I don't think there is a GPS app for this.

I am going to be honest - the guy in Arizona has knocked me on my ass.  I have tried in figure out a way to find him which is a difficult task when you don't know someone's last name.  I private messaged the bartender on Facebook, I tried to look up his NPI, I called a few optometry shops  and all have led me nowhere.  I even had a stroke of what I thought to be genius - try to find his friend.  I mean how hard could it be to find a chemistry teacher named Matt in Yuma - apparently a lot harder than I thought because that led me nowhere too.  I even tossed around the idea of somehow going back there for a weekend.  With no car or credit card though - that too is almost an impossibility.  Besides - I think that would be an all time low of pathetic because with my luck - he would show up with his newly minted girlfriend & I'm out half a months rent.

Why am I going to such extremes?  Because my pathetic little brain isn't hard wired to accept "Wow, I met a nice guy, had a great time, so what's next?".  I have spent the greater part of my adult life believing  "everything happens for a reason" and justifying it with the positive outcome I conclude.  Perhaps it is just a survival function to get me through the drama in my life. The problem is - no matter which way I spin this - I can't justify it.  Why?  Why would I meet someone whom I shared so much in common with? Why would I meet him somewhere where I will never go back to & never see again? Why is he so hard to find?  Why can't I just accept that it is what is and move on? That I am not Cinderella & he isn't going to bring that damn glass slipper? All I know is that I can never again believe things happen for a reason. 

I have friends telling me the reason I  feel this way because it was positive attention and I am suffering divorce stress.  That is it perfectly natural to feel like I am going crazy and feel as though any minute I am going to crack.  That I haven't been destroyed despite feeling like an empty shell and with no way to fill the void.  I am being told I need to be alone and to find myself.

All I want to do is curl up and not leave my bed.  I don't want to deal with people, places or things.  I am functioning on autopilot because I have no choice in the matter.  I want to call Fred because I know he could relate, but I'm NOT going down that path AGAIN.  Besides - he is another damn thing I can't justify.  Perhaps I am lost.

The question is - where do you look when you need to find yourself?