Exes and Ohs

I am a true Leo.  The only thing bigger than my pride (besides my hair) is my ego.  I am never wrong, I hate to apologize and I hate feeling slighted.  I love with all my heart  & can despise with the same amount of passion. To top it off - boy can I hold a grudge. 

Forgiveness is not something that comes easily for me.  This brings me to the story of Fred (name change alert).  Every woman should have one white hot romance in their lifetime.  Fred was mine.  His was a relationship like I had never known before. It was so hot that we couldn't keep our hands off each other & the 20 minute drive to Englewood was too long.  We ended up in the back of my hatchback of my Dodge Daytona in the Asylum parking lot with my butt plastered against the window.  Even in the non-sexual moments, he was amazing.  When I was working almost 80 hours a week at the mall, he would bring me lunch & sit with me outside my kiosk. When I needed someone for my employees to practice ear piercings on - he offered up his lobes.  When he asked me to move out of state with him - it was a no brainer - I was ready to roll.

Paris & Nicole may have coined the term FRENEMIES, but Jean & I had it down to an art.  My problem was that everything I was being told by Fred - he was also telling Jean right down to that out of state move.  I loved Fred like no other, but even so - I wanted to keep him from Jean because she was doing everything in her power to keep him from me. Fred & I were on & off again a few times because of her, but every time I saw him - I had no willpower. He may have shown up at the club with her, but he was going home with me.

In the end - Jean won and to say Fred & I ended badly would be like saying the Titanic sprung a small leak.  Our last 2 conversations in 1998 ended in tears & a don't you EVER call me again.  Many years past and I always wondered what I would say to him if ever given the chance.  I honestly hated him.  He broke my heart in a way I didn't think could ever be mended.  Thanks to social networking - I found him years later.  I even friended him on facebook just to have the opportunity to get my final say in a 13 year grudge.  I found out that while time doesn't heal all pain, it does soften the rough edges.  While I wanted to rip him a new asshole, replace it & rip it out again - I couldn't.  I got a sincere apology and when I finally spoke to him - it was if we picked up where we left off when it was good. That isn't to say I didn't speak my peace - did I mention I must always have the last word too?

While white hot burns hot and fades fast - it makes not for awesome relationships.  It was one experience though in many that helped mold me to the person I am today.  While I thought I hated Fred & for a long time I did; I have found that there is a piece of my heart he will always have and that a part of me does still love him.  I think if circumstances were different - I could happily spend the rest of my life with him.  Things are what they are though & what I have instead is a rare friendship that I never thought possible.  I also learned it is OK to forgive.  Keep that on the down low though.  I do have a Lioness reputation to maintain.