The Stories of Single

The whole reason I started this blog is because of good friend of mine told me to.  She said these things only happen to you, yet it's something so many people can relate to.  Because of that encouragement; I wanted to encourage others to write.  So on Being Single is the New Black's Facebook page I told my readers that I was looking for guest writers to share their stories with me and  I have had a few responses.  Some are writers and some are just people with a story to tell...like Roxy.  Of course her name has been changed, but she is a gal after my own heart.  Show her some love in the comments!

If you have a story to tell - feel free to email me at sooosingle41@gmail.con.  I would love to share your story too.

So I present my first story in a hopefully ongoing bit I'm going to call The Stories of Single.  Take it away Roxy!

Downward Spiral…A Cautionary Tale of Dating in Your 40’s

So here I am alone. Not to say I don’t have a lot going on, but even with all of the excitement each day or moment will bring; at the end of the day, there is just me. I’m not one that would do the sort of things that I have done in the last couple of years. I have always been “the good one”, the one who was very “vanilla”. Lately, however, there have been things that I have done that I instantly regret. I am not super pretty. I would probably give myself a strong 6.75. Not skinny but not fat…kind of in the middle. I think I have a pretty decent personality if you can handle my down days. Pretty much a typical 42 year old with baggage. I came from a super bad marriage that left me scarred for life and a now have a new found sense of freedom that comes with leaving a man who you thought you might grow old with. 

For a while I did the poor pitiful me thing and stayed home in my depressed state. I was barely able to get out of sweat pants, or put on a bra each day. Then someone told me to try one of those free internet dating sites. I did. I put my best face forward, took a couple selfies on my computer camera and let it all out. Getting flirted with is wonderful when you are feeling down and eventually I took someone up on their offer to meet in person. I got my best “I need to get laid” outfit on and trekked over to the outdoor mall to meet so that I was close to home if I needed to get out of any bad situations. I was told that I was very pretty and most people don’t look like they do on their profiles. Yay me! That was short lived after a skinny little thing came in and started making eyes at my date. He then told me that they used to date her and he couldn’t be seen with a fat chick in public. I lowered my head and walked home feeling more useless than before. Free internet dating site…closed down. 

Flash forward to crazy “rocky road” “I’ll try anything once” days. Went to a swingers club with a friend and quickly realized that I was not a display it all for the world to see kind of gal. I’m more of a one on one person but after a few adult beverages was talked into being a one on two kind of person. Come on…who hasn't wanted to do something so not “you” just to see what happens? I regretted it the experience but at least I learned that is not the road for me…I am sure about that! 

After a couple of months I was still fuming about my online experience, but decided to try again. This time I wasn't going to waste time getting to know people only to be let down. So I went right for the “I need to get laid now” site and set up a blind date that was sure to end in some sweaty satisfaction. I went out for a drink and instantly he started kissing and groping me. The fact that he was pretty good looking didn't hurt so we went ahead with the discussion of where to go. We went to his house and both got what we wanted. It was quick, pretty uneventful and unsatisfying. Sex is sex right? It doesn't always have to be great, but that itch was taken care of and I got what I needed. He continued to call and I continued to meet him for 2 months. Each time I wondered "what the hell I am doing?” He still texts me to see if I will meet him. After 2 years you would think he would give up.

An old boyfriend (this is my weak point) started calling. Things were always a what if with us and after 10 years I was going to see if this would lead to anything. Why not? I invited him over for a few beers to see if there was anything beyond the sex that was the basis of the relationship 10 years ago. He was still immature, still dirt poor and a moocher, still kind of icky with some of the habits he had. Lo and behold, he was mine and he did whatever I wanted him to do. He was a doormat but would never move me forward. I promised myself that I would just keep it casual but he was moving it forward way fast with family obligations and spending a lot of time together. If you are desperate enough, you will put up with almost anything for a while. Eventually I moved him in. It was good at first but maybe I have been alone too long. Things like using napkins when you can use a towel to clean something up would make me rage with anger because he wasn’t the one who would have to buy more napkins when they were all used up! Stupid petty things were making me regret letting someone into my life. I knew deep down inside that those weren’t the issues. I didn’t love him. Not even sure I really even liked him at that point. So I asked him to leave. But, when he calls from time to time I can’t say I turn him down. 

Not even a few weeks later a mouth watering new client walked into my office. After we talked business for a while he asked if he could shut my door. I was confused because things like this don’t happen to fat chicks like me. He proceeded to ask me on a date. A proper date??? Ok, sounds great! He was way out of my league, at least a 9, and I wondered what does he want with me? We had so much in common and we sat and talked for hours. I still don’t know what exactly he saw in me, maybe it the huge boobs. I think though after a year of seeing him off and on I am at a place with him that either needs to go somewhere or end. 

You see, he has lots of baggage. He has an ex wife (not legally yet)with cancer who he left two years ago, and a “roommate” that wants to share more than the bills. So I get the leftovers. For a while the leftovers were ok but we have started to fall for each other. Neither one of us is in a position to just pick up and have a real relationship though. After all, I am a bitch no one can live with and he has too many obligations and not much left to give me. I think that the time has come to end it even though I really, really like him and could actually see us being together for a long time. 

So why am I writing this. What am I going to do if I am still seeing both of these guys when something that is really good comes along? The good guy, the guy that everyone else always saw as a friend (even me) has an interest in me and we have gone on a few dates and even done things that I would have never thought we would be doing together. He is nice. He loves me and has for a long, long time. Why do I feel the need to run away? I told him when we first started dating that I have plans to move out of the state in the fall. He cannot fall for me. I will break his heart and use him like a doormat. I have tried to tell him and warn him that I am bad news. He doesn't care. 

So here is my dilemma…

I have kicked out boyfriend who I can be myself around, say anything to, use and abuse, and sometimes I let him use and abuse me. I have client boyfriend who I still get butterflies in my stomach when he comes to see me and wish he would never leave when I have him near. And new sweet guy who would love me forever and ever and I could see a future with. My solution…keep to my move out of state plan in the fall and try to figure out who I really am. If at some point I move back maybe there would be an answer waiting if I don’t create the same drama for myself in a different location. 

Why have I chosen a life so difficult and messy? Am I torturing myself or giving myself what I think I deserve? I am not happy….don’t know what would make me happy. I have good moments and think, “this is what I want” and then the next moment it is gone. After 20 years of doing everything for everyone else I have no idea what I want for me. I thought being free would be fun and I could be selfish without regrets and maybe be able to figure it out. It has been three long years and right now I feel worse than that day I left. Still no better off, still not knowing what is out there for me.

Right now I have three amazing people who I push and push away and they keep coming back. I don’t communicate with them first. I am not needy and do not answer their texts or calls right away. They all know that we are not exclusive. But who here is really being used? I could be happy with any of them. They all have about the same chance with me, they all have the same amount of baggage. Would any of them go “all in” with me or is this all just a game they are playing? Time to make big changes and figure all of 

this out.