I Guess This is Growing Up?

I was trapped on the toilet.  Even though we are divorced - the rules of privacy in his household don't really seem to apply.  So while I was trying to do my business - the ex barges in and starts discussing a picture I had shown him three days ago.  "I think what is most disturbing is really how she was dressed.  I mean she is really attractive and I know you say she is in really good shape, but why then does she look like she just stepped out of the Goodwill bargain bin?"  "I mean look at you.  It has taken some time, but you have finally figured out how to put yourself together.  Long gone are those hideous orange shorts and look your cell phone cover even matches your top".  Then I uttered five words I could never take back.  I wanted to run to a church and clean myself in holy water. I wanted to shower in the hottest water and scrub those words away.  I wanted to be anywhere except there with my shorts at my ankles and an ex husband blocking the door.

"That's because I grew up."

Oh my gawd.  Did those words REALLY just come out of my mouth?  I mentally recoiled and plugged my ears with my fingers and started chanting LALALALALALA.  The ex then responded with "You do realize you are la la laaing yourself right?"  It was a harsh reality check but perhaps there was a speck of truth to it. Just a speck mind you.

I mean let's really take a good look at this.  I am forty two years old.  I have been published on two Midlife blogging Site seen here and here.  I was asked to join the WHOA Network today.  I have an almost seven year old son who ages me daily.  I have more grey hair then I really want to talk about, but it is covered nicely with the buttery shades of blonde I keep it. Heck, I am even wearing a polka dotted dress and pearls today. All these signs point to GROWN UP. 

Then I look to my left and see the Chocolate Fudge Pop Tart that I was going to allow to be my indulgence today before I found out I was getting pizza for lunch.  I pay $15.00 a month to play World of Warcraft and lament that my very first character STILL hasn't level capped yet.  Even though it is used more now for Netflix, I do have a PS3 and for quite awhile Harry Potter was my digital boyfriend.  My son's birthday party is being held at a trampoline park this year because it was amazeball fun for me and when he suggested he have it a bounce house facility - his dad and I both shot that immediately.  He wouldn't have let us play in the bounce houses - at seven - that's really embarrassing for you.  I still paint my nails very immature colors (iridescent grey anyone?).  How can I possibly think I am grown up?

The truth of the matter is I guess I am an immature adult and I am OK with that.  It is probably a very good reason as to why I am still single, but most things your average adult does doesn't interest me.  Sure I think I would love to go to wine tastings, spend a weekend in the desert with a bunch of friends or chair the PTA - but none of that is me.  Underneath the well coiffed hair, the put together outfits and the mostly well pedicured toes (this is So Cal after all and a bad pedi is one of the seven deadly sins) I am still just the shy dork who would rather be holed up in her room avoiding society and playing my video games.

So I guess growing up inevitable.  It happens to the best of us.  It isn't the worst thing in the world right?  Maybe?  Yeah I am not buying that either.  Excuse me now, I am going to warm up that pop tart.  If I go for my run - I can burn it off later!

I Must Be a Glutton for Punishment

The ex and I got into a fight.  It's cool - we were more than due.  I had been there for a week straight as I was hiding out from my housemate who was probably oblivious to that fact.  I was sent home at 8:30 in the morning and I went straight back to bed.  I slept until 1:00 pm.  That was CRAZY.  I can't tell you the last time I slept like that which didn't involve me being sick. Having skipped breakfast and fairly certain I would skip dinner; I treated myself to an amazing cheeseburger and vanilla malt then watched Hope Spring because I love Tommy Lee Jones.  Oh yeah, I also had a date.  Believe me when I tell you - the cheeseburger was the highlight of the day.

I am trying to be more opening minded in dating adventures. I normally don't date outside my ethnicity.  Growing up in the Midwest; your exposure to other cultures was minimal save for the odd foreign exchange student who was cooler than you anyways. I just find myself more attracted to white men.  Sorry if that offends.  Code Name Hot Chocolate was Asian and the guy who is trying to test my cougar boundaries is Hispanic.  That is adventurous as I have been dating outside the average white guy.  So when a Persian attorney suggested we go out for a walk on the beach, I decided to go outside my comfort zone and go for it.  I mean at least we had the legal connection in common. I won't go into the fact that I am bit irked by the fact that Persia has been Iran since 1935, so he couldn't possibly be PERSIAN at the age of 40, but that is probably just ignorance on my American Caucasian part.  It was doomed from the start.

He was an hour late.  He said his dog threw up in the car.  My time is valuable (I had laundry that I was waiting to do - hello!).  Both scenarios were off putting.  He showed up in a BMW.  I HATE BMW drivers.  They all seem to have such a sense of entitlement even if it's a crappy 3 Series that is the laughing stock of the manufacturer.  He got out of his car to open my door and his moobs were bigger than mine.  This is saying a lot because I rock an awesome C cup.  Hot on me - not on him.  I was stuck though - so I figured I'd make the best of it and have come up with an excuse to end it early.  I then found out we were meeting one of his friends.  OK, so now I am dealing with a pukey dog, an unattractive, overweight, BMW driving, self entitled jerk who invites a friend on a date?  UGH.  He really was a jerk too outside the typical Beemer driver.  Road rage and total anger issues.  All he talked about was Persian this & Persian that, how crappy California was compared to Texas and then dared to insult my state of Ohio.  Yes it isn't as prestigious as California, but I was born and raised there you moron - show some respect.  After he and his friend argued about bathrooms, I told him I had just gotten a text from the ex and needed to go home to care for my son.  I couldn't have gotten out of the situation fast enough. 

So my plan for a great Sunday out to get my mind of the stupid housemate was a dismal failure yet again.  Why do I keep subjecting myself to this?  Oh yeah - because I write a blog about being single!  The night wasn't a total loss though - I did get my laundry done and there was a Duck Dynasty marathon on.  At least I fell asleep with a hot guy even if it was on the TV (Jase is Rednecklicious!)

Digging Myself Back Out of Yet Another Hole

Maybe as a woman, or maybe as woman writer - MAYBE I embellish my stories just a little bit.  Maybe to make them more interesting or make myself seem a tad greater than I may actually be. I mean who knew a personal catharsis would turn into something that was read by 400+ readers a month right?

So MAYBE when I said I was fine with just being friends with my housemate - maybe I embellished a wee bit?  Then again, it could have just taken a day or two to sink and for me to realize that it wasn't what I wanted. It really wasn't.   In thirty days time; he managed to navigate through my wall.  This is no easy task as it is high and wide.  I don't let people get close to me - it's a protection measure.  He was the first man in two years since the separation and subsequent divorce that I did allow to get close.  It took Man Whore about three months to get me out of my room and even be social if I wanted to put this into perspective. If I could jump into my hot tub time machine, I would go back and change last Sunday. It was all just too much for my chemically altered brain to take in that morning though and I couldn't handle it.  I should have just left well enough alone (which is something I just don't know how to do).  When I wasn't with him, I wanted to be.  All I could think about was kissing him  I was as pathetic as a school girl with a crush.

I thought things were going to be OK.  I texted him to tell him we were good and if it was meant to be, it still would be later as he has quite a few personal issues to sort out.  I saw him briefly the following day, said hi, hugged him goodbye and went about my evening.  The problem is he looked good and smelled amazing as he always does.  A few flirty texts later, he stopped texting back and I didn't hear from him for a few days.  When I finally did make it back home for a night, I sent him a text asking what he was up to and he replied with "Hi roomie, just prepping for tomorrow".  Hi roomie?  OUCH.  That was a very blatant "I have distanced myself from this completely".  I asked if he wanted to hang out and he told me no he was going to bed.  DOUBLE OUCH - dissed and lied to.  He NEVER goes to be before 11:00 pm.  EVER.  Roger Dodger - message received loud and clear.  I went to bed smarting, but not defeated.  My new found clarity wouldn't let me be defeated.  Never trust that though.  When you think it isn't going to get worse - it does.

I saw him Saturday and he didn't even look up or acknowledge me even though I was greeted by the owners of the house. Flash forward to last night.  My son is on spring break, so I have been spending a lot of time with him these past couple of days.  We swung by my house to get clothes for the follow day and saw that the housemates SUV was there.  Not a big deal - chances are he was in his room and I wouldn't have to see him.  WRONG.  I walk in and he is in an embrace with a brunette in the dining room.  Gman and I made a beeline into my room.  I was flustered to say the least.  I tried to gather my clothes as fast as I could because I really didn't want to be there and felt sick to my stomach.  As we were leaving, he said hi and I managed to squeak out a overly sweet hello and we dashed out.  Of course being as flustered as I was, I realized that after we ran our errands and had to go back out again to return the Redbox rental that I had left my pants at home and had to go back. <FACEPALM>.  I told my son to go upstairs to his place and I trekked back to my place feeling nauseated to say the least.  When I got there, he was cooking her dinner and they were being all flirty. It was THEN I was finally defeated.  I deleted him and his bunny eared contact photo that I adored from my phone.  I had to because I was too tempted to send a text telling him not to come in HER eye as it would be bad form since she was playing with his phone.  Of course that would have made me look bad and well I do have more class than that.

That's OK though.  So what if she wasn't even pretty and he took NO time to move on?  It was something that was nothing right?  Well they say revenge is a dish best served cold.  I disagree.  I think it is a dish best served served hot - especially if the dish is a hot Latin 27 year old who I think may finally get his chance.  Petty?  Yes.  Yes it is, but all is fair in love and housemate war and I am far to good of a catch to allow myself to be defeated!  So stay tuned to see if I actually cross the cougar line!

The Fog Has Lifted

I have really made no secret about my mental health and stability.  This has been a particularly stressful month for me and it's sobering when you are told by your child that you make him nervous because he is afraid of how you will react to any situation. So at my last doctor's appointment it was recommended that I perhaps go onto an anti-depressant.  This is a proposition that made me a little nervous.  I was put on Prozac after the birth of my son and the hardest part was dealing with the clarity.  I am not a positive person; in fact I am usually waiting for the other shoe to drop. So when I would wake up and not be filled with the normal dread of the day - it was really hard to deal with.  I eventually just stopped taking it.  I went on it again a few years later, but couldn't deal with the lethargy. So I really had to consider whether this is something that I wanted to do.  I decided for my sanity's sake that this is something I should probably do. When even my most patient best friend was at her wits end with me - it was sort of a no brainer.

So I found myself fighting with the ex like I never had.  I found myself trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my housemate.  I found myself just trying to figure out what was going on with me.  So one tiny pink pill went down the hatch and oh boy.  I took the first one at 7 pm.  By 10:00 I was out cold.  I slept straight through until my alarm.  This is saying a lot.  My bedroom is in the front of the house and my window in very near the front door.  There is an alarm that goes off every time it is opened announcing FRONT DOOR.  Said door also has a coiled reindeer on the knob that the dog loves.  So every time the door opens not only does the alarm make it's announcement, the reindeer makes this obnoxious sproingy sound.  Couple that with the fact that there is also a wrought iron gate right outside my window that leads to the front door.  So when someone comes home there is the clang of the gate, the alarm announcement and the sproingy reindeer and the equals to rarely a good night sleep.  Especially since one housemate smokes outside the gate and another one is a cab driver who comes and goes at all hours.  I was totally zonked.  This lethargy lasted through Sunday.  This may or may not have worked in the favor of the housemate.

I love this quote from Hannah on Girls  “I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.”  Prior to Saturday - I really thought that is what I wanted.  Prior to Saturday this is what I had.  A hot guy to snuggle up to without the complications of a relationship.  Saturday night I was still in my Celexa fog.  He came in, we talked a little and I broke the rules.  I kissed him  I couldn't help it. He smelled so good.  His voice was soothing,  He left and I texted him to not come back,  I simply wasn't in a good headspace.  He did any way. He pulled me in close and fell asleep and I just went with it.  I couldn't sleep though.  In fact I was up most of the night.  I realized this isn't what I wanted.  I was finally able to sleep once I pulled myself away from his grip.  Morning came and I told him I was too hot, I didn't feel good and he needed to leave.  He got up and said "Thank you for being you.  You make me a better person."  I told him to shut up and no I didn't.  He said I did and left.  10 minutes later he walks back in and tells me he lost his phone and tried to kiss me.  I told him I needed space and would call his phone to help him find it.  I did, he did and then calls to tell me he found it and told me he loved me.  WHAT?  OK I was not ready for that.  Ugh,  My head hurt, I was foggy and that wasn't what I needed. A few minutes later I get a text telling me that he needs me.   This is the same guy who told me the night before he didn't want to date anyone. 10 minutes later he walks into my room again and was received by a very stern "What the hell, do you never knock?"  I told him I needed to process this and it wasn't a good time and he said there was nothing to process.  Right now I was the one whose company he preferred and couldn't he just hold me?  Everything would be ok, just lay down and stop over processing.  OBVIOUSLY he doesn't know me - that is something I can't do.  So I am laying there.  Trapped, confused and hallelujah my son called.  Saved by the cell.

I had my escape finally.  As we left,  I reiterated I didn't understand this.  I was confused.  I mean this isn't nothing, but isn't something and I needed definition.  He told me that it was something and that we needed to just figure out what that was.  He kissed me and them lambasted me for turning away from immediately.  He left and I really still had no idea what was going on.  He sent me a few more text messages that were light hearted.  I sent him one that said that I really liked him in a way neither of us were comfortable with and it scared me.  He texted back that he really liked me to and he was also scared.  Later he texted me asking when I was coming home.  I informed him I wasn't going to be there tonight and just needed to process.  He informed me there was nothing to process.  We were just snuggle buddies.  WHAT?  This morning he loved me and needed me and now we are snuggle buddies?  I thought about it and realized that I was no longer in my fog,  My head was clear.  I realized I didn't care.  I sent him a text asking why he was paying for a dating site when he had a girl he was crazy about but too stubborn to admit and against my judgement was rather sweet on him.  He tried to call and I didnt' take it.  I didn't need to.

I have positive clarity for the first time in a long time.  For the first time ever I am not scared of it.  My life is my own.  I don't need a guy who wants to pretend I'm a girlfriend at night, but doesn't want to have to be a boyfriend during the day.  Who will take a girl out from the internet, but won't take me out?  I thought I needed his validation because he told me I was pretty and smart and smelled good.  I know this - I really don't need to hear it anymore.  So my hot housemate can take all the time he needs to figure it all out and I'm ok that my bed is really too big for one person.  For the first time ever - I am not afraid to be alone.  I am actually looking forward to it and to discovering who I really am. I can take this time to figure out what I really want and when the time is right I will be able to find the right guy.  Hot housemate probably isn't it.

Now I just need to tell him all this.....

Katheny Ever After (Minus the Skinnygirl - that SO isn't me)

My life is crazy.  That is all there is to it. I am like a poor woman's Bravo reality show with a mix of Girls.  Crazy ex who I am still in love with: Check.  Drama with an ex husband: Check. Child who wants to be famous: Check. Exotic Locale: Check. (Come on - Atlanta has two shows - what's one more Orange County Show).  Desperate Need of Patti Stanger?: Check.  Yeah I could totally have a hit on my hands. 

Season One would start with the fight with the ex.  He rudely made a reference to how I think I have it all together and then dare to declare it in my blog when I am so f'ing clueless.  After the initial sting (he is after all the king of go after something balls to the walls and then laying it to rest many dollars later when his passion for it faded), I found it funny because he has read the blog and should know that I am the first to proclaim I don't have a clue.  That is half the reason the blog is still going strong.  I use it as therapy, as a sounding board and as a story telling mechanism to try to make some sense of My So Called Life (Yes, I'm well aware I am no Clare Danes TYVM)..  There have been many a time where I just needed to get it out of my head and into words to try to make whatever I was dealing with make sense.  If you got a chuckle out of it, could relate or even gave you something to talk about or even think about - I am happy. I usually deal with things in a very self-deprecating and sarcastic manner.  I sometimes find it hard to take matters seriously because it isn't how I am wired to deal with matters.  This is why after a year and a half, my baby blog is growing as fast as my actual child.

Cut Scene: "I am TOTALLY clueless as to what I am doing - I am finally learning to work through it though."

Back Story: Last week was rough.  I nearly had a total psychotic breakdown.  Everything in my life was spinning out of control.  The kind of tailspin where you start crooning Jesus Take The Wheel because letting go is probably your best option. I drove my most patient friend crazy, almost torched a bridge and was pretty sure I would never speak to the ex again except for matters of the kiddo.  In the end though - I came out enlightened instead of more confused.  I emailed someone I wasn't supposed to, but it helped.  He calmed me down, but not once did I slip into the my usual "damnit you love me - deal with it and get on with it".  There was none of the "damnit, I love you and I don't know why you are so f'ing stubborn."  It was actually more like "I'm losing it - you are the only one who understands me when I get this way and that is all I need from you.  No matter what our feelings are - our paths are not destined to become one and I am OK with them running parallel for now."  I had huge text blow out with HH, who had the audacity to tell me I was mean and I hurt HIS feelings.  I went off the handle as usual, but for once (after guidance from my shoulder Devil who has been acting more like the shoulder Angel) - reeled it back in and salvaged whatever the hell we have going on.  I somehow even managed to work my way back into decent graces with my ex.

Brilliant Conclusion: I learned two very valuable lessons:

1) While I am TERRIFIED of being alone, I realize I am going to be that way for awhile and it is OK.  There are parts of me I think are broken and sometimes it's ok that it can't be fixed right away.  I need to focus on what I have going for me and work on improving the things that need minor adjustments instead of going for the wholesale changes.  

2) I am not terrified of the opposite sex and am not terrified of the prospect of sex.  It turns out that I was projecting a fear to mask the fact it isn't what I want deep down.  That isn't to say the desire isn't there - it is - but this whole HH fiasco is showing me that I don't really want him. I just want HIM to WANT me.  I want the adoration. I want the compliments. I want to be kissed and held and have my hair stroked while being told how beautiful I am.  I want to think that when I pass him as I am going out the door for a run - I will drive him to distraction. I just don't want to have to act on it.  While his naked backside is enough to make even the most stubborn gal weak; friend zone is probably our best bet. Granted there is a little more than friends, but less of anything else going on but still.  I mean I can kind of snap my fingers and have him do whatever bidding I so choose without him asking anything in return.  That kind of power can go to a gal's head though and I REALLY trying to keep that in check.  It is nice to know that I will never starve because he is always trying to bring me dinner.

Cutaway scene: I'm getting there - slowly but surely.  The journey isn't always fun and discovering your flaws suck.  In the meantime - I am going to continue just trying to figure this all out.

And Andy Cohen - if you are out there - CALL ME! I really think I could be Bravo gold!  I'm not sure it could be neatly wrapped up in a thirty minute segment, but I sure would have fun with the cut away interviews!