I have really made no secret about my mental health and stability. This has been a particularly stressful month for me and it's sobering when you are told by your child that you make him nervous because he is afraid of how you will react to any situation. So at my last doctor's appointment it was recommended that I perhaps go onto an anti-depressant. This is a proposition that made me a little nervous. I was put on Prozac after the birth of my son and the hardest part was dealing with the clarity. I am not a positive person; in fact I am usually waiting for the other shoe to drop. So when I would wake up and not be filled with the normal dread of the day - it was really hard to deal with. I eventually just stopped taking it. I went on it again a few years later, but couldn't deal with the lethargy. So I really had to consider whether this is something that I wanted to do. I decided for my sanity's sake that this is something I should probably do. When even my most patient best friend was at her wits end with me - it was sort of a no brainer.
So I found myself fighting with the ex like I never had. I found myself trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my housemate. I found myself just trying to figure out what was going on with me. So one tiny pink pill went down the hatch and oh boy. I took the first one at 7 pm. By 10:00 I was out cold. I slept straight through until my alarm. This is saying a lot. My bedroom is in the front of the house and my window in very near the front door. There is an alarm that goes off every time it is opened announcing FRONT DOOR. Said door also has a coiled reindeer on the knob that the dog loves. So every time the door opens not only does the alarm make it's announcement, the reindeer makes this obnoxious sproingy sound. Couple that with the fact that there is also a wrought iron gate right outside my window that leads to the front door. So when someone comes home there is the clang of the gate, the alarm announcement and the sproingy reindeer and the equals to rarely a good night sleep. Especially since one housemate smokes outside the gate and another one is a cab driver who comes and goes at all hours. I was totally zonked. This lethargy lasted through Sunday. This may or may not have worked in the favor of the housemate.
I love this quote from Hannah on Girls “I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.” Prior to Saturday - I really thought that is what I wanted. Prior to Saturday this is what I had. A hot guy to snuggle up to without the complications of a relationship. Saturday night I was still in my Celexa fog. He came in, we talked a little and I broke the rules. I kissed him I couldn't help it. He smelled so good. His voice was soothing, He left and I texted him to not come back, I simply wasn't in a good headspace. He did any way. He pulled me in close and fell asleep and I just went with it. I couldn't sleep though. In fact I was up most of the night. I realized this isn't what I wanted. I was finally able to sleep once I pulled myself away from his grip. Morning came and I told him I was too hot, I didn't feel good and he needed to leave. He got up and said "Thank you for being you. You make me a better person." I told him to shut up and no I didn't. He said I did and left. 10 minutes later he walks back in and tells me he lost his phone and tried to kiss me. I told him I needed space and would call his phone to help him find it. I did, he did and then calls to tell me he found it and told me he loved me. WHAT? OK I was not ready for that. Ugh, My head hurt, I was foggy and that wasn't what I needed. A few minutes later I get a text telling me that he needs me. This is the same guy who told me the night before he didn't want to date anyone. 10 minutes later he walks into my room again and was received by a very stern "What the hell, do you never knock?" I told him I needed to process this and it wasn't a good time and he said there was nothing to process. Right now I was the one whose company he preferred and couldn't he just hold me? Everything would be ok, just lay down and stop over processing. OBVIOUSLY he doesn't know me - that is something I can't do. So I am laying there. Trapped, confused and hallelujah my son called. Saved by the cell.
I had my escape finally. As we left, I reiterated I didn't understand this. I was confused. I mean this isn't nothing, but isn't something and I needed definition. He told me that it was something and that we needed to just figure out what that was. He kissed me and them lambasted me for turning away from immediately. He left and I really still had no idea what was going on. He sent me a few more text messages that were light hearted. I sent him one that said that I really liked him in a way neither of us were comfortable with and it scared me. He texted back that he really liked me to and he was also scared. Later he texted me asking when I was coming home. I informed him I wasn't going to be there tonight and just needed to process. He informed me there was nothing to process. We were just snuggle buddies. WHAT? This morning he loved me and needed me and now we are snuggle buddies? I thought about it and realized that I was no longer in my fog, My head was clear. I realized I didn't care. I sent him a text asking why he was paying for a dating site when he had a girl he was crazy about but too stubborn to admit and against my judgement was rather sweet on him. He tried to call and I didnt' take it. I didn't need to.
I have positive clarity for the first time in a long time. For the first time ever I am not scared of it. My life is my own. I don't need a guy who wants to pretend I'm a girlfriend at night, but doesn't want to have to be a boyfriend during the day. Who will take a girl out from the internet, but won't take me out? I thought I needed his validation because he told me I was pretty and smart and smelled good. I know this - I really don't need to hear it anymore. So my hot housemate can take all the time he needs to figure it all out and I'm ok that my bed is really too big for one person. For the first time ever - I am not afraid to be alone. I am actually looking forward to it and to discovering who I really am. I can take this time to figure out what I really want and when the time is right I will be able to find the right guy. Hot housemate probably isn't it.
Now I just need to tell him all this.....
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