WWPSD?

What WOULD Patti Stanger do?

I am ready to move on.  I am really, really am -  I think.  Ok.  Maybe not as much as I think I am.  Despite being separated and subsequently divorced; I usually had the ex sex or S(ex) as I have officially coined it to fall back on. That has gone the way of the dinosaurs though and it's probably for the best. It was more of a "I know what you like, you know what I like - let's wham bam thank you ma'am it and go to sleep".

I am supposed to be on a dating moratorium.  I am for the most part.  I am not exactly going out of my way to lure men into my twisted web only to have my time wasted, chicken out before it happens or let my insecurities ruin a perfectly good coffee interrogation. I am not putting much stock in the idea that any guy that could possibly make it to the texting stage will make it much further than that.  Heck, yesterday I was even willing to step outside my comfort zone to have a beach meet and greet.  I cancelled last minute though because he sounded like exactly like Baljeet from Phineus and Ferb.  I knew his ethnicity, but his voice had more girlish qualities than mine.  Ok, so add shallow to the list of why I am single too.

What it boils down to is that I am still afraid to have sex with someone new. The guy I had my fling with back in December suggested we hook up Saturday and while I agreed to it, I spent the whole day terrified of  how exactly I was going to handle it.  It didn't happen, so I wasted a day of worry and shaved nether regions for nothing, but that last detail is beside the point.  I was REALLY drunk that night in December.  Saturday I wouldn't have been. Nothing much has changed since December.  I might be a few pounds heavier, but not that much of a difference.  Maybe it was because I was a bit "ahem" theatrical that night, maybe it was I remember telling him how douchy his V-neck t shirt was (I STILL cringe when I think about that.) Whatever it was; my brain couldn't turn off the insecurities.

Hello - wasn't I the girl who gave a popular DJ on Z-93  a bj while he was on the air (and this was a couple of hours after I had finished up with the hot guy from Footlocker who forgot to tell me he had an amazon girlfriend who probably would have kicked my ass 6 sides of Sunday if she had found out). Wasn't it my ass plastered on the hatch of my Dodge Daytona in a nightclub parking lot.  Didn't I have sex with one of the multiple Kevins (or was he a Chris, maybe a Randy?  I don't remember) on some random piece of playground equipment at 3 am? Where did this girl go?  These days I have far more feminine attributes then I did back then.  My hair has been conquered.  I have quite the round butt without it being Kardashian huge and what I didn't have in cleavage back then - I have more than tripled.   Lena Dunham goes full frontal in almost every episode of Girls and her body isn't really all that.  If she can subject herself to the masses, then surely I can get naked in front of one guy right? Maybe?   

In the end, it's an ongoing battle of mind over libido.  It isn't like there is a shortage of guys out there willing to do the deed and most of them are pretty damn hot. The blonde haired Angel will tell me to stick to the moratorium, delete the dating profile and wait until someone presents himself in person.  The red headed devil will tell me to close my mind and just do it.  It's just sex.  It's just that thing I used to do for sport.  My issues are too grand right now to consider a steady relationship and my social skills are too awkward to actually just go on dates.  It's quite the conundrum.  I guess I'll just go home and contemplate this on my new bed that is much too big for one person.  I just hope I get over this mental stigma before Operation Code Name Kangaroo is supposed to happen.  THAT may be one you want to stay tuned for....