Unless You Have a Fireplace in Your Bathroom - I'm OK with Being Me

There is a certain freedom that comes with letting go.  When you have waved your white flag and have just resigned yourself to a certain que sera sera.  When you just breathe a collective sigh and declare WHATEVS. 

No, I am not on a medication upswing.  I should be, but I just can't ever seem to remember to take them.  I would certainly feel more stable since things are currently upside down in my life.  It's just that resigning myself the the idea that this is what my life is until 2015 has been one of the most positive changes I could make for myself.  I've made peace with it.

So here are some things that I have come to terms with in my own way and a change or two I have made.

I've cleaned out some of the negative clutter.  I unfriended the writer crush from last year and my phone address book has only one dumb guy in it.  I should delete him. I have his email address memorized though, so I always know how to get a hold of him.  He is a weakness, but I have no need to use his number.  I have no need to contact him.  I will hear from him in a few months I am sure, but he won't hear from me.  I have officially lost interest in what Bootcamp Guy and Toe Ring Tramp are doing.  That was SO last year. I haven't stalked his Facebook since the last post I wrote.  I don't care anymore. His path is not my path and his path was way too caloric.  No wonder my pants look painted on.

I still have the dating profile.  I keep disabling it, but I always restore it.  It's more for the shallow ego boost more than anything else. (Hello - being a cougar is apparently the in thing right now) I am not sure I will really find what I am looking for there. Not that I am looking for Prince Charming, Phillp, Adam, Eric, Li Shang , John Smith or Naveen.  I'm not even looking for Flynn Ryder. If I really had to go that route - I'd like a Kristoff please - the rugged loner.  I am not a princess though and riding horses scare me.  So would riding a reindeer, but I am getting off topic.  I'm a hard fit, I have a wall, a complicated personal life and I don't want to settle for just anyone because it beats being alone.  I won't pretend that tighty whities don't matter.  THEY DO. I don't believe in Mr. Right.  I don't believe there is someone for everyone.  If "he" happens to appear - thus shall it be.  If he doesn't - I can use the excuse that I am too busy playing cruise director to a seven year old to care.

A few truths.

I am OK with myself.  I have come to terms finally that the reflection in the mirror is accurate. I'm not 23 anymore.  I'm not a size 0 anymore.  I have wrinkles, a muffin top and greying hair.  The bush hasn't been landscaped in months and the legs only slightly more recently.  I have let myself go.  Plain and simple. I love chocolate and my pants are getting too tight again.  I am using my bad foot as an excuse not to start running again.  As hot as the dumb OC guys are, I would rather be dancing with my girlfriends on girls night out.  Sometimes I would really just rather sit and home and watch Crash & Bernstein for the umpteenth time with my son on a Saturday night than go out for yet another coffee interrogation where I have to admit I am so much cooler online. 

I have a pocket preacher.  I call him that in jest because he is my go to guy whenever Gman has questions about God.  He was a couple of years my junior in high school and I had a crush on his brother who was a couple of years ahead of me. Apparently I was flirting with the older brother and batting my eyes at him for donuts so that twenty plus years later - I could come to the pocket preacher for advice and theological debate. It was part of the plan.  He is now a pastor and is so sure that I am receiving "the calling".   I'm not so sure.  Maybe the battery on the spiritual cell phone has died and I can't find the charger.  All I know is that Gman has decided he wants to learn about God and we now have a standing date with the church around the corner so he can attend Sunday school.  Don't get me wrong.  I wish I had faith.  I long for faith.  I would give ANYTHING to believe in something so strongly just "because".  I can't though,  I question everything.  I argue everything.  I am a control freak who can't let go.  How am I supposed to believe that all I have to do is ask and I shall receive?  I tried that.  I still ended up sleeping on a slide, in the van and eventually in a homeless shelter.  Faith is not something I have, but I am not above a little salvation.  We'll see how this endeavor goes.

Here is my last Disney reference. "keep those camera's flashin', to try to catch this action.  I'm just being me - watch me do me".  I am so OK with who I am.  I'm OK with the flaws and the areas that need improvement.  With this attitude - I could take over the world.  I won't - I have no staying power, but I COULD.  For now, I will just settle for a hot shower, a fluffy towel and fuzzy pajamas. That I can attain tonight  Living in the here and now - what more could I ask for (besides another bar of Godiva Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt)!