A letter to me

If you could go back into the past and change things, would you?  A lot of who I am today is comprised of all the stupid stuff I did back in the day.  I guess this is falling on me because of stupid old Fred who has officially been abolished from my life.  So while I will spare you another Brad Paisley video (I do love him so), here is a letter to the young me from the present me. 

Dear Me,

It's me.  If you don't believe it's me, then I can tell you that I inserted my half of my BEST FRIENDS FOREVER charm in a rotting banana after a huge fight with my best friend.  Only you and your best friend would know that which proves it is me.  Despite this incident - you two are still friends - but you know this already. You are in your 20's and think you are infallible.  You are not. I offer you some advice that you will not listen to because you are stubborn & never listen to anyone including yourself, but nonetheless here goes! 

When your boyfriend tells you he doesn't want you hanging with the guys who live up the street; heed his disdain.  Otherwise, one of their friends will call you a bimbo, you will get offended & proceed to drink him under the table before you even hit the bar.  You will drink 1 too many Purple Hooters because it is the bartender's specialty & he has a crush on you.  You will get into a fight in the bathroom & that will be the last thing you remember because you will black out & fall face first down a concrete flight of steps which will cause you to break your tooth. You will wake up in the ER very confused and later Rubgy Keith will tell you he was at the bar that night & OMG that was you? On the plus side - 2012 will be the year you finally get that tooth fixed.

When you try acid for the first (and only) time - do not lock the bathroom door.  You will be stuck in the there for a half an hour because you think the door knob melted off & your room-mates can't get to you because the door is locked, You will argue with them that there is no door knob the entire time.

Sleeping with half the UC Rugby team may not be your smartest move even though it does allow you plenty of free drinks.  You and rugby Keith will never actually become an item because when he finally professes his love for you, you will be involved with Ben.  Maybe you should rethink it when Ben tells you he will never love you & you should get back with Keith.  Now both Ben & Keith are happily married (well Ben is at least) and you aren't.

Speaking of Ben - do not ask to be his date for his room-mates wedding & DO NOT get back together with him for this occasion.  You will fight at the reception, you will break up again a few months later & incidentally - he meets his future wife that night & it ain't you toots!

When you see the guy that works at Hot Topic at the club - steer clear.  I don't care how awesome you think the Winnie the Pooh shirt is - STEER CLEAR.  He isn't worth the mangling of your heart then or now.

When the guy you have been in love with since grade 6 finally asks you to be his girlfriend at the tender age of 22, don't hop into bed with the guy you had been crushing on since 9th grade 5 minutes after you accept 6th grade guy's request.  Yes you were very drunk, but it isn't worth it in the end.  6th grade guy will not speak to you for a very long time & oh yeah - he is happily married to someone else too!

Finally - don't burn bridges.  Yes you are a cyclone and in the end you are a very lucky girl because everyone forgives you.  Your friends are the most important thing you have & you need to respect that.  You will need their support more than ever when you are 41 & in the midst of a divorce.  I won't tell you to avoid that guy though because your future son is the most amazing thing you will ever have in your life!

Love,

Me

PS - don't be such a slut lol although at 41 you will wish you still had that swagger - so forget that piece of advice.  Being young & dumb is what your 20's are all about.

So Much Cooler Online

 Brad Paisley summed it up best in this video.

I was almost duped this week and am really about to mark the end of my online dating experiment. Other than some interesting blog posts - it has failed me miserably.

I was emailing a guy back in forth with model good looks (well at least from his picture).  He veered back and forth from exceptionally knowledgeable - as he should with a Master's Degree - to piggishly male - but it is the internet after all.  He consistently used you're properly and could actually spell (a rare thing online).  We discussed literature and the like - so I deemed that maybe we could meet.  We were going to meet up on Wednesday, but an evening with my son was more important to me so I cancelled.  Little did I know what a blessing that would turn out to be.

I had looked at his picture a few times, but decided to really give it a look because something wasn't adding up in my brain.  I noticed a lot of background blur in the photo which was suspicious because most guys have point & shoot or camera phone pictures posted or have a disclaimer of "one of my modeling shots".  Then I looked at his head & noticed that it was very nicely back lit.  My ex is into Photography & is studying it in school.  I have watched numerous shoot, posed in numerous shoots and critiqued more photos than any person I know that isn't getting paid to do so.  My online lothario posted a bogus picture of a model that wasn't him!  I called him on it asking him to take a picture with his cell & send it to me.  He then he had to admit that the picture he posted wasn't him.  He ended up deleting the whole profile & came back 6 hours later with a new profile and a picture which was NOTHING like Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch. No Masters Degree (HS Diploma), average build my ass - that was a few extra pounds if I have ever seen it and NOT at all attractive. The beautiful part is that he tried to play it off like he had never talked to me before & that I was crazy for telling him to take a flying leap.

The lessons to be learned here are twofold

1. If you are going to post a picture - make sure it isn't phony or you may be undone by a photographic eye.
2. If it seems to good to be true - it usually is.

I don't think there is a GPS app for this.

I am going to be honest - the guy in Arizona has knocked me on my ass.  I have tried in figure out a way to find him which is a difficult task when you don't know someone's last name.  I private messaged the bartender on Facebook, I tried to look up his NPI, I called a few optometry shops  and all have led me nowhere.  I even had a stroke of what I thought to be genius - try to find his friend.  I mean how hard could it be to find a chemistry teacher named Matt in Yuma - apparently a lot harder than I thought because that led me nowhere too.  I even tossed around the idea of somehow going back there for a weekend.  With no car or credit card though - that too is almost an impossibility.  Besides - I think that would be an all time low of pathetic because with my luck - he would show up with his newly minted girlfriend & I'm out half a months rent.

Why am I going to such extremes?  Because my pathetic little brain isn't hard wired to accept "Wow, I met a nice guy, had a great time, so what's next?".  I have spent the greater part of my adult life believing  "everything happens for a reason" and justifying it with the positive outcome I conclude.  Perhaps it is just a survival function to get me through the drama in my life. The problem is - no matter which way I spin this - I can't justify it.  Why?  Why would I meet someone whom I shared so much in common with? Why would I meet him somewhere where I will never go back to & never see again? Why is he so hard to find?  Why can't I just accept that it is what is and move on? That I am not Cinderella & he isn't going to bring that damn glass slipper? All I know is that I can never again believe things happen for a reason. 

I have friends telling me the reason I  feel this way because it was positive attention and I am suffering divorce stress.  That is it perfectly natural to feel like I am going crazy and feel as though any minute I am going to crack.  That I haven't been destroyed despite feeling like an empty shell and with no way to fill the void.  I am being told I need to be alone and to find myself.

All I want to do is curl up and not leave my bed.  I don't want to deal with people, places or things.  I am functioning on autopilot because I have no choice in the matter.  I want to call Fred because I know he could relate, but I'm NOT going down that path AGAIN.  Besides - he is another damn thing I can't justify.  Perhaps I am lost.

The question is - where do you look when you need to find yourself? 

Really? Here? REALLY?

Apparently my swagger ran to Yuma Arizona and decided to hang out with all the snowbirds.  It presented itself after 2 glasses of chocovine, 1 margarita and I lost count of how many glasses of Chablis. Karaoke at a dive bar and a chance meeting a man I will never meet again. I mean it is 2:57 am in AZ & well I am still waiting for that burrito he and his buddy promised to bring back.

He was 31, an optometrist and big word smart - you know how hot I find that. He told me the longest word and yeah I forgot it already. He embraced my geekiness. He used to play WoW and we shared a love of Star Wars and sports. We talked about Paris in May except I don't have a passport. He could intellectually spar with me and refused to kiss me because we were both drunk and didn't want me to feel taken advantage of. He was impressed my my fountain of useless knowledge brain and my ability to name a song for almost anything that presented itself.

I will never see him again. So figures. But hey - he had a date earlier that evening that he ended early with a hot ballerina. After asking him why was he telling me about a hot ballarina with a smoking body when I was not on par with that - he told me I was hotter because I had the brains.

Yup - in one week - I lost an imaginary boyfriend (who did resurface but isn't doing much to earn a blog retraction) and let an eye doctor slip through my fingers (I wear glasses - he would have been a hot commodity for me). Most people would call that failure. Not me. Watch out world - Kathy has her swagger back - unless like  the rest of the snowbirds- it decides Yuma is a great winter retirement community!!!

PS - if my swagger does stay - I hope it doesn't get hungry for barbecue after 7 pm on Saturdays!

Cue Freddie Mercury - Another One Bites the Dust

The thing about me (which is kind of why I started this blog) is that things present themselves to me that don't present themselves to most regular people.  I guess that is why I found myself recently caught in a text message romance (and yes I do have Lady Gaga's Bad Romance singing in my head - only the Chipettes are singing it.....that's a facebook posting for another time).

Now I will be the first to admit that a lot of this stems from a massive need for my ego to be fed. Many years of insults and lack of affection can drive a gal to that.  I mean who doesn't want to hear positive things about oneself in areas where one is the most self critical? Well I eat it up like a starving puppy left out to fend for itself on a rainy night. I will fully admit  it - Pa-thet-ic (again the OC over annunciation).

This guy was VERY cute.  Yes I know you men hate to be called that - but sorry - he was.  After sending the picture to my friend - even she was surprised how cute he was.  I am talking way out of my league - what could this guy possibly want with me besides sex kind of cute.  (I really try not to question these things, but experience has sadly taught me to do so).  He claimed that he wasn't looking for sex & rather preferred to get to know the person before getting into bed with them. (REALLY? ok he has my attention now)  He claimed he loved my personality and my sense of humor. (Well - how could he not?) When presented with a picture of me in a shirt that Belinda & Belilse were fighting each other to fall out of (I didn't realize the shirt was that low cut until I sent it in my defense) - he said it was sexy.  When I told him I was too lazy to change out of the top for work - so I put on a tank top under it - he said he thought it would be cute.  When I said it was covering his favorite part - he told me my face was his favorite part.  When I told him nice save - he told me he was serious and that he loved my face.  Readers - I swore at that moment I found my Patti Stanger match made in heaven. Angels played their cornation trumpets, birds were chirping and I suddenly found myself enjoying love songs. (thank god THAT is over).  Then it started to shift.  He stopped texting me first.  I let it slide for a bit because he had been so good about it.  Then he stopped responding as frequently.  I was told he was working crazy hours, but loved reading my texts on his breaks.  That bought him a couple of days.  Then he got sick and that was his reason for not responding.  When he was better - it was back to me sending the 1st message - 2 lines of exchange & no response the rest of the day.  When I finally posed the question is this even really worth pursuing due to crazy schedules (and of  all the excuses which i didn't text) - I got silence for a response.  Well babycakes - 2 can play at that game!

There were multiple attempts to actually get together so that our "imaginary" relationship could transgress into a real one.  Each attempt failed.  Either I was with my son, he was working late or he decided the gym was more desire able than fighting 3 separate freeways of traffic to get to me.  I don't know the reason why this started so positive and ended so empty and I doubt I will ever know.  In 3 days - he number gets deleted as I am sure that I will not hear from him by then & usually my limit for silence.  (yes I know I still haven't deleted Fred out yet and I haven't heard from him since December......).  His loss really (well that's what I keep telling myself)

Lesson learned my pretties - If it seems to good to be true - it usually is.  Just don't be mad the next time I question what the F Mr. Hottie wants with me - this ain't this cowgirls first rodeo.