darkness and light

This morning I found out Mr. Nice Guy ended his own life almost exactly a year ago.  Of course this was news to me because I have been out of the loop for many years now.  I think I unfriended him on facebook due to a lack of activity on his part - guess I know why now. This is the 3rd person from my social group back in the day that I know of who has died.  1 overdosed many years ago, 1 ended his life, and 1 had a debilitating disease that overtook him. It makes me appreciate those around me more & that my own stupidity failed greatly.

My life hasn't exactly been a cakewalk.  Few people's have. I even half hearted tried to kill myself when things were really bad with my ex.  He made a threat out of frustration, I took an entire bottle of Atarax & went for a walk.  I came home & 15 minutes later was being transported to a hospital and put on a suggested 5150.  I had an armed guard outside my door & wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom alone.  A social worker came and decided that after a talk with the ex that yes - I needed to be committed. Somehow your own rights & reasons go out the window at that point. Truth be told he was ready to commit me even before talking to the ex.  I guess there is no such thing as a motive of desperation. Come 2:30 in the morning, I was strapped into an ambulance and taken to the county mental health agency for evaluation.  It being 2 am - I don't think the doctor wanted to deal with a dramatic house wife anymore than I not wanting to be there. He agreed it was more a plea for help than an attempt to harm myself said I could go home in the morning.  In the end - I am no longer ever allowed to purchase a firearm, but since I wasn't actually committed, I am considered of sound mind & the incident cannot be held against me.

That was a truly eye opening experience.  The people I had to eat breakfast with were truly crazy.  Some drug induced, some just in their own world.  I was never so happy to have an ordeal behind me.  I am truly grateful that my son was too young to remember any of it.  That he won't remember being pulled out of my hands, or seeing me being forced into an ambulance, or even remembering the place where they had to pick me up.

I know people will say that it is the weak way out & yes it is, but unless you have been that deep - you can't understand the reasoning going on in one's head. It is a dark, lonely hole that swallows you into believing that the world is better off with out you, that your child is too young to remember you so no loss, to feel so hopeless there is just no other alternative.  Fortunately you cannot really fatally overdose on Atarax.  All it did was make me sleepy & clear my sinuses. I survived, but I can still hit some pretty wicked lows.  In the end though, I know that no matter how dark my day is - at least it is a day where a hug & a kiss from my 5 year old can prick a pinpoint of light into it.  That is something I never want to miss!