A Bitter Pill to Swallow

I was going to write my resolution post.  In fact it was half written before I had to stop.  I was going to finish and post it today, but then I read a Facebook post from a a friend of mine, well sort of friend.  He's more like a social media friend who I should know.  He lives probably 15 minutes from me, he was a bouncer at the club I hung out at in my twenties, but neither of us can recall each other.  The only interaction I ever can even recall with him was when he broke up the only bar fight I have ever been in that occurred in the ladies restroom.  My underage friend who I was buying drinks for started it and we probably should have been thrown out for it, but membership has it's privileges and the preppy girls who were the catalyst got the boot - but I'm off topic now.

I am paraphrasing, but he said why make resolutions at the first of the year when changes can be made at anytime.   "It is your life and no calender should dictate when you make changes to better yourself." He can be very wise and I hope to have him write a post soon.

I have been very bitter these past few weeks,  Very bitter indeed.  It seems to be infecting my soul. I have had two issues really.  1) I want to finally grow up or maybe it's to become an adult.  I'm not sure.  I'm one, but not the other and I don't know which.  2) I am just plain unhappy and jealous of other people's happiness.  The two kind of tie into each other.  It started it with Bootcamp Guy around Thanksgiving.  He had pictures posted of his dinner with his mom and I noticed that Toe Ring Tramp was the one who posted them.  It was then when I realized he and I could have never worked because I would have had to choose dinner with him or dinner with Gman. It was then I realized - I am not ready for that kind of relationship.  That was kind of when the adult/grown up thing started to seep in.

I mean I am over 18.  I am old enough to vote and old enough to drink. I hold a full time job.  I have a car and insurance payment, but that is where it ends.  I don't see many women my age who play video games and like anime.  I am always the odd one out wherever I work because I am just not like everyone else.  I am coming to a point where I want to be though.  I go to the park or Gman's school functions and I don't fit in with the other mom's. This sucks, because my son is very social and gets invited to a lot of parties.  I just end up sitting in the corner because the other moms are huddled in their mom cliques and I'm not a part of it.  It's kind of like high school all over again.

Then we go back to bitter.  Again sort of fueled by Bootcamp Guy who is currently whisking Toe Ring Tramp all over England.  While I am not making resolutions, I am officially done stalking his FB profile to torture myself.  Why am I bitter?  Because I never seem to the "one" for anyone.  When we were ending, he had the audacity to tell me "well you were once when you got married."  Yeah, well so were you Mr. Going on Divorce Number 2.  I look at my ex on Facebook and see he is happily married to the gal he dated after me.  After 4 kids and 12 years of marriage and they are still going strong,  What did she have that I didn't - besides being the sister of his ex roommates wife.  A dear friend of mine met a lovely lady on a successful dating site last year and married her before the end of the year. Hello,  I am the queen of online dating and have been entirely unsuccessful.  I find myself seething in envy.

Why am I writing this?  Is this one of my famous pity parties table for one?  No, No it isn't.  This is my proverbial letter you write then throw so that you rid it from your life. I can't actually do that though because I am not allowed near the fire place for fear I will burn the place down. (geez- you set one lousy cutting board on fire on the stove and you NEVER live it down.)

What all this bitterness has taught me is that you can't complain about the hand you are dealt when you keep playing with the same poisoned deck of cards.  You can't complain that nobody likes you when you don't present something worth liking.  You can't cry about about what you aren't when you aren't trying to make yourself what you think you should be or better yet - could be.

So I light my bonfire and let the flames reach towards the sky.  I cast bitterness into the fire along with jealously, fears and rage.  I will still be the same me who will make the same mistakes, but I will have let go of the demons holding me down and holding me back.  Maybe though, just maybe though - I may learn from a mistake or two.

Hey I hear you laughing over there....you could at least try to stifle your giggles! :)