Yesterday I was asked "When are you going to stop living in the past?" My response was probably never because my now sucks & my future is scary. He told me I was full of shit and well he does know me almost better than I know myself. Maybe he is right. All I know is that I know where the road of the past ends. Having NO sense of direction - who knows where the present or future ends.
I am in the scary place called LIMBO. I do have a roof over my head, but I really have nothing in common with my house mates. I have a good job, but not enough to support myself and my son independently.
I ran away from Ohio to pursue my happily ever after with a person that I thought I would attain it with. Our divorce papers will be filed right before what will be our 11 year anniversary. I am stuck in a state that I don't want to be in because my son is here. I have been informed there is a very good chance they will move out of state sometime next year to a financial climate less exorbitant that Southern California. This means I can uproot & follow them & go through the whole process of trying to find a new situation separate from them. I can stay here where I have a great job, school & a decent living situation and not get to see my son as often as I like & be alone. Or somehow figure out how to get myself to the person I honestly feel in the deepest depths of my soul and being that I want to spend part 2 with. That will put me even further from my son despite the rest of it being a happy. Of course - I don't even know if he feels the same - I can be a bit delusional in the love department sometimes.
I just don't like being alone. My head gets filled with too many thoughts & I don't know how to compartmentalize them. I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself sitting at home hating myself because I realize that I have just spent the past 5 hours watching The Real Housewives of Orange County & I can't stand that show. I binge on Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream. I play too much PS3. My legs get hairy & my craving for pizza increases so I don't have to leave my room. Thank god I no longer play World of Warcraft or chances are nobody would ever see me again. I am not a social creature, but I crave companionship. I try to date so that maybe I can find the next best thing to what I want & can't have. So far the dating & trying to get him off my mind has failed miserably.
Yes in the end - I guess this sounds like a whole lot of poor, poor pitiful me (I promise I am not busting out the Linda Rondstat or Terri Clark renditions- ok maybe I am just a little) I suppose it is. But just maybe if I get it out there, I can get over it & I can move on. My pity party, can become a ME PARTY (I'm the first and last to show - There's no one at this party that I don't already know!) Until then I will continue to tell myself & everyone around me that I am HAPPY - if I say it enough - we are all bound to believe it right?
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