Don't Get Me Started - I'm Trying to Get A Hold on This

If you missed yesterday's short lived post- you missed a doozy.  In it's 3 short lived hours it got 14 hits making it set to be one the bests ones yet.  Some of my older posts haven't even  hit that mark even after months.  It was hard hitting and honest and well had good eye candy.  Out of respect to the main subject though I took it down upon being asked.  Mind you - I have a hard set rule that I shall never censor myself, but this one hit too close for comfort for some and I'm not heartless. Hopefully there were lessons learned for all involved.  I know I took home a few because it made me scrutinize myself and damn I hate that. It does seem as though the keyboard is mightier than the sword.

I am entering year 2 being single.  Now my single status has been unique at best,  I pay rent for a room that if I spend 3 nights a month at - I'm doing well.  I spend more time sleeping on my ex's couch and spending time with my son than I do alone. My ex and I have started fighting more severely, but overall I have total access to my son & they feed me if I'm there.  I have kept my job for a year and even got a 52 cent raise.  I am moving into a place where my temper won't flare at 3:00 am because the life of the party decided to end his night 3 hours before I have to wake up.  Things are slowly creeping to the good side of life.

Then Hurricane Kathy reared her pretty coiffed head.  Those winds have been calm for a long time, but kicked into full storm Friday night and raged until Sunday when I posted the now deleted blog.  I was jealous, petty and allowed my insecurites to get the best of me.  Now I am not totally to blame in this storm, but it has passed and it isn't my intention to focus on the acts of others.  I cannot change anyone but myself. 

I know better.  I know how fragile my psyche is these days,  I am a massive ball of iinstability looking to latch onto anything that might fill the void in my currently empty soul. In the past I would fill this void with any and every guy I could have sex with. Now I am the opposite; trying to avoid that false intimacy. Every bone in my body may be screaming for it - my head won't let me. I mean I have 2 online dating profiles - I could be getting laid almost every night of the week, but that isn't what my head thinks I want.

In the general scheme of things  - this storm wasn't shocking behaviour for me, but then I usually don't let myself get wrapped up in my imaginary world of what ifs anymore.  If I could get out of my head and live in the real world - I would have a whole new perspective.  I would probably be more happy, more positive and have a better outlook on life.  I wouldn't be so pissed off over things that I have no control over and I wouldn't let it plant the seeds of a seething rage or hurt feelings.

The storm has now passed and the hatches have been unbattoned.  I have yet to have that face to face but I'm sure it is coming soon. I have let it go.  Now I just need to learn to ride the waves instead of being the storm that causes them.

To quote Ms. Gwen Stefani:

But you can see it in my eyes
You can read it on my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this.
And I really mean it this time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to get a hold on this