I Got Played

Seriously, the next time someone tells me to go for someone who so isn't my type - I am going to smile pretty and them promptly ignore them.  I don't care that I may get a free meal out of it!  I've gained 5 freaking pounds back.  My landlord, my trainer and even  my blonde haired angel said go for it. The redheaded devil said don't do it.  Now if that isn't a strange dichotomy - I don't know what it.  When is the devil ever the one to tell you no - well when it is one of your best friends who knows you better than anyone.

I learned a few valuable lessons though.

I learned that it is possible for me to date a nice guy without devouring him, spitting him out and then leaving his remains for the vultures. I guess I have grown a bit since my twenties,

I learned the "nice guy" isn't always so nice.

I learned that while I may be "grown up", I am not ready to date an adult

I learned I really wasn't being myself.

My gentlemanly scientist, who told me he didn't know what he wanted, that he needed to take it slow, and he needed space to do things solo was lying.  Turns out that there was someone else who was getting his weekend time, who he was taking places besides dinner and getting his "solo" time.  He didn't need to take it slow with her.  He sure seemed to know what he wanted with her and willing to spend all of his free time with her. When questioned about it, he told me I was making it sound a lot more serious than it was and I was reading way more into it.  It was very recent and not at all what I thought.  I bought it.  I was a fool. 

The following day, he told me he was on his way to San Diego.  Well that told me where she lived.  I went onto facebook to do some snooping and found her.  I didn't know it was her until I saw her cover photo of four feet in the sand and two of them were his.  That told me all I needed to know.  We had joked in the past how nothing was official until you change the facebook status and he informed me that wasn't something he was ready for.  Well after two weeks of dating her  "San Diego Toe Ring Trollop is now in a Relationship with Boot Camp Guy".  Then she updated a pic of the two of them at a museum.  

Just WOW. I guess what he meant to say  to me is - I don't want you, but you are good in bed, so I'll drag it out as long as I can.

I sent him a text message congratulating him and it was drizzled with sarcasm.  He replied "Thank you, it just felt right".  I told him I was being sarcastic and to keep the nail polish - it might accentuate her toe rings.  I then deleted his phone number and unfriended him.

Whatever.  I hope they are happy and her toe rings get caught in his back hair.

The more I think about it - I really wasn't being myself.  I was being quiet and meek and what I thought he needed and it was stifling.  I mean I am all that in the beginning, but once I know you - there is no shutting me up.  I wasn't like that with him.  I was conservative.  I had nothing to talk about.  Truthfully, I was bored.  He just gave me the attention I was craving and I let that cloud my judgement.  I thought if someone so accomplished could like me, then I must be moving on up.  I was wrong.  I wasn't motivated enough for him, my circumstances were too much for him to overcome and I'm not where most women my age should be.

You know what - too bad so sad.  It never would have worked.  He doesn't watch cartoons (Adventure Time anyone), he doesn't play my style of video games & sorry, but I LOVE Duck Dynasty even in reruns!

The man for me won't care that I couldn't to go to school this semester because I couldn't afford it.  That yes, I am presently a file clerk who makes under $30k a year in So Cal and lives in a house with many housemates. It beats being unemployed and living in a homeless shelter which is where I was 3 years ago. 

So it's back to square one.  The square that contains me getting back to me.  Because I am the ONE for me.

Miss Movin' On

Sure, I wrote a nice shiny post about how the rest of you should deal with breakups;  but we all know I never follow my own advice.  Nor do I find myself following anyone else's advice.  I did take a nap, a bath, binged on chocolate fro yo & gained back 4 pounds (well that isn't SOLELY from the fro yo).   I just can't move past it.  

I tried in vain to get him back, but it was fruitless because he was seeing somebody else.  Yes, I know there was no exclusivity, but it would have been nice to know.  He told me it had never come up.  Well I seem to recall me saying "I'm not seeing anybody else, and as far as I know - you haven't put yourself in a position where you are seeing anybody else, so if you don't know what you want - then where does that leave us?"  OK, in his defense that probably wasn't the best time to drop that particular bomb.

You know what it is...it IS my ego being sorely bruised. Not that I couldn't get him back, but I feel like everything he said was false.  "I don't know what I want, I don't want a relationship,  I need to take this slow."  Well it sure seemed like he knew what he wanted with the other chick.  Hell, she spent the weekend with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep on his ever so comfortable couch. If I got 3 hours with him on any given occasion - it was an accomplishment and every evening ended with me leaving.   I feel like I was the rebound.  That every baby step he took with me just empowered him for her.  That's what hurts. 

Then the self doubting sirens start singing their song.  Why WASN'T I good enough?   What did she have that I didn't?  When am I ever going to be the one that is worth it?  Well those are easy questions.  I wasn't the one for him.  She probably doesn't have kids and doesn't live near by which makes a true relationship easy to not have to deal with.  When I realize that I AM worth it and if they can't see it, then I shouldn't waste my time crying and binging because it's done.

For the first time since last week I have finally put mascara on because I know the tears have finally dried. So I don't need to text him anymore.  I don't need to psycho stalk his house.  I know when he is usually at the gym and can avoid him, but it sucks.  I feel like I should have listened to myself when I said he wasn't my type.  I shouldn't have listened when I was told by everyone except the redheaded devil to go out with him. Other than a few blog posts, I don't feel like I got a lot out of it except heartbreak, confusion and a crappy birthday week.  I must remind myself of my motto - Any experience - good or bad was worth it if you learned something from it. 

So Now What?

Congratulations.

You put yourself out there.  You dipped your toe into the dating pool and decided the water wasn't fine and you want to get out of it. That the comfort of your big fluffy towel was better than the comfort of his hairy back or her hairy - well nevermind.  Either way you've decided to end it.  Or maybe you are on the receiving end.  You thought you were happily floating in your pool and the next thing you know - the water drained out and you are you are sitting in a pool of wet soggy grass.

Here are a few pop culture tips for the socially awkward to help you through this troubled time.

• Let Er Rip

Seriously.  We're adults.  Just be honest.

• It's Not You - It's Me.

When they tell you it's isn't you - it's me - Listen to your Uncle SI

• "I'm sorry. You are so special and beautiful and BLAH BLAH BLAH"

For the love of monkeys - don't tell them how special they are when you are trying to break up.  If they were so freaking special - you wouldn't be ending it!  In the end - they just feel worse

• When All Else Fails

When it's over.  It's over.  Don't dwell.  Don't make yourself miserable.  Even if you were hormonal and psychotic - there was a reason it ended or you ended it..  It sucks.  It hurts.  It's everything wrapped up into a ball of popped bubble wrap. It's time to move on.

In other words.  Do something for you.  Something that makes you happy.  If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else ever will.

• Lastly ALWAYS remember this gem.

Because you are & you didn't need me to tell you that - but it is ALWAYS nice to hear!

Show Some Love!

Forbes Magazine is looking for Nominations for their 100 Best Blogs for Women.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/katetaylor/2013/08/07/nominate-your-picks-for-the-100-best-websites-for-women-2013/

What are you waiting for?  Go nominate your favorite trainwreck (that's me just in case it's too early or too late for you depending on your geographic location!)

Mad love to all my readers and on a serious note - I would be truly honored if you enjoy my blog enough to do so!

Super Secret Psycho Drive By Stalking

Once the hormonal banshee left my system - I realized that I might have been over impetuous or I just really hate being alone.  Either way I thought maybe I would try to get Boot Camp Guy back

Several unanswered texts called for desperate measures in my mind. My ego was on the line. We had a connection. Surely after a couple of days to think - he would come to his senses?  So before my party on Saturday - I decided I would go over to Boot Camp Guy's house and somehow try to retrieve what was lost.  There was a change in wardrobe plan only because I couldn't find a belt to match the ruby red shoes that would have made even Dorothy jealous. In the end I looked even better in the new outfit.  It was a surefire plan.  I had nothing to lose - it was already lost.

I however wasn't exactly prepared for what followed.  

I drove over to his house and as I got closer - I saw a car parked in front of the house - parked where I usually parked I might add.  He doesn't really live on a busy street, so there was no reason to believe he didn't have company.  I have done some dumb things in my life - but just knocking on his door would have been very dumb; so  I called him on the off chance that it wasn't parked there for him. He didn't answer. That is never a good sign and obviously I didn't leave a message.  I did a circle around and realized this car had a hibiscus sticker on the back window.  Cue the sinister music....he had another woman over!!!!!

And my heart fell. 

This is the guy who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Who needed space to do his own things SOLO.  Who thought it was better to cut it off before it got too serious even though he really liked me.  And now he is out with someone else - even worse - probably cooking her dinner.

Not one to ever leave well enough alone - I drove by again last night.  THE CAR WAS STILL THERE and this time they weren't home. I wanted to throw up.  I was never allowed to spend that much time with him at once. Now that I think about it - maybe this person was always in the background and that is why he limited his time with me.  Maybe he is reconciling with his wife? I don't know, but the more I think about it - the harder it is to breathe.  It can be a million things, but it's pretty clear to me - we aren't getting back together.

If it didn't work in my twenties, I'm not sure why I thought it would work in my forties.  The lesson is that  Super Secret Psycho Drive Bys cause nothing but woe and I'm not happy unless I am learning it the hard way.  It may also speak volumes why I'm still single ;)

UPDATE....Dateline August 12, 2013.  My suspicions were correct - HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.  I guess you can just call me Miss Movin' On (yes I blame my child's obsession with pop music for infiltrating my brain with such gems)

#BirthdayApocalypse

I don't know why it isn't trending, but it should be.  Then again maybe I am the only one having one.

I usually LIVE for my birthday.  Presents, sweets of some sorts, a rocking karaoke party.  Well two out of the three isn't bad.  What it boils down to it that no woman should EVER have to celebrate her birthday week with her hormonal Aunt Flo.  That bitch ruins everything!

Sunday 

Brunch with my son and his dad.  Sure there that looming "are we or aren't we getting back together" question that hung like a rain cloud over Charlie Brown's head, but it didn't dampen my day.  My son's best friend spilling his frozen yogurt all over himself and my cloth seats did, but that is another story.  Any time I get with my son is a good time.

Monday 

Aunt Flo was in full effect gnashing her terrible teeth and baring her terrible claws.I spent the day in turmoil and confusion over the whole are we or aren't we because I knew I had a decision to make.  I just didn't know which way to go.  So I did what any irrational hormonal female would do.  Binged on chocolate fro yo and start a fight with Boot Camp Guy.  He was the easiest part of the equation to rid from my brain.  I went to bed feeling like crap.

Tuesday 

I decided that I should not get back together with my son's dad.  It was a hard decision, but I made it and it was mostly final.  Then there was Boot Camp Guy to deal with.  He deserved an explanation as to why I was acting like a raving lunatic (well more so than usual).  So he made me a nice dinner and then we had a chat.  WOWEE it didn't go as expected.  I went in with the mindset that I know what his deal is, but I could wait him out.  I left in tears because somehow it ended.  I even gave back the present he gave me for my birthday.  I later regretted it only because he had given me a gift certificate to a fro yo place and well it has replaced my ice cream addiction.  In the end, he had too much on his plate there wasn't really room for me. My friends tell me it's either for the best, or I was totally irrational and an idiot for essentially ending it with Boot Camp Guy.  I now feel worse and more confused than before.  Why can't I ever just get a "wow that sucks, are you ok?"  If I can't get cupcakes for my birthday, then I should at least be allowed a small pity party.

Wednesday  

Yay - Happy Birthday - NOT.  I lost two guys in one day. Everything was just kind a random blur. Reeling from the idea that I was actually going to be alone on my birthday - I told my son's dad we should reopen discussions since Boot Camp Guy was sadly now out of the picture  I discovered my license was gone and this was needed or there was no free dinner at Benihana. I sent Boot Camp Guy a few wah wah wah texts which just made me feel worse when he responded because it made the end too real.  When I got to work my desk wasn't decorated because the secretary who does it is out for the week.  None of my secretaries even gave me so much as a card.  I did get a few things from a few other people which made me feel special because they were from people who usually don't get me anything.  I left work early and went home to scour for that damn license.  No dice.  It was gone baby gone.  So I spent 2.5 hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles to replace the damn thing.  I did get my dinner at Benihana which was one of two bright spots.  The other one was that I won the family Sorry game.  My son said he didn't want us to get back together which made the discussions interesting,

Thursday  

One slip of the lip and it nailed the coffin shut in the ex discussion.  So I spent all of Thursday feeling like crap because now I have no shot at my family, Boot Camp Guy seems to be history and I am alone.  

Friday.  

The dust is settling.  I get my son tonight and I shall not think about either the ex or Boot Camp Guy even though parts of me want both of them back.  

Saturday

This will be my karaoke birthday party and the only thing standing between me and a drunken stupor is the hunt for red patent leather heels.  I'm envisioning the naughty 1940's housewife look this year.  Elegant glamour with some rocking cleavage.  Don't forget the tiara.  I'm not exactly feeling warrior princess, but I am never one to shy away from the center of attention!

The Hardest Choice Ever

This weekend I was faced with a suggestion that I never thought I would have to ponder.  It was suggested that perhaps I should get back together with my ex husband.

This is a man who I have shared my ups and downs with.  Who no matter what or how bad I screwed something up was usually there to pick me up when I fell.  The person who knows me better than I know myself including when my time of the month is near even though he hasn't seen me in weeks.  The father of my child.  My family.

This was something to seriously ponder and quite frankly should have been a no brainer.  

Except....

I am seeing someone else and have been for about a month now.  Now this current relationship isn't serious yet.  Not enough time has passed that if I ended it - either of us would be heartbroken (I think).  I really do like this new guy though, but then that's the thing....it's new.  He is many things that my ex husband isn't. Then that is part of the problem because my ex is also many things that he isn't.  

The ex is my safe choice.  He's my comfort.  He has been my rock.

I cried for two days.  I tried to push the new guy away in hopes it would clear my head.  Why wouldn't I jump at the chance to get my family back?

Because overall - people don't change.  I'm not talking my ex - I'm talking me.

The old me wouldn't have thought twice.  I would have made promises of change.  I would have tried to paint a spectacular portrait of what our new happy family would be.  I would have done so because it benefited me and never would have thought what it would do to anyone else.  Then I would fail. I always do.  I'm not being Debbie Downer - I am spouting a truth about myself.  I would get comfortable.  I would fall back in the old ways that led to a good portion of the demise of my marriage.  When I get comfortable; I get lax.  I stop doing the things I should  - for me, for him, in general. The truth is; I am set in my ways, I am stubborn as hell and I don't change.

I am also a pessimist.  There is a 50% chance it would work, but there is that 50% chance that I will screw it up and that is too high a risk to take.  I have a child who is no longer young enough that it would no longer affect him in the long term.  If it ended poorly - he would be devastated.  I can't do that to him

So I turned down the suggestion after much thought.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done because it will lead to end of my "family".  I will always have my son, but as time progresses - I will lose the ex. He will eventually move on and I can't begrudge him that - I have started to.  We will spend less time together because it isn't really normal for two people who aren't together anymore to spend as much time as we used to.  It isn't healthy for any of us.  

Even though the devil you know is better than the devil you don't; it's time to face my demons and move on. It is a decision I may seriously regret in the end.  I just can't be selfish anymore. 

Midlife Bloggers Piece

Check out this original piece I wrote that was posted at www.Midlifebloggers.com.  Then show some love to some other very talented bloggers by visiting their sites too!

http://midlifebloggers.com/2013/08/05/the-midlife-search-for-love/#sthash.63j7SSY3.dpbs

Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date

Today's post was written by a guest.  Her name is Kim Ashworth and I present her Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date.  I don't know  about you, but I can TOTALLY relate!

I have a tendency to fall into long-term relationships, only for them to end 2 to 3 years later when I've grown bored and disappointed with the situation.  The last year of those relationships are always wrought with feelings of inadequacy--not on my part of course, but on my lacking counterpart. But due to the relationship's comfort and ease, it always takes me a awhile to get out. You know, like a year, so by the time that happens, I'm bitter and in need of some super sexy time and attention

However, no matter what I do, the first few months are always comprised of miserable dates. It's like the past relationship years have suddenly clouded my dating judgment and I can't discern the trash from the mediocre.

While a lot of terrible dates come to mind, there is one that has always stood out across the years.

I was 26 and had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship, one that I had initially thought would end in marriage, but clearly didn't. I was going on a rampage, sleeping with randoms, online dating and trying to meet anyone I possibly could. Looking back, I don't know why, I guess I was just trying to fill a void. You know how those things go.

Finally, I had a friend say he wanted to set me up on a blind date. Truthfully, those aren't really my thing, but I thought,"why not?" I asked him a few questions about the man...what does he do? How old is he? What is he like?

His answers were vague. He mentioned something about working for an insurance company, that he was 28 and was a fun guy. I said ok

He gave the mystery man my number and he began texting. His texts were boring and filled with grammatical errors. I should have known right then that it wasn't worth my time, but I went along with it anyway. After a few days of texting, he proposed we meet up for a drink one night and I agreed. I let him suggest the place, but much to my dismay, he picked a seedy dive bar, where old men in tank tops spent their time chain-smoking and drinking $1 beer.  Real classy. I was already wishing I hadn't agreed to this.

The night of, I got there 5 minutes late. The mystery man was no where to be seen, so I sauntered up to the dusky bar, sat down as far away from the old men as I could and ordered a water.  The bar was nothing short of disgusting. Five minutes went by and I considered leaving. When it hit ten, I got up and was about to walk out and when, of course, he showed up.

He had one thing going for him: he was attractive.

I turned around and we grabbed a table in the corner. He instantly ordered me a beer; didn't ask, just did it. I don't like beer. Great.

It took him all of 2 minutes to begin word vomitting. Telling me about his harsh upbringing, his desire to be an artist but not having enough self-esteem to do so, and his inability to maintain relationships. The man was a train wreck-- a train wreck that didn't know how to stop talking about himself.

It was like once he started talking, he couldn't stop. The rambling went on and on. I merely served as a sounding board for him and nodded along while thinking about my grocery list.

I tried to interject with comments about myself, but he wasn't having it. He just turned it back around on himself, while he pounded beers. He started to get really honest by the time he hit is fourth beer; I was still on my first. That's when he went off on his previous girlfriends, telling me how they lacked creative vision, were dumb and boring in bed. I instantly thought the same of him.  Then came the unwanted sex stories, which I think were his attempt to seduce me. I'm still a little unclear of his intentions.

He told me of his wild threesomes, his interactions with prostitutes , his extensive Adam and Eve sex toy collection collection and his man on man experience. I just sat there, wide eyed and utterly confused. I had said exactly 12 words at this point and it had been an hour. I stared awkwardly into my beer, which was half-full with liquid and half-empty with dating potential.

And then suddenly, it stopped. His mouth stopped moving. His eyes stopped penetrating my soul and his beer was empty. I looked up at him, wondering if I could finally speak, but before I could open my mouth, he said, "so my mom's out of town for the week, do you want to come back to my place?

"Wait, you still live with your mother?"

He eagerly said yes like it wasn't a MAJOR turn off.

I quickly grabbed my purse and said, "I'm sorry, I just can't date someone who still lives at home." and walked out. He just sat there flabbergasted as he clearly thought he had just spit impeccable game at me for the past hour.

I didn't really care too much about his living situation. It wasn't ideal, but wasn't a deal breaker. Really, it was the fact that he ordered a beer for me and spent 60 whole minutes telling me about every horrible aspect of his life. These are things I like to discover a year or so down the road, not the first hour.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Amen Sister, Amen - Kathy

Finally Finding Chemistry With a Man of Science

I am on the verge of something big here. So big that once that line is crossed there is no turning back. You see, as previously mentioned; there is a guy.  Yes, there have been lots of guys.  Guys I've pined over.  Guys I've slept with.  Guys I wanted to date and a the mention of an actual date or two.

This one is different.

No really.

This one IS different.

This one likes me too.  He is just taking his sweet time. 

He has his issues, I have mine.  Nothing that is exactly a deal breaker, but with each one's past comes challenges for the present.  Like the first date that ended in a hug.  As did the second one.  As did the impromptu "I made too much dinner, come have some so it doesn't go to waste" dinner.  And I left wondering if this was all in my head and maybe this is just a blossoming friendship.  Except we were in contact every day including his out of town ventures. Except for the 3rd date he invited me over for dinner and he was cooking.  I gladly accepted of course because I was quite enjoying his company - A LOT.

 In the three weeks where it started as I had to be talked into going out with him - he had grown on me.

The funny thing is - he was going through the same reservations about me.  Not expecting to like me and even less expecting to find that he really does.

This is where we found ourselves after a lovely meal.  In the kitchen. discussing him not knowing what he wants, except that he likes me and wasn't sure what to do next.  I basically said we should just let it go where it was wanted and see where it lead.  Then he said all he knew was that he wanted to kiss me and he did.  FINALLY.  And It was amazing. There was more to discuss though, so we took it to the living room because well, my feet hurt thanks to my lovely 3" wedged Mary Janes.

So, we talked.  A lot.  About everything and about nothing.  About why I am the way I am and hate to make eye contact.  Why nice guys scare me. What he should do with his unused fireplace in the dining room. A good hour and a half passed in the blink of an eye.  He kissed me again.  It had been a very long time since someone who I really liked kissed me.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  He kissed me again.

 This time it was harder. 

Passionate. 

Amazing. 

And I stopped it.  With every ounce of strength I had, I stopped it. I had to.

Because If I didn't - I would have lost control and right now I need that control.

Because if he doesn't know what he wants and wants to take it slow then it had to stop. 

Because if it went any further it would've clouded everything.

Because I like him.

A lot.

This is new territory for me.   There is nothing casual about this future because neither of us are the casual type.  This scares me a bit.  It's everything I think I want, but am I ready for this?  Is he?  It's nothing like I have had post separation. 

There is only one way to find out. 

Skate slowly until the ice cracks.  Then I'll just surf the flood.

Cowabunga dude!

Just Bootcamp Guy....

I never tend to do things the correct way.  If the easiest way from point a to point b is a straight line, I can guarantee that I will get lost because I took too many turns trying to figure out which way was straight.  So this new dating scenario I find myself in is very foreign to me because well - it seems to be the same deal.  Point a here, point be there - just follow the path as it is laid out.

My friend who knows me best says she doesn't see enthusiasm and that I seem uninspired by this. I mean we are two dates in and this is the first I am writing about it.  I will be the first to admit, this is something I really had to talk myself into.  This guy isn't my usual type.  You know, the hot idiot who will just make me miserable like my housemate. He isn't the stupid coast guard guy that I wasted too much time and emotion on even though I thought we were a perfectish fit.  He's just the guy from bootcamp.  Nothing flashy, kind of awkward and doesn't get what is being presented in front of him until you hit him over the head with it. It took almost two weeks of back and forth on a dating site that we were on and NOT speaking at bootcamp for him to ask for my number and ask me if I wanted to go out sometime.  He did call, but then I had my little mental snap and made myself unavailable from all forms of life.  He texted me on the Fourth of July asking me if I wanted to go to dinner the following Saturday.  I had to think about for a bit because he just isn't the kind of guy I am usually into.  He just isn't.  Never-mind the fact he is ridiculously smart and uses bigger words than I do (yes I have had to look up a few of them).  Forget the fact that he has a career - not just a job.  Don't even think about the fact that his car is awesome (not that the car type is important to me mind you.  I'm just kind of a gear head gal - and his car is impressive in that regard), or that he has a house, is age appropriate and doesn't live far from me.  None of that is to be taken as a checklist either because it isn't mean to be.  I'm really in no place to judge or have a checklist because in reality - I would fail most men's checklists.

I said yes though because I can't whine about how nobody is interested in me if I am not willing to give chances to those who actually ask me out.So my trainer who is kind of the central point of commonality between the two of us came over to do my hair and makeup and to pick out my outfit.  I mean we all know that the feminine wiles are not my strong suit. 30 minutes later, I was made over and ready to go.  Quite a different sight than he was used to seeing at the gym.  Gone was the pony tail and sweat soaked shirt.  Instead I had wavy hair, a cute dress and 4" wedge heels.  I looked very un-me to say the least.  He picked me up on time.  Opened the car door for me (I did at least remember to let him do that for me - again - not good at the ladylike stuff).  We went to a nice little Cuban restaurant and over all it was a pleasant experience.  Afterwards we walked around a bit, then he drove me home, walked me to my gate and hugged me good-bye.  I didn't feel butterflies, I didn't see fireworks, but I didn't have the usual "Ugh - that was 2 hours I am NEVER getting back" feeling either. It was just comfortable because well he is just Bootcamp Guy.

My trainer of course wanted all the details.

Her: "Did he kiss you?"

Me:  noooooo, 

Her: "Did he try to act all Rico Suave?"  

Me:nooooo- do you even think he knows how- noooo?  

Her: "What did you think - do you like him, will you go out with him again?" 

Me: don't know - he is just Bootcamp Guy.

Her: Great - I'll grill him for the details next time I work him out.

He travels for work a lot, but texted me last week asking if I wanted to go for that bike ride we had been talking about for awhile.  Apparently I am being laughed at because I have a mountain bike that I never take off asphalt.  Hello - not adventurous!  Being in yet another banned for life fight with the ex - I agreed.  He said we would ride to the beach, get some lunch and ride back. "OK, sounds like fun" is what I text back.  My brain on the other hand was like "oh mah gahhhd - I am going to die.  I cannot bike to the beach - that's a looooong bike ride. He just wants to kill me.  That's got to be plan.  He isn't the nice guy after all - he is evil and sadistic and I'm going to die."  Ok - so I was channeling my inner Blonde Haired Angel who tends to let her imagination get the better of her at times.  Sunday rolled around and I sunscreened myself up, made myself look bike riding cute and waited for him to show.  When he did - we discovered 1) my bike was covered in cobwebs - yeah THAT was embarrassing and 2) My tire pressure was low & I don't own a bike pump. So we had to ride to his house to overhaul my bike before we could start our ride.  Apparently even though I claim to not be high maintenance - my bike on the other hand is disproving that claim.  After that we were on our way.  It was all fine and dandy until he hit the dirt trail.  DIRT TRAIL?  Helloooooooo - what part of asphalt did you miss?  Yeah it wasn't THAT bad.  We hit the beach about an hour later or so.  The ride wasn't bad at all.  We had lunch and it was pretty awesome.  It wasn't as awkward as the previous dinner.  Conversation flowed smoother and we started to get an appreciation for our individual senses of humor.  After lunch we headed back, biked through a few different parks and then he dragged me through the brush.  Again - hello - not asphalt, but I only almost fell once.  We stopped for a bit, talked for about a half an hour and rode back home.  16.5 miles and 5 hours later date two was complete.  I didn't die like I thought I would.  (Heck - I'm not even sore today.)

The funny thing is that I think I am actually starting to like him. He is growing on me and it isn't so much me convincing myself that I should.  I like the fact that even though he has some stuff going on in his personal life (don't we all?) that he has the career, and the house and the car and has it seemingly together. That there is a certain stability to him that I don't usually find in most guys I am interested in.  I mean isn't this the way it is supposed to go?  You meet someone, you go out with them a bunch of times to figure out if you do really like them and it progresses from there?  Is this the grown-up way of doing things?  I don't know.  I am used to falling for the guys who aren't interested in me past sex and never ask me out a second time.  He told me that he is really enjoying my company and would like to take me out again when he gets back from his next travel venture.  He also said he would be taking it really slow given his current state.  I told him I was fine with all of that. 

 Of course he is going to take it slow.  

He's just Bootcamp Guy!

Me - 1, Afterlife - 0!

I have not ever tried to hide my battle with depression and mental illness.  I try really hard not to let it get the better of me and even documented getting back on anti-depressants to improve my well being.  When things get really bad, I text good old Fred only because he the only one I know more messed up in the head than I am.  Somehow he can reel be back towards reality just by letting me cry on his proverbial shoulder.  He is one of the few who never says "what do you have to be depressed about - your life isn't that bad."  It's true.  My life isn't that bad.  There are so many people who have it far worse than I do, but when I am swirling in a black abyss, that is the last thing that I need to hear!

I have debated writing about this last episode though.   Maybe because I am at a point where I should be the happiest, but I'm not.  I can't pinpoint what made me snap this last time.  There is nothing that should have triggered it, but something in my head said it was time to give up and I tried. Maybe it was because I was sheer, flat out exhausted. Maybe it's because my finances were so tight and I was only eating one meal a day.  Maybe it's because the ex and I had a stupid fight and I got sent home. Maybe it was because the one guy who I truly like and really want to have a real relationship with tells me one thing, but acts completely opposite of what he says.  Maybe my time with my trainer was ending because of the car payments and  the thought of making my weight loss journey alone scared me.  Maybe it was all of that or maybe it was none of that. I just wanted it to be done.  I hated my life and just didn't want to live it anymore.

So I thought about sitting in my car, overdosing with the windows up and praying nature took it's course.  Since I was in front of my son's apartment though - I thought better of it.  Instead, I went home and thought about it some more.  Crying my eyes out, I took a half a bar of xanax and two vicodin and decided to nap.  The plan was every time I woke up, I would take two more until the bottle was empty or I stopped waking up.  I was hungry though - so I asked my roommate to bring me something to eat.  When he got home he offered me some of his own food which pissed me off because the last thing I wanted was someone doing something nice for me.  I posted something really stupid on Facebook, put my TV on and tried to fall asleep. 

Hello, if you are truly committed to killing yourself - don't post stupid things on Facebook.  Suddenly my phone starts blowing up.  Bootcamp guy texted me trying to ascertain if I was OK.  Uh no, obviously not.  So he texts my trainer who was celebrating her birthday out of town and clueless.  Redheaded Devil texted me and I had a very good cry because she is one of my very best friends and is the one who tells me what I want to hear instead of the blonde haired angel who tells me what I need to hear which is also very important.  All cried out, I fell asleep to the nasally tones of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Three hours later I was awoken by another text.  This one from the ex asking if I needed dinner.  He knew I had threatened to do something dumb and he knew I wasn't eating.  So I packed a bag and went over there.  Sometimes the lure of a meal you didn't cook is greater than the lure of the ever after. That probably saved me.  He wouldn't let me go home and made me talk it out after my son went to bed.  It really didn't help though because again - I don't know what made me snap in the 1st place.

The roughest day though was the following Tuesday when I had bootcamp.  The anxiety I felt as I walked to the gym was overwhelming.  I wanted to turn around and go home, but I didn't.  I should have.  I had to admit to my trainer what happened.  Then I was so focused on the workout & coupled with the fact I hadn't eaten that day - I fell down with two eight pound weights in my hand.  I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.  Then I had to deal with the trainer texting me to find out what was wrong.  This made me feel even worse because the last thing I ever want to do is burden others with my problems and I totally felt like I was burdening her.  She convinced me to go to lunch with her and it turns out - that is exactly what I needed.

When we did finally get together - it was awesome.  She is such an amazing person.  She is also from the Midwest, so I can totally relate to her even though we are twenty years apart in age.  By the time we said good-bye - I totally felt that my slump had lifted and was reminded that there are people who care about me.  Not that I ever doubt that, but when you are so caught up in the doom and gloom - it's hard to see the light when your are  surrounded by dark.

In the end, the ex and I are going to fight.  We always do, but he always seems to have my back even though he swears he will never help me out again.  The dumb guy that I really like, may or may not ever come around, but I guess I have to wait to see what the 1st of the year brings since that is when he says he will be ready for any kind of real relationship - not that I am exactly waiting around.  The money issue will work itself out - or I will get super skinny from starving.  The gym manager offered me two free months to help me out and to keep me coming back to the gym.  I have friends that care deeply for me.  All in all - it wasn't my time no matter how much I wanted it to be.  I have too many reason to live and in the end - I'm glad it wasn't my time.  I have too much life ahead of me that needs to be lived!

Let's Hear it For The Good Guys We Never Consider

Gwen Stefani said it best in Bathwater: Why do the good girls always want the bad boys? 

It is the age old question.  By a certain age - shouldn't we have gotten our hearts broken enough by the wrong type to know better?  Why do we fool ourselves into thinking we want/need/crave the stable and reliable man, but look the other way when he notices us?  We pine over the guy who doesn't call us.  Wonder why we weren't asked out for that second date.  We sleep with him too soon in hopes that the sex is enough to lure him back for more.  It isn't.  Then we sit in a funk and wonder where it is all going wrong as we soothe our wounded soul with chocolate fro yo with sprinkles.

In the meantime; we don't give a chance to Mr. Reliable.  There is always some flaw that repels us. He's too fat or too thin.  He isn't cute enough.  He isn't smart enough. He doesn't wear the right brands.  Damnit I am fabulous and gorgeous and I can do better!  In the end though - can you?  If you could - why haven't you?

Thus the perplexing conundrum I find myself in.  Coast Guard Guy is out of the picture.  I don't have time for hot guys who are only interested in the chase.  My Hot Housemate while seeming to be back on track from his trainwreck lifestyle isn't what I want.  Then there is Boot Camp Guy.  BCG isn't the guy you normally look twice at.  He is a year older than me.  His hair is thinning with a bald spot, he doesn't wear the name brand shoes and wears black socks when he works out. He's a nice guy though and probably in the best shape out of all of us in the group. I happened to find him on one the horrible dating site that I can't seem to quit because I'm an attention whore and sent him a teasing message.  This was of course after I texted my trainer about finding him there.  She  was all over it telling me I should go out with him because he's a REALLY NICE GUY.  There are those words again.  What I want, but won't give a chance to.

So we have been sending messages back and forth for about four days and it turns out we have a lot in common.  He is smart, has good grammar, plays PC video games and is an avid mountain bike rider.  I am all of the above except the mountain bike rider because while I have one - I am a sissy girl who doesn't ever go off the street unless I am cutting through grass.  He's quite interesting. We are basically two introverted geeks. I just have better hair.

 Then my blonde angel got involved in the conversation and she too decided that I should go out with him because he was smart and looked outdoorsy.  (She got this from stalking his facebook profile).  I sent him a message telling him our trainer was pulling for us to go out and he said he was totally oblivious to that fact.  Then he asked me out.  The part of me who was trying to be open minded and not a diva was thrilled.  The diva part of me questioned why would I even consider it - not so much. Nice guys bore me. I'm a drama mama - I don't know how to deal with status quo.

While we were doing out boot camp yesterday - I could barely acknowledge him because I didn't know how to act.  Nobody ever said social skills were my strong suit.  So when I got home, I messaged him back accepting his offer. I mean he has seen me balling my eyes out because I couldn't do side planks and felt extremely defeated.  He has seen me a hot, sweaty mess and making strained faces because the workout was insane.  That is technically seeing me at my worst only short of having the flu. Even if all it became was a friendship - he is a really good guy.  Who knows - it might be the kind of relationship where it grows on you and you don't realize how much it means until you are knee deep into it.

Who knows - stranger things have happened!

A little bit of Patti Stanger, a Whole Lot of Miss Cleo

If you are a regular reader - you know that when it comes to affairs of my own heart - I am pretty much clueless.  I mean it is called Being Single is the New Black for a reason.  It can be taken two ways.  Being single is as fab as my bed head on any given morning, or it can be as dark as my soul when I feel I have been scorned. I've been single for two years now and am probably ready for a real relationship - I just don't think a real relationship is ready for me. Coast Guard Guy is singular proof of that statement!

I get some interesting requests in the email box associated with the blog.  I get a lot of requests for book reviews which I would LOVE to do if I had the time.  I have been asked to link other's peoples pages to my site which I won't unless I LOVE their site and then I put it on the Fab Reads section.  Most recently though - I was told because of my blog;  I would be a good fit to give relationship advice at Wizpert.com.  Once I picked myself off the floor from laughing hysterically at the notion - I decided what the heck.  If you know me personally you  KNOW how much I love giving my opinion  and seriously -  what haven't I experienced in life?  I've been married and divorced.  I was a slut in my twenties and a prude in my forties.  I had a guy who came over to have sex fell asleep in my bed before anything happened and I have endured more horrible coffee interrogations than any one person should have to. I've been in love with my best friend, only to see him marry someone else and not be invited to the wedding and I've broken a few hearts myself.  I've been date raped and had a couple of threesomes - I've pretty much spanned the globe of experience.

So now not only am I the self proclaimed Queen of the Blogosphere - I am officially a Wizpert who specializes in Dating and Relationship advice. I even have a new badge for the blog to prove it! (I am a whore for blog badges!)  They do say - those who can't do - teach and I have more than proven I dating isn't my own forte!  So if you are DYING for my "expert" (yes I am STILL giggling maniacally over that) opinion on your dating or relationship woes - just click on my picture to your left (no your OTHER left) and if I am available - I will give it my best shot!  Who wouldn't want my own personal spin on their life?  I'm getting pretty good at it!

Damn You Greg Behrendt

If you have learned anything about me in the past year and a half - you know that I tend to obsess just a wee bit and perhaps maybe I don't know how to leave well enough alone.  Anything that is mature or grown up is a foreign concept to me, and I have no patience when I want something.  Sadly, I am wired like a guy despite the fabulous hair and great rack.  The concept of feminine tends to be lost on me.  I never remember to close my legs in a skirt or dress getting out of the car, I never remember to let the man get the door for me and I go after what I want instead of demurely waiting for it to come to me.  Patti Stanger describes it as "male energy".

This makes my thing with the new guy VERY hard on me.  I'm torn between over analyzing every detail on the inside, while playing it cool on the outside.  It took me a really long time to warm up to the idea of letting him in.  Something seemed off.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but he was persistent. Yet as soon as I threw in the towel, all the promises made in the art of woo went floating away with the ocean breeze.  So when he attempted to waltz back in a few weeks ago I told him as long as he was serious - it was game on, otherwise don't waste my time.  Not that I have anything else going on in the romance department - but HE doesn't need to know that.  The problem is that the feeling of something off is still haunting me.  He acts like he is into me, but can't really make time for me.  Once again - it's me suggesting times and more times than not he isn't available.  When we did have plans for a Saturday; he decided to help a friend with his house and cancelled on me when it got late.  There was no mention of helping this friend when we made the original plans.  He never calls - he only texts even though I told him he could now. (When this whole thing started last year - he wasn't allowed to call because I was always at the ex's house.)

Yesterday he told me via text that he was spacing out the times we see each other so there was no burnout factor. WTF?  In all my years of dating and casual sex - NEVER has the thought of something burning out ever crossed my mind when something was new.  Am I just being my usual over analytical self?  I questioned him on it and have yet to get a response which makes me even more suspicious.

I blame Greg Behrendt, co-author of He's Just Not That Into You. If you are single lady and have not read this book - YOU MUST.  It is written by a former player who used every trick in the book and basically breaks it down for you.  It also spawned a movie of the same name that might possibly be my fav chick flick despite me generally hating chick flicks.  The bottom line message from the book is that if a guy really likes you and is indeed into you - he will make it happen  Now I know there are exceptions - but the problem is - we as women tend to think we are the exception; when the actuality of it is - we are the rule. 

I brought it up to the ex who shoots straight and doesn't sugar coat anything.  He said it's one of two things.  He is dating someone else too and doesn't want me to know.  This is no big deal to me - I expect it.  It's still new and no commitments have been made.  The ex said that guys don't want to deal with the jealously drama, so it's just easier to make stuff up that sounds good.  He also said the flip side is that maybe it's true, but then do I really want to date someone who has to be apart from me to want to be with me?  In the end he said the same thing - if he REALLY wanted to be with me - he'd be making it happen instead of excuses as to why it is not.

So now I'm stuck wondering what do I do?  I mean it isn't like I have men busting down my door to date me.  Do I wait it out and see what happens?  Do I blow him off the next time (if there is a next time) he decides he can make time and tell him I have a date?  Come on - I'm almost 43 years old.  These games don't seem much different then when I was in my twenties.

So here is the reader participation time.  What do YOU think I should do because obviously I am clueless!

The Best 30 Days Evah!

Every month I tell myself "This is it girl, THIS is your month".  Then some sort of catastrophic failure rears it's head and makes a liar out of me.  I believe the problem was that I was swimming in a sea of negativity while trying to keep my head above water with positive arm floaties.  The smartest decision I ever made was to go onto the anti-depressant.  Now that I am about to start my third month on them - I have managed to cleanse those negative waters and swim freely in positivity.  This is a strange concept for me and even stranger to my friends who expect Hurricane Kathy and instead get Summer Breeze Kathy.  It's a beautiful thing.  May into June 1 was a great month for me.

I have learned that I cannot let toxic people into my life no matter how much I care about them.  I have a friend who I am just watching fall into a downward spiral and the thing is, I can't do anything for him.  I know from my own experiences that until you are ready to get help or do something about it - there is nothing to be done.  I used to gravitate to those types, thinking I could fix them.  If I could focus on how messed up their lives were, I wouldn't have to focus on how messed up mine was.  This time, I walked away.  I pushed his advances towards me away.  There was a time I really wanted to date him; but now I see the train wreck he is becoming and I don't need that.  I have finally emerged from my own trainwreck and left it there to smoulder on the tracks.

As previously written in I Just Hope I Keep the Donkey Booty, I have been going to gym rather religiously.  About five times a week to be exact (until I was sidelined by throwing my back out during a bootcamp workout - but even then I still managed to go four times).  I hired a personal trainer and the results are noticeable.  My legs look awesome.  When I look down, I see my toes and not my stomach.  My posture is straighter.  After 30 days of all that work - I had officially lost five and a half pounds.  That is right on track to where I am supposed to be.  Weekends I find are the hardest, because I have less structure and always find myself hungrier, but I am doing the best that I can.  Sadly, I have to break up with my trainer because I can no longer afford it because......

I FINALLY BOUGHT A CAR!!!! After 2 years of not having one, I bought one on the two year anniversary of being on my own.  It's an older model and the body has flaws, but it runs well and IT'S MINE.  No more standing at bus-stops with foul mouthed homeless people who are not trying to get on any buses.  No more getting up super early to make sure I am on the bus on time.  No more relying on the ex to borrow the van if he deems me worthy.  I have the freedom to go where I want and that too it a beautiful thing.

Lastly, the best thing that has happened in the past thirty days was meeting a truly amazing guy.  A guy who has goals, plans for his future and grounded in his here and now.  Someone who is interested in more than just sex and who actually gets my quirky sense of humor.  It has been so long since I have been anywhere close to being on the same page with a member of the opposite sex.  I want to say that this must be what a mature (read grownup - ack) relationship must be like.  It's still in the infancy stages though and we are taking it slow.  I am doing everything in my power NOT to freak out or obsess or any of those other things that the Kathy of old would do.  My redheaded devil is a little freaked out about just how calm I am being over this.  Nothing like the manicness I displayed over the hot room-mate.  There is no point to it.  It will play out the way it was meant to be and obsessing will do nothing to change the outcome.

I won't say June is going to be a great month, why jinx it?  I shall just continue to go with my flow.  As long as I stay positive, then positive things will come my way.  After all, as my new motto states "You just can't contain this type of FABULOSITY!"

It Might Be Time To Break Out the Boxed Wine After All!

Do I REALLY have to admit that I might have actually met someone of quality on one of those horrible dating sites that I only stay on for blog fodder?  OK, fine.  I admit it.  It has taken over a year for this to actually come to fruition mind you, but apparently some things might be worth the wait.

So almost a year ago, I got a message from a guy and I humored him for a bit.  He came of waaaaaaaay to aggressive though. I phased him out in typical Kathy fashion and went about my merry little way.  Then I broke two toes and pulled out of the dating scene all together.  Once I was healed, off crutches and out of the insanely ugly boot - I tried emailing him only to find out his account had been disabled.  Whatevs, there were plenty of other guys out there to toy with and feed my ego. 

I would say around November maybe, he managed to find me again.  I did EVERYTHING in my power to push him away.  My ego was still bruised from Code Name Hot Chocolate and while of course I relished the attention, I just wasn't feeling it.  He finally wore me down.  He was a persistent bugger - I will give him that.  So I agreed to meet him.  Had the whole outfit planned and he cancelled on me.  His pipes busted in his house or something.  The second time I cancelled and the third time he cancelled.   Around New Years, I flipped out on him and told him I was moving to Colorado and he told me he was transferring to Miami.  We called the whole thing off and then decided maybe we could meet and just be friends.

That is where he turned into a total dickhead jerk monkey.  It was his turn to push me away and it worked.  He cancelled on me a THIRD time and three strikes and you are out baby.  I deleted him.  I may have given him one last chance, but in the end I just gave up.

Two weeks ago while chastising the ex about some hot 27 year old I was going to go find and go out with, he asked if I meant the "coast guard guy"?  I was like "UH, HELL NO!  he isn't 27 and he is Miami - that ship way sailed" I put him out of my head. Well in Beetlejuice fashion (say his name to many times and he appears), out of nowhere - I get an email from him.  Thank you ex for conjuring spirits of the past.  Sheesh.  I humored him because I was in a good mood and curious as why exactly he was darkening my email inbox.

We chatted a bit and I told him he had some 'splaining to do.  He agreed and suggested he tell me in person.  He set a date and I rolled my eyes and was already mentally prepared to move on.  I told him that I was happy where I am right now, don't really need a guy in my life at the moment - so if he was serious - then game on.  If not and he intended on flaking - don't bother.  I don't need my time or energy wasted.  He swore up and down he wouldn't. Maybe I took a little stock in it, because I did go out and buy a new outfit including shoes - then again - do I really NEED an excuse to buy a coral dress.  No not really!

The days ticked off and Tuesday rolls around.  He asked what I wanted to do, and I told him - this was his gig - he got to figure it out.  I also warned him again that there was to be no flaking unless there was a death in the immediate family - but even then he better send me a picture of the corpse.  I don't care if Grandma's tongue is hanging outside her mouth - I WANT PROOF. We decided on a Mexican restaurant across from my office. (This led to a crazy text to my personal trainer to ask how exactly do I eat there and NOT blow my calorie count for the day?)

Wednesday.  I'm wearing my coral dress and my oh so 80's cinch belt and brought my 4" wedgies.  I waited and waited and waited for him to cancel so I could be all self righteous and he didn't.  At 4:30 he texted me to tell me he was on his way.  HOLY CRAP - I REALLY HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?  Panic sets in.  I can't do this.  I SUCK at dates.  I am not witty or charming in person.  Again - see the Code Name Hot Chocolate link.  There was no turning back though.  My amazing friend Red Devil gave me a much needed pep talk and I cursed Man Whore for not giving me the guys perspective on how amazing I looked and headed to the restaurant.  I mean it's been a year - I got this - I think.

I had the BEST time.  He was cute, funny and engaging.  He is a Jeff Gordon fan though and that should TECHNICALLY be a deal breaker.  At least he didn't tell me he was Tom Brady or a Raiders fan because that would have killed it.  We had a nice light dinner, walked around the fountains by my office because they shot a scene from Demolition Man there and he drove me home. We hung out for a bit, kissed a couple of times and called it a night.  The truly amazing thing was that he does ACTUALLY want to see me again!  Yes ladies and gentlemen - you did read that correctly.  I finally got DATE NUMBER TWO.  We are going to hang out this weekend if the schedules align or next week for sure. 

So break out the boxed wine y'all (I mean this isn't exactly worthy of your vintage Cabernet yet) and celebrate with me!  I am a happy princess at the moment!

I am a Warrior Princess!

NSo, most of you probably read my last post and said  "Psssh - whatevs - we KNOW you have no follow through!"  I mean it has been well document throughout this blog.

The funny thing about change is that is never going to happen until you are ready to let it happen.  Until you are actually in a frame of mind where this is it...it's now or never.    When Eminem's Lose Yourself starts playing in the back of your head and you know - YOU KNOW that it is time.

And it was.

So I bravely put on my jog bra, yoga capris, dryfit tshirt and my grabbed my water and headed to the gym.  I got all signed in and realized I had NO idea what I was doing.  The girl at the desk told me to just go for it - the machine were pretty self explanatory.  So I dabble for about 30 minutes got bored and went home.  30 later I get a call from someone at the gym saying she had heard I was lost and when could I come in to meet with her?  I explained that I didn't have the money for personal training just yet and she said that wasn't what she asked.  So I set up an appointment to meet with her that Saturday.  I went back one more time for a half an hour thinking I was doing good. 

Then I met Rachel.  I was ready to turn around and run for home.  She is this tiny, pretty,  blonde,  flawless thing.  I mean it too - she is training for her first fitness competition.  She weighed me (UGH really 158.5?) and ran me through drills to see what my level was (I was on level YOU SUCK - my words not hers - she is too nice to say such things) and it was determined that 120 pounds would be my goal at a pound a half dropped a week.  I loved her by the end of our meeting.  I plopped down my money to set her as my personal trainer and began my journey.

My first session got rescheduled twice, so it wasn't until the following Saturday did I actually get to meet with her for real training.  She scared me by sending me into the weight room for strength training. It is a scary room filled with hot guys and there I was all sweaty and pudgy and far from cute.  An hour later, my upper half was sufficiently on it's way to sore and I was given homework.  400 calories burned of cardio and I was given a schedule to follow.  400 calories - pshh - easy peasy charley.

But boy was I wrong!

Sunday, My ex rudely (ok, he was rather pleasant about it) awakened me on the couch at 5:30 in the morning and told me that I should get up and get my workout over with.  Sure it was Mother's Day and I wanted to sleep in, but I decided to drag myself out of bed and get it over with,  I got there and jumped my sleepy butt on the treadmill.  Worked my way up to an incline of 8 and a 4.1 MPH pace.  40 minutes later, I was exhausted, sweaty and still hadn't reached it.  I decided to knock the rest off on the stationary bike.  Mistake.  My legs were like jello and it was really hard to pedal those last 50.  I did though.  I did. Then I did another 400 calories cardio burn Monday even though my gluts hurt like the dickens (who knew you had butt muscles?  Apparently everyone but me!).  Tuesday I got a small break from the cardio because it was back for more of Rachel killing my upper half with strength training. Wednesday was another 400 calorie burn,  By the time I hit yesterday - I thought my hamstrings were going to break.  Never had my legs hurt that much.  I actually had to break down and buy some Bengay to put on the muscles so I could sleep.  Thankfully it was a rest day.  I thought about going in for Zumba, but I was too sore.  Instead, I stayed in with Bradley Cooper (God I love Redbox).

Yeah yeah yeah you say.  So it's only been two weeks you say.  Well you are correct, but I am seeing results.  The first training session we weighed me and I had lost a 1.5 pounds. This is what I am supposed to be losing per week. I have visible definition in my calves and my thighs are becoming firmer.  My stomach has gone down enough that if I look down - I see my toes instead of my stomach.  The only downside is the girls are getting smaller too. I will miss them the most!

So I really think this is something I will keep up.  I am determined.  I am holding myself accountable on Facebook.  By December - we should see a whole new me and who knows - maybe I will finally have a date for New Years.  The possibilities are endless because I am a WARRIOR PRINCESS!

I Just Hope I Keep the Donkey Booty...

I remember the conversation plain as day which is amazing since most days I barely remember my name.  I was at the bar with my mom and we were laughing with the female bartender who said something to the effect of "Chocolate - I laugh in your face.  I can eat whatever I want!"  I agreed with her and my mom said "just you wait until your metabolism slows down - then we'll see who is laughing!"   Being all of probably twenty four at the time - I probably rolled my eyes at her, slammed my drink and went traipsing off to the bathroom to see what I could hit on in my path.  I was tiny, cute and didn't have a weight care in the world.  I ate what I wanted and never thought twice.

I HATE when anybody is right - but especially my mom!

I had a period around thirty five where I ballooned out.  Everybody asked if I was pregnant and had to explain - No I'm just fat - thanks for reminding me.  Little did I know at the time I was pregnant and my little bundle of joy was the reason my boobs became something to marvel at even though the rest of me wasn't so much so.  Once I had Gman and started breast feeding, the weight melted off and for the first time ever I was a size 6 AND a C cup. I have been a size 6 before, but I had a tiny size A cup and padded bras so thick they could stop a bullet to make objects bigger than they appear. Yes, I would stare at my reflection the windows as I walked beccause I jiggled for the first time ever.

Then it happened.  Acute pains in my side.  I felt like a band was squeezing the life out of me.  I couldn't breathe.  I was running around the house looking like Melissa Gilbert portraying a young Helen Keller.  Not a politically correct description, but it is the closest visual I can create with words.  A trip to the ER and an ultrasound confirmed I had serious gall stones and that bad boy needed to come out.  A week later I was minus a supposedly useless organ and it was all down here from there.  The weight slowly crept back, but there was nothing I could do to lose it.  They say the gall bladder is kind of useless, but apparently my metabolism was linked to it. I allowed myself to fall into the vicious cycle of I'm depressed  because I am gaining weight, so I'll eat which will put on more weight which will depress me & rinse and repeat. So now at the tender age of 42, I am the not the heaviest I have ever been, but teetering on the brink of heading back there.

So in name of wholesale changes - one part at a time - I did the unthinkable.  I joined a gym and yes I did hear the collective gasp.  I realize that as I get older, the weight isn't going to come off any easier.  I realize that even though I do live in the most skewed society when it comes to looks; I may be stuck here for awhile and a size 12 is considered huge here.  I don't want to rock the fat chick tankini this year.  I'm tired of the really cute dresses not being so cute in an extra large.  I'm tired of not even getting a second glance when I go out with the girls.  I need to justify the $70 I just spent on new running shoes and the fact that they are pink and grey isn't justification enough.  I don't think I lost my mojo - I think it got swallowed by weight. 

So I have grand plans for my workout.  Zumba classes for cardio and strength training on off days.  I shall try to get my butt out of bed early to hit the gym since the evening doesn't always work when I am hijacked by Gman.  If the weight comes off, my running will be easier too and I won't feel so damn winded after two minutes.  My only fear is losing my boobs which unfortunately go down with the weight and my butt.  While I am not fond of the stomach roundness - I do enjoy my womanly curves!

I could also have possibly taken stalking to a new high or low depending on your perspective.  My housemate goes to the same gym and has offered to help me work out to reach my Union Jack bikini goal (although he doesn't know about the bikini goal).  I mean it is the name of friendship he offered and my asking for his help since he is a gym rat who works out twice a day had nothing to do with the fact that I MAY still have a SMALL thing for him. I need to get fit. We are just friends and the gym deal was too good to pass up since I still have income tax money left over.

You believe me right? 

Right?

Well no matter what - we'll see who has the last laugh when I reach my starting goal of size 7/8.

I Guess This is Growing Up?

I was trapped on the toilet.  Even though we are divorced - the rules of privacy in his household don't really seem to apply.  So while I was trying to do my business - the ex barges in and starts discussing a picture I had shown him three days ago.  "I think what is most disturbing is really how she was dressed.  I mean she is really attractive and I know you say she is in really good shape, but why then does she look like she just stepped out of the Goodwill bargain bin?"  "I mean look at you.  It has taken some time, but you have finally figured out how to put yourself together.  Long gone are those hideous orange shorts and look your cell phone cover even matches your top".  Then I uttered five words I could never take back.  I wanted to run to a church and clean myself in holy water. I wanted to shower in the hottest water and scrub those words away.  I wanted to be anywhere except there with my shorts at my ankles and an ex husband blocking the door.

"That's because I grew up."

Oh my gawd.  Did those words REALLY just come out of my mouth?  I mentally recoiled and plugged my ears with my fingers and started chanting LALALALALALA.  The ex then responded with "You do realize you are la la laaing yourself right?"  It was a harsh reality check but perhaps there was a speck of truth to it. Just a speck mind you.

I mean let's really take a good look at this.  I am forty two years old.  I have been published on two Midlife blogging Site seen here and here.  I was asked to join the WHOA Network today.  I have an almost seven year old son who ages me daily.  I have more grey hair then I really want to talk about, but it is covered nicely with the buttery shades of blonde I keep it. Heck, I am even wearing a polka dotted dress and pearls today. All these signs point to GROWN UP. 

Then I look to my left and see the Chocolate Fudge Pop Tart that I was going to allow to be my indulgence today before I found out I was getting pizza for lunch.  I pay $15.00 a month to play World of Warcraft and lament that my very first character STILL hasn't level capped yet.  Even though it is used more now for Netflix, I do have a PS3 and for quite awhile Harry Potter was my digital boyfriend.  My son's birthday party is being held at a trampoline park this year because it was amazeball fun for me and when he suggested he have it a bounce house facility - his dad and I both shot that immediately.  He wouldn't have let us play in the bounce houses - at seven - that's really embarrassing for you.  I still paint my nails very immature colors (iridescent grey anyone?).  How can I possibly think I am grown up?

The truth of the matter is I guess I am an immature adult and I am OK with that.  It is probably a very good reason as to why I am still single, but most things your average adult does doesn't interest me.  Sure I think I would love to go to wine tastings, spend a weekend in the desert with a bunch of friends or chair the PTA - but none of that is me.  Underneath the well coiffed hair, the put together outfits and the mostly well pedicured toes (this is So Cal after all and a bad pedi is one of the seven deadly sins) I am still just the shy dork who would rather be holed up in her room avoiding society and playing my video games.

So I guess growing up inevitable.  It happens to the best of us.  It isn't the worst thing in the world right?  Maybe?  Yeah I am not buying that either.  Excuse me now, I am going to warm up that pop tart.  If I go for my run - I can burn it off later!