Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date

Today's post was written by a guest.  Her name is Kim Ashworth and I present her Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date.  I don't know  about you, but I can TOTALLY relate!

I have a tendency to fall into long-term relationships, only for them to end 2 to 3 years later when I've grown bored and disappointed with the situation.  The last year of those relationships are always wrought with feelings of inadequacy--not on my part of course, but on my lacking counterpart. But due to the relationship's comfort and ease, it always takes me a awhile to get out. You know, like a year, so by the time that happens, I'm bitter and in need of some super sexy time and attention

However, no matter what I do, the first few months are always comprised of miserable dates. It's like the past relationship years have suddenly clouded my dating judgment and I can't discern the trash from the mediocre.

While a lot of terrible dates come to mind, there is one that has always stood out across the years.

I was 26 and had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship, one that I had initially thought would end in marriage, but clearly didn't. I was going on a rampage, sleeping with randoms, online dating and trying to meet anyone I possibly could. Looking back, I don't know why, I guess I was just trying to fill a void. You know how those things go.

Finally, I had a friend say he wanted to set me up on a blind date. Truthfully, those aren't really my thing, but I thought,"why not?" I asked him a few questions about the man...what does he do? How old is he? What is he like?

His answers were vague. He mentioned something about working for an insurance company, that he was 28 and was a fun guy. I said ok

He gave the mystery man my number and he began texting. His texts were boring and filled with grammatical errors. I should have known right then that it wasn't worth my time, but I went along with it anyway. After a few days of texting, he proposed we meet up for a drink one night and I agreed. I let him suggest the place, but much to my dismay, he picked a seedy dive bar, where old men in tank tops spent their time chain-smoking and drinking $1 beer.  Real classy. I was already wishing I hadn't agreed to this.

The night of, I got there 5 minutes late. The mystery man was no where to be seen, so I sauntered up to the dusky bar, sat down as far away from the old men as I could and ordered a water.  The bar was nothing short of disgusting. Five minutes went by and I considered leaving. When it hit ten, I got up and was about to walk out and when, of course, he showed up.

He had one thing going for him: he was attractive.

I turned around and we grabbed a table in the corner. He instantly ordered me a beer; didn't ask, just did it. I don't like beer. Great.

It took him all of 2 minutes to begin word vomitting. Telling me about his harsh upbringing, his desire to be an artist but not having enough self-esteem to do so, and his inability to maintain relationships. The man was a train wreck-- a train wreck that didn't know how to stop talking about himself.

It was like once he started talking, he couldn't stop. The rambling went on and on. I merely served as a sounding board for him and nodded along while thinking about my grocery list.

I tried to interject with comments about myself, but he wasn't having it. He just turned it back around on himself, while he pounded beers. He started to get really honest by the time he hit is fourth beer; I was still on my first. That's when he went off on his previous girlfriends, telling me how they lacked creative vision, were dumb and boring in bed. I instantly thought the same of him.  Then came the unwanted sex stories, which I think were his attempt to seduce me. I'm still a little unclear of his intentions.

He told me of his wild threesomes, his interactions with prostitutes , his extensive Adam and Eve sex toy collection collection and his man on man experience. I just sat there, wide eyed and utterly confused. I had said exactly 12 words at this point and it had been an hour. I stared awkwardly into my beer, which was half-full with liquid and half-empty with dating potential.

And then suddenly, it stopped. His mouth stopped moving. His eyes stopped penetrating my soul and his beer was empty. I looked up at him, wondering if I could finally speak, but before I could open my mouth, he said, "so my mom's out of town for the week, do you want to come back to my place?

"Wait, you still live with your mother?"

He eagerly said yes like it wasn't a MAJOR turn off.

I quickly grabbed my purse and said, "I'm sorry, I just can't date someone who still lives at home." and walked out. He just sat there flabbergasted as he clearly thought he had just spit impeccable game at me for the past hour.

I didn't really care too much about his living situation. It wasn't ideal, but wasn't a deal breaker. Really, it was the fact that he ordered a beer for me and spent 60 whole minutes telling me about every horrible aspect of his life. These are things I like to discover a year or so down the road, not the first hour.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Amen Sister, Amen - Kathy

Finally Finding Chemistry With a Man of Science

I am on the verge of something big here. So big that once that line is crossed there is no turning back. You see, as previously mentioned; there is a guy.  Yes, there have been lots of guys.  Guys I've pined over.  Guys I've slept with.  Guys I wanted to date and a the mention of an actual date or two.

This one is different.

No really.

This one IS different.

This one likes me too.  He is just taking his sweet time. 

He has his issues, I have mine.  Nothing that is exactly a deal breaker, but with each one's past comes challenges for the present.  Like the first date that ended in a hug.  As did the second one.  As did the impromptu "I made too much dinner, come have some so it doesn't go to waste" dinner.  And I left wondering if this was all in my head and maybe this is just a blossoming friendship.  Except we were in contact every day including his out of town ventures. Except for the 3rd date he invited me over for dinner and he was cooking.  I gladly accepted of course because I was quite enjoying his company - A LOT.

 In the three weeks where it started as I had to be talked into going out with him - he had grown on me.

The funny thing is - he was going through the same reservations about me.  Not expecting to like me and even less expecting to find that he really does.

This is where we found ourselves after a lovely meal.  In the kitchen. discussing him not knowing what he wants, except that he likes me and wasn't sure what to do next.  I basically said we should just let it go where it was wanted and see where it lead.  Then he said all he knew was that he wanted to kiss me and he did.  FINALLY.  And It was amazing. There was more to discuss though, so we took it to the living room because well, my feet hurt thanks to my lovely 3" wedged Mary Janes.

So, we talked.  A lot.  About everything and about nothing.  About why I am the way I am and hate to make eye contact.  Why nice guys scare me. What he should do with his unused fireplace in the dining room. A good hour and a half passed in the blink of an eye.  He kissed me again.  It had been a very long time since someone who I really liked kissed me.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  He kissed me again.

 This time it was harder. 

Passionate. 

Amazing. 

And I stopped it.  With every ounce of strength I had, I stopped it. I had to.

Because If I didn't - I would have lost control and right now I need that control.

Because if he doesn't know what he wants and wants to take it slow then it had to stop. 

Because if it went any further it would've clouded everything.

Because I like him.

A lot.

This is new territory for me.   There is nothing casual about this future because neither of us are the casual type.  This scares me a bit.  It's everything I think I want, but am I ready for this?  Is he?  It's nothing like I have had post separation. 

There is only one way to find out. 

Skate slowly until the ice cracks.  Then I'll just surf the flood.

Cowabunga dude!

Just Bootcamp Guy....

I never tend to do things the correct way.  If the easiest way from point a to point b is a straight line, I can guarantee that I will get lost because I took too many turns trying to figure out which way was straight.  So this new dating scenario I find myself in is very foreign to me because well - it seems to be the same deal.  Point a here, point be there - just follow the path as it is laid out.

My friend who knows me best says she doesn't see enthusiasm and that I seem uninspired by this. I mean we are two dates in and this is the first I am writing about it.  I will be the first to admit, this is something I really had to talk myself into.  This guy isn't my usual type.  You know, the hot idiot who will just make me miserable like my housemate. He isn't the stupid coast guard guy that I wasted too much time and emotion on even though I thought we were a perfectish fit.  He's just the guy from bootcamp.  Nothing flashy, kind of awkward and doesn't get what is being presented in front of him until you hit him over the head with it. It took almost two weeks of back and forth on a dating site that we were on and NOT speaking at bootcamp for him to ask for my number and ask me if I wanted to go out sometime.  He did call, but then I had my little mental snap and made myself unavailable from all forms of life.  He texted me on the Fourth of July asking me if I wanted to go to dinner the following Saturday.  I had to think about for a bit because he just isn't the kind of guy I am usually into.  He just isn't.  Never-mind the fact he is ridiculously smart and uses bigger words than I do (yes I have had to look up a few of them).  Forget the fact that he has a career - not just a job.  Don't even think about the fact that his car is awesome (not that the car type is important to me mind you.  I'm just kind of a gear head gal - and his car is impressive in that regard), or that he has a house, is age appropriate and doesn't live far from me.  None of that is to be taken as a checklist either because it isn't mean to be.  I'm really in no place to judge or have a checklist because in reality - I would fail most men's checklists.

I said yes though because I can't whine about how nobody is interested in me if I am not willing to give chances to those who actually ask me out.So my trainer who is kind of the central point of commonality between the two of us came over to do my hair and makeup and to pick out my outfit.  I mean we all know that the feminine wiles are not my strong suit. 30 minutes later, I was made over and ready to go.  Quite a different sight than he was used to seeing at the gym.  Gone was the pony tail and sweat soaked shirt.  Instead I had wavy hair, a cute dress and 4" wedge heels.  I looked very un-me to say the least.  He picked me up on time.  Opened the car door for me (I did at least remember to let him do that for me - again - not good at the ladylike stuff).  We went to a nice little Cuban restaurant and over all it was a pleasant experience.  Afterwards we walked around a bit, then he drove me home, walked me to my gate and hugged me good-bye.  I didn't feel butterflies, I didn't see fireworks, but I didn't have the usual "Ugh - that was 2 hours I am NEVER getting back" feeling either. It was just comfortable because well he is just Bootcamp Guy.

My trainer of course wanted all the details.

Her: "Did he kiss you?"

Me:  noooooo, 

Her: "Did he try to act all Rico Suave?"  

Me:nooooo- do you even think he knows how- noooo?  

Her: "What did you think - do you like him, will you go out with him again?" 

Me: don't know - he is just Bootcamp Guy.

Her: Great - I'll grill him for the details next time I work him out.

He travels for work a lot, but texted me last week asking if I wanted to go for that bike ride we had been talking about for awhile.  Apparently I am being laughed at because I have a mountain bike that I never take off asphalt.  Hello - not adventurous!  Being in yet another banned for life fight with the ex - I agreed.  He said we would ride to the beach, get some lunch and ride back. "OK, sounds like fun" is what I text back.  My brain on the other hand was like "oh mah gahhhd - I am going to die.  I cannot bike to the beach - that's a looooong bike ride. He just wants to kill me.  That's got to be plan.  He isn't the nice guy after all - he is evil and sadistic and I'm going to die."  Ok - so I was channeling my inner Blonde Haired Angel who tends to let her imagination get the better of her at times.  Sunday rolled around and I sunscreened myself up, made myself look bike riding cute and waited for him to show.  When he did - we discovered 1) my bike was covered in cobwebs - yeah THAT was embarrassing and 2) My tire pressure was low & I don't own a bike pump. So we had to ride to his house to overhaul my bike before we could start our ride.  Apparently even though I claim to not be high maintenance - my bike on the other hand is disproving that claim.  After that we were on our way.  It was all fine and dandy until he hit the dirt trail.  DIRT TRAIL?  Helloooooooo - what part of asphalt did you miss?  Yeah it wasn't THAT bad.  We hit the beach about an hour later or so.  The ride wasn't bad at all.  We had lunch and it was pretty awesome.  It wasn't as awkward as the previous dinner.  Conversation flowed smoother and we started to get an appreciation for our individual senses of humor.  After lunch we headed back, biked through a few different parks and then he dragged me through the brush.  Again - hello - not asphalt, but I only almost fell once.  We stopped for a bit, talked for about a half an hour and rode back home.  16.5 miles and 5 hours later date two was complete.  I didn't die like I thought I would.  (Heck - I'm not even sore today.)

The funny thing is that I think I am actually starting to like him. He is growing on me and it isn't so much me convincing myself that I should.  I like the fact that even though he has some stuff going on in his personal life (don't we all?) that he has the career, and the house and the car and has it seemingly together. That there is a certain stability to him that I don't usually find in most guys I am interested in.  I mean isn't this the way it is supposed to go?  You meet someone, you go out with them a bunch of times to figure out if you do really like them and it progresses from there?  Is this the grown-up way of doing things?  I don't know.  I am used to falling for the guys who aren't interested in me past sex and never ask me out a second time.  He told me that he is really enjoying my company and would like to take me out again when he gets back from his next travel venture.  He also said he would be taking it really slow given his current state.  I told him I was fine with all of that. 

 Of course he is going to take it slow.  

He's just Bootcamp Guy!

Me - 1, Afterlife - 0!

I have not ever tried to hide my battle with depression and mental illness.  I try really hard not to let it get the better of me and even documented getting back on anti-depressants to improve my well being.  When things get really bad, I text good old Fred only because he the only one I know more messed up in the head than I am.  Somehow he can reel be back towards reality just by letting me cry on his proverbial shoulder.  He is one of the few who never says "what do you have to be depressed about - your life isn't that bad."  It's true.  My life isn't that bad.  There are so many people who have it far worse than I do, but when I am swirling in a black abyss, that is the last thing that I need to hear!

I have debated writing about this last episode though.   Maybe because I am at a point where I should be the happiest, but I'm not.  I can't pinpoint what made me snap this last time.  There is nothing that should have triggered it, but something in my head said it was time to give up and I tried. Maybe it was because I was sheer, flat out exhausted. Maybe it's because my finances were so tight and I was only eating one meal a day.  Maybe it's because the ex and I had a stupid fight and I got sent home. Maybe it was because the one guy who I truly like and really want to have a real relationship with tells me one thing, but acts completely opposite of what he says.  Maybe my time with my trainer was ending because of the car payments and  the thought of making my weight loss journey alone scared me.  Maybe it was all of that or maybe it was none of that. I just wanted it to be done.  I hated my life and just didn't want to live it anymore.

So I thought about sitting in my car, overdosing with the windows up and praying nature took it's course.  Since I was in front of my son's apartment though - I thought better of it.  Instead, I went home and thought about it some more.  Crying my eyes out, I took a half a bar of xanax and two vicodin and decided to nap.  The plan was every time I woke up, I would take two more until the bottle was empty or I stopped waking up.  I was hungry though - so I asked my roommate to bring me something to eat.  When he got home he offered me some of his own food which pissed me off because the last thing I wanted was someone doing something nice for me.  I posted something really stupid on Facebook, put my TV on and tried to fall asleep. 

Hello, if you are truly committed to killing yourself - don't post stupid things on Facebook.  Suddenly my phone starts blowing up.  Bootcamp guy texted me trying to ascertain if I was OK.  Uh no, obviously not.  So he texts my trainer who was celebrating her birthday out of town and clueless.  Redheaded Devil texted me and I had a very good cry because she is one of my very best friends and is the one who tells me what I want to hear instead of the blonde haired angel who tells me what I need to hear which is also very important.  All cried out, I fell asleep to the nasally tones of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Three hours later I was awoken by another text.  This one from the ex asking if I needed dinner.  He knew I had threatened to do something dumb and he knew I wasn't eating.  So I packed a bag and went over there.  Sometimes the lure of a meal you didn't cook is greater than the lure of the ever after. That probably saved me.  He wouldn't let me go home and made me talk it out after my son went to bed.  It really didn't help though because again - I don't know what made me snap in the 1st place.

The roughest day though was the following Tuesday when I had bootcamp.  The anxiety I felt as I walked to the gym was overwhelming.  I wanted to turn around and go home, but I didn't.  I should have.  I had to admit to my trainer what happened.  Then I was so focused on the workout & coupled with the fact I hadn't eaten that day - I fell down with two eight pound weights in my hand.  I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.  Then I had to deal with the trainer texting me to find out what was wrong.  This made me feel even worse because the last thing I ever want to do is burden others with my problems and I totally felt like I was burdening her.  She convinced me to go to lunch with her and it turns out - that is exactly what I needed.

When we did finally get together - it was awesome.  She is such an amazing person.  She is also from the Midwest, so I can totally relate to her even though we are twenty years apart in age.  By the time we said good-bye - I totally felt that my slump had lifted and was reminded that there are people who care about me.  Not that I ever doubt that, but when you are so caught up in the doom and gloom - it's hard to see the light when your are  surrounded by dark.

In the end, the ex and I are going to fight.  We always do, but he always seems to have my back even though he swears he will never help me out again.  The dumb guy that I really like, may or may not ever come around, but I guess I have to wait to see what the 1st of the year brings since that is when he says he will be ready for any kind of real relationship - not that I am exactly waiting around.  The money issue will work itself out - or I will get super skinny from starving.  The gym manager offered me two free months to help me out and to keep me coming back to the gym.  I have friends that care deeply for me.  All in all - it wasn't my time no matter how much I wanted it to be.  I have too many reason to live and in the end - I'm glad it wasn't my time.  I have too much life ahead of me that needs to be lived!