Freedom yes, but at what cost?

I am learning that my new found freedom is coming at a very hefty price.  My poor life choices have my son with his dad instead of me.  I don't have a car so I have no way to come get him and drop him off or take him places short of the bus.  I live in a house that isn't really kid centered even though my housemates are more than accommodating on having him over.  I can barely support myself, so overall I am ok with him living with his dad.  His needs are well met, he is thriving in school and he is healthy and happy.  This however translates into me missing out on so much of him growing up.

Now, unlike most separations - I have pretty much open access to him as my time allows provided the ex and I are getting along.  Despite this - I discovered this weekend just how much I am missing. I am really not sure how long it has been since I have taken him to the park.  I would have to guess a good four months or so.  All I know is the last time we went - he couldn't traverse the monkey bars and was terrified to cross the wavy horizontal ladder.  This weekend he crossed both like a total pro showing off for anyone who would watch.  This was not a feat he performed for the first time.  Apparently he has been doing this for months now and it is something his dad witnesses frequently.  It really got me thinking about all the other things I am missing out on.  I don't know his friends from school, but they crowd his dad like a rockstar when he picks G up afterschool.  I don't know his friend's parents, but they all make small talk in the morning with his dad. I miss the school functions because I am the one who works full time. Every time I see G, his hair is a little bit longer, he seems a little bit taller and his 5 year old sense of humor more developed.  He and his dad have routines set up and when I visit - I always feel like I am a disruption because - well I am.  My son wants me and gets in trouble when he tries to get his way by coming to me first.

Even though we were separated - I spent pretty much October - to the 1st of January with them spending the night and helping out with G as his dad got overwhelmed with school.  G really got used to me being there and somehow I end up there for the entire weekends still.  Yesterday after a fight with his dad - I was kicked out the door.  After a 45 minute walk home - I got a text message informing me that he would be dropping G off at my place and there was no room for argument.  So G and I spent a great afternoon free of the ex - until it was time to go.  Tears streamed down that beautiful face of his begging me to come home with him.  Telling me he could make it all better between his dad and me.  Telling me if I tried one more time and listened to what daddy told me to do - it would work and we could be a family again.  I have never been more heart broken in my life as I tried to explain why it wouldn't work which just made him cry harder. These are not the 1st tears he has cried over us parting.  They usually flow when I have to say goodbye after a visit.  Yesterday's though seemed the most poignant and I am still choking up while typing this.

I can deal with his dad calling me names and making me feel worthless.  I can deal with the fights getting worse as I feel like I should have more freedom and he should have less control over me.  I can even deal with the extremes he goes to when trying to prove points dealing with the previous sentence.  What I cannot deal with is knowing the my son is in tears because I am not there with him every day and it is his dad that has to make it all better. I can't go back though.  I won't go back.  Nevermind the fact that the papers have been filed - I can't go back to that environment.  Even if I am able to hold this job and pull my fair share - I can't do it.  I just wish my beautiful boy was old enough to understand this.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

In high school I was jokingly referred to as "the Virgin Kathy Hicks".  I was sweet 16 and never been kissed.  I did finally lose my v at 18 and never looked back.  It was like I was making for lost time.  My laundry list is longer than most people I know.  Granted - it is not rockstar/athlete high - but it is a lot more than most people would think is reasonable or acceptable for a woman.  Sometimes it was because I was so insecure. Giving my body up was the only way I could achieve personal intimacy even if it only lasted that night. Mostly it was because I was young and it was there.

Why am I telling you this?  It occurs to me that after 13 years with the same man that I am going to eventually have sex with someone else.  I will be honest - despite all the sex I have had -  this scares the hell out of me.  Why?  Because well I have been with the same man for 13 years.  We never had a great sexual relationship, but we knew what each other liked, we knew how to make it work & well - when I wanted it to be over - I knew the trick to finish it with a hot quickness.  I am not looking forward to fumbling around trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with someone k\new.

I feel like I am plotting uncharted territory.  Having the body issues that I do, I am scared to actually have to get naked in front of somebody again.  I don't even know if I remember what foreplay is or what I am actually supposed to do.  I have been told to just have a fling to get myself over this predicament.  You know what - I can't do it.  For the slut I used to be - I now want to respected for me before I introduce someone to Belinda, Belilse & Sheila  (what - you don't name your boobs & vagina?  Well you should!). 

Maybe my loss of swagger is tied to my lack of sex? I have never felt so at a loss about something I know how to do & used to do well.  Any recommendations or suggestions would be gladly accepted.  Sometimes I wish this single thing was easier,

So far - so - yeah we really don't need to go there

See....4 days into the New Year & my resolutions have gone kaput.  Now I really did think I would be back at my own place by now, but a jacked up knee is kind of preventing that 2.7 mile bike ride home.  I am not saying I won't give it a few more tries though.  I am famous for doing the same thing over & over expecting different results.

I did drink 3 glasses of water today though. Granted they were flavored with Mio, but it was still zero calories.  I have not really been able to resist the sweets in the kitchen though.  It has been a very stressful start to my new year. Did I tell you I am officially 6 months away from being really single instead of pretending?

I am still trying to fight my inner demons.  I also am dealing with the fact that I am as shallow as a infant sized bath tub. Cute guy with commonality - but he is a big boy. I am trying to convince myself I can go for it.  Not working.  (Hello Kettle - this is Pot - your black)(BEST line from Friends ever).  No, I am choosing to spin my wheels over the guy who swears he loves my personality and that is all that matters.  Yes I do know it won't go past date one.  Damnit - I even broke the resolution is print!  Of course he will love me.  Ocho Cinco told me I was pretty enough, smart enough & gosh darnit people want to F me and to tell myself that in the mirror until I believe it.  Yes - he did too tell me that - he told all his tweet followers that.

I am proud to say though - that I have yet to bring Fred back from my proverbial dead.  Then again - I doubt he knows I killed him off.  No well wishes for Christmas or New Years from him and I am STILL waiting for my birthday polar bear he bought me 2 months after the fact.  Like Hilary Duff said "So Yesterday, So Yesterday, Don't worry about me, I'm gonna be OK".  Yes I am quoting Disney pop princesses - sue me - I am the world coolest Radio Disney mom!