I Just Hope I Keep the Donkey Booty...

I remember the conversation plain as day which is amazing since most days I barely remember my name.  I was at the bar with my mom and we were laughing with the female bartender who said something to the effect of "Chocolate - I laugh in your face.  I can eat whatever I want!"  I agreed with her and my mom said "just you wait until your metabolism slows down - then we'll see who is laughing!"   Being all of probably twenty four at the time - I probably rolled my eyes at her, slammed my drink and went traipsing off to the bathroom to see what I could hit on in my path.  I was tiny, cute and didn't have a weight care in the world.  I ate what I wanted and never thought twice.

I HATE when anybody is right - but especially my mom!

I had a period around thirty five where I ballooned out.  Everybody asked if I was pregnant and had to explain - No I'm just fat - thanks for reminding me.  Little did I know at the time I was pregnant and my little bundle of joy was the reason my boobs became something to marvel at even though the rest of me wasn't so much so.  Once I had Gman and started breast feeding, the weight melted off and for the first time ever I was a size 6 AND a C cup. I have been a size 6 before, but I had a tiny size A cup and padded bras so thick they could stop a bullet to make objects bigger than they appear. Yes, I would stare at my reflection the windows as I walked beccause I jiggled for the first time ever.

Then it happened.  Acute pains in my side.  I felt like a band was squeezing the life out of me.  I couldn't breathe.  I was running around the house looking like Melissa Gilbert portraying a young Helen Keller.  Not a politically correct description, but it is the closest visual I can create with words.  A trip to the ER and an ultrasound confirmed I had serious gall stones and that bad boy needed to come out.  A week later I was minus a supposedly useless organ and it was all down here from there.  The weight slowly crept back, but there was nothing I could do to lose it.  They say the gall bladder is kind of useless, but apparently my metabolism was linked to it. I allowed myself to fall into the vicious cycle of I'm depressed  because I am gaining weight, so I'll eat which will put on more weight which will depress me & rinse and repeat. So now at the tender age of 42, I am the not the heaviest I have ever been, but teetering on the brink of heading back there.

So in name of wholesale changes - one part at a time - I did the unthinkable.  I joined a gym and yes I did hear the collective gasp.  I realize that as I get older, the weight isn't going to come off any easier.  I realize that even though I do live in the most skewed society when it comes to looks; I may be stuck here for awhile and a size 12 is considered huge here.  I don't want to rock the fat chick tankini this year.  I'm tired of the really cute dresses not being so cute in an extra large.  I'm tired of not even getting a second glance when I go out with the girls.  I need to justify the $70 I just spent on new running shoes and the fact that they are pink and grey isn't justification enough.  I don't think I lost my mojo - I think it got swallowed by weight. 

So I have grand plans for my workout.  Zumba classes for cardio and strength training on off days.  I shall try to get my butt out of bed early to hit the gym since the evening doesn't always work when I am hijacked by Gman.  If the weight comes off, my running will be easier too and I won't feel so damn winded after two minutes.  My only fear is losing my boobs which unfortunately go down with the weight and my butt.  While I am not fond of the stomach roundness - I do enjoy my womanly curves!

I could also have possibly taken stalking to a new high or low depending on your perspective.  My housemate goes to the same gym and has offered to help me work out to reach my Union Jack bikini goal (although he doesn't know about the bikini goal).  I mean it is the name of friendship he offered and my asking for his help since he is a gym rat who works out twice a day had nothing to do with the fact that I MAY still have a SMALL thing for him. I need to get fit. We are just friends and the gym deal was too good to pass up since I still have income tax money left over.

You believe me right? 

Right?

Well no matter what - we'll see who has the last laugh when I reach my starting goal of size 7/8.

I Guess This is Growing Up?

I was trapped on the toilet.  Even though we are divorced - the rules of privacy in his household don't really seem to apply.  So while I was trying to do my business - the ex barges in and starts discussing a picture I had shown him three days ago.  "I think what is most disturbing is really how she was dressed.  I mean she is really attractive and I know you say she is in really good shape, but why then does she look like she just stepped out of the Goodwill bargain bin?"  "I mean look at you.  It has taken some time, but you have finally figured out how to put yourself together.  Long gone are those hideous orange shorts and look your cell phone cover even matches your top".  Then I uttered five words I could never take back.  I wanted to run to a church and clean myself in holy water. I wanted to shower in the hottest water and scrub those words away.  I wanted to be anywhere except there with my shorts at my ankles and an ex husband blocking the door.

"That's because I grew up."

Oh my gawd.  Did those words REALLY just come out of my mouth?  I mentally recoiled and plugged my ears with my fingers and started chanting LALALALALALA.  The ex then responded with "You do realize you are la la laaing yourself right?"  It was a harsh reality check but perhaps there was a speck of truth to it. Just a speck mind you.

I mean let's really take a good look at this.  I am forty two years old.  I have been published on two Midlife blogging Site seen here and here.  I was asked to join the WHOA Network today.  I have an almost seven year old son who ages me daily.  I have more grey hair then I really want to talk about, but it is covered nicely with the buttery shades of blonde I keep it. Heck, I am even wearing a polka dotted dress and pearls today. All these signs point to GROWN UP. 

Then I look to my left and see the Chocolate Fudge Pop Tart that I was going to allow to be my indulgence today before I found out I was getting pizza for lunch.  I pay $15.00 a month to play World of Warcraft and lament that my very first character STILL hasn't level capped yet.  Even though it is used more now for Netflix, I do have a PS3 and for quite awhile Harry Potter was my digital boyfriend.  My son's birthday party is being held at a trampoline park this year because it was amazeball fun for me and when he suggested he have it a bounce house facility - his dad and I both shot that immediately.  He wouldn't have let us play in the bounce houses - at seven - that's really embarrassing for you.  I still paint my nails very immature colors (iridescent grey anyone?).  How can I possibly think I am grown up?

The truth of the matter is I guess I am an immature adult and I am OK with that.  It is probably a very good reason as to why I am still single, but most things your average adult does doesn't interest me.  Sure I think I would love to go to wine tastings, spend a weekend in the desert with a bunch of friends or chair the PTA - but none of that is me.  Underneath the well coiffed hair, the put together outfits and the mostly well pedicured toes (this is So Cal after all and a bad pedi is one of the seven deadly sins) I am still just the shy dork who would rather be holed up in her room avoiding society and playing my video games.

So I guess growing up inevitable.  It happens to the best of us.  It isn't the worst thing in the world right?  Maybe?  Yeah I am not buying that either.  Excuse me now, I am going to warm up that pop tart.  If I go for my run - I can burn it off later!

I Must Be a Glutton for Punishment

The ex and I got into a fight.  It's cool - we were more than due.  I had been there for a week straight as I was hiding out from my housemate who was probably oblivious to that fact.  I was sent home at 8:30 in the morning and I went straight back to bed.  I slept until 1:00 pm.  That was CRAZY.  I can't tell you the last time I slept like that which didn't involve me being sick. Having skipped breakfast and fairly certain I would skip dinner; I treated myself to an amazing cheeseburger and vanilla malt then watched Hope Spring because I love Tommy Lee Jones.  Oh yeah, I also had a date.  Believe me when I tell you - the cheeseburger was the highlight of the day.

I am trying to be more opening minded in dating adventures. I normally don't date outside my ethnicity.  Growing up in the Midwest; your exposure to other cultures was minimal save for the odd foreign exchange student who was cooler than you anyways. I just find myself more attracted to white men.  Sorry if that offends.  Code Name Hot Chocolate was Asian and the guy who is trying to test my cougar boundaries is Hispanic.  That is adventurous as I have been dating outside the average white guy.  So when a Persian attorney suggested we go out for a walk on the beach, I decided to go outside my comfort zone and go for it.  I mean at least we had the legal connection in common. I won't go into the fact that I am bit irked by the fact that Persia has been Iran since 1935, so he couldn't possibly be PERSIAN at the age of 40, but that is probably just ignorance on my American Caucasian part.  It was doomed from the start.

He was an hour late.  He said his dog threw up in the car.  My time is valuable (I had laundry that I was waiting to do - hello!).  Both scenarios were off putting.  He showed up in a BMW.  I HATE BMW drivers.  They all seem to have such a sense of entitlement even if it's a crappy 3 Series that is the laughing stock of the manufacturer.  He got out of his car to open my door and his moobs were bigger than mine.  This is saying a lot because I rock an awesome C cup.  Hot on me - not on him.  I was stuck though - so I figured I'd make the best of it and have come up with an excuse to end it early.  I then found out we were meeting one of his friends.  OK, so now I am dealing with a pukey dog, an unattractive, overweight, BMW driving, self entitled jerk who invites a friend on a date?  UGH.  He really was a jerk too outside the typical Beemer driver.  Road rage and total anger issues.  All he talked about was Persian this & Persian that, how crappy California was compared to Texas and then dared to insult my state of Ohio.  Yes it isn't as prestigious as California, but I was born and raised there you moron - show some respect.  After he and his friend argued about bathrooms, I told him I had just gotten a text from the ex and needed to go home to care for my son.  I couldn't have gotten out of the situation fast enough. 

So my plan for a great Sunday out to get my mind of the stupid housemate was a dismal failure yet again.  Why do I keep subjecting myself to this?  Oh yeah - because I write a blog about being single!  The night wasn't a total loss though - I did get my laundry done and there was a Duck Dynasty marathon on.  At least I fell asleep with a hot guy even if it was on the TV (Jase is Rednecklicious!)

Digging Myself Back Out of Yet Another Hole

Maybe as a woman, or maybe as woman writer - MAYBE I embellish my stories just a little bit.  Maybe to make them more interesting or make myself seem a tad greater than I may actually be. I mean who knew a personal catharsis would turn into something that was read by 400+ readers a month right?

So MAYBE when I said I was fine with just being friends with my housemate - maybe I embellished a wee bit?  Then again, it could have just taken a day or two to sink and for me to realize that it wasn't what I wanted. It really wasn't.   In thirty days time; he managed to navigate through my wall.  This is no easy task as it is high and wide.  I don't let people get close to me - it's a protection measure.  He was the first man in two years since the separation and subsequent divorce that I did allow to get close.  It took Man Whore about three months to get me out of my room and even be social if I wanted to put this into perspective. If I could jump into my hot tub time machine, I would go back and change last Sunday. It was all just too much for my chemically altered brain to take in that morning though and I couldn't handle it.  I should have just left well enough alone (which is something I just don't know how to do).  When I wasn't with him, I wanted to be.  All I could think about was kissing him  I was as pathetic as a school girl with a crush.

I thought things were going to be OK.  I texted him to tell him we were good and if it was meant to be, it still would be later as he has quite a few personal issues to sort out.  I saw him briefly the following day, said hi, hugged him goodbye and went about my evening.  The problem is he looked good and smelled amazing as he always does.  A few flirty texts later, he stopped texting back and I didn't hear from him for a few days.  When I finally did make it back home for a night, I sent him a text asking what he was up to and he replied with "Hi roomie, just prepping for tomorrow".  Hi roomie?  OUCH.  That was a very blatant "I have distanced myself from this completely".  I asked if he wanted to hang out and he told me no he was going to bed.  DOUBLE OUCH - dissed and lied to.  He NEVER goes to be before 11:00 pm.  EVER.  Roger Dodger - message received loud and clear.  I went to bed smarting, but not defeated.  My new found clarity wouldn't let me be defeated.  Never trust that though.  When you think it isn't going to get worse - it does.

I saw him Saturday and he didn't even look up or acknowledge me even though I was greeted by the owners of the house. Flash forward to last night.  My son is on spring break, so I have been spending a lot of time with him these past couple of days.  We swung by my house to get clothes for the follow day and saw that the housemates SUV was there.  Not a big deal - chances are he was in his room and I wouldn't have to see him.  WRONG.  I walk in and he is in an embrace with a brunette in the dining room.  Gman and I made a beeline into my room.  I was flustered to say the least.  I tried to gather my clothes as fast as I could because I really didn't want to be there and felt sick to my stomach.  As we were leaving, he said hi and I managed to squeak out a overly sweet hello and we dashed out.  Of course being as flustered as I was, I realized that after we ran our errands and had to go back out again to return the Redbox rental that I had left my pants at home and had to go back. <FACEPALM>.  I told my son to go upstairs to his place and I trekked back to my place feeling nauseated to say the least.  When I got there, he was cooking her dinner and they were being all flirty. It was THEN I was finally defeated.  I deleted him and his bunny eared contact photo that I adored from my phone.  I had to because I was too tempted to send a text telling him not to come in HER eye as it would be bad form since she was playing with his phone.  Of course that would have made me look bad and well I do have more class than that.

That's OK though.  So what if she wasn't even pretty and he took NO time to move on?  It was something that was nothing right?  Well they say revenge is a dish best served cold.  I disagree.  I think it is a dish best served served hot - especially if the dish is a hot Latin 27 year old who I think may finally get his chance.  Petty?  Yes.  Yes it is, but all is fair in love and housemate war and I am far to good of a catch to allow myself to be defeated!  So stay tuned to see if I actually cross the cougar line!

The Fog Has Lifted

I have really made no secret about my mental health and stability.  This has been a particularly stressful month for me and it's sobering when you are told by your child that you make him nervous because he is afraid of how you will react to any situation. So at my last doctor's appointment it was recommended that I perhaps go onto an anti-depressant.  This is a proposition that made me a little nervous.  I was put on Prozac after the birth of my son and the hardest part was dealing with the clarity.  I am not a positive person; in fact I am usually waiting for the other shoe to drop. So when I would wake up and not be filled with the normal dread of the day - it was really hard to deal with.  I eventually just stopped taking it.  I went on it again a few years later, but couldn't deal with the lethargy. So I really had to consider whether this is something that I wanted to do.  I decided for my sanity's sake that this is something I should probably do. When even my most patient best friend was at her wits end with me - it was sort of a no brainer.

So I found myself fighting with the ex like I never had.  I found myself trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my housemate.  I found myself just trying to figure out what was going on with me.  So one tiny pink pill went down the hatch and oh boy.  I took the first one at 7 pm.  By 10:00 I was out cold.  I slept straight through until my alarm.  This is saying a lot.  My bedroom is in the front of the house and my window in very near the front door.  There is an alarm that goes off every time it is opened announcing FRONT DOOR.  Said door also has a coiled reindeer on the knob that the dog loves.  So every time the door opens not only does the alarm make it's announcement, the reindeer makes this obnoxious sproingy sound.  Couple that with the fact that there is also a wrought iron gate right outside my window that leads to the front door.  So when someone comes home there is the clang of the gate, the alarm announcement and the sproingy reindeer and the equals to rarely a good night sleep.  Especially since one housemate smokes outside the gate and another one is a cab driver who comes and goes at all hours.  I was totally zonked.  This lethargy lasted through Sunday.  This may or may not have worked in the favor of the housemate.

I love this quote from Hannah on Girls  “I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.”  Prior to Saturday - I really thought that is what I wanted.  Prior to Saturday this is what I had.  A hot guy to snuggle up to without the complications of a relationship.  Saturday night I was still in my Celexa fog.  He came in, we talked a little and I broke the rules.  I kissed him  I couldn't help it. He smelled so good.  His voice was soothing,  He left and I texted him to not come back,  I simply wasn't in a good headspace.  He did any way. He pulled me in close and fell asleep and I just went with it.  I couldn't sleep though.  In fact I was up most of the night.  I realized this isn't what I wanted.  I was finally able to sleep once I pulled myself away from his grip.  Morning came and I told him I was too hot, I didn't feel good and he needed to leave.  He got up and said "Thank you for being you.  You make me a better person."  I told him to shut up and no I didn't.  He said I did and left.  10 minutes later he walks back in and tells me he lost his phone and tried to kiss me.  I told him I needed space and would call his phone to help him find it.  I did, he did and then calls to tell me he found it and told me he loved me.  WHAT?  OK I was not ready for that.  Ugh,  My head hurt, I was foggy and that wasn't what I needed. A few minutes later I get a text telling me that he needs me.   This is the same guy who told me the night before he didn't want to date anyone. 10 minutes later he walks into my room again and was received by a very stern "What the hell, do you never knock?"  I told him I needed to process this and it wasn't a good time and he said there was nothing to process.  Right now I was the one whose company he preferred and couldn't he just hold me?  Everything would be ok, just lay down and stop over processing.  OBVIOUSLY he doesn't know me - that is something I can't do.  So I am laying there.  Trapped, confused and hallelujah my son called.  Saved by the cell.

I had my escape finally.  As we left,  I reiterated I didn't understand this.  I was confused.  I mean this isn't nothing, but isn't something and I needed definition.  He told me that it was something and that we needed to just figure out what that was.  He kissed me and them lambasted me for turning away from immediately.  He left and I really still had no idea what was going on.  He sent me a few more text messages that were light hearted.  I sent him one that said that I really liked him in a way neither of us were comfortable with and it scared me.  He texted back that he really liked me to and he was also scared.  Later he texted me asking when I was coming home.  I informed him I wasn't going to be there tonight and just needed to process.  He informed me there was nothing to process.  We were just snuggle buddies.  WHAT?  This morning he loved me and needed me and now we are snuggle buddies?  I thought about it and realized that I was no longer in my fog,  My head was clear.  I realized I didn't care.  I sent him a text asking why he was paying for a dating site when he had a girl he was crazy about but too stubborn to admit and against my judgement was rather sweet on him.  He tried to call and I didnt' take it.  I didn't need to.

I have positive clarity for the first time in a long time.  For the first time ever I am not scared of it.  My life is my own.  I don't need a guy who wants to pretend I'm a girlfriend at night, but doesn't want to have to be a boyfriend during the day.  Who will take a girl out from the internet, but won't take me out?  I thought I needed his validation because he told me I was pretty and smart and smelled good.  I know this - I really don't need to hear it anymore.  So my hot housemate can take all the time he needs to figure it all out and I'm ok that my bed is really too big for one person.  For the first time ever - I am not afraid to be alone.  I am actually looking forward to it and to discovering who I really am. I can take this time to figure out what I really want and when the time is right I will be able to find the right guy.  Hot housemate probably isn't it.

Now I just need to tell him all this.....

Katheny Ever After (Minus the Skinnygirl - that SO isn't me)

My life is crazy.  That is all there is to it. I am like a poor woman's Bravo reality show with a mix of Girls.  Crazy ex who I am still in love with: Check.  Drama with an ex husband: Check. Child who wants to be famous: Check. Exotic Locale: Check. (Come on - Atlanta has two shows - what's one more Orange County Show).  Desperate Need of Patti Stanger?: Check.  Yeah I could totally have a hit on my hands. 

Season One would start with the fight with the ex.  He rudely made a reference to how I think I have it all together and then dare to declare it in my blog when I am so f'ing clueless.  After the initial sting (he is after all the king of go after something balls to the walls and then laying it to rest many dollars later when his passion for it faded), I found it funny because he has read the blog and should know that I am the first to proclaim I don't have a clue.  That is half the reason the blog is still going strong.  I use it as therapy, as a sounding board and as a story telling mechanism to try to make some sense of My So Called Life (Yes, I'm well aware I am no Clare Danes TYVM)..  There have been many a time where I just needed to get it out of my head and into words to try to make whatever I was dealing with make sense.  If you got a chuckle out of it, could relate or even gave you something to talk about or even think about - I am happy. I usually deal with things in a very self-deprecating and sarcastic manner.  I sometimes find it hard to take matters seriously because it isn't how I am wired to deal with matters.  This is why after a year and a half, my baby blog is growing as fast as my actual child.

Cut Scene: "I am TOTALLY clueless as to what I am doing - I am finally learning to work through it though."

Back Story: Last week was rough.  I nearly had a total psychotic breakdown.  Everything in my life was spinning out of control.  The kind of tailspin where you start crooning Jesus Take The Wheel because letting go is probably your best option. I drove my most patient friend crazy, almost torched a bridge and was pretty sure I would never speak to the ex again except for matters of the kiddo.  In the end though - I came out enlightened instead of more confused.  I emailed someone I wasn't supposed to, but it helped.  He calmed me down, but not once did I slip into the my usual "damnit you love me - deal with it and get on with it".  There was none of the "damnit, I love you and I don't know why you are so f'ing stubborn."  It was actually more like "I'm losing it - you are the only one who understands me when I get this way and that is all I need from you.  No matter what our feelings are - our paths are not destined to become one and I am OK with them running parallel for now."  I had huge text blow out with HH, who had the audacity to tell me I was mean and I hurt HIS feelings.  I went off the handle as usual, but for once (after guidance from my shoulder Devil who has been acting more like the shoulder Angel) - reeled it back in and salvaged whatever the hell we have going on.  I somehow even managed to work my way back into decent graces with my ex.

Brilliant Conclusion: I learned two very valuable lessons:

1) While I am TERRIFIED of being alone, I realize I am going to be that way for awhile and it is OK.  There are parts of me I think are broken and sometimes it's ok that it can't be fixed right away.  I need to focus on what I have going for me and work on improving the things that need minor adjustments instead of going for the wholesale changes.  

2) I am not terrified of the opposite sex and am not terrified of the prospect of sex.  It turns out that I was projecting a fear to mask the fact it isn't what I want deep down.  That isn't to say the desire isn't there - it is - but this whole HH fiasco is showing me that I don't really want him. I just want HIM to WANT me.  I want the adoration. I want the compliments. I want to be kissed and held and have my hair stroked while being told how beautiful I am.  I want to think that when I pass him as I am going out the door for a run - I will drive him to distraction. I just don't want to have to act on it.  While his naked backside is enough to make even the most stubborn gal weak; friend zone is probably our best bet. Granted there is a little more than friends, but less of anything else going on but still.  I mean I can kind of snap my fingers and have him do whatever bidding I so choose without him asking anything in return.  That kind of power can go to a gal's head though and I REALLY trying to keep that in check.  It is nice to know that I will never starve because he is always trying to bring me dinner.

Cutaway scene: I'm getting there - slowly but surely.  The journey isn't always fun and discovering your flaws suck.  In the meantime - I am going to continue just trying to figure this all out.

And Andy Cohen - if you are out there - CALL ME! I really think I could be Bravo gold!  I'm not sure it could be neatly wrapped up in a thirty minute segment, but I sure would have fun with the cut away interviews!

Casual Dating 1.0

For some reason I cannot escape the attractive housemate. I seem to collect them like some people collect stamps, coins or Birkin bags (this is So Cal after all). When I moved into my current household, I thought I had escaped it for once. I had met two of the three men who lived there and there was no attraction whatsoever. It was a relief after a year and half of living with Man Whore and his entourage. When I finally met the third man, I stopped in my tracks. I immediately texted a friend "OMFG my last housemate is freaking HOT". The kind of hot that if I brought him to a work function - the catty office girls would be dying to know how I got him. I was never home enough to charm him though and in the past six months I've seen him minimally.

Well in recent weeks I have been spending a lot of time home. When I had my Geek Boy over, Hot Housemate (HH from here on out) knocked on my door asking if I needed the bathroom for any reason because he was overtaking it for awhile to shave his head. I thought nothing of it. After Geek Boy left, I ran into HH in the hall & made small talk about his shaved head and thus began the flirting (ok MAYBE I was rubbing his head while talking to him).  We exchanged numbers and decided we would hang out sometime. That seemed innocent enough; Man Whore I did it all the time.  He'd drink whatever he had on hand, I'd drink my wine and we'd watch the Lakers, Pawn Stars or just hang out and talk.

Within 5 minutes of the exchange he was wanting to come in my room and hang out and I shut him down.  I'm getting old because at that exact moment sleep > hot guy.  Yes my priorities can be skewered.

Fast forward to a week later. After much discussion with the Devil on shoulder, it was decided that I must go after him.  Even if it was in a clean the pipes capacity - my ego needed this.  I sent him a text apologizing for the week before if I had come off rude and suggested maybe we could hang out next week.  Again - I'm thinking something platonic; something let's get to know each other first.  I'm deeply engrossed in a Bethany Ever After marathon and he knocked on my door.  I let him in which was probably a mistake.  He came in, swept my covers aside, swept the hair off my neck (which I will never admit to anyone except all thirty of you who may read this - that was kind of a turn on) and lunged into me.  I froze.  Then I threw him out of my room.  I wasn't really prepared for that kind of bravado.  I spent the next few days afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of running into him.

Flash forward another week.  After more counseling with my Devil; I texted him asking him what his idea of hanging out was because he obviously wasn't on par with mine.  He apologized and told me we would just be friends.  A few days later I saw that he was overhauling his room and was sent into a panic.  It looked like he was moving out before I overcame my fear of the opposite sex.   I texted him to find out what was up and it turned out he was just spring cleaning. This lead to more flirting which lead to him offering to make me dinner the following week and we'd watch a movie.  Yes, I know exactly what Let's Watch a Movie is code for, but it was decided he was going to be my rebound and well I was getting a cooked meal out of it.  Besides, I have been in control this whole time and really nothing would happen that I didn't truly sanction.

Flash forward 4 days later.  We hung out and I helped him set up his laptop as I am woman of very many talents you know. We talked and got to know each other a little bit and I knew how the night was supposed to end.  Little did I know it would end up as what was detailed in my last post.  Oh did I forget to mention that the subject is literally six steps from my door?  Whoops my bad.  So it was then my turn to friend zone him. A few text messages the next day and I thought we were good.  The problem is, fully clothed he is a really nice guy and well this is shallow but also just disarmingly attractive.  It reminds me of this scene from Crazy Stupid Love (which is the only chick flick i will admit I like.)

So Friends Zone it is.  Saturday I had a rare day home.  I rented Argo and texted him to see if he wanted to see it, but he had to promise me he would be on good behavior and would stay clothed.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  He told me he had to work late and I told him too bad because I would probably half way to asleep when he got home.  Twenty minutes later he told me he was going to get off early and I jokingly told him to bring me dinner home because I was starving. An hour and a half later, I have this hot guy dressed in a white shirt and tie delivering me my favorite pizza and a two liter of Coke.  Pizza will ALWAYS win you points in my book.  We ate dinner, he took a shower and I frumped myself up with fleece pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt.  Then we watched the movie.  He curled me into his side, wrapped his arm around me and fell asleep for the first half and behaved completely the second half. There was some caressing of my hair and such, but nothing that crossed the line. When it was over - I told him it was bedtime and he gave me a small kiss goodnight, told me I was his favorite friend and left. FRIEND ZONE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED sort of.  I spent the next few hours tossing and turning because - well I really didn't want to kick him out.

The next day I texted him telling him that it if it weren't for the fact that I would have to change EVERYTHING about him sexually, I could totally buy into this.  That led to a discussion of what a selfish, vulgar jerk I thought he was in bed and was informed he isn't always that way and if I didn't like it - he'd change it for me.  What - a man actually saying he would change?  Could it be that the neanderthal from a few nights ago could actually be molded?  We kind of decided that neither of us are really in a place for a fully committed attachment.  I expressed what I wanted out of it, he expressed what he wanted out of and it was agreed we'd just see what happened.

So thus begins the chapter of casual dating with no current commitment,  Yes I know that I am probably playing with fire because I will probably fall for him but I am almost positive I will be able to pull the plug on it when it ceases to be fulfilling for me.  I know that things will be fine until he is actually dumb enough to bring someone home under the no commitment terms and I go internally psychotic.  Don't worry though.  He may be hot, but I still have an equally hot 15 years younger than him guy I have kept stewing on the back burner just waiting for his chance and nothing fights fire like fire!  But in all seriousness - I am curious to see where this goes.  I am taking a big step in my path of moving on. My good friend Tim put it this way  - "Sometimes we eat for sustenance and sometimes we eat for gluttony. Fruits and veggies are noble foods and are good for you while they take away hunger. Cheetos can do the same thing... Maybe he's just a Cheeto"  Time will tell if he is a Cheeto or bacon wrapped Filet Mignon.  If you will excuse me now I have to go hit the vending machine because I cannot stop thinking about Cheetos and dreading the run I have to do later to burn some of those calories!

Update 12:30 AM

And as quickly as it opened; so closes the chapter on Casual Dating.  I guess he isn't Cheetos or Filet Mignon.  The funny thing about a small house with thin walls is you can hear everything that goes on behind them.  I was blissfully ignorant and finally getting some sleep until he walked down the hall on the phone speaking rather loudly....to some woman from his past....begging her for a commitment...promising her the girl he had been texting over the weekend didn't mean anything which fully woke me up. The only thing I hate more than being disturbed while watching a movie - is being woken from a good sleep, so needless to say my mood was foul and a little dramatic. I pulled the plug. just like I promised I would when it wasn't fufilling.  It is fine, but I'm not going to be the be the one who fills in the space when whoever she is isn't around.  He wasn't my type and I was being swayed by my own shallowness and neediness into something that I knew I didn't want in hopes of it turning into something I did. I deserve better than that and am finally mature enough to realize it.  Just glad I found it out sooner than later. 

NEXT!

Forget About Yours, What About Mine?

When I was young, if you were a boy and you found your dad's stash of Playboy magazines - you thought you hit the jackpot.  Many a boy read National Geographic because in some cultures women don't wear tops and it free access to women's breasts without being scolded. In high school we played Sexual Trivia in basements at parties not really having any clue what we were talking about.  Most of us had barely gotten to third base.  There were a few that had sex, but even then it was about fumbling and learning as you go. 

Now we are in the age of Internet and the innocence of our youth is slowly dissipating into the porn culture.  We have all done it- tried to do an innocent search such as farm animals and accidentally came across something that made us proclaim "WOAH MAMA" as we turn the Ipad sideways to figure out how that is humanly possible while shielding the young ones eyes from such a spectacle.  We have to be mindful of what we let our children do online because even something as innocent as a music video has themes way too adult for my seven year old son to watch even if the song plays non-stop on the radio.

So now as the mother of a boy who will one day grow up and have his own sexual experiences - it is my duty when he is older to help him understand  that porn is just a grown up movie meant to solicit a feeling of arousal when watching it.  That it is pure entertainment and not meant to be used as a how to guide. That most women will never perform on par with or enjoy ninety percent of what goes on in porn. That when the female says NO, you stop. That even in a sexual capacity, their partner deserves respect. They deserve to be listened to and their requests understood. That there are repercussions that go further than just getting a girl pregnant such as why date rape is never ok.  Three families in Stuebenville, Ohio lives will never be the same because two boys lacked the common sense to respect a drunk girl who was really too incapacitated for her own good.  Our culture has become so sexualized that is seems at times what is right and wrong has become a blur. 

No matter how hard we try to protect them from it - they are going to find a way to circumvent out attempts and will hit their virtual jackpot.  They will pour over the Internet pages of women getting done six sides of Sunday, just like guys of my generation poured over the Playboy contraband they scored.  What is scary though is that kids these days are becoming insensitive to what the reality of sex is.  They will think that every woman is ready to go  at their disposal.  That she will enjoy being showered with a happy ending and enjoy the warm sticky secretion that he so proudly sprayed all over her.  That a woman will enjoy having every orifice stuffed, will beg for more and will have a rocking screaming, orgasm every 10 minutes.  They will think that women are objects for their pleasure and that sex in the pornos is how it is supposed to be.

Now don't get me wrong.  I have watched my fair share of porn and even have a specific genre that does it for me.  I am not  a total prude even if I am terrified of getting naked in front of a stranger.  I know the difference though between what is real and what someone is getting paid a lot of money to do on camera.  Having sex with someone who is smack dab in the middle of this porn culture is not enjoyable because they seem to forget the difference.  The man was so focused on what was going on with him - I swore there was a camera crew in the room I was missing.  He was talking crudely, making guttural noises and performing at a level that put my best faked orgasm to shame.  All I could think of was Shoshana on Girls "Get out of me now" and Natalia "I am not going to say that.  I can like your cock without being a dirty whore".  (side note Girls is one of the best shows out there - back to my rant now) He never realized that I was laying there like a dead starfish for twenty minutes while he was going through what seemed to be some tribal mating ritual.  By the time it was done - I was pretty sure with some investigation - I could have found that exact scenario online - minus her laying there cursing him mentally for not prematurely ejaculating. In porn, women never play the starfish card.  This was not a guy who was willing to fumble to figure it out what was working for me. It was someone who must have seen something somewhere, heard what he thought was good dialogue and hoped by the time he was done his invitation to the AVN awards would be in the mail.  He was so in tune to his porn culture that even when I slipped up and sent him a text meant for my best friend detailing just how bad it was - he still wanted to cook me dinner next week and try again.  In porn - there are no bad scripted experiences.  There is no friend zone. 

I don't live in that culture though and until he can get his mind back into reality and realize that his partner is more than just a vessel for his erection - we are not going back down that path.  Sure - he can cook me dinner next week.  Sure, we can Redbox a movie, but it is well documented that I don't like to be interrupted while watching one. I think this guy bit off more than he can chew with me.  I am too old to train a forty one year old boy to be a man.  I shall not be swayed by an extremely hot neanderthal who is a nice guy fully clothed. This might have been a step towards finding my long lost inner diva and I got a blog post out of it - so I guess I did get mine after all!

I Met Someone...

Oh dear - I really hope you didn't break open the boxed wine in celebration.  The title is a wee bit misleading. 

I mean I did meet someone.  I went to great lengths to make that happen.  A long while back I had signed up at a geek dating site.  It seems I am too out there or the mainstream ones - so I thought I would try one a little closer to my personality.  There was a guy who winked at me, but never said anything to me and I decided if he wasn't going to say anything - I wasn't going to act on it.  Flash forward to a few weeks later.  I found a dating site specifically geared towards people who play the same video game I do. I signed up there too thinking that if I can't make a connection there - I really need to hang it up.  I mean - I think I'm pretty hot for a geek.  Lo and behold - I found the same guy there.  I decided to take a closer look and found it said that we live in the same city, he WASN'T in his twenties and we had an insane amount of things in common.  He was kind of cute too so I decided I needed to talk to this guy.  So I sent him a message.  His inbox was full.  I went back to the original geek site.  His account had been deleted.  I had been thwarted.  Of course I had no way to contact a very great match.  This the luck of me. 

So I thought about it for a few days and realized he had his email address listed on the gaming site.  Now I have done some stupid things in my day, but pushing the boundaries of cyberstalking is not one of them.  Well it wasn't until Tuesday at least.  I decided I would email his personal email address after all.  Best case scenario - he responds.  Worst - he doesn't.  I made a brief introduction referencing the the geek site and gave him my Facebook link to prove I wasn't a porn spammer.    Twenty minutes later I had a friends request from him and thus began the chat.  Lots of things were discussed and I made sure to establish that this wasn't sexual in nature.  He told me that he would actually like a girlfriend, so he was ok with the fact this wasn't about casual sex.  This guy seemed to me like and that he could be boyfriend potential - not just a pipe cleaning potential as it were.

Two days of nonstop chatting led to the request of a gaming date for Friday night.  He'd pick me up with my laptop, we'd watch a movie, play some World of Warcraft and just hang out.  This didn't seem like a bad night to me since I would've been sitting home playing anyways.  In fact it seemed like a pretty damn fun night to me. He had wanted to me to spend the night only under the pretext of if he was drinking - he wouldn't want to drive me home.  This didn't sit well, but I wasn't ready to address it quite yet.  That evening he texted me and said he in in the area and how about he stopped by for a meet and greet?  That would take the awkward edge of the following evening. I was already in my going for a run gear and warned him I really didn't have time to cute myself up but sure - come on over.  So there I was in my ponytail, leggings, tank top and jog bra letting some guy I am trying to impress come over.  Obviously I hadn't really thought this through, but there was nothing I could do because he was less than five minutes away.  Mad dash to make the bed, shove everything I could in the closet, hide the sex toys (ok - not really on that last part) and the next thing I know - I am coaching him as to where my house on the corner of the main street is and arguing what constitutes two blocks. 

He was tall - I came up to the top of his ribcage at best.  He was cute and was dressed in a casual style.  Basic jacket, Vans, t-shirt and jeans.  I had There is Something About Mary on in the background because well I am pretty sure the Vanderpump Rules Reunion Special that I was watching would have sent him running for the hills.  I of course was my stupidly shy self, but not as much as usual.  He rambled a lot and  I was content to listen because that meant I didn't have to talk about myself.  Except for the fact he was a smoker which is usually kills it on the spot - I thought he was pretty cool.  It is very rare for me to meet someone who not only plays the two main games I do, but also likes the same anime, loves Star Wars and just shared my overall geekiness too.  I was willing to overlook the smoking part because I had just found my near perfect match.  We hung out for about an hour and he decided to take off.  He didn't try to kiss me or do anything inappropriate.  We hugged goodbye and he reminded me to make sure I had my power cord for my laptop.  Nothing kills a great gaming episode like a dead battery.

I texted him later that night, but he didn't respond.  I let it go and fell asleep to the repeat of the Vanderpump Rules Reunion (I don't think I am ever going to get to see it in it's entirety).  At 1:15 am I get a Facebook message from his saying "Sex Tomorrow?"  Now I leave my phone on at night because I don't live with my son.  Not that I think that anything is going to happen to him, I just prefer to have it on just in case. I am accustomed to certain emails coming in around midnight and have trained myself to not notice those. So I really didn't appreciate being woken up at with such a ridiculous question when sex wasn't even on the table to start with.  I gave him grief over it in the morning and he said he was only kidding.  There would be no sex.  I then told him that I still really wanted to hang out that night - I just didn't want to spend the night.  He doesn't live exactly close and even under the context of a platonic couch surf - I wasn't comfortable with the idea of it.  He said he understood and maybe another time.  I suggested since he was going to pick me up anyways - why not just bring the movie and we could watch it at my place?  I never heard from him again.  I suspect he didn't want to come back to my place because of the housemates even though we all keep to ourselves.  What I don't know is why he refuses to talk to me - but hasn't unfriended me on Facebook.  I didn't cancel on him, tried to make other arrangements to counteract the spend the night factor - but he won't respond to anything I send him.

So yes - I DID meet someone.  Someone who I ACTUALLY wanted to see again and really get to know.  I guess it wasn't in the cards.  So I need to leave well enough alone (yes I know I don't know how to do that - thanks for reminding me) and let it go.  Whatever his reasonings were - they are his and his alone.  If he wants to watch Dragon Ball Z alone - that's his prerogative.  He may be hard pressed to find another female in his age range in Orange County who shares his love for the show besides me - but I think that is just the bitterness of rejection rearing it's ugly head.  He even told me he has a hard time finding women who even accept his lifestyle gaming choices - much less participate in them.   The ex asked if I was really moping over the fact I didn't get a 37 year old WoW player.  I told him it was more that I COULDN'T even get the 37 year old WoW player.  Seriously.  If I cannot seal the deal on someone who shares my geek passion - then I really need to consider taking a serious hiatus. Maybe it is truly time to bring on the moratorium.

In Like a Lion!

Any time that KC and I go out - it is usually going to be an interesting evening.  For example - the Saturday night we took Yuma, AZ by storm.  I know we were the only blondes in the bar & quite possibley the city save for the college girls that were in town for the softball tournament we were there for.  We usually go out on Saturday and those are the evening she gets all the attention.  KC is the friendly type.  She loves to dance and is always smiling when she does. Guys usually take this as an invitation to stalk her the rest of the evening and she is the type that is too polite to tell them to go away.  In an unusual shift of things - we went out in a Friday night this time and boy howdy was it a totally different experience!

I should have known what kind of night it was going to be when I went to the restroom for the first time that evening.  I encountered a very drunk girl sobbing because she was a leap year baby (Born February 29) so March 1st was technically the day it should be celebrated, but nobody in her family had even wished her a happy birthday.  So another lady took pity on her, and from the straps of her thong, produced a mini bottle of alcohol and gave it to her to shoot.  It really isn't every day you get shots from some stranger's panties.  After a few more minutes of going on and on, the lady pulls out another bottle from the other side of her undies and now this girl is wasted and crying about how she is spending her evening all alone.  Apparently she was so drunk she forgot that she had a hot boyfriend floating around in the bar.  I really felt sorry for the mess he was going to have on his hands a few hours later when the vomiting would inevitably kick in.

Next order of business.  I get a message from 30 year old asking me if I am into Mother/Son sexual roleplaying.  WTF?  I don't have to roleplay being a mom - I am one.  I don't need a man with mama issues when I already have boy who is 6.

The evening is progressing and the alcohol is being consumed.  We get up to dance and a small group takes over our table.  I go back over to take it back and they ask if we don't mind sharing the table.  Yeah sure, no problem. I take my sip and go back to the dance floor.  Now my feet are getting tired in my 4" wedge sandals, so KC and I head back to our table.  The couple has asked their friends to leave the table because they need some privacy to work out their issue. So now we are stuck listening to this couple break up and the girl is crying.  It's a bit uncomfortable, so in my drunken bravado - I approach their cute friends and invite them back to the table on the basis that they did overtake OUR table and they had to be more amusing than the breakup.  I was informed that they would only come back if I bought them a drink?  EXCUSE ME?  Shouldn't they be buying US drinks.  I told them nevermind - I'd rather point and laugh at his brother who was trying desperately to salvage what was left of the breakup.  The guy grabs her purse, strings it over his neck and they FINALLY leave to go finish hashing it out by the pool tables.  We couldn't have been more relieved.

Time for more dancing.  This time a guy with a deep v-neck t-shirt on with an insane amount of black curly chest hair protruding from it tries to dance up on me.  Now I am vehemently opposed to vneck t-shirts.  The guys in Orange County who usually try to rock them also have on skinny jeans and look like total douche bags.  Sad but true. It was 80 degrees the entire day, the bar is hot and he is also wearing a black leather jacket - not even a biker style which added to his over all douchey appearance.  I tried to avoid him, he tried to kiss me.  I covered my lips and pushed him away.  KC is losing her mind at this point.  "Really - a cute guy is all over you and you push him away?  SERIOUSLY?"  Yes seriously.  Dude wasn't my type at all.  A short time later, we head back to the dance floor and KC said something to him about me and I apologized saying "I'm sorry - you just aren't my type."  He responded "You aren't mine either"  I said "Well then there is no more need to waste each others time".  Then Douchey V-Neck boy caused a scene.  "I'm NOT trying to get into your pants for god sake.  I am trying to treat you with respect because you are a human being.  Obviously you are a bitch and don't deserve respect.  I hope the next guy you meet treats you like the bitch you are and deserve to be treated like.  BITCH!"  Just wow.  I got read the riot act by Douchey V-Neck boy and I bet he wonders why he is single?

So now we have been out for about three hours and KC is revelling in the fact that tonight is finally my night for the weird occurrences.  My two attempts to talk to guys ended up in the before mentioned guy telling me to buy HIM a drink and getting boob blocked by a chick claiming to be a jealous girlfriend who came out of nowhere and seemed to have no issue when any other girl came up to talk to that guy,  Then I was verbally assaulted.  Definitely an interesting night for sure. 

We look up and see a hipster bowl cut guy.  Finally there is someone in that whole blasted Bro bar that quite possibley might be my type.  He says something to us and walked off. KC sees my eyes light up and we go on a hunt to find him, but he is nowhere to be found.  We go see if we can stir up any trouble on the patio - there is none to be had.  We go back to our table and there he was.  Across the bar.  KC drags me over to talk to him, but I chicken out.  I mean I really wasn't ready for strike three at bat when it came to talking to guys.  He had a really hot chick next to him and tried in vain to get KC to abort the mission, but she refused.  So I had no choice to ask him what his name was so we could stop calling him bowl cut boy and how old he was.  His name was Alberto which really just rolls off the tongue if you say it right.  Then he told me his age.  Anyone care to guess?  DING DING DING - you got it - in his twenties.  Twenty nine to be exact.  I can't escape these youngsters.  KC leaves us to go dance to Thrift Shopping which she HATES and I am suddenly left to talk to him and really have no clue what to say.  So we discuss how uber bad we are at this whole meeting people thing,  He mentioned something about wanting to call me, but didn't have my number.  I told him he hadn't asked for it and made some off hand comment "like here's my number, call me maybe?" and at that exact second - that song came on.  That totally caught me off guard.  I gave him my number, teased him about having my name TOTALLY wrong and then he said he wanted to kiss me & did!  It was almost chaste.  Very short, minimal tongue and then he tried everything in his power to come home with me.  Well I don't really do that anymore, so I shot that down.  In the end - we all went home alone, but I had 3 texts waiting for me before I even had my front door open.  Will I go out with him? Maybe.  He would actually have to suggest something that didn't include hanging out at my house watching TV,

So all in all - it was a pretty great night.  Then again any night that ends kissing someone 12 years younger than you is a pretty good night in my opinion!  It was the first night in a very long time that I really enjoyed the fact that I was single.  For the record - this was the first guy in the fifteen years I have lived in California that has hit on me in a bar.  This is a BIG deal to me. And hey - if the hot mess leap year baby has a boyfriend that cute - there is certainly hope for me too!

Homey So don't play that! AKA a Very Bad Product Review

I am shallow.  We know this.  I am obsessed with two things.  The first thing is lip gloss.  It took me almost two years to find the PERFECT day shade and night shade of red in lip gloss.  Day shade is L'Oreal Infalliable Le Gloss 465.  The night shade is the same brand 320 (also happens to be one of Gwen Stefani's go to shades since she is contractually obligated to wear that brand).  I only wear lipgloss despite having a bazillion tubes of lipstick that people seem to give me. I like soft and shiney lips - what can I say?

The second thing I am obsessed with is my hair.  I have always had a very wild, almost untameable mane.  If I let it dry naturally - on a humid day I look like Rosanadana.  Unlike most people though - going blonde actually helped it as opposed to drying it out and making it frizzier.  I have gone to great lengths to get it to the perfect shade of multi-tonal buttery blonde.  This is my signature.  Seriously - between the blonde hair, the boobs and the red lip gloss I could have made a killing as a pin up girl back in the day. 

I also admit that I am totally a do it yourselfer.  The kind that make even the most patient of hairstylist cringe.  I will butcher my own bangs because I don't want to shell out $5.00 every three weeks as they start to creep past my eyebrows and into the vision zone.  I also do my own coloring.  Yes I know that when doing a root touch up you are only supposed to color the roots, then after it has processed for a bit, run the rest of the color through.  Yes I failed beauty school, but not coloring .  I have a LOT of hair though.  I mean Texas sized, mother of all manes sized hair.  I don't have the patience to do it the proper way.  It's bad enough that it takes me an hour just to flat iron it!  So I target the roots first, then take the 2nd bottle and attack the rest.  Process for 20 minutes, wash it out, condition the hell out of it & voila - the hair even a goddess would envy. That was until Sunday (insert sinister DUN DUN DUN here)

Since it takes two packages to reblonde - I always try to look for sales on product.  Garnier introduced a new product called Olia claiming to be oil based and not as harsh as the other products out there.  Anyone who has ever colored their own hair can tell you that the worst part is the ammonia smell and sting.  Garnier claimed to have minimized it.  So even though it wasn't on sale - I decided to try Olia  The shade 90.3 matched my hair color, so twenty dollars later I am out the door ready to reblonde myself.  The bottle was fancy and the gloves were black,  Good OOOH AHH factor.  The product didn't have the horrible ammonia smell and was very no drip.  It was almost lotion like which I acutally didn't enjoy because it didn't feel like it was covering properly.  I left it on the correct amount of time and went to wash it out.

When I saw myself in the mirror pre-shower - I was alarmed.  My hair looked darker.  I thought maybe it was just because I hadn't washed the gunk out. I rinsed, used their special conditioners and rinsed again.  When I came out of the shower - my hair looked light brown.  This didn't please me at all.  When it dried - it felt dry and went from my beautiful, shiney, buttery blonde to a dull dirty honey blonde.  I was PISSED.  I easily went about three shades darker.

I called Garnier and they were closed.  I left a message on their facebook page (I don't leave nice messages) and was told to call back.  I tried calling back the next day only to be hung up on by a recording 5 separate times.  When I finally did get through, their rep wasn't exactly helpful.  I'm trying to explain why I am unhappy and she is trying to give me tips on coloring. "Well ma'am, I can tell you this, if you purchase another product to do an all over lightening - it isn't going to work."  Uhm, if I go purchase a platinum blonde shade and do my hair - it most certainly will. I've done it before. It might fry it, but L'Oreal has pretty amazing conditioners with their kits. Then she tells me that I have to get a quality control number from the box and could I call back tomorrow?  REALLY?  You have an uber pissed customer on the phone and you want them to call you back with numbers?  I'm sorry - how many more minutes on my cell do you really want to waste?  Tell me you are sending me two coupons for  2 boxes of their Nutriusse line and now we are talking.  In the end - I ended up hanging up on her and I doubt I will get my compensation.

So as a public service announcement - I am of the opinion that if you are planning on trying one of the light shades of Garnier Olia line -  skip it and find another product.  It isn't worth the darkened hair and well I missed the just colored feel your hair has with other products. My mane always seems a bit more manageable the day after a coloring.  With Olia - my hair felt frizzy - not that I don't have 4 different bottles of  smoothing serum to fix that - but that is beside the point.

So Garnier, USA - you have lost a customer.  As I promised the customer service person - I am spreading the word as to how unhappy I am with your product.  If I can save one person from having to deal with the agony of "That wasn't my hair color an hour ago!!!" - then I have succeeded! To top it off; since it is significantly darker - my silver roots are going to be more prominent when they start to grow back in.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by hair products and I am currently one pissed off she-devil!  You don't mess with my tresses!

WWPSD?

What WOULD Patti Stanger do?

I am ready to move on.  I am really, really am -  I think.  Ok.  Maybe not as much as I think I am.  Despite being separated and subsequently divorced; I usually had the ex sex or S(ex) as I have officially coined it to fall back on. That has gone the way of the dinosaurs though and it's probably for the best. It was more of a "I know what you like, you know what I like - let's wham bam thank you ma'am it and go to sleep".

I am supposed to be on a dating moratorium.  I am for the most part.  I am not exactly going out of my way to lure men into my twisted web only to have my time wasted, chicken out before it happens or let my insecurities ruin a perfectly good coffee interrogation. I am not putting much stock in the idea that any guy that could possibly make it to the texting stage will make it much further than that.  Heck, yesterday I was even willing to step outside my comfort zone to have a beach meet and greet.  I cancelled last minute though because he sounded like exactly like Baljeet from Phineus and Ferb.  I knew his ethnicity, but his voice had more girlish qualities than mine.  Ok, so add shallow to the list of why I am single too.

What it boils down to is that I am still afraid to have sex with someone new. The guy I had my fling with back in December suggested we hook up Saturday and while I agreed to it, I spent the whole day terrified of  how exactly I was going to handle it.  It didn't happen, so I wasted a day of worry and shaved nether regions for nothing, but that last detail is beside the point.  I was REALLY drunk that night in December.  Saturday I wouldn't have been. Nothing much has changed since December.  I might be a few pounds heavier, but not that much of a difference.  Maybe it was because I was a bit "ahem" theatrical that night, maybe it was I remember telling him how douchy his V-neck t shirt was (I STILL cringe when I think about that.) Whatever it was; my brain couldn't turn off the insecurities.

Hello - wasn't I the girl who gave a popular DJ on Z-93  a bj while he was on the air (and this was a couple of hours after I had finished up with the hot guy from Footlocker who forgot to tell me he had an amazon girlfriend who probably would have kicked my ass 6 sides of Sunday if she had found out). Wasn't it my ass plastered on the hatch of my Dodge Daytona in a nightclub parking lot.  Didn't I have sex with one of the multiple Kevins (or was he a Chris, maybe a Randy?  I don't remember) on some random piece of playground equipment at 3 am? Where did this girl go?  These days I have far more feminine attributes then I did back then.  My hair has been conquered.  I have quite the round butt without it being Kardashian huge and what I didn't have in cleavage back then - I have more than tripled.   Lena Dunham goes full frontal in almost every episode of Girls and her body isn't really all that.  If she can subject herself to the masses, then surely I can get naked in front of one guy right? Maybe?   

In the end, it's an ongoing battle of mind over libido.  It isn't like there is a shortage of guys out there willing to do the deed and most of them are pretty damn hot. The blonde haired Angel will tell me to stick to the moratorium, delete the dating profile and wait until someone presents himself in person.  The red headed devil will tell me to close my mind and just do it.  It's just sex.  It's just that thing I used to do for sport.  My issues are too grand right now to consider a steady relationship and my social skills are too awkward to actually just go on dates.  It's quite the conundrum.  I guess I'll just go home and contemplate this on my new bed that is much too big for one person.  I just hope I get over this mental stigma before Operation Code Name Kangaroo is supposed to happen.  THAT may be one you want to stay tuned for....

Catfishing

Manti Te'o.  Never has one name rocked the world of internet dating so severely. Granted the circumstances surrounding his situation were borderline bizarre, but the base of it all isn't as far fetched as the media made it out to be.   This is one of the few times I have real world experience I can relate to stories in the media. I have to of them actually.  One led to a marriage and one almost led to the end of my marriage.

I met the ex online.  This was when online dating was still taboo and you didn't tell people that's how you met. It was long before Eharmony, Match.com, Plenty of Fish or OKCupid.  Sure AOL had Love@aol,  but you were considered pretty pathetic if you used it.  No, we met in a chatroom called Witty (yes I am really dating myself there).  We talked online for awhile, then on the phone.  We fell in love before we ever met because we had the opportunity to get to know each other without the complications of sex getting in the way. Fortunately we were both honest with each other, so there were no big surprises.  I flew out to meet him never even having seen his picture.  I just knew he was "the one".  I moved to CA 3 months later and everyone thought I was crazy.  I knew he was the man I was going to marry and felt that because I had gotten to know him so well that we would truly be the couple who made it to death do us part  In hindsight with the exception of Gman, we both wish it kind of never happened.  I can't regret it though because I got the most amazing child out of it. 

Flash forward a couple of years.  For the most part we were happy.  We went out and did stuff together,  We'd go on bike rides, out to eat, and we'd play wt the beach.  Then we discovered MMORPGs.  For you laymen out there - it stands for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games.  That was where the decline of the marriage started.  Once we started playing Final Fantasy XI, real life stopped.  We no longer went out.  Neighbors wouldn't see the ex for days.  It consumed all of our free time.  We also didn't tell anyone we were married because we didn't think anyone would want to play with a couple; we were new the whole experience after all.  Since I worked and he didn't - he had a lot more time to develop friendships and while we had our own linkshell (i.e guild) - we still ended up playing with others more than with each each other. So I ended up in a group of people from Massachusetts somehow.  From that group I met a guy who went by the screen name Kaiden.  We started playing almost exclusively with each other mostly because the ex was off doing things with his group.  It became a different kind of online romance because we were interacting - it was just as a Hume monk and a Mithra Red Mage.  I admit I fell for him because he gave me the attention I wasn't getting at home.  He told me he had fallen in love with me, he sent me in game gifts and I would have to pretend to disconnect to wipe out the chat so the ex didn't see what was going on.  I even snuck calls into him on my work cell phone since I could have guys numbers in that phone without question.

I eventually got caught due to some circumstances as crazy as Manti Te'o (my married secret was about to be spilled by a guy who was pretending to be a girl to get the attention of a girl in our linkshell - only to find out the the girl  he was after was also a guy after they had a same sex female in game marriage.  Did you follow that? lol) and  and had to admit to Kaiden I was married and had to admit to the ex that I had feelings for Kaiden. I was then faced with the decision whether I wanted to save the marriage which was already starting to fail, or save my relationship with Kaiden and leave my husband.  Even though I was miserable - I stayed with the ex and tried to work it out.

So how does this happen?  Simple.  It is easier to be open with a stranger who isn't going to judge you. You control how much information you give them and you can paint the picture any way you want it.  The longer it goes on it can either become totally complicated if you have spun webs of untruth, or it feels very real because you have an emotional connection with someone who doesn't think you are fat, stupid or that the world would be better off without you in it. You are connecting with someone who wants to be there for you.   It also works on the flip side.  You can be the person on the other end.  The one who is there for someone else.  Sometimes it is just as important to be needed as it is to want the attention.

In a way, that is why online dating has become so popular.  We have become a culture of instant gratification.  We have smart phones that keep us connected to everything.  We have movies on demand, book on our e-readers, hell you can even get free porn when you want it.  It gives you a way to instantly connect with someone of your gender specific dating needs.  Who wouldn't enjoy the attention of a hot guy or gal who thinks your picture looks great and wants to get to know more about you?  Its a slippery slope that sometimes blurs the line between fantasy and reality though.  There comes a time when you actually have to say we need to meet or this is dumb.  I would say after a month of talking - if you haven't actually met the person - it is time to move on. 

So don't judge poor Manti T'eo.  He was far from home, had the pressures of playing ball for one of the more prestigious school in the country and he thought he found someone special.  It happens to the best of us.  OK - maybe it just happens to me, but then if it didn't - this would be a very short blog!

Dear Spam Filter Stalker (as you are affectionately know on Facebook)

Dear commenter who always ends up in my spam filter and who is always trying to pimp out a different website with every new comment.  I would take you a little more seriously if you went through the proper channels of commenting instead of inviting me to risk internet virus with your websites du jour.  I welcome all comments and quite frankly wish more people would, but I can't respond if you spam me. 

Don't let the comment moderation code scare you! Go ahead, respond the proper way and maybe then I can answer your questions.   I however do not endorse any website unless I fully believe in the product or the writer.

Thanks!

K

I Just Can't Get the Hang of Being a Cougar

I am debating whether I should be cursing Jennifer Lopez or thanking her.  You see she is in her 40's and has her little boy toy Casper Smart who is in his 20's.  Suddenly I was hit upside the head with the proverbial bat and it all made sense to me as to why 20 somethings have been crawling out of the woodwork recently.  Up until reading that issue of US magazine in the lunch room - it had been a mystery as to why these uber young guys were trying to hook up with me.  No More.  Seriously.  My writer crush is 27.  There is another 27 year old who checks in once a week to see if I have changed my mind about letting him come over for movie night.  There was one who was 26 but has 2 kids from 2 different baby mamas (and he wondered why nobody would date him - sorry  I have 1 of my own and my own family drama).  There was also a 27 year old law school student who faded into the fabric which is just as well.  There have been a couple others, but those were the noteworthy ones of 2013.

I remember guys in my 20's.  They were not as smooth as this current crop of youngsters.  Then again, my 20's were spent extremely drunk and it didn't take much convincing to take me home.  I couldn't imagine dating anyone older when I was younger.  A 40 year old man seemed well, gross. (A pass would have been given for Harrison Ford or Dr. Drew). I did have an affair with a 35 year old married man in my 20's and he seemed so much more mature than me.  Even then  - it was only like a 7 year difference in age.

When queried as to why someone who is 15 years my junior would be interested in someone who is feasibly old enough to be their mother; I got a few different responses.  "Older women know what they want and don't play games" "Older women have it together" "Older women know what they are doing in bed".  Obviously these guy don't realize who they are dealing with.  I don't know what I want although if it involves ice cream or a nap - I might be game.  Have it together?  Give me a moment to collect myself as I am rolling on the floor laughing.  I am FAR from having it together.  I am still entangled by the marionette strings the ex seems to have me attached to.  Good in bed?  Maybe, but it's going to take more than coming over for Netflix to find out.

Guys in their 20's;  it seems are after the instant gratification (writer crush excluded).  When I was in my 20's - unless it was a club screw - the guy asked you and followed through.  They got to know you. I think the term was DATING.  Then again - that could just be an internet thing and not just a youngster thing because I have had older guys who just wanted to "hang"

 I admit I entertained the idea to of going out with one of these youngsters.  I owed it to the blog. I needed a juicy scandal to rock the writing. It was before the Mayans said the world would end - I mean wasn't that a good reason?  If the world ends tomorrow - you are damn skippy sure I am banging a young hottie tonight!  We made plans & he bailed last minute.  A few days later he was begging me to just let him come over.  He almost wore me down until he threw a fit over having to park a few blocks down the street.  (Nothing changes your resolve like a temper tantrum.  Doesn't work for the 6 year old or the 27 year old).  He still tries and I still turn him down.  I am probably crazy - the boy is hot and has an amazeballs chest.

  J Lo can have her boy toy.  I want a guy who is willing to make some sort of effort, but in a world of cell phones, DVRs and porn on demand - these boys don't understand the meaning of that.  I think it's even sadder that a younger women would entertain the "Main Hang" theory.  Make the guy date you proper.  You deserve it!  Seriously - if you aren't worth the effort of taking out - he isn't worth the effort of taking off your clothes.  Guys will usually take the path of least resistance as long as they are allowed.  Not on my watch though!  I think they forgot one key element of the older woman.  We have heard it all, done it all and seen it all.  That experience they seek will be their downfall because they aren't accustomed to putting in that time to get to know the person which is what I at the very least expect out of any suitor. So, as it stands now; I won't be cashing in that cougar voucher any time soon!  If you want to run with the big kitties - you gotta be a lion - not a cub!

Valentines Schmalentines

Guys - only 9 more shopping days left.  9 days left to make sure you have the reservation to that over priced restaurant that is overcrowded with a bunch of schmucks.  Only 9 more days to get those flowers ordered, that candy purchased and to make sure everything is just perfect so maybe, just maybe your night ends up naked and sweaty. Ugh - seriously - who needs that kind of pressure? Not me.

February 14th has never been a favorite date of mine.   I was never the girl who got flowers at school and had to watch the Heidi Maugers of the world walk around with armfuls. Flash back to third grade. I gave Rick Leiter my favorite valentine because I had a crazy crush on him.  He laughed at me and threatened to tear it up.  Crush turned into Crushed.  I can recall 3 positive Valentines days.  I was 20 and my boyfriend had class really late, but showed up before midnight with an Elmira toy which was my favorite Tiny Toons character.  When I was 1st dating the ex, he showed up and knocked on the front door.  When I answered it - he had a pair of earrings and asked if I would wear them to dinner.  We ended up at TGIFridays, but it was still a night out.  Then there was the following year where the ex really didn't do anything but drive all over town trying to find somewhere to eat.  We ended up at a crappy restaurant with fake roses on the table - but it was the effort that counted.  The rest of them have just generally sucked.

This year I thought I was so close to having that elusive date, but it wasn't meant to be.  Next time I will just listen to my gut when it tells me not to bother.  It will save me many wasted months on trying to meet a guy that wasn't going to amount to anything anyways. So what if he romanced with promises of winning my heart, climbing my walls and being strong for me so I can be weak.  Dude cancelled on me 3 times. This also means that I have to follow through on a promised dating moratorium because well - this online dating thing just isn't working. I don't need a man to be happy.  I don't need a man to buy me flowers, or candy or jewelry (but I would gladly accept a car just in case there are any potential suitors reading this). I won't lie and say I wouldn't enjoy the lavishing, but I don't NEED it.  I can't exactly toll the joys of purchasing the domain BeingSingleistheNewBlack.com if I am bemoaning the fact I can't get a date.  Sure - a man would come in handy for some sexy time, but the only thing stopping that is my brain.  I mean hello - I have a very hot 27 year old after me and an UH-Mazingly hot French guy coming into town (but I fully admit I am terrified of his uncircumcised penis).  We all know that I will do nothing about Frenchy and I still can't bring myself to do someone in their 20's unless I am drunk.

But I have bigger fish to fry because I have one guy in my life who is more worthy than any other.  He gives the best hugs, the sweetest kisses, can always makes me laugh and well - if I could find a 40 year old with the qualities of my 6 year old - I would have to change the blog name.  I mean seriously - my kiddo kissed all the pearls on a necklace he got me for Christmas so when I am having a bad day, I can reach for a pearl and have a kiss from him when I need it most.  This is NOT his father's child!  He is going to need my full attention though because at the tender age of 6.75 and being a first grader - he landed the role of Aladdin in the school musical.  This means we have to memorize songs and scripts and practice acting for the next 3 months.  How could I even imagine trying to find a date when this could be my child's big break he is dreaming of.  This is so big a deal, that his dad has postponed to move out of state so he can do the play. 

So while yes - it would be nice to have date on the 14th, I won't be alone.  I will be next to a gorgeous blonde haired guy watching season two of Total Drama Island on Netflix, sharing a bowl of ice cream with him knowing that I am luckiest woman alive.  I may not be Jasmine - but this Prince Ali is all mine!

Even Ross and Rachel Couldn't "Just Be Friends"

Two sentences.  "I'm fine being friends!! The question is: are you?"  This was posed to me and really got me thinking.

Friends.

In this day and age; there are so many different type of friends. You have your "Present" friends.  The tangible friends who are in your life that you hang out with on a regular basis. You have your "close, but far" friends who don't live near you but are always in a constant contact with.  You have "distant" friends such as those you keep up with on facebook from high school, but without it - you probably would lose contact with again and not think much of it. You have you "social media" friends such as those you regularly interact with such as Twitter or the like, but you don't necessarily know.  All of these are people you perhaps talk to on a daily basis and you do indeed probably consider your friends.  Think deep though into your circle of present and close friends.  Eliminate anyone of the opposite sex that you are friends with because they are the significant other of your friend. Eliminate the exes that you have managed to build a friendship with after the break up. Do you have any people of the opposite sex that you consider just a pure platonic friend?  One you could go out with on a Friday night and know that you aren't going to end up in each other's bed before day breaks?

Can a male and female truly be platonic friends without sex or feelings interfering with the friendship? It's the age old debate.  Women seem to be highly optimistic that such a friendship can occur and guys tend to be a bit skeptical.  I am skeptical myself, but then I always seem to think like a guy and my initial thought was NO.   So then I thought I would ask what my friends think.  I asked all of my facebook friends and out of 105 - I got 8 responses.  I tweeted 17 of my 25 followers and got back 6 responses.  My results were interesting (to me at least).

Facebook:

5 of the 8 were females that said YES

1 was a male who said NO

1 was a male who said YES

1 was a male who said not if both were hot

Twitter:

1 male said hmmm, I believe so. Although I would say any guy who is friends with a hot girl secretly wants to have sex with her
1 male said  Sure they can. However, usually one or both, have other aspirations.

1 male said nope those two can fuck everything up , figuratively and literally

2 females said YES

1 female said Maybe, but I flirt with all my guy friends, so what does that tell you?

I asked my ex who said yes and gave an example of a neighbor we used to have. The ex said our female neighbor was awesome, attractive and yet he had no interest in her outside friendship.  When I mentioned he was still married at the time, he responded "what and nobody who was ever married never cheated with a neighbor if that was what they really wanted to do?"  He did  also state that she had told him he was the 1st guy friend she had that never tried to hit on her. When questioned him about that - he responded that most of her friends were drunk skater boys in their 20's who weren't smart enough to seperate friends and friends with benefits.  Touche.

Another friend told me he had a female friend from high school who is his best friend, There is more to this, but I am trying to respect his confidence in me.  He wrapped it up saying the spouses were supportive of the friendship, but only because of the distance.  But why should distance be a factor if guys and girls can be strictly friends?

There was a guy named Mark in my twenties. He proved and disproved that question completely. He was friends with my circle of three. He dated one of us and stayed friends with her.  He was strictly friends with the second and was friends with me, but it turned into more and it ended with me punching him in the face and moving out of my dream house.

I have had a  guy room-mate where it tried to become something more, but ended up causing a severe amount of friction.  Only time has mended those wounds to where we haved moved past it and are friends. (For the record - I'm really sorry for throwing out your Playboys when they came in the mail back in the day- I was petty at the time.)

Then there is Man Whore who I have always been flirty with, but it's never going to cross that line.  Not because I don't want to mess up the friendship (and we are still friends even though we all moved out), but more because I didn't nickname him Man Whore for nothing.

I guess it comes down to a level of maturity where you know the risk isn't worth losing the friendship over.  Where you respect the person and friendship enough to know that things might not be so great if you cross that line. 

So can a guy and girl be strictly friends? The majority from my unscientific poll said yes they can. I still don't know where I stand personally. What do you think?