I am learning that my new found freedom is coming at a very hefty price. My poor life choices have my son with his dad instead of me. I don't have a car so I have no way to come get him and drop him off or take him places short of the bus. I live in a house that isn't really kid centered even though my housemates are more than accommodating on having him over. I can barely support myself, so overall I am ok with him living with his dad. His needs are well met, he is thriving in school and he is healthy and happy. This however translates into me missing out on so much of him growing up.
Now, unlike most separations - I have pretty much open access to him as my time allows provided the ex and I are getting along. Despite this - I discovered this weekend just how much I am missing. I am really not sure how long it has been since I have taken him to the park. I would have to guess a good four months or so. All I know is the last time we went - he couldn't traverse the monkey bars and was terrified to cross the wavy horizontal ladder. This weekend he crossed both like a total pro showing off for anyone who would watch. This was not a feat he performed for the first time. Apparently he has been doing this for months now and it is something his dad witnesses frequently. It really got me thinking about all the other things I am missing out on. I don't know his friends from school, but they crowd his dad like a rockstar when he picks G up afterschool. I don't know his friend's parents, but they all make small talk in the morning with his dad. I miss the school functions because I am the one who works full time. Every time I see G, his hair is a little bit longer, he seems a little bit taller and his 5 year old sense of humor more developed. He and his dad have routines set up and when I visit - I always feel like I am a disruption because - well I am. My son wants me and gets in trouble when he tries to get his way by coming to me first.
Even though we were separated - I spent pretty much October - to the 1st of January with them spending the night and helping out with G as his dad got overwhelmed with school. G really got used to me being there and somehow I end up there for the entire weekends still. Yesterday after a fight with his dad - I was kicked out the door. After a 45 minute walk home - I got a text message informing me that he would be dropping G off at my place and there was no room for argument. So G and I spent a great afternoon free of the ex - until it was time to go. Tears streamed down that beautiful face of his begging me to come home with him. Telling me he could make it all better between his dad and me. Telling me if I tried one more time and listened to what daddy told me to do - it would work and we could be a family again. I have never been more heart broken in my life as I tried to explain why it wouldn't work which just made him cry harder. These are not the 1st tears he has cried over us parting. They usually flow when I have to say goodbye after a visit. Yesterday's though seemed the most poignant and I am still choking up while typing this.
I can deal with his dad calling me names and making me feel worthless. I can deal with the fights getting worse as I feel like I should have more freedom and he should have less control over me. I can even deal with the extremes he goes to when trying to prove points dealing with the previous sentence. What I cannot deal with is knowing the my son is in tears because I am not there with him every day and it is his dad that has to make it all better. I can't go back though. I won't go back. Nevermind the fact that the papers have been filed - I can't go back to that environment. Even if I am able to hold this job and pull my fair share - I can't do it. I just wish my beautiful boy was old enough to understand this.
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