Damn You Greg Behrendt

If you have learned anything about me in the past year and a half - you know that I tend to obsess just a wee bit and perhaps maybe I don't know how to leave well enough alone.  Anything that is mature or grown up is a foreign concept to me, and I have no patience when I want something.  Sadly, I am wired like a guy despite the fabulous hair and great rack.  The concept of feminine tends to be lost on me.  I never remember to close my legs in a skirt or dress getting out of the car, I never remember to let the man get the door for me and I go after what I want instead of demurely waiting for it to come to me.  Patti Stanger describes it as "male energy".

This makes my thing with the new guy VERY hard on me.  I'm torn between over analyzing every detail on the inside, while playing it cool on the outside.  It took me a really long time to warm up to the idea of letting him in.  Something seemed off.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but he was persistent. Yet as soon as I threw in the towel, all the promises made in the art of woo went floating away with the ocean breeze.  So when he attempted to waltz back in a few weeks ago I told him as long as he was serious - it was game on, otherwise don't waste my time.  Not that I have anything else going on in the romance department - but HE doesn't need to know that.  The problem is that the feeling of something off is still haunting me.  He acts like he is into me, but can't really make time for me.  Once again - it's me suggesting times and more times than not he isn't available.  When we did have plans for a Saturday; he decided to help a friend with his house and cancelled on me when it got late.  There was no mention of helping this friend when we made the original plans.  He never calls - he only texts even though I told him he could now. (When this whole thing started last year - he wasn't allowed to call because I was always at the ex's house.)

Yesterday he told me via text that he was spacing out the times we see each other so there was no burnout factor. WTF?  In all my years of dating and casual sex - NEVER has the thought of something burning out ever crossed my mind when something was new.  Am I just being my usual over analytical self?  I questioned him on it and have yet to get a response which makes me even more suspicious.

I blame Greg Behrendt, co-author of He's Just Not That Into You. If you are single lady and have not read this book - YOU MUST.  It is written by a former player who used every trick in the book and basically breaks it down for you.  It also spawned a movie of the same name that might possibly be my fav chick flick despite me generally hating chick flicks.  The bottom line message from the book is that if a guy really likes you and is indeed into you - he will make it happen  Now I know there are exceptions - but the problem is - we as women tend to think we are the exception; when the actuality of it is - we are the rule. 

I brought it up to the ex who shoots straight and doesn't sugar coat anything.  He said it's one of two things.  He is dating someone else too and doesn't want me to know.  This is no big deal to me - I expect it.  It's still new and no commitments have been made.  The ex said that guys don't want to deal with the jealously drama, so it's just easier to make stuff up that sounds good.  He also said the flip side is that maybe it's true, but then do I really want to date someone who has to be apart from me to want to be with me?  In the end he said the same thing - if he REALLY wanted to be with me - he'd be making it happen instead of excuses as to why it is not.

So now I'm stuck wondering what do I do?  I mean it isn't like I have men busting down my door to date me.  Do I wait it out and see what happens?  Do I blow him off the next time (if there is a next time) he decides he can make time and tell him I have a date?  Come on - I'm almost 43 years old.  These games don't seem much different then when I was in my twenties.

So here is the reader participation time.  What do YOU think I should do because obviously I am clueless!

Katheny Ever After (Minus the Skinnygirl - that SO isn't me)

My life is crazy.  That is all there is to it. I am like a poor woman's Bravo reality show with a mix of Girls.  Crazy ex who I am still in love with: Check.  Drama with an ex husband: Check. Child who wants to be famous: Check. Exotic Locale: Check. (Come on - Atlanta has two shows - what's one more Orange County Show).  Desperate Need of Patti Stanger?: Check.  Yeah I could totally have a hit on my hands. 

Season One would start with the fight with the ex.  He rudely made a reference to how I think I have it all together and then dare to declare it in my blog when I am so f'ing clueless.  After the initial sting (he is after all the king of go after something balls to the walls and then laying it to rest many dollars later when his passion for it faded), I found it funny because he has read the blog and should know that I am the first to proclaim I don't have a clue.  That is half the reason the blog is still going strong.  I use it as therapy, as a sounding board and as a story telling mechanism to try to make some sense of My So Called Life (Yes, I'm well aware I am no Clare Danes TYVM)..  There have been many a time where I just needed to get it out of my head and into words to try to make whatever I was dealing with make sense.  If you got a chuckle out of it, could relate or even gave you something to talk about or even think about - I am happy. I usually deal with things in a very self-deprecating and sarcastic manner.  I sometimes find it hard to take matters seriously because it isn't how I am wired to deal with matters.  This is why after a year and a half, my baby blog is growing as fast as my actual child.

Cut Scene: "I am TOTALLY clueless as to what I am doing - I am finally learning to work through it though."

Back Story: Last week was rough.  I nearly had a total psychotic breakdown.  Everything in my life was spinning out of control.  The kind of tailspin where you start crooning Jesus Take The Wheel because letting go is probably your best option. I drove my most patient friend crazy, almost torched a bridge and was pretty sure I would never speak to the ex again except for matters of the kiddo.  In the end though - I came out enlightened instead of more confused.  I emailed someone I wasn't supposed to, but it helped.  He calmed me down, but not once did I slip into the my usual "damnit you love me - deal with it and get on with it".  There was none of the "damnit, I love you and I don't know why you are so f'ing stubborn."  It was actually more like "I'm losing it - you are the only one who understands me when I get this way and that is all I need from you.  No matter what our feelings are - our paths are not destined to become one and I am OK with them running parallel for now."  I had huge text blow out with HH, who had the audacity to tell me I was mean and I hurt HIS feelings.  I went off the handle as usual, but for once (after guidance from my shoulder Devil who has been acting more like the shoulder Angel) - reeled it back in and salvaged whatever the hell we have going on.  I somehow even managed to work my way back into decent graces with my ex.

Brilliant Conclusion: I learned two very valuable lessons:

1) While I am TERRIFIED of being alone, I realize I am going to be that way for awhile and it is OK.  There are parts of me I think are broken and sometimes it's ok that it can't be fixed right away.  I need to focus on what I have going for me and work on improving the things that need minor adjustments instead of going for the wholesale changes.  

2) I am not terrified of the opposite sex and am not terrified of the prospect of sex.  It turns out that I was projecting a fear to mask the fact it isn't what I want deep down.  That isn't to say the desire isn't there - it is - but this whole HH fiasco is showing me that I don't really want him. I just want HIM to WANT me.  I want the adoration. I want the compliments. I want to be kissed and held and have my hair stroked while being told how beautiful I am.  I want to think that when I pass him as I am going out the door for a run - I will drive him to distraction. I just don't want to have to act on it.  While his naked backside is enough to make even the most stubborn gal weak; friend zone is probably our best bet. Granted there is a little more than friends, but less of anything else going on but still.  I mean I can kind of snap my fingers and have him do whatever bidding I so choose without him asking anything in return.  That kind of power can go to a gal's head though and I REALLY trying to keep that in check.  It is nice to know that I will never starve because he is always trying to bring me dinner.

Cutaway scene: I'm getting there - slowly but surely.  The journey isn't always fun and discovering your flaws suck.  In the meantime - I am going to continue just trying to figure this all out.

And Andy Cohen - if you are out there - CALL ME! I really think I could be Bravo gold!  I'm not sure it could be neatly wrapped up in a thirty minute segment, but I sure would have fun with the cut away interviews!