I always complain that I never get time to myself. Then when I get it - I'm lost. Having these 2 broken toes isn't helping matters. I'm kind of stuck without transportation. At least that's my excuse this weekend. All I've done is feel sorry for myself and indulged in bad delivery food and too much crap tv on a big ass tv that I overpaid my ex for.
Seriously. Yesterday I spent a good three hours watching a show about an ex Amish guy out in the world of the English. This was followed by reruns of Jerseylicious, Chicagolicious and then Crazy Stupid Love. Today is worse. A marathon of Real Housewives (nothing like a bunch of self absorbed women with too much cash to make you either feel worse or better about yourself). Then I watched That Thing You Do. I don't feel bad about that - it's my all time favorite movie. Then I got whammied by Julia Roberts. Stupid Eat Pray Love.
Ms. Roberts always seems to pop up when I feel at my lowest. Now I will be the first to say I hate chick flicks. I HATE them. It sets us up for wanting for a love that doesn't exist. A happy ending that isn't attainable. For me - they are not an escape. They are a reminder of how shitty I have let my life get. How I have been up since 6:30 am text fighting with my ex over the fact that I couldn't take Gman today because I have 2 broken toes & no food in which to feed him. About how at 41, I live with 2 guys. 1 who is a peter pan at 32. Who comes in at 3 am with drunk friends in tow who keep me awake & piss me off to the point where I slam a door into my foot & break said toes. The other is a fat ass slob who pees on a the floor & doesn't seem to care that the bathroom we share smells like a back alley that the homeless use to relieve themselves. How in 2 weeks the divorce will be final & I don't know what the hell I am going to do with myself.
Yeah - I really don't know how to deal with too much time to myself. I don't do well without structure. I don't do well when I have too much time to actually be alone with my thoughts. The thoughts that swirl in my head that I don't know how to quiet. I have tried praying but my faith isn't there. How can I ask God for help when things are bad when I don't praise him when things are good? I tried to just have a talk with him everyday, but got disheartened because things kept getting worse. Why should an almighty being help me out when there are far more needy than me. I have tried meditation, but again - can't quiet my head. It starts out "OK - I am going to meditate. Let's quiet the mind. The mind. the mind. mind on my money. money on my mind. DAMNIT - that is not focusing. Focus, focus. I can't focus. I'm hungry - all I can focus on is how I want string cheese" and so on.
So this stupid movie has me thinking. It makes me question what I need to change in my life. I know changes need to be made. So much so I wrote an New Years post about it & have broken every resolution. (Well I had taken up running until I broke my toes). I don't know how to break my cycle. I had 6 weeks ot therapy trying to make me strong enough to stand up to the ex, but he has my son - so I don't think that cycle of control will ever break until I get a car which seems like never. Then there won't the issues of I don't want to hobble a total of a mile on my broken toes to get food. The papers state I will have joint custody - it doesn't state it has to be at the ex's.
So if it true that ruin is the road to transformation - I am the next candidate for Extreme Makeover. I seem to have the ruin part down pat - bring on the transformation. We however know given my past history- when the casting call is issued - I'll probably miss the audition.
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