Manti Te'o. Never has one name rocked the world of internet dating so severely. Granted the circumstances surrounding his situation were borderline bizarre, but the base of it all isn't as far fetched as the media made it out to be. This is one of the few times I have real world experience I can relate to stories in the media. I have to of them actually. One led to a marriage and one almost led to the end of my marriage.
I met the ex online. This was when online dating was still taboo and you didn't tell people that's how you met. It was long before Eharmony, Match.com, Plenty of Fish or OKCupid. Sure AOL had Love@aol, but you were considered pretty pathetic if you used it. No, we met in a chatroom called Witty (yes I am really dating myself there). We talked online for awhile, then on the phone. We fell in love before we ever met because we had the opportunity to get to know each other without the complications of sex getting in the way. Fortunately we were both honest with each other, so there were no big surprises. I flew out to meet him never even having seen his picture. I just knew he was "the one". I moved to CA 3 months later and everyone thought I was crazy. I knew he was the man I was going to marry and felt that because I had gotten to know him so well that we would truly be the couple who made it to death do us part In hindsight with the exception of Gman, we both wish it kind of never happened. I can't regret it though because I got the most amazing child out of it.
Flash forward a couple of years. For the most part we were happy. We went out and did stuff together, We'd go on bike rides, out to eat, and we'd play wt the beach. Then we discovered MMORPGs. For you laymen out there - it stands for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games. That was where the decline of the marriage started. Once we started playing Final Fantasy XI, real life stopped. We no longer went out. Neighbors wouldn't see the ex for days. It consumed all of our free time. We also didn't tell anyone we were married because we didn't think anyone would want to play with a couple; we were new the whole experience after all. Since I worked and he didn't - he had a lot more time to develop friendships and while we had our own linkshell (i.e guild) - we still ended up playing with others more than with each each other. So I ended up in a group of people from Massachusetts somehow. From that group I met a guy who went by the screen name Kaiden. We started playing almost exclusively with each other mostly because the ex was off doing things with his group. It became a different kind of online romance because we were interacting - it was just as a Hume monk and a Mithra Red Mage. I admit I fell for him because he gave me the attention I wasn't getting at home. He told me he had fallen in love with me, he sent me in game gifts and I would have to pretend to disconnect to wipe out the chat so the ex didn't see what was going on. I even snuck calls into him on my work cell phone since I could have guys numbers in that phone without question.
I eventually got caught due to some circumstances as crazy as Manti Te'o (my married secret was about to be spilled by a guy who was pretending to be a girl to get the attention of a girl in our linkshell - only to find out the the girl he was after was also a guy after they had a same sex female in game marriage. Did you follow that? lol) and and had to admit to Kaiden I was married and had to admit to the ex that I had feelings for Kaiden. I was then faced with the decision whether I wanted to save the marriage which was already starting to fail, or save my relationship with Kaiden and leave my husband. Even though I was miserable - I stayed with the ex and tried to work it out.
So how does this happen? Simple. It is easier to be open with a stranger who isn't going to judge you. You control how much information you give them and you can paint the picture any way you want it. The longer it goes on it can either become totally complicated if you have spun webs of untruth, or it feels very real because you have an emotional connection with someone who doesn't think you are fat, stupid or that the world would be better off without you in it. You are connecting with someone who wants to be there for you. It also works on the flip side. You can be the person on the other end. The one who is there for someone else. Sometimes it is just as important to be needed as it is to want the attention.
In a way, that is why online dating has become so popular. We have become a culture of instant gratification. We have smart phones that keep us connected to everything. We have movies on demand, book on our e-readers, hell you can even get free porn when you want it. It gives you a way to instantly connect with someone of your gender specific dating needs. Who wouldn't enjoy the attention of a hot guy or gal who thinks your picture looks great and wants to get to know more about you? Its a slippery slope that sometimes blurs the line between fantasy and reality though. There comes a time when you actually have to say we need to meet or this is dumb. I would say after a month of talking - if you haven't actually met the person - it is time to move on.
So don't judge poor Manti T'eo. He was far from home, had the pressures of playing ball for one of the more prestigious school in the country and he thought he found someone special. It happens to the best of us. OK - maybe it just happens to me, but then if it didn't - this would be a very short blog!
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