New Years Eve

My roots will be done and my hair will shimmer a fab honey blonde, but I will lament is isn't the butter blonde I dream of being.  It will be wavy, but not frizzy.  I will have defurred the pits, legs and Sheila, but will lament that the 70's bush look hasn't taken favor back and will inevitably burn myself with too much Nair.  I will smell of cocoa butter and my skin will have a soft sheen to it.  My toes and fingers will be painted a luminescent shade of pink grey ala 1988 where in the light it is pink and outside the light it is grey.  I will be look fab.  I will be fab.

Too bad I will be with the ex playing World of Warcraft until 12:01 when I log out and prompty pass out from spending the last day of 2011 with Gman.  Sadly there is no NYE date to either blast on here, or dance around my room holding my pillow when I got home (no I really wouldn't do the latter).

So here's to 2012.  May it be filled with joy, wonder, splendor, prosperity, lots of rest and in my case a few dates just to keep this blog fresh and exciting.

Happy New Years!

And One More Thing.........

Men - some times you really piss me off.

I am so tired of hearing close to 40 year old men saying "I want a woman without baggage" or "Women my age have too much baggage" or my favorite "I want a woman with no drama"

This may cost me my estrogen card - but I am going to let you fellows in on a few trade secrets and probably be too blunt which is the truer form of Kathy.

ALL WOMEN HAVE BAGGAGE and THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DRAMA FREE

There are very few women out there who are my age and by CHOICE are single, no kids, never married, great career & happy with where they are in life.  I am not saying they are not out there....I even know one or two - but they are few and far between.  We get married thinking til death do us part (by we - I mean the non-Kardashian, Elizabeth Taylor, Britney Spears types).  We expand our family by choice and sometimes by "Uh honey....the stick turned positive - hold on I need to puke again".  Most of us work full time and/or go to school in addition to maintaining a household, mothering the kidlets & wifing the husband.  Some of us stay at home - giving up our careers to raise the spawn of your seed and we do so because we love our family or it is more cost effective.  (Daycare in OC is almost as expensive as college tuition).  This is not meant to take away what you do as the male in the household.

• Few of us have the end intention of being a single 40 something divorcee who now has to do all of the above alone. 
• Few of us are prepared to have to date again after many years in the comfort of monogamy. 
• Few of us are blessed with becoming better looking as we age - unlike a lot of men.
• Few of us are prepared to be judged on a first date because we have a beautiful child or children who makes our world spin, that our time is limited because of said kidlet(s), job, school etc.  That we can't drop everything at the spur of the moment for a drunken weekend in Vegas or to go skiing in Big Bear.  That we had to cancel last minute because kidlet is crying for mommy and even though you FINALLY got to go home for the 1st time in 3 weeks - you have to trek back over because the best thing for a fever after motrin is mommy putting you back to sleep at 2 am. 
• Sorry, but there is always going to be the ex somewhere in the background since he is baby daddy.

As women we will always have some sort of drama.  Even if you do find the kid & ex free variety - they still have Aunt Flo to deal with and that inherently makes us drama.  I'll trade you a day of cramps, bloating and is it Tampax or Kotex kind of day for a day of morning wood & the decision of ribbed for her pleasure vs. ultra thin for his anytime.  I'll trade you a day of estrogen mood swings for a day of testosterone induced maleness.  Estrogen makes us crazy.  Deal with it. This is the same estrogen that you love when our boobs get bigger and our needs become insatiable right before the week you become reacquainted with your hand (unless you are one of the ones who don't mind a little red lube so to speak).

I may be a drama mama and have some Samsonite of my own....but you will never have a 20 year old with my prowess or mind!

One more thing.....if you are such a great catch with no baggage...why are you still single?

The 3 H Club

My problem with resolutions is that I have no resolve. I am a live and die by the seat of my Target jeans kind of girl.  Oh I have the best intentions and very well may follow through for a week. They say it takes three weeks to turn something into a habit - I have yet to make it three weeks on anything, 

2012 is going to be different (I hope) though. Almost a third of my life was spent in a relationship/marriage that will be dissolved next year.  It will be the 1st time in 11.5 years I was not married & 13 years that I wasn't single.  It will be the first time that I have nobody to fall back on & if I do fall - there will be nobody there to catch me.  So here is what I would like to accomplish for myself in 2012. I am going to resolve to absolve, evolve and find that damn swagger if it kills me!

I seek membership into the elusive 3 H Club.  Fortunately there is no livestock or growing of vegetation involved.  I'm not really good with plants or large animals.

Harmony:

Goodbye Earl - I mean Fred.  (No I am not wrapping him in a tarp & dumping him at the bottom of the lake - although I guess metaphorically I am).  I have spent the last 5 months chasing my tail over him.  I do love him dearly & deep down I know that he is who I could be happy with.  The problem is that love is a two way street and I think I should have turned left at Albuquerque. He has his life and his demons to contend with and I cannot penetrate that wall no matter how hard I bang my head against it.  I am sure he has some sort of feelings for me, but if he  won't/can't tell me - then I will move on. 2012 will be the year of no more unrequited love.  No more tail wagging the dog, I am going to wag my tail like nobody has ever seen.  I mean I may as well make good use of that shelf booty right?

Health:

I shall seek health.  I will rediscover my love affair with my bike - even if it means rides at dark when there is less traffic and cooler air.  I will rediscover my hate for Jillian Michaels even if it means sweating & a shower before bed.  I will reduce the caloric intake and increase the healthy stuff.  Who knows - maybe the fat girl 2 piece will become the fab girl 2 piece. My skinny jeans shall not be an oxymoron & when my room-mate gives me clothes - they will fit as opposed to only being able to zip the very cute skirt half way.

Happiness:

This will be the hardest to attain, but I am certain it will be the most fulfilling. I will learn to love myself and see the good in me that I always seem to turn a blind eye to.  I will learn to value myself and purge the not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough demons. This will come while seeking harmony and health.  I am going to take classes in the summer that interest me - not just fulfill what I need for my degree.  Since I hope to have a car, I will continue pursuing that paralegal certificate that I started 9 years ago (that had nothing to do with resolve & everything to do with finances).  I won't lie - I hope to be in a HEALTHY HAPPY relationship, but I shall not seek it. I will let it find me.

On a side note, I will also continue my pursuit of the frivolous. I shall embrace that I am a geek - love me - love my WoW warlock (yes I gave in and started playing again).  I shall continue trying to find that perfect shade of lip gloss, nail polish and making my hair as fab as possible.  After all  - the path to 2012 starts with baby steps and I hope will end with full blown strides!

I can handle the truth - the dare maybe not so much!

I have been told in the past my follies are very Sex in the Cityish.  Now I really think nothing could be further than the truth.  I mean the only thing I really have in common with Carrie Bradshaw is frizzy curly blonde hair & we both have no car. My clothes are from Target, my shoes from Payless and sadly I don't get paid for my writing. My Mr. Big is more like Mr. Big Boy.

I have only seen this show maybe three times and the episode that comes to mind is where Miranda needed self validation and answered an ad for a threesome.  NO I DID NOT DO SUCH A THING.....but that doesn't mean such a thing hasn't found it's way to me.  GOD I love online dating!

Now I should have known this was too good to be true.  It is rare that a cute guy who seems to have any sort of substance ever talks to me.  This guy was attractive, well spoken, used you're correctly (good grammar is SO sexy in my opinion), great taste in music and got my sarcastic sense of humor.  We had been discussing truth or dare and how exactly the dare part works online. He said he had a dare for me & it took 3 days of banter to get it out of him.

Turns out the cute girl in one of his pictures is his wife (of course he is married - I told you it was too good to be true).  Turns out they want a cool, sexy, witty, well read (I did just finish The Age of Innocence for the 6th time and am rereading Jayne Eyre) and smart (why yes - that IS me) to hang out with, watch movies with & play an ADULT version of truth or dare with and just follow where the game leads. Turns out - they want me.  I suppose I should be grateful - Adult Twister would just be awkward.

Really I swear these things ONLY happen to me.  They did try to sweeten the deal with an offer of pancakes and bacon in the morning though.  If the bacon is crispy....it is ALMOST worth considering.  I can't tell you the last time I had a pancake breakfast that I didn't have to make.

Limbo & I don't mean the party game.

Yesterday I was asked "When are you going to stop living in the past?"  My response was probably never because my now sucks & my future is scary.  He told me I was full of shit and well he does know me almost better than I know myself.  Maybe he is right. All I know is that I know where the road of the past ends.  Having NO sense of direction - who knows where the present or future ends.

I am in the scary place called LIMBO.  I do have a roof over my head, but I really have nothing in common with my house mates. I have a good job, but not enough to support myself and my son independently.

I ran away from Ohio to pursue my happily ever after with a person that I thought I would attain it with.  Our divorce papers will be filed right before what will be our 11 year anniversary.  I am stuck in a state that I don't want to be in because my son is here.  I have been informed there is a very good chance they will move out of state sometime next year to a financial climate less exorbitant that Southern California. This means I can uproot & follow them & go through the whole process of trying to find a new situation separate from them. I can stay here where I have a great job, school & a decent living situation and not get to see my son as often as I like & be alone. Or somehow figure out how to get myself to the person I honestly feel in the deepest depths of my soul and being that I want to spend part 2 with.  That will put me even further from my son despite the rest of it being a happy.  Of course - I don't even know if he feels the same - I can be a bit delusional in the love department sometimes.

I just don't like being alone.  My head gets filled with too many thoughts & I don't know how to compartmentalize them.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I find myself sitting at home hating myself because I realize that I have just spent the past 5 hours watching The Real Housewives of Orange County & I can't stand that show. I binge on Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream.  I play too much PS3. My legs get hairy & my craving for pizza increases so I don't have to leave my room. Thank god I no longer play World of Warcraft or chances are nobody would ever see me again.  I am not a social creature, but I crave companionship. I try to date so that maybe I can find the next best thing to what I want & can't have. So far the dating & trying to get him off my mind has failed miserably.

Yes in the end - I guess this sounds like a whole lot of poor, poor pitiful me (I promise I am not busting out the Linda Rondstat or Terri Clark renditions- ok maybe I am just a little)  I suppose it is.  But just maybe if I get it out there, I can get over it & I can move on. My pity party, can become a ME PARTY (I'm the first and last to show - There's no one at this party that I don't already know!) Until then I will continue to tell myself & everyone around me that I am HAPPY - if I say it enough - we are all bound to believe it right?

When a picture isn't worth a thousand words!

I was trying to remember what exactly it was the that the guy who forgot my name did to annoy me the last time he had tried to meet me.  I remembered it yesterday.  He sent me a shirtless picture. He had sent me many pictures of his face & he was cute.  I could have done much worse.  I wasn't expecting man boobs though.  It freaked me out. Unless you have a rock hard body with abs of steel - I really don't want to see your flabby pecks. And if you are sending me pictures of your Adonis physique - chances are you are way out of my league or just looking for sex. Either way - it doesn't benefit me.

I don't understand why men feel the need to send unasked for pictures.  I personally don't care if a guy's body is less than perfect - lord knows mine is. These are the kind of things that are discovered and accepted with time - not to be thrusted in ones face unasked for.  News flash - a picture of your MAN BOOBS is not bringing sexy back. I personally don't want any kind of body shots and I certainly don't subscribe to quid pro quo. Sorry - seeing my girls is a privelege earned.

What tops that though is the almighty penis picture.  I guess one must be careful when asking for a head shot.  WOAH MAMA - that was an eye opener at 8:30 am! I won't even discuss the video that followed.... Whether it is a senator or janitor - what for the love of biscuits and gravy - possess a man to send you his fully erect pride and joy? In my honest opinion- penises are not that hot to look at.  Some may argue that point- but Playboy out sells Playgirl.  We women are mental creatures. Why do you think there are so many romance novels & chick flicks.  If you want to stimulate us - stimulate our mind.  Give us something to think about, to ponder, to crave.  Don't send us something that we can point & laugh at.  I feed nobodies ego but my own.

Maybe I am in the minority - but I like my men like I like my Christmas presents.  Fully wrapped.  It is much more fun to unwrap the present & see what your getting than have it handed to you full monty. Don't give me a reason to chicken out before I ever meet you - I can give myself enough reasons for that. 

darkness and light

This morning I found out Mr. Nice Guy ended his own life almost exactly a year ago.  Of course this was news to me because I have been out of the loop for many years now.  I think I unfriended him on facebook due to a lack of activity on his part - guess I know why now. This is the 3rd person from my social group back in the day that I know of who has died.  1 overdosed many years ago, 1 ended his life, and 1 had a debilitating disease that overtook him. It makes me appreciate those around me more & that my own stupidity failed greatly.

My life hasn't exactly been a cakewalk.  Few people's have. I even half hearted tried to kill myself when things were really bad with my ex.  He made a threat out of frustration, I took an entire bottle of Atarax & went for a walk.  I came home & 15 minutes later was being transported to a hospital and put on a suggested 5150.  I had an armed guard outside my door & wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom alone.  A social worker came and decided that after a talk with the ex that yes - I needed to be committed. Somehow your own rights & reasons go out the window at that point. Truth be told he was ready to commit me even before talking to the ex.  I guess there is no such thing as a motive of desperation. Come 2:30 in the morning, I was strapped into an ambulance and taken to the county mental health agency for evaluation.  It being 2 am - I don't think the doctor wanted to deal with a dramatic house wife anymore than I not wanting to be there. He agreed it was more a plea for help than an attempt to harm myself said I could go home in the morning.  In the end - I am no longer ever allowed to purchase a firearm, but since I wasn't actually committed, I am considered of sound mind & the incident cannot be held against me.

That was a truly eye opening experience.  The people I had to eat breakfast with were truly crazy.  Some drug induced, some just in their own world.  I was never so happy to have an ordeal behind me.  I am truly grateful that my son was too young to remember any of it.  That he won't remember being pulled out of my hands, or seeing me being forced into an ambulance, or even remembering the place where they had to pick me up.

I know people will say that it is the weak way out & yes it is, but unless you have been that deep - you can't understand the reasoning going on in one's head. It is a dark, lonely hole that swallows you into believing that the world is better off with out you, that your child is too young to remember you so no loss, to feel so hopeless there is just no other alternative.  Fortunately you cannot really fatally overdose on Atarax.  All it did was make me sleepy & clear my sinuses. I survived, but I can still hit some pretty wicked lows.  In the end though, I know that no matter how dark my day is - at least it is a day where a hug & a kiss from my 5 year old can prick a pinpoint of light into it.  That is something I never want to miss!