Today I am weak. Today I am not the fearless leader that will command you to put on your lipstick/gloss, throw on your fab flats or awesome heels and take your hand as we go headlong into the world. Today I do not have my brave face on. Today I want to be a coward. Between the 4 prescription bottles in my purse, I could take a nice long nap in my car and be a headline tomorrow. I could and I want to - oh how I want to; but Today I won't.
Today I questioned God. What have I done to deserve this life of mine? I am sorry that I wrote "AW Shit Sister Mary Anne" on the bathroom mirror in soap and lied about it in the fourth grade. I hated being in that catholic school where I never fit in and was made fun of constantly. Even then I was weak, but my voice was tiny and nobody heard my cries. It was negative attention, but at least it was attention. Was that justification enough to punish me for the rest of my life? I pray every day and thank him for his blessings, my son and only ask for the strength to get me through this journey I just don't understand. Then of course I felt stupid because it isn't as if Alanis Morrisette was going to come down off her handstand and whisper in my ear ala Dogma or the clouds would part and his booming voice would answer me. I have free will and the choices I make are mine and mine alone.
Today I was again jealous of those who have so much more than me and don't have to lift a finger to achieve their desires. Those for whom everything ALWAYS seems to fall into place. Today I wondered why my life is so hard and when exactly the hits will stop coming at me. I struggle day to day to get by paycheck to paycheck. Again, I feel stupid asking these questions. I am sure the woman who sits at the stoplight entrance of Target with the cardboard sign that states "hungry kids at home and can't find work - please help" curses me when I roll past her in my car. While I am crying because I can't get my radiator fixed because I can't take the time off to either wait or be two hours late thanks to the bus - at least it's a car. All I can do is hope that it doesn't blow up before I find that good Samaritan to take me to work after I drop it off.
Today I wondered why can I never just be happy for the sake of happy without having to be on a stupid anti depressant? Why am I not pretty enough? Why am I not charming? Why can't I get motivated to change everything that is wrong in my life because I am toxic, yet am expected to be the textbook definition of together? Again - it falls back to the choices I make and the choices I've made.
And I have made stupid choices. Whether it was in my teens, my twenties or now - I have to wear them. I try to learn from them and sometimes I do, but usually I just rinse and repeat.
Today I read this post by Glennon Doyle Melton and it made me cry. Her Momastery blog metaphorically save my life. I say metaphorically because as much as I hate my life right now and want to die - I'm here for a reason. Otherwise it would have worked one of the three other times I tried to end it. She reminds me that it is OK to be flawed and I have the gift of word. I'd like to hope that someone gets something out of my blog and realizes - they too are not alone in their imperfections.
Today I acknowledge my sacred scared. I am imperfect. I am flawed. I am abusive. I have been abused. I comfort myself with food and shame myself for eating. I have an affection for painkillers and have a doctor who lets me have them. I can't show up shiny and sparkling and I can't pretend anymore. Nor should I because I am not being true to myself.
Today, I will make it through to see tomorrow and hopefully see the light through the clouds. I just hope those clouds aren't the ones from my engine burning itself up.
