrational and an idiot for essentially ending it with Boot Camp Guy.  I now feel worse and more confused than before.  Why can't I ever just get a "wow that sucks, are you ok?"  If I can't get cupcakes for my birthday, then I should at least be allowed a small pity party.

Wednesday  

Yay - Happy Birthday - NOT.  I lost two guys in one day. Everything was just kind a random blur. Reeling from the idea that I was actually going to be alone on my birthday - I told my son's dad we should reopen discussions since Boot Camp Guy was sadly now out of the picture  I discovered my license was gone and this was needed or there was no free dinner at Benihana. I sent Boot Camp Guy a few wah wah wah texts which just made me feel worse when he responded because it made the end too real.  When I got to work my desk wasn't decorated because the secretary who does it is out for the week.  None of my secretaries even gave me so much as a card.  I did get a few things from a few other people which made me feel special because they were from people who usually don't get me anything.  I left work early and went home to scour for that damn license.  No dice.  It was gone baby gone.  So I spent 2.5 hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles to replace the damn thing.  I did get my dinner at Benihana which was one of two bright spots.  The other one was that I won the family Sorry game.  My son said he didn't want us to get back together which made the discussions interesting,

Thursday  

One slip of the lip and it nailed the coffin shut in the ex discussion.  So I spent all of Thursday feeling like crap because now I have no shot at my family, Boot Camp Guy seems to be history and I am alone.  

Friday.  

The dust is settling.  I get my son tonight and I shall not think about either the ex or Boot Camp Guy even though parts of me want both of them back.  

Saturday

This will be my karaoke birthday party and the only thing standing between me and a drunken stupor is the hunt for red patent leather heels.  I'm envisioning the naughty 1940's housewife look this year.  Elegant glamour with some rocking cleavage.  Don't forget the tiara.  I'm not exactly feeling warrior princess, but I am never one to shy away from the center of attention!

The Hardest Choice Ever

This weekend I was faced with a suggestion that I never thought I would have to ponder.  It was suggested that perhaps I should get back together with my ex husband.

This is a man who I have shared my ups and downs with.  Who no matter what or how bad I screwed something up was usually there to pick me up when I fell.  The person who knows me better than I know myself including when my time of the month is near even though he hasn't seen me in weeks.  The father of my child.  My family.

This was something to seriously ponder and quite frankly should have been a no brainer.  

Except....

I am seeing someone else and have been for about a month now.  Now this current relationship isn't serious yet.  Not enough time has passed that if I ended it - either of us would be heartbroken (I think).  I really do like this new guy though, but then that's the thing....it's new.  He is many things that my ex husband isn't. Then that is part of the problem because my ex is also many things that he isn't.  

The ex is my safe choice.  He's my comfort.  He has been my rock.

I cried for two days.  I tried to push the new guy away in hopes it would clear my head.  Why wouldn't I jump at the chance to get my family back?

Because overall - people don't change.  I'm not talking my ex - I'm talking me.

The old me wouldn't have thought twice.  I would have made promises of change.  I would have tried to paint a spectacular portrait of what our new happy family would be.  I would have done so because it benefited me and never would have thought what it would do to anyone else.  Then I would fail. I always do.  I'm not being Debbie Downer - I am spouting a truth about myself.  I would get comfortable.  I would fall back in the old ways that led to a good portion of the demise of my marriage.  When I get comfortable; I get lax.  I stop doing the things I should  - for me, for him, in general. The truth is; I am set in my ways, I am stubborn as hell and I don't change.

I am also a pessimist.  There is a 50% chance it would work, but there is that 50% chance that I will screw it up and that is too high a risk to take.  I have a child who is no longer young enough that it would no longer affect him in the long term.  If it ended poorly - he would be devastated.  I can't do that to him

So I turned down the suggestion after much thought.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done because it will lead to end of my "family".  I will always have my son, but as time progresses - I will lose the ex. He will eventually move on and I can't begrudge him that - I have started to.  We will spend less time together because it isn't really normal for two people who aren't together anymore to spend as much time as we used to.  It isn't healthy for any of us.  

Even though the devil you know is better than the devil you don't; it's time to face my demons and move on. It is a decision I may seriously regret in the end.  I just can't be selfish anymore. 

Midlife Bloggers Piece

Check out this original piece I wrote that was posted at www.Midlifebloggers.com.  Then show some love to some other very talented bloggers by visiting their sites too!

http://midlifebloggers.com/2013/08/05/the-midlife-search-for-love/#sthash.63j7SSY3.dpbs