What is it about the New Year that makes us think it's a fresh start? That things will be new, that everything will be better? Can't we see that this year is just last year packaged in a shiny dress so inappropriately tight that it leaves the general public asking "What was it thinking?", while Christina Aguilara tries in vain to locate the designer?
My New Years Eve ended fighting with the ex and New Years Day began very much in the same fashion. Nope - THAT didn't seem new OR shiny. The only plus was he decided to remove himself from the situation telling me to have a great day with Gman and that we did. I had the cutest date at breakfast and Monsters, Inc. in 3D gave me a small nap since Gman couldn't actually see my eyes closed under the 3D glasses. It was afterwards that my day fell apart.
Last post was about a fauxmance. Urban Dictionary has many definitions, but I think this one hit closest to the mark:
Fauxmance Used to describe a relationship used to validate one's self or others.
Jack and Jill had a wonderful fauxmance
And it was. Until the ro seemed to be fighting the faux to dance with mance. It's a stupid crazy that nobody understands and my head hurts with being told "What did you expect? It would never work, he lives too far away, he was WAY too young, you need to stop looking externally and find happiness internally" etc. It just clicked WAY too easily into place. The chemistry was instant, He got me. My geek like tendencies were a turn on - not a turn off. Given his college pedigree, he was BRILLIANT. His writing blew me away. It felt like if the stars were to align - it would have been the most amazing 'mance ever, That running around and tearing up the town would have been just as awesome as curled up on the couch with our laptops spewing our thoughts onto digital paper. How standing in front of a Goya discussing the disturbing nature of the painting was far better than having one in your living room. How we could be a little drunk on red wine, while indulging in a fine pasta dish and have a deep conversation about something serious and then something insignificant. That a night in, curled up in bed next to each other with a book (or e-reader) could be considered a damn good night in. That I was really starting to buy into all of this, except none of it was supposed to be real. That none of this was going to happen. That I was throwing myself at this man that I didn't really know, but wanted to know more than anything.
Then I read the email. I had been digitally dumped. It was going in a direction that made him uncomfortable. That we would be friends, but the fauxmance and constant communication needed to cease. Essentially, the fauxmance that seemed to be turning into a romance was now a NOmance.
Prior to this, I had done everything in my power not to contact him that day. There was no Happy New Year email waiting for me when I awoke which told me that I was chasing, not being chased. It told me I wasn't the first thing on his mind when he woke up. So I let it be. The joy I had when I saw his picture pop up with the email notification seeped out of me like a balloon losing it's helium. His words knocked the wind out of me. I couldn't cry though; I had Gman with me. So I held it in as long as I could. It wasn't until he was downstairs playing with a friend did it finally come out and come out it did. Hot tears streamed down my face as I tried to not sob uncontrollably. The ex wanted to know what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. How do you tell someone you are crying over a fake romance that shouldn't hurt, but you feel like you just got your heart ripped out of you? That you let yourself think you were someone special in someone else's life, but in reality - his day to day might have only included you in passing thoughts? That you are so pathetic that you clung onto something that wasn't real because you just wanted to feel loved? But you weren't because it wasn't real and the minute it started to become real - it was done?
So yes, I was using it to validate myself. Who was I kidding? Girls like me don't get the happy ending. This isn't a romance novel or a chick flick. This is the hard cold reality of life. If I can get that emotionally invested over an intense exchange of words - I need to stop. So I give up.
I'm throwing up the white flag - I surrender.
Until the next time....we all know I have no resolve!
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