Three Weeks In

I guess you could technically say that I have been taking my jiu jitsu class for a month, but I am not counting that first week.  I did learn some basics, but it was a good month before I made it back to attending classes regularly,

I had a melt down last week, but I was proud of myself for not actually crying until I made it to the car.  It was all over the warm ups.  Some days the warm ups are like a power yoga class and I am in awe of just how flexible these men are. I do as much as I can and try to modify the moves to my ability level (i.e. not getting pinched by my fat rolls as I'm twisting myself to the side.)  Then there are the days when they do drills.  Now I know I can't do a lot of them and normally it doesn't affect me, but Monday it did.  Snake moves - not problem.  Front snake move?  I couldn't even figure it out. Cat crawl?  I somehow lack the coordination to get timing right.  Same for the Spiderman crawl.  My army crawl was pathetic and by end I was almost in tears, but wasn't going to shed any on the mat.  It was a full class and I felt pathetic.

I had to work with my son't best friend's sister who was promoted to a yellow belt that night.  She is the most amazing girl in the world.  She is kind, encouraging and just has an overall amazing attitude.  In my self defeatest funk - I felt bad she had to work with me. She's 15 and taking the adult class so she can progress and she was stuck with the noob.  I always feel self conscious when I work with her for some reason though.  I shouldn't.  Like I said - she is an awesome young lady.  My instructor was trying to take pictures of me and it was pissing me off.  My form was off and I know I wasn't doing that particular thing he had me doing right.  He was telling me I was doing it well and I was mad at him for sugar coating it.  He totally believes in motivation by positive reinforcement, but if I am sucking fierce - I want to know.  When it was all said and done - I couldn't get to my car fast enough.  The tears streamed down my face hot and fast.  My worst fear was recognized - showing how bad I suck in front of others.

Tuesday I had a long talk with a friend who also takes the class.  He gave me words of encouragement.  I managed ti get my head back on straight,

Wednesday the instructor gave me another pep talk and reminded me that this isn't easy and there is so much to learn.  I am not in shape by any stretch of the imagination, but the fact that I am trying speaks volumes.  He said it was ok, that I can't remember what I was taught two days ago because we are more working on building my strength, my core and dropping weight right now.  He gently reminded me that it will all come, but it takes time.  Yes the black belts make it look easy.  They have been doing it for a long time and if they don't make it look easy - they are doing it wrong.

Wednesday was also an eye opener for me.  There is a 10 year old who also got promoted to a yellow belt that came in for the adult class.  He was hoping to work with my son's best friend's sister,  She wasn't at that class, so he was stuck working with me.  I am twice this kid's weight and I couldn't snake out of his guard (or get myself out of him blocking me with is legs) because he was that strong. During a different exercise where were were learning (well I was learning - he was a pro at it) the most basic sweep - he threw me over like a was rag doll.  It's all about leverage and positioning.  I give the kids in the kids class a lot of credit.  This isn't easy and they certainly show what can be done with hard work!

This Monday was much better for me.  Again the warm ups were the drills that I falter on, but I did them the best that I could.  I discovered that I am getting a lot faster at my snake move even though it still makes me dizzy/  I did what I could do, didn't attempt what I knew I couldn't (backward shoulder rolls) and tried to work on the drills that gave me fits.  There was one we did Saturday that I couldn't get the hang of very well and we had to do it again Monday.  It made more sense to me this thime and was told I was doing well by the black belt running the class.  This man has never said so much as hi to me in 6 months even though our kids take the same kids class.  I felt very triumphant because for the most part, I don't think anyone else pays attention to me because I'm still learning.  I'm far from being able to spar with these guys and I don't know enough actually do what they are learning in the class.  I did get to do modified versions of the techniques they were learning.

I have found now that I have gotten out of my head and learned to be happy with the fact I am trying - it's a very rewarding experience.  I am sore in new places every other day and I limp with pride because I know it means I am working a body part that was static.  I am noticing tone in my legs and biceps.  It is slowly coming together.

Now if I can just figure out how to get my gi, I am well on my way to my first stripe on my belt!