If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - then I am a WARRIOR PRINCESS

I turned 42 this month which officially puts me in my 40's. I am supposed to be older and wiser now.  In my mind it was the month that it was all supposed to come together.  The weight would fall off, the divorce would be final and Mr. Right Now would make himself known.  I would finally finish my smut story and it would be published.  Year 2 of being single was supposed to be the best year EVAH!

Yeah, well the best laid plans of mice and and those with fabulous hair often go awry.  This has been the singlehanded worst month of my life and believe you me - I have had some DOOZIES.  Worse than the year the ex tried to commit me.  Worse than being made fun of by homeless people because I wouldn't eat the food at the shelter (Why yes I am a food snob, now leave me alone you tweek freak) and even worse than when I had to move into a transitional shelter for homeless women.  Now those were all traumatic periods in my life, but this month just keeps piling it on in mother f'ing heaps.

• My birthday party was post-poned indefinitely and I didn't even get so much as a cupcake
• My divorce is STILL pending
• I had kind of a melt down with my room-mate and things are never going to be quite the same
• My favorite attorney who was known as Attorney Crush and the inspiration behind another unfinished epic story quit with no notice on the day he was supposed to bring me my birthday coffee and pastry.
• My favorite radio DJ's in the LA market called in quits
• The Ex and I are fighting harder and meaner
• I just found out that the guy who did my ankh tat & never did call back me back in 10 minutes as promised 15 years ago  passed away 10 years ago - I totally forgive him for not calling.
• My amazing apartment where I had my own bathroom, a pool and a gym fell through a week after giving the crazy bitch my deposit.
• I have had to fight for 3 weeks to get my son on a soccer team that we registered for in June.
• Mr Right Now is just a figment of my imagination STILL.  Now there are no shortage of men wanting to send me pictures of their junk, but I am not in a state of mind where I can handle something sexual.  Oh and for the record - Mr. Beautiful Lollipop was anything but and the 22 year old really shouldn't be sending pictures of things that small.
• The death notice, the Attorney Crush quitting and losing my apartment all happened on the same day where I was also 40 minutes late for work.

This was just a teaser of the month so far.  They are all little things mind you and there are so many who have it much worse than I do.  It has taught me that I am much stronger than I thought I was and than I used to be.  Now my mood had been much more terse than normal, but when something goes wrong every single day - it is to be expected - but I am surviving this.  Even 2 years ago - this sort of stress would have sent me over the edge.  I know things will work themselves out.  I scrambled and talked my way back into my 1st apartment choice, Gman starts soccer practice today and Attorney Crush will live forever in my story I may someday finish.  I know there are things I just don't have control over.  I just pray that September is a little nicer to me because I am a warrior princess and don't you forget it!

Don't Get Me Started - I'm Trying to Get A Hold on This

If you missed yesterday's short lived post- you missed a doozy.  In it's 3 short lived hours it got 14 hits making it set to be one the bests ones yet.  Some of my older posts haven't even  hit that mark even after months.  It was hard hitting and honest and well had good eye candy.  Out of respect to the main subject though I took it down upon being asked.  Mind you - I have a hard set rule that I shall never censor myself, but this one hit too close for comfort for some and I'm not heartless. Hopefully there were lessons learned for all involved.  I know I took home a few because it made me scrutinize myself and damn I hate that. It does seem as though the keyboard is mightier than the sword.

I am entering year 2 being single.  Now my single status has been unique at best,  I pay rent for a room that if I spend 3 nights a month at - I'm doing well.  I spend more time sleeping on my ex's couch and spending time with my son than I do alone. My ex and I have started fighting more severely, but overall I have total access to my son & they feed me if I'm there.  I have kept my job for a year and even got a 52 cent raise.  I am moving into a place where my temper won't flare at 3:00 am because the life of the party decided to end his night 3 hours before I have to wake up.  Things are slowly creeping to the good side of life.

Then Hurricane Kathy reared her pretty coiffed head.  Those winds have been calm for a long time, but kicked into full storm Friday night and raged until Sunday when I posted the now deleted blog.  I was jealous, petty and allowed my insecurites to get the best of me.  Now I am not totally to blame in this storm, but it has passed and it isn't my intention to focus on the acts of others.  I cannot change anyone but myself. 

I know better.  I know how fragile my psyche is these days,  I am a massive ball of iinstability looking to latch onto anything that might fill the void in my currently empty soul. In the past I would fill this void with any and every guy I could have sex with. Now I am the opposite; trying to avoid that false intimacy. Every bone in my body may be screaming for it - my head won't let me. I mean I have 2 online dating profiles - I could be getting laid almost every night of the week, but that isn't what my head thinks I want.

In the general scheme of things  - this storm wasn't shocking behaviour for me, but then I usually don't let myself get wrapped up in my imaginary world of what ifs anymore.  If I could get out of my head and live in the real world - I would have a whole new perspective.  I would probably be more happy, more positive and have a better outlook on life.  I wouldn't be so pissed off over things that I have no control over and I wouldn't let it plant the seeds of a seething rage or hurt feelings.

The storm has now passed and the hatches have been unbattoned.  I have yet to have that face to face but I'm sure it is coming soon. I have let it go.  Now I just need to learn to ride the waves instead of being the storm that causes them.

To quote Ms. Gwen Stefani:

But you can see it in my eyes
You can read it on my lips
I'm trying to get a hold on this.
And I really mean it this time
And you know it's such a trip
Don't get me started
I'm trying to get a hold on this

Sometimes When Life Sucks - You Make Room For Whore Heels in Your Budget

This is the weekend before I turn 42.  To say my weekend has sucked ass so far would be an understatement. No - this is not a total pity party blog post.

August 2012 was SUPPOSED to be the month it all came together.  You know what they say about the best laid plans though.

After I  given 60 days to find a new place, but not allowed to move until after 30 - I found a new place.  One with a pool, a hot tub, a gyms & my own bathroom.  The lady is older so I know my nights will be silent.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the Man Whore room-mate, but damn he's noisy when he's drunk.  The best part is that I can have my son over anytime I want and not have to worry about the noise level or who is coming out of Man Whore's room.

My divorce is SUPPOSED to be final, but the ex keeps filing the paperwork wrong and I'm still married.  Hopefully third time is the charm for the paperwork & the judge signs it.

Tonight I was SUPPOSED to go out for my karaoke birthday bash where a cute, dumb boy may or may not have shown up.  Yes I remember last birthday - so I gave an disclaimer that I was not to be held accountable for my actions.

I had big plans for tonight - I had visions of a short black mini skirt and whore heels.  You know, the 6 inch stilleto and 3 inch platform toe. I was going to the big girl that owns the place and just drunk enough to perform like the karoeke star that I am.  This was foiled by a cat with a raging abscess who cannot be left alone until Monday.  There went my partner in crime.  Then I started fighting with my ex who threw me out for the weekend.  Normally this would wreck my weekend.  Normally I would engage in Domino's Cheesy Bread and chick flicks  I refused to let this get me down anymore than I am.  I decided to go shoe shopping.  I am a woman after all and my party is supposed to happen next week. Turns out even the damn shoe gods were against me today. 

You see I have finally recovered from 2 broken toes, but even though they are 98% healed - they are now wider than before and the toe shaped has changed.   None of the whore heels came in wide sizes.  Truthfully - NONE of the cute heels came in wide except 1 pair that were more expensive than I was willing to pay.  I ended up with a cute pair of wedges instead and 4 pair of earrings because I was NOT going home empty handed. Not the whore heels I had hoped for & now my whole outfit next week will be changed to skinny jeans and I will just have to find a rocking top.

When I lamented my weekend woes to my friend SaucyWriterGirl; just as I do daily. She asked if there was room in my budget for whore heels. She knows how the impending move will affect my finances in a negative manner. I told her "Sometimes when life sucks - you make room in your budget for whore heels."

Walking home though- I saw a flower that wasgrowing through a crack in the street.  It was missing 2 petals, but there it was on the street flourishing nonetheless.  It reminded me that even though my weekend is sucking something fierce - I'm not doing so bad either.

 I just may doll myself up, grab a book & head to a bar with a book. Who knows - maybe cute wedges will trump the whore heels after all.