I have not ever tried to hide my battle with depression and mental illness. I try really hard not to let it get the better of me and even documented getting back on anti-depressants to improve my well being. When things get really bad, I text good old Fred only because he the only one I know more messed up in the head than I am. Somehow he can reel be back towards reality just by letting me cry on his proverbial shoulder. He is one of the few who never says "what do you have to be depressed about - your life isn't that bad." It's true. My life isn't that bad. There are so many people who have it far worse than I do, but when I am swirling in a black abyss, that is the last thing that I need to hear!
I have debated writing about this last episode though. Maybe because I am at a point where I should be the happiest, but I'm not. I can't pinpoint what made me snap this last time. There is nothing that should have triggered it, but something in my head said it was time to give up and I tried. Maybe it was because I was sheer, flat out exhausted. Maybe it's because my finances were so tight and I was only eating one meal a day. Maybe it's because the ex and I had a stupid fight and I got sent home. Maybe it was because the one guy who I truly like and really want to have a real relationship with tells me one thing, but acts completely opposite of what he says. Maybe my time with my trainer was ending because of the car payments and the thought of making my weight loss journey alone scared me. Maybe it was all of that or maybe it was none of that. I just wanted it to be done. I hated my life and just didn't want to live it anymore.
So I thought about sitting in my car, overdosing with the windows up and praying nature took it's course. Since I was in front of my son's apartment though - I thought better of it. Instead, I went home and thought about it some more. Crying my eyes out, I took a half a bar of xanax and two vicodin and decided to nap. The plan was every time I woke up, I would take two more until the bottle was empty or I stopped waking up. I was hungry though - so I asked my roommate to bring me something to eat. When he got home he offered me some of his own food which pissed me off because the last thing I wanted was someone doing something nice for me. I posted something really stupid on Facebook, put my TV on and tried to fall asleep.
Hello, if you are truly committed to killing yourself - don't post stupid things on Facebook. Suddenly my phone starts blowing up. Bootcamp guy texted me trying to ascertain if I was OK. Uh no, obviously not. So he texts my trainer who was celebrating her birthday out of town and clueless. Redheaded Devil texted me and I had a very good cry because she is one of my very best friends and is the one who tells me what I want to hear instead of the blonde haired angel who tells me what I need to hear which is also very important. All cried out, I fell asleep to the nasally tones of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Three hours later I was awoken by another text. This one from the ex asking if I needed dinner. He knew I had threatened to do something dumb and he knew I wasn't eating. So I packed a bag and went over there. Sometimes the lure of a meal you didn't cook is greater than the lure of the ever after. That probably saved me. He wouldn't let me go home and made me talk it out after my son went to bed. It really didn't help though because again - I don't know what made me snap in the 1st place.
The roughest day though was the following Tuesday when I had bootcamp. The anxiety I felt as I walked to the gym was overwhelming. I wanted to turn around and go home, but I didn't. I should have. I had to admit to my trainer what happened. Then I was so focused on the workout & coupled with the fact I hadn't eaten that day - I fell down with two eight pound weights in my hand. I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door. Then I had to deal with the trainer texting me to find out what was wrong. This made me feel even worse because the last thing I ever want to do is burden others with my problems and I totally felt like I was burdening her. She convinced me to go to lunch with her and it turns out - that is exactly what I needed.
When we did finally get together - it was awesome. She is such an amazing person. She is also from the Midwest, so I can totally relate to her even though we are twenty years apart in age. By the time we said good-bye - I totally felt that my slump had lifted and was reminded that there are people who care about me. Not that I ever doubt that, but when you are so caught up in the doom and gloom - it's hard to see the light when your are surrounded by dark.
In the end, the ex and I are going to fight. We always do, but he always seems to have my back even though he swears he will never help me out again. The dumb guy that I really like, may or may not ever come around, but I guess I have to wait to see what the 1st of the year brings since that is when he says he will be ready for any kind of real relationship - not that I am exactly waiting around. The money issue will work itself out - or I will get super skinny from starving. The gym manager offered me two free months to help me out and to keep me coming back to the gym. I have friends that care deeply for me. All in all - it wasn't my time no matter how much I wanted it to be. I have too many reason to live and in the end - I'm glad it wasn't my time. I have too much life ahead of me that needs to be lived!
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