Every month I tell myself "This is it girl, THIS is your month". Then some sort of catastrophic failure rears it's head and makes a liar out of me. I believe the problem was that I was swimming in a sea of negativity while trying to keep my head above water with positive arm floaties. The smartest decision I ever made was to go onto the anti-depressant. Now that I am about to start my third month on them - I have managed to cleanse those negative waters and swim freely in positivity. This is a strange concept for me and even stranger to my friends who expect Hurricane Kathy and instead get Summer Breeze Kathy. It's a beautiful thing. May into June 1 was a great month for me.
I have learned that I cannot let toxic people into my life no matter how much I care about them. I have a friend who I am just watching fall into a downward spiral and the thing is, I can't do anything for him. I know from my own experiences that until you are ready to get help or do something about it - there is nothing to be done. I used to gravitate to those types, thinking I could fix them. If I could focus on how messed up their lives were, I wouldn't have to focus on how messed up mine was. This time, I walked away. I pushed his advances towards me away. There was a time I really wanted to date him; but now I see the train wreck he is becoming and I don't need that. I have finally emerged from my own trainwreck and left it there to smoulder on the tracks.
As previously written in I Just Hope I Keep the Donkey Booty, I have been going to gym rather religiously. About five times a week to be exact (until I was sidelined by throwing my back out during a bootcamp workout - but even then I still managed to go four times). I hired a personal trainer and the results are noticeable. My legs look awesome. When I look down, I see my toes and not my stomach. My posture is straighter. After 30 days of all that work - I had officially lost five and a half pounds. That is right on track to where I am supposed to be. Weekends I find are the hardest, because I have less structure and always find myself hungrier, but I am doing the best that I can. Sadly, I have to break up with my trainer because I can no longer afford it because......
I FINALLY BOUGHT A CAR!!!! After 2 years of not having one, I bought one on the two year anniversary of being on my own. It's an older model and the body has flaws, but it runs well and IT'S MINE. No more standing at bus-stops with foul mouthed homeless people who are not trying to get on any buses. No more getting up super early to make sure I am on the bus on time. No more relying on the ex to borrow the van if he deems me worthy. I have the freedom to go where I want and that too it a beautiful thing.
Lastly, the best thing that has happened in the past thirty days was meeting a truly amazing guy. A guy who has goals, plans for his future and grounded in his here and now. Someone who is interested in more than just sex and who actually gets my quirky sense of humor. It has been so long since I have been anywhere close to being on the same page with a member of the opposite sex. I want to say that this must be what a mature (read grownup - ack) relationship must be like. It's still in the infancy stages though and we are taking it slow. I am doing everything in my power NOT to freak out or obsess or any of those other things that the Kathy of old would do. My redheaded devil is a little freaked out about just how calm I am being over this. Nothing like the manicness I displayed over the hot room-mate. There is no point to it. It will play out the way it was meant to be and obsessing will do nothing to change the outcome.
I won't say June is going to be a great month, why jinx it? I shall just continue to go with my flow. As long as I stay positive, then positive things will come my way. After all, as my new motto states "You just can't contain this type of FABULOSITY!"
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