I'm still here

It feels like forever since I have last written.  I will admit that I did start a second blog to track the spiritual journey I stated on at the beginning of the year, but even that was fallen to the wayside.  I was accepted as a writer for a womans blog, but I don't even have the time for that.  My life has been cray cray and not even in the normal crazy Kathy fashion,

You could say that I have a man in my life - but that is only partially true.  It's more like an almost 8 year old who has taken the time he has gotten back with me and is more than making up for the times before I moved back in with him and his dad. It's killed my pretend dating life.  I haven't had sex since August (no you don't need to remind me just how long that has been).  While there is an agreement in place that his dad and I can freely date. we just can't bring anybody home.  While that sounds good in theory - try telling someone your ex husband is your house-mate.  Funny how the text stop after that revelation.  I have pulled the plug on all the dating sites.  I promise. I  discovered that I didn't need the ego feed anymore from someone I probably wasn't going to meet anyways.

While the blog is suffering - I am not.  I lost two years of tucking my son into bed every night.  Two years of him waking me up with a kiss and telling me it is time to get up.  Two years of snuggles. lullabies (even though those are few and far between) and giggles.  I lost two years of being mom; so I'm ok with making up for lost time.  During the week he has jui jitsu 3 days a week which means under the best circumstances dinner doesn't get started until 6:30 and and it's worst - after 7.  Then there is shower and homework.  Most nights my day doesn't end until almost 9.  Let's be honest-I'm too drained to put any effort into romance.  I can barely put the effort into shaving!

I was in a minor car accident, but severe enough to put me on some really good meds.  While I can probably write some amazing posts on Vicodin - not so much on the Soma. For a good two weeks I could barely remember my name!

The biggest kicker to the lack of writing though is that I changed jobs.  I did most of my blog posts while at work.  What can I say - my muse didn't like the monotony of drop filing paper.  I reconnected with an old boss and he ended up offering me the same kind of position with a title and an increase in pay.  He also handed me over a vomit covered shit storm topped off with dingleberry for a cherry.  I knew I was taking over from a guy who wasn't putting the effort in.  What I didn't know (and apparently nobody else in the firm did either) was that he hadn't done any work in three months.  He had boxes of stashed filing and I get the lovely job of cleaning it up.  I do have temporary help, but I barely have time to go to the bathroom so there is certainly no time to write my blogs there. 

My son and his dad are going away this summer for a month.  So I am going to use that time to reconnect with myself.  Hopefully then I will have something fun to write about.  Until then, I'm still here fighting the good fight!

Today

Today I am weak. Today I am not the fearless leader that will command you to put on your lipstick/gloss, throw on your fab flats or awesome heels and take your hand as we go headlong into the world. Today I do not have my brave face on.  Today I want to be a coward.  Between the 4 prescription bottles in my purse, I could take a nice long nap in my car and be a headline tomorrow. I could and I want to - oh how I want to; but Today I won't.

Today I questioned God.  What have I done to deserve this life of mine?  I am sorry that I wrote "AW Shit Sister Mary Anne" on the bathroom mirror in soap and lied about it in the fourth grade.  I hated being in that catholic school where I never fit in and was made fun of constantly.  Even then I was weak, but my voice was tiny and nobody heard my cries.  It was negative attention, but at least it was attention.  Was that justification enough to punish me for the rest of my life?  I pray every day and thank him for his blessings, my son and only ask for the strength to get me through this journey I just don't understand. Then of course I felt stupid because it isn't as if Alanis Morrisette was going to come down off her handstand and whisper in my ear ala Dogma or the clouds would part and his booming voice would answer me.  I have free will and the choices I make are mine and mine alone.

Today I was again jealous of those who have so much more than me and don't have to lift a finger to achieve their desires.  Those for whom everything ALWAYS seems to fall into place.  Today I wondered why my life is so hard and when exactly the hits will stop coming at me. I struggle day to day to get by paycheck to paycheck. Again, I feel stupid asking these questions.  I am sure the woman who sits at the stoplight entrance of Target with the cardboard sign that states "hungry kids at home and can't find work - please help" curses me when I roll past her in my car.  While I am crying because I can't get my radiator fixed because I can't take the time off to either wait or be two hours late thanks to the bus - at least it's a car.  All I can do is hope that it doesn't blow up before I find that good Samaritan to take me to work after I drop it off.

Today I wondered why can I never just be happy for the sake of happy without having to be on a stupid anti depressant?  Why am I not pretty enough? Why am I not charming?  Why can't I get motivated to change everything that is wrong in my life because I am toxic, yet am expected to be the textbook definition of together?  Again - it falls back to the choices I make and the choices I've made.

And I have made stupid choices.  Whether it was in my teens, my twenties or now - I have to wear them.  I try to learn from them and sometimes I do, but usually I just rinse and repeat.

Today I read this post by Glennon Doyle Melton and it made me cry. Her Momastery blog metaphorically save my life.  I say metaphorically because as much as I hate my life right now and want to die - I'm here for a reason. Otherwise it would have worked one of the three other times I tried to end it.  She reminds me that it is OK to be flawed and I have the gift of word.  I'd like to hope that someone gets something out of my blog and realizes - they too are not alone in their imperfections.

Today I acknowledge my sacred scared. I am imperfect.  I am flawed.  I am abusive.  I have been abused. I comfort myself with food and shame myself for eating.  I have an affection for painkillers and have a doctor who lets me have them.  I can't show up shiny and sparkling and I can't pretend anymore.  Nor should I because I am not being true to myself. 

Today, I will make it through to see tomorrow and hopefully see the light through the clouds.  I just hope those clouds aren't the ones from my engine burning itself up.

Supercalifragilistic FABU Chili Cheese Dip

On February 2nd, we here in the states will celebrate the annual tradition of Superbowl Sunday. Where one eats too much, probably drinks too much, watches a LOT of commercials and oh yeah FOOTBALL!!!  Well worry not - whether you are hosting the party or need to bring a dish - I have the easy to make, no fail solution.  Kathy's Fabu Vegetarian Chili Cheese Dip.  It is SO good that your carnivores won't believe it's a vegetarian dish and your herbivores will love you forever.  I have won the office best dish contest with this and my friend KC will not let me attend any parties she throws UNLESS I bring it.

You will need the following:

2 cans of Hormel Vegetarian Chili with Beans

1 brick of softened cream cheese (light or regular - your choice)

1 jar of Pace Salsa (I prefer the Southwest Chitpole Restaurant Style)

1 bag of Cheddar Jack Cheese (Velveeta works well too, but I prefer real cheese)

A bottle of Hot Sauce (Tapatio is again my preference)

Over a medium flame, combine the 2 cans of chili and the cream cheese into a sauce pan.  Stir until the cream cheese has been completely incorporated and any chunks have been melted down.  Add the jar of salsa and stir that in.  Add the cheese and stir until completely melted.  Lastly add dashes of hot sauce to taste.

Voila - you are done.  

This can also be done in the microwave, but you will want to stop it about every 2-3 minutes to stir.  If you want to make a smaller amount, just half the recipe.  Feel free to make it your own by using whatever kind of cheese you prefer,or any heat of salsa or type for that matter.  After making this for about 2 years and playing around with it - the above recipe is what my friends and co-workers liked the best. 

The best part is what you can do with the left overs.  Breakfast dilemma?  This is A-Mazing over eggs.  Lunch or dinner - try adding it on top of a baked potato.  You simply CANNOT go wrong with this dip!

I would love to get your feedback if you try it!  

Unless You Have a Fireplace in Your Bathroom - I'm OK with Being Me

There is a certain freedom that comes with letting go.  When you have waved your white flag and have just resigned yourself to a certain que sera sera.  When you just breathe a collective sigh and declare WHATEVS. 

No, I am not on a medication upswing.  I should be, but I just can't ever seem to remember to take them.  I would certainly feel more stable since things are currently upside down in my life.  It's just that resigning myself the the idea that this is what my life is until 2015 has been one of the most positive changes I could make for myself.  I've made peace with it.

So here are some things that I have come to terms with in my own way and a change or two I have made.

I've cleaned out some of the negative clutter.  I unfriended the writer crush from last year and my phone address book has only one dumb guy in it.  I should delete him. I have his email address memorized though, so I always know how to get a hold of him.  He is a weakness, but I have no need to use his number.  I have no need to contact him.  I will hear from him in a few months I am sure, but he won't hear from me.  I have officially lost interest in what Bootcamp Guy and Toe Ring Tramp are doing.  That was SO last year. I haven't stalked his Facebook since the last post I wrote.  I don't care anymore. His path is not my path and his path was way too caloric.  No wonder my pants look painted on.

I still have the dating profile.  I keep disabling it, but I always restore it.  It's more for the shallow ego boost more than anything else. (Hello - being a cougar is apparently the in thing right now) I am not sure I will really find what I am looking for there. Not that I am looking for Prince Charming, Phillp, Adam, Eric, Li Shang , John Smith or Naveen.  I'm not even looking for Flynn Ryder. If I really had to go that route - I'd like a Kristoff please - the rugged loner.  I am not a princess though and riding horses scare me.  So would riding a reindeer, but I am getting off topic.  I'm a hard fit, I have a wall, a complicated personal life and I don't want to settle for just anyone because it beats being alone.  I won't pretend that tighty whities don't matter.  THEY DO. I don't believe in Mr. Right.  I don't believe there is someone for everyone.  If "he" happens to appear - thus shall it be.  If he doesn't - I can use the excuse that I am too busy playing cruise director to a seven year old to care.

A few truths.

I am OK with myself.  I have come to terms finally that the reflection in the mirror is accurate. I'm not 23 anymore.  I'm not a size 0 anymore.  I have wrinkles, a muffin top and greying hair.  The bush hasn't been landscaped in months and the legs only slightly more recently.  I have let myself go.  Plain and simple. I love chocolate and my pants are getting too tight again.  I am using my bad foot as an excuse not to start running again.  As hot as the dumb OC guys are, I would rather be dancing with my girlfriends on girls night out.  Sometimes I would really just rather sit and home and watch Crash & Bernstein for the umpteenth time with my son on a Saturday night than go out for yet another coffee interrogation where I have to admit I am so much cooler online. 

I have a pocket preacher.  I call him that in jest because he is my go to guy whenever Gman has questions about God.  He was a couple of years my junior in high school and I had a crush on his brother who was a couple of years ahead of me. Apparently I was flirting with the older brother and batting my eyes at him for donuts so that twenty plus years later - I could come to the pocket preacher for advice and theological debate. It was part of the plan.  He is now a pastor and is so sure that I am receiving "the calling".   I'm not so sure.  Maybe the battery on the spiritual cell phone has died and I can't find the charger.  All I know is that Gman has decided he wants to learn about God and we now have a standing date with the church around the corner so he can attend Sunday school.  Don't get me wrong.  I wish I had faith.  I long for faith.  I would give ANYTHING to believe in something so strongly just "because".  I can't though,  I question everything.  I argue everything.  I am a control freak who can't let go.  How am I supposed to believe that all I have to do is ask and I shall receive?  I tried that.  I still ended up sleeping on a slide, in the van and eventually in a homeless shelter.  Faith is not something I have, but I am not above a little salvation.  We'll see how this endeavor goes.

Here is my last Disney reference. "keep those camera's flashin', to try to catch this action.  I'm just being me - watch me do me".  I am so OK with who I am.  I'm OK with the flaws and the areas that need improvement.  With this attitude - I could take over the world.  I won't - I have no staying power, but I COULD.  For now, I will just settle for a hot shower, a fluffy towel and fuzzy pajamas. That I can attain tonight  Living in the here and now - what more could I ask for (besides another bar of Godiva Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt)!  

The Stories of Single

The whole reason I started this blog is because of good friend of mine told me to.  She said these things only happen to you, yet it's something so many people can relate to.  Because of that encouragement; I wanted to encourage others to write.  So on Being Single is the New Black's Facebook page I told my readers that I was looking for guest writers to share their stories with me and  I have had a few responses.  Some are writers and some are just people with a story to tell...like Roxy.  Of course her name has been changed, but she is a gal after my own heart.  Show her some love in the comments!

If you have a story to tell - feel free to email me at sooosingle41@gmail.con.  I would love to share your story too.

So I present my first story in a hopefully ongoing bit I'm going to call The Stories of Single.  Take it away Roxy!

Downward Spiral…A Cautionary Tale of Dating in Your 40’s

So here I am alone. Not to say I don’t have a lot going on, but even with all of the excitement each day or moment will bring; at the end of the day, there is just me. I’m not one that would do the sort of things that I have done in the last couple of years. I have always been “the good one”, the one who was very “vanilla”. Lately, however, there have been things that I have done that I instantly regret. I am not super pretty. I would probably give myself a strong 6.75. Not skinny but not fat…kind of in the middle. I think I have a pretty decent personality if you can handle my down days. Pretty much a typical 42 year old with baggage. I came from a super bad marriage that left me scarred for life and a now have a new found sense of freedom that comes with leaving a man who you thought you might grow old with. 

For a while I did the poor pitiful me thing and stayed home in my depressed state. I was barely able to get out of sweat pants, or put on a bra each day. Then someone told me to try one of those free internet dating sites. I did. I put my best face forward, took a couple selfies on my computer camera and let it all out. Getting flirted with is wonderful when you are feeling down and eventually I took someone up on their offer to meet in person. I got my best “I need to get laid” outfit on and trekked over to the outdoor mall to meet so that I was close to home if I needed to get out of any bad situations. I was told that I was very pretty and most people don’t look like they do on their profiles. Yay me! That was short lived after a skinny little thing came in and started making eyes at my date. He then told me that they used to date her and he couldn’t be seen with a fat chick in public. I lowered my head and walked home feeling more useless than before. Free internet dating site…closed down. 

Flash forward to crazy “rocky road” “I’ll try anything once” days. Went to a swingers club with a friend and quickly realized that I was not a display it all for the world to see kind of gal. I’m more of a one on one person but after a few adult beverages was talked into being a one on two kind of person. Come on…who hasn't wanted to do something so not “you” just to see what happens? I regretted it the experience but at least I learned that is not the road for me…I am sure about that! 

After a couple of months I was still fuming about my online experience, but decided to try again. This time I wasn't going to waste time getting to know people only to be let down. So I went right for the “I need to get laid now” site and set up a blind date that was sure to end in some sweaty satisfaction. I went out for a drink and instantly he started kissing and groping me. The fact that he was pretty good looking didn't hurt so we went ahead with the discussion of where to go. We went to his house and both got what we wanted. It was quick, pretty uneventful and unsatisfying. Sex is sex right? It doesn't always have to be great, but that itch was taken care of and I got what I needed. He continued to call and I continued to meet him for 2 months. Each time I wondered "what the hell I am doing?” He still texts me to see if I will meet him. After 2 years you would think he would give up.

An old boyfriend (this is my weak point) started calling. Things were always a what if with us and after 10 years I was going to see if this would lead to anything. Why not? I invited him over for a few beers to see if there was anything beyond the sex that was the basis of the relationship 10 years ago. He was still immature, still dirt poor and a moocher, still kind of icky with some of the habits he had. Lo and behold, he was mine and he did whatever I wanted him to do. He was a doormat but would never move me forward. I promised myself that I would just keep it casual but he was moving it forward way fast with family obligations and spending a lot of time together. If you are desperate enough, you will put up with almost anything for a while. Eventually I moved him in. It was good at first but maybe I have been alone too long. Things like using napkins when you can use a towel to clean something up would make me rage with anger because he wasn’t the one who would have to buy more napkins when they were all used up! Stupid petty things were making me regret letting someone into my life. I knew deep down inside that those weren’t the issues. I didn’t love him. Not even sure I really even liked him at that point. So I asked him to leave. But, when he calls from time to time I can’t say I turn him down. 

Not even a few weeks later a mouth watering new client walked into my office. After we talked business for a while he asked if he could shut my door. I was confused because things like this don’t happen to fat chicks like me. He proceeded to ask me on a date. A proper date??? Ok, sounds great! He was way out of my league, at least a 9, and I wondered what does he want with me? We had so much in common and we sat and talked for hours. I still don’t know what exactly he saw in me, maybe it the huge boobs. I think though after a year of seeing him off and on I am at a place with him that either needs to go somewhere or end. 

You see, he has lots of baggage. He has an ex wife (not legally yet)with cancer who he left two years ago, and a “roommate” that wants to share more than the bills. So I get the leftovers. For a while the leftovers were ok but we have started to fall for each other. Neither one of us is in a position to just pick up and have a real relationship though. After all, I am a bitch no one can live with and he has too many obligations and not much left to give me. I think that the time has come to end it even though I really, really like him and could actually see us being together for a long time. 

So why am I writing this. What am I going to do if I am still seeing both of these guys when something that is really good comes along? The good guy, the guy that everyone else always saw as a friend (even me) has an interest in me and we have gone on a few dates and even done things that I would have never thought we would be doing together. He is nice. He loves me and has for a long, long time. Why do I feel the need to run away? I told him when we first started dating that I have plans to move out of the state in the fall. He cannot fall for me. I will break his heart and use him like a doormat. I have tried to tell him and warn him that I am bad news. He doesn't care. 

So here is my dilemma…

I have kicked out boyfriend who I can be myself around, say anything to, use and abuse, and sometimes I let him use and abuse me. I have client boyfriend who I still get butterflies in my stomach when he comes to see me and wish he would never leave when I have him near. And new sweet guy who would love me forever and ever and I could see a future with. My solution…keep to my move out of state plan in the fall and try to figure out who I really am. If at some point I move back maybe there would be an answer waiting if I don’t create the same drama for myself in a different location. 

Why have I chosen a life so difficult and messy? Am I torturing myself or giving myself what I think I deserve? I am not happy….don’t know what would make me happy. I have good moments and think, “this is what I want” and then the next moment it is gone. After 20 years of doing everything for everyone else I have no idea what I want for me. I thought being free would be fun and I could be selfish without regrets and maybe be able to figure it out. It has been three long years and right now I feel worse than that day I left. Still no better off, still not knowing what is out there for me.

Right now I have three amazing people who I push and push away and they keep coming back. I don’t communicate with them first. I am not needy and do not answer their texts or calls right away. They all know that we are not exclusive. But who here is really being used? I could be happy with any of them. They all have about the same chance with me, they all have the same amount of baggage. Would any of them go “all in” with me or is this all just a game they are playing? Time to make big changes and figure all of 

this out.

A Bitter Pill to Swallow

I was going to write my resolution post.  In fact it was half written before I had to stop.  I was going to finish and post it today, but then I read a Facebook post from a a friend of mine, well sort of friend.  He's more like a social media friend who I should know.  He lives probably 15 minutes from me, he was a bouncer at the club I hung out at in my twenties, but neither of us can recall each other.  The only interaction I ever can even recall with him was when he broke up the only bar fight I have ever been in that occurred in the ladies restroom.  My underage friend who I was buying drinks for started it and we probably should have been thrown out for it, but membership has it's privileges and the preppy girls who were the catalyst got the boot - but I'm off topic now.

I am paraphrasing, but he said why make resolutions at the first of the year when changes can be made at anytime.   "It is your life and no calender should dictate when you make changes to better yourself." He can be very wise and I hope to have him write a post soon.

I have been very bitter these past few weeks,  Very bitter indeed.  It seems to be infecting my soul. I have had two issues really.  1) I want to finally grow up or maybe it's to become an adult.  I'm not sure.  I'm one, but not the other and I don't know which.  2) I am just plain unhappy and jealous of other people's happiness.  The two kind of tie into each other.  It started it with Bootcamp Guy around Thanksgiving.  He had pictures posted of his dinner with his mom and I noticed that Toe Ring Tramp was the one who posted them.  It was then when I realized he and I could have never worked because I would have had to choose dinner with him or dinner with Gman. It was then I realized - I am not ready for that kind of relationship.  That was kind of when the adult/grown up thing started to seep in.

I mean I am over 18.  I am old enough to vote and old enough to drink. I hold a full time job.  I have a car and insurance payment, but that is where it ends.  I don't see many women my age who play video games and like anime.  I am always the odd one out wherever I work because I am just not like everyone else.  I am coming to a point where I want to be though.  I go to the park or Gman's school functions and I don't fit in with the other mom's. This sucks, because my son is very social and gets invited to a lot of parties.  I just end up sitting in the corner because the other moms are huddled in their mom cliques and I'm not a part of it.  It's kind of like high school all over again.

Then we go back to bitter.  Again sort of fueled by Bootcamp Guy who is currently whisking Toe Ring Tramp all over England.  While I am not making resolutions, I am officially done stalking his FB profile to torture myself.  Why am I bitter?  Because I never seem to the "one" for anyone.  When we were ending, he had the audacity to tell me "well you were once when you got married."  Yeah, well so were you Mr. Going on Divorce Number 2.  I look at my ex on Facebook and see he is happily married to the gal he dated after me.  After 4 kids and 12 years of marriage and they are still going strong,  What did she have that I didn't - besides being the sister of his ex roommates wife.  A dear friend of mine met a lovely lady on a successful dating site last year and married her before the end of the year. Hello,  I am the queen of online dating and have been entirely unsuccessful.  I find myself seething in envy.

Why am I writing this?  Is this one of my famous pity parties table for one?  No, No it isn't.  This is my proverbial letter you write then throw so that you rid it from your life. I can't actually do that though because I am not allowed near the fire place for fear I will burn the place down. (geez- you set one lousy cutting board on fire on the stove and you NEVER live it down.)

What all this bitterness has taught me is that you can't complain about the hand you are dealt when you keep playing with the same poisoned deck of cards.  You can't complain that nobody likes you when you don't present something worth liking.  You can't cry about about what you aren't when you aren't trying to make yourself what you think you should be or better yet - could be.

So I light my bonfire and let the flames reach towards the sky.  I cast bitterness into the fire along with jealously, fears and rage.  I will still be the same me who will make the same mistakes, but I will have let go of the demons holding me down and holding me back.  Maybe though, just maybe though - I may learn from a mistake or two.

Hey I hear you laughing over there....you could at least try to stifle your giggles! :)

Keep Calm and Grinch On

I told myself I wasn't going to write this.  I was going to be positive this year.  Apparently I lied to myself.  It's OK, Christmas is over and Santa is too tired to pay attention to his naughty and nice list..

There are the annual gripes like having to go out and find the tree, decorate it and even top it with a star with only the help of a 7 year old.  Ugh.  I hate the Christmas tree.  There were new ones like trying to get Gman ready for his first Christmas Eve Service at a new church and not having nice shoes for him.  Thank goodness it was a casual church and all the boys had on tennis shoes.  Then there are just the general I don't like Christmas humbugs

Moving back in with the ex was supposed to be saving me money, yet I am finding myself broke.  Totally broke.  Like I have only four cents in my checking account and nothing in my savings account broke.  If one of my attorneys hadn't so thoughtfully given us $15 Visa gift cards - I wouldn't have had enough money for gas to get to work.  It didn't help that 3 weeks ago I was out sick with a head cold that lead to two days without pay and then a bout of the flu that took me out for two more days without pay.  My contribution to my son's Christmas this year was ZERO.

My son is very pragmatic.  He isn't one of those kids who asks for everything and his Christmas's never resemble a pop up toy shop.  He only asked for four things this year.  An Xbox360 with Kinect because we finally have nobody living undeneath us. This wasn't happening because his dad wants a Playstation 4 after the holiday shopping madness dies down.  He wanted a kitten because we had to put our cat down last month.  This also wasn't happening because his dad wants to be pet free.  He asked for a flute.  A boy flute.  That was a maybe except I couldn't find one.  Lastly he wanted a science kit.  That should be easy right?  That was to be his Santa gift.  Except when the first chance you get to shop with someone else's money is Christmas Eve - you aren't going to find one - or anything else that I was able to drag out of him save for one movie.  I ended up getting him a Nerf gun that he apparently already had.  Nerf glow in the dark bullets that didn't even fit the gun I bought him, some PJ's that will only fit for this winter and the movie.  I had to write him a letter from Santa saying that his science kit must have fallen out of the sleigh and he would get one from him after the reindeer have rested.  I freaking had to give my child an IOU from Santa.  WORST MOM EVER.  Except he was so excited to have proof Santa was real and I was excited he didn't recognize my writing.

Thank goodness Grandma sent him a few presents so he actually had something to unwrap.  Thank goodness for KC for being my Christmas Angel and finding a science kit for him and a wizard's kit at that.  He is currently reading Harry Potter - so this was perfect.

Christmas breakfast was a failure because nobody wanted what we were having.  Christmas lunch was a failure because I was told it was under-cooked.   How do you undercook beanie weenies?  My grand dinner plan was shot when I was informed there wouldn't be enough time to cook it when we got back from KC's..  Thank you Von's for being open so that I could throw something together at the very last minute.  The ex got steak, the kid got chicken fingers and I got a mess to clean up - but we were all together.  

So even though I was in tears after the breakfast incident, even though the presents were sparse, even though most of the day was spent with the men folk playing their electronics - it ended on a good note.  The ex turned off the computer and helped Gman play wizard by making a test tube crystal ball.  They took a walk to 7-11 to get an orange soda and left me behind so I could have a precious few minutes to myself..  We ended the night by making funny videos on the Crazy Helium booth app on my ipad.  It ended with my son proclaiming that it was the best Christmas ever because he got his science kit, the movie he wanted and a lot of penguin stuff because penguins make everything better.

I still despise the holidays.  I still pretend I don't for the sake of Gman.  I just take comfort in knowing we have raised such an amazing child who can be so happy with so little.  Besides - I'll make it up on his birthday.  Video Game Truck anyone?

My Post of Thanks and the Chopped Reveal!

Finally.  I finally have everybody moved out of their respective places.  Now the unpacking begins.  You never really realize just how much stuff you have until you no longer have the places to hide stuff. With all the craziness of the move; I never got to write my day of thanks post that I do annually.  So less than a week late - here goes!

I am thankful that I am still alive.  Given that I halfheartedly tried to end it all earlier this year; I am thankful it failed.  I can reflect back and see just how much I have grown and despite the deep holes I fall into; there is always light above to lead me back.

I am thankful as always for my child.  Even though seven is the most exasperating age I have ever come up against, he is everything.  He has outgrown bedtime stories, lullabies & being tucked in (it's now called a blanket over).  He is opinionated, speaks far too maturely for his age and is a bundle of energy from the time he wakes up, to the time he proclaims it is bed time.  He is awesome and every struggle I have is eased by his hugs.

I am thankful for the separation from the ex.  It has allowed me to grow and become more confident in myself.  I am probably more dependent on him than I should be, but I am less dependent on him than I used to be.

I am thankful for Dr. B at Dover Shores Pet Clinic.  He is the most awesome and understanding vet in the world.  When I had to put my Simon down, he didn't make me feel guilty for it.  I wish he would have been there yesterday when I had to put my G kitty down.  The vet I had to go to made me feel horrible about it.  This another post for another time though.

I am thankful for the ex.  He has taken amazing care of my son during the separation and divorce. We seem to have reached a symbiosis of sorts. Sometimes we just work better together than apart  Time will tell if moving back in with him so that we could have such an amazing apartment was a good idea, but so far so good.  My son is the happiest though because now he has me all the time.

I am thankful for my friends both near and far. They remind me I am never alone.

I am thankful that I haven't found "love" yet.  As I stalk Bootcamp Guy's Facebook page, I realize that I am not ready for that kind of a grown up relationship.  Not sure if I could have easily picked a guy or my child as to whom I would spend the holidays with.  He's happy with his toe ring tramp and I am happy being mom again full time.

Now despite the above paragraph, I am thankful that I may actually have a date to my work Christmas party.  I am not holding my breath though.  Coast Guard Guy isn't exactly reliable despite his virtual pinky promise that he wouldn't flake again.

I am of course thankful for all my readers.  Without you, there would be no blog and I would just be writing to myself.  I supposed that is more sane than talking to myself, but I love being able to connect with people all around the world!

Lastly, I am thankful for the hair dresser who fixed my hair when I took the kitchen shears to my head.  I am a beauty school drop out, I KNOW better than to do these things, but I did it nonetheless.  The more I tried to fix it, the worse it got.

So here it is - the big reveal.  The hairdresser refused to do a pixie cut - so we compromised.  I look so adult now don't i? 

Happy Blogoversary

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date.  My little blog turned TWO YEARS OLD and in the whirlwind of trying to get my move coordinated - I missed it!

What a year it has been too! While the first year was more about getting my feet on the ground, this second year was more about actually taking steps and really putting myself out there.

I fell for 3 guys, all completely different and all so not meant to be.  One was my crazy room-mate who apparently was only interested in me when he was wasted.  Once he sobered up and found Jesus, he shunned me like I was Jezebel.  In his world I probably was.  If you remember when Fun Bobby on Friends got sober and he wasn't so fun - yeah that's him!

There was Coast Guard Guy.  He talked a very good game, but couldn't back it up.  When we were together it was amazing, but actually getting him to get together was a task in and of itself.  In the end - it wasn't worth the chase.  I am far too pretty to fall on my face for a man who can't make a reciprocal effort.

Then there was Bootcamp Guy.  I dated him for a whole month and to this day, I am not really sure why. I certainly feel like I was his rebound and it almost seemed like he was slumming it with me. I see him on Facebook with the Toe Ring Tramp and they go places, they take mini vacations and she is going oversees to meet his family next month.  All he ever did with me was take me on one bike ride and out to eat a lot.  He didn't even really put thought into my birthday - he went shopping at a drug store.    Me being stubborn, I  was bound and determined to prove the world wrong by dating a guy who wasn't my type and in the end - got dumped by a man who favors tighty whiteys. (hanging head in shame).  And no, I don't know why I still torture myself by looking up his facebook page to see the time he is having without me.  I never said I wasn't a glutton for punishment!

I had my share of Coffee Interrogations and I learned 1) I HATE coffee interrogations and 2) Beer Interrogations are much better.

While I had my share of younger guys hit on me - only one actually made the cut to get the cougar pass.  While he seemed perfect; I never heard back from him.

I jumped on the fitness treadmill and lost 10 pounds. Then, when I got dumped by Bootcamp Guy, started hanging at the ex's place more and more and fell off the treadmill, gained all the weight back and am now cursing myself for allowing myself to slump.  Once this move is over - I am going to jump back in.  I swear it!  I have a 5k I am supposed to run next month and it will be more of a walk!  My heart just isn't in the training and my foot has been troubling me lately,  Yes, I may be the last one to cross the finish line, but I will FINISH!

This blog cycle is also where I feel like I connected with more of my girlfriends.  KC and I have become very close and I need that.  It is very hard having all my friends on the other side of the states,  It is really awesome to have one close friend close by.  I wasn't sure after my divorce if we would be since she was friends with the ex before I was, but we have more than withstood the test of time.

I still have the Blonde Angel and Redheaded Devil.  I consult them from everything to what I should wear on a coffee interrogation to whether or not this move is wise.  Then I take what I want to hear, weigh it against what I need to hear and act accordingly.  I always have Supermom in the background too, but with two kids of her own and a three hour time difference, out chats are few and far between. Thank goodness for Facebook.

I joined a couple of writing groups on Facebook and these women inspire me to great lengths.  I still can't find the damn flighty muse 90% of the time, but if I could - there isn't a better bunch the gals at Midlife Boulevard and of course Jane Gassner's Midlife Bloggers.

I bought a car, held on to my job yet another year and got a small raise.  I got to see my son star in his school's performance of Aladdin and a cuter Aladdin you will never see (let's hear it for the first grader who got the lead role!)

It was certainly a year of a lot of self growth. I learned a lot about who I am and what I want.  OK, I really don't know what I want and doubt I ever will.  I need to continuing focusing on making myself happy and stop relying on the attention of others to lift me up.

What will the third year of my blog bring?  Who knows!  All I know is I am locked into a fourteen month lease with a man who tolerates me and a kid who I love.  I don't really know how the dating thing is going to work now that I will be living with my ex again. There are no plans for reconciliation, but a break from trying to find love might be well needed. This year has taught me that as much as I think I want love - I am not ready for it.

So bring it on year three!  I can't wait!

Falling

Andy Williams may have crooned that Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year, but I disagree.  I have two favorite seasons.  Spring and Fall.  Glory ho if Fall isn't upon us which just makes me happier than a pig in mud with a full trough of corn!

Fall in Southern California is so much different that Southwest Ohio.  So much so that I recall mentally complaining how hot it was a week before Halloween as I was sweating trying to get my son ready for trick or treating at the zoo.  We had to wait until the sun went down a bit to put his costume on because he had a latex zombie chest attached to the front of his costume.  In my day, I remember being bundled up and having to buy the costume in a larger size so that it would fit over your winter coat.  Back home the low is forcasted to hit below freezing next week, while I will be complaining over a chilly 50 something degrees.  Back home the leaves will change and then fall; here the leaves will stay green save for a few types of trees that may or may not lose it leaves.

Fall is comfort to me.  

I wait all year to be able to break out my scarves.  I can only usually wait until mid September and look like a foot when the Santa Ana winds come in and it's 80 degrees out. Scarves replace the chunky necklaces that are my staple during spring and summer.  

It means I can pull out my boots. Both kind.  My stylish black knee high boots and my Uggs.  Uggs you say? In Southern California 50-60 degree weather?  Yes I say.  I HATE being cold.  HATE HATE HATE it and 50 degrees is cold to me now that I am fully acclimated here..  I am not a true So Cal gal though because I won't wear them with shorts and a tank top. (Ok fine - that is a small lie - I did ONCE., but the ex and I were fighting and I was in a hurry to get out of there as quick as I could.  I was in workout gear and my boots were the fastest thing I could get on my feet.  A moment I am not proud of.).

It means fuzzy jammies. Both the footed kind and the non-footed kind.  For both me and my son.  Do you know how snuggley a child is in fleece footed jammies as he crawls into bed with you in the morning still warm from his bed?  NOTHING beats that.  Do I look totally ridiculous in my Hello Kitty pink footed jammies.  Yep!  Do I care?  Nope.  Do I think my fleece leopard print Animal face (from the Muppets) rock?  Yes I do. Angry Bird, Star Wars, stripes and polka dot fleece pants? Check, Check, Check and Check.  No the last ones are not striped AND polka dotted.  They are seperate pants.  Lets not get TOO cray cray.

It means I can actually cover up with the most awesome blanket in the history of blankets.  It's pink soft pile on one side and velour on the other.  It is highly coveted in my household from the cat, the kid and the ex.  I fight all of them for use of MY blanket.  At least the kid offers up his Perry the Platypus blanket in exchange.

It means comfort food.  Soups! (Hello Specialty's Cafe - waiting on the cream of chicken and wild rice soup to come back ASAP!!!).  Stews as in my famous (well in my house at least) beef stew and chicken pot pie stew.  It means I can bake pies because it is no longer too hot to have the stove, much less the oven going,

Lastly it means Thanksgiving is soon upon us, where if we are all getting along, a glorious family day.  Where everyone including Gman helps with dinner. Where we count our blessing  Afterwards we usually head to my friend KC's house and spend a few hours with her family where we know we are blessed because we have good friends.

What can I say?  I just LOVE Fall!

To Chop or Not to Chop

There is something in the air in Southern California.  It is perhaps a mild epidemic.  Starlets are cutting their hair.  SHORT.

Beyonce did it a few months ago (but then quickly threw in extensions), Kristin Chenowith and Jennifer Aniston did it last week, but most drastically I think was Pamela Anderson's cut.  Her trademark wavy locks were shorn down to a very short pixie cut.  Some thought it may have been a wig, but I doubt one would sport a wig and a ball cap when running a marathon.

This is my hair today.  I didn't do anything to it.  I don't even think I brushed it.  It's wavy, it's thick and it is everywhere.  If I ever visit your house, don't be mad when a week later your husband comes home with blonde hair on his jacket that isn't yours.  It's my hair infiltrating your life.  I may not have visited the ex's place for a week, yet his vacuum roller will be clogged with my hair.  It is simply omnipotent. 

I have a lot of hair.  When I say a lot I mean A LOT.  When I went as Garth to my Halloween party.  I didn't need a wig.  Just a teasing comb and a lot of Aqua Net. When I eat, I have to pull it back or I get a mouth full of hair with my fork full of dinner.  When I am driving,  I have to pull it back or it gets stuck in my lipgloss.  When I sleep, it has to be pulled to the top of my head either in a bun or valley girl pony tail style or it will try to suffocate me. The ends always look fried no matter how often I get it trimmed.  If 80's hair ever makes a comeback - I am SET!

So now I want to chop mine off.  Badly.  My brain keeps telling me that I have a fat face, that I have a double chin and that I will regret it.  My soul is saying I need a change, that it will be easier to take care of (a little Garnier Surf Wax and I am good to go) and I will save a bundle on the expensive Organix Macadamia Oil shampoo and conditioner I swear by. 

What are your thoughts on what I should do to my golden tresses?

Full Circle

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my divorce.  With that has come the strangest turn of events. As usual - these things really do only happen to me.

My ex's landlord is a slumlord to say the least.  He purchased the building from the old landlord in June and our first encounter with him was when he found him peeing on the back of the building underneath the ex's bedroom.  So classy.  When the hot water went out in September, he tried to use a unlicensed plumber to fix the job to save a few bucks.  After a few days of having to take cold showers and sending my son to my place for showers; the ex asked to be put up in a hotel for the night so he could take a hot one.  The landlord said tough luck.  The ex called the city.  The city came out and fined him for not pulling permits for a total repiping and the guy was finally forced to get a licensed plumber. In the mean time - the ex suffered through 2 weeks of cold showers and threatened to take the guy to court if he didn't discount the rent.  The landlord did so begrudgingly, but then he threw a 10% rent increase at him starting December 1st - the 2nd one in 6 months.  It was totally retaliatory, but the ex decided it was just easier to fight him in court over the deposit, than to deal with him over the rent.  The rent will be higher than the comps in the area with refurbished kitchens which his does not have.  So he gave his 30 day notice.

When I went to pay my rent, I was informed that my landlord is moving her mother in because she is sick and since I have the shortest tenancy - my room is the room she gets.  Now I personally think that the hot dumb housemate should have gotten the boot considering the drunken grief he gave everyone before he sobered up, but not my house - so I have no say.

Now, we both need a new place to live.  I am honestly at the ex's more than I am my own place.  I joke that I spend $745 a month on a closet. So, it was decided that we are going to get place together with all the amenities we are currently lacking.

For instance:

• A washer and dryer in the unit.  Do you know how frustrating it is when you have to share one washer with 5 other people?  It means that I rarely got to do my laundry and ended up having to do it at the ex's anyway.  
• A dishwasher.  This doesn't seem like a big luxury, but I HATE doing dishes and haven't had access to one in 12 years.  Some of the biggest fights between me & the ex were over the dishes not being done.  
• A pool.  Sure we live in sunny Southern California with a beach about 10 minutes away.  The problem is there is never parking at the beach in the summer because everybody and their mother is there, plus all the tourists.  (Those are the ones splashing in the water in early June before the water has had a chance to warm up). It gets damn hot here come August and it will be nice to just go for a dip when we are sweating in places it isn't polite to sweat.
•  A gym with equipment and free weights.  This will save me $30 a month in gym membership.

More importantly though - I get equal access to my son and don't have to look for a place that will let me have him there.  This is not as easy as it seems and even though I have been fortunate enough to find 2 places that would let me have him - I still needed to give notice that he would be there.  If I am living with him- I get to be full time mom again.  Dad can now take time to do what he wants without me having to clear it through the channels because I will be there to watch GMan. 

Is this going to work? Maybe third time is the charm? Who knows - but we seem to be actually working together for maybe the 1st time ever.  We are discussing things instead of yelling over each other and attempting to hear each other out.  We acknowledged that each of us have strengths that the other lacks.  I am not saying we have reconciled.  Not by any means.  I am pretty sure this will put the kibosh on dating for awhile though.  It isn't like there is whole lot going on in that department anyways.  All I know is that I have one happy 7 year old who gets a pool and both parents back for now and I will be saving $100 a month.  I just hope my soul was worth that much.

Out Nerded

Why, why oh why do I continue to do this to myself?  I don't get it.  Oh wait, because I have a blog that depends on it and I know you love to live vicariously through my drama.

So I had yet another why do I do this to myself first and last date again Friday.  We chased each other across the internet for a few months when finally he asked why we had not met for coffee yet.  I told him simply "You never asked".   Even then, it took at least a month before that took place.  First he missed a bill and messed up his checking account, then he had to lend his mom money, etc.  Small red flags yes, but he seemed really interesting and if nothing else he could always be friend zoned. We finally agreed to meet for tea on Friday.  This seemed like a nice twist to the typical coffee interrogation. 

Of course by the time Friday had rolled around - I really had no interest in doing this anymore.  I had an excruciating day at work and even though it was casual Friday - I could have looked cuter. There was no point in going home to freshen up beforehand though because of where we were meeting  My hair was a wavy and unruly mess. I was sweaty from moving files all day, but I always have body spray in my purse.  I just wasn't as primed or put together as I normally would be.  Case in point - the date the week before took me 3 leisurely hours to get ready for because I wanted everything to be perfect.  This time I didn't care.

I battled Southern California rush hour traffic to get to the tea shop and remembered just how much I despised that commute.  Apparently this place was right down the street from an old job of mine.  I get there and he is waiting.  The first thing I notice is he is short.  I mean really short.  I'm 5'2" and had on 4" wedge sandals.  So that made me a whopping 5'6".  I was taller than him in my shoes.  All my heels are 3-4" so I would always be taller than him or would always have to wear flats.  Even his arms seemed short. Not like little people short;  just abnormally short.  I have nothing against short guys, but given how short I am - I do prefer the guy to be taller than me. There is something to be said about kissing a guy on your tip toes.  Maybe that's just a me thing though.  

We got our tea and he never stopped talking.  I found his racing stuff interesting and loved his car - I do have a thing for Mustangs, but seriously.  I don't think I got 10 words in all night.  Then he started talking video games.  That was the thread in commonality, but he out nerded me.  This is hard to do.  He name dropped every single person who ever held any executive position at any game company within a 3 state radius. I smiled and nodded because there was no interrupting him,  Everytime I tried to start a thought - he would interject his own story.

The kicker was when someone walked into the tea store with a dog.  He went banaynay. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, oh my gosh. that is the cutest puppy EVER".  Seriously?  He then proceeded to go on and on about how it looked like a cotton ball with legs, how cute it was and a few more awwws.  By then I was grasping for a way out.  Any way out.  He suggested we walk around.  It was a strip plaza, so to walk the whole thing took about 5 minutes.  He told me about his gall stones and how he could only eat a totally fat free diet.. He told me he doesn't drink - ever.  Not because he has a problem with it, he just doesn't.  For someone who gave the impression of being so interesting - this guy was dullsville.  He suggested we go buy a cotton ball puppy ourselves as a way to extend the night and THAT was the final straw.  I excused myself saying I had a test to study for & thanked him for the tea.  I high tailed it out of there as fast as my four cylinder gutless wonder Civic would take me.

I have so little free time and few things are more frustrating than knowing that hour you wasted you will never get back.  So, I think at this point - I am back on a self imposed hiatus - well until it is time for me to scrounge up a date for my Christmas party, or until something else wicked this way comes. Between not really hearing back from the guy from the weekend before that I WANTED to go with again and this guy who was the polar opposite - I don't think the stars are aligned for romance at the moment and I'm OK with that.    For once - I am truly OK!

On the plus side though - I did learn I like vanilla chai.  I guess it was a total loss. 

Climbing Up the Scratching Post

Take your age.  43.  Divide it by half.  21.5.  Add 7.  28.5.  I dodged the bullet by .5.  So for now my cougar claws get to stay retracted.   HOWEVER - it doesn't change the fact that I went out with a 29 year old last night.  Heeeeeeeeeey.

It started simple enough.  A message that for all intents and purposes I would normally ignore because I have a hard and fast rule that a guy should be at least 35.  I have too many damn rules!  It wasn't an obnoxious message so I responded back.  After the obligatory how are you chat, he asked if  I had exciting plans for the weekend.  I said I didn't and what he would recommend?  He told me I could check out Newport Beach for the sights and sounds, Laguna Beach for good live music or possible hang out with him?  All right, he we go... "hang out".  The usual response. I asked what his definition of hanging out was, fully expecting "why don't I come over and watch a movie".  He said "meet for coffee or tea."  I said "sure sounds like a plan",  fully expecting to bail out of it.  Funny thing is, he didn't message or text me a lot.  Enough to show interest, not enough that I knew his whole life story.  I had no reason to chicken or bail.

This was a new twist.

Friday night he confirmed we were still on.  Saturday he suggested we meet at a popular outdoor mall that is known more for it's entertainment value than shopping; although there is plenty of that too.  Again; this is new territory for me.  Rare that a guy -  much less a young one, actually sets a  plan and puts it in motion.

I should have been nervous.  I wasn't.  Maybe because I knew he was young and if nothing else - it would make for good blog fodder.  I looked great (At least I think I did).  I went with cute yet casual.  It wasn't until I was ready to leave that the "WTF am I about to do?" set in.   I was 14 when he was born.  I was legally drinking and he was slurping Capri Suns.  With 30 minutes until the date though, there was no turning back and no nerve calming shot because I was driving.  So off I went.  I was late, but I hit stupid traffic and parking was a nightmare.  I finally found where we were meeting AFTER walking around the whole shopping center.  I found him and so the date began.  He was cute.  That is always a good start. There have been times where I wanted to run before hello was ever uttered simply by the way he looked.  Yes, I can be shallow.  No, you didn't need to remind me.

We went to one restaurant but it was crowded, so we went to another one.    We took an outside table and it was awesome.  That's all I can say.  Despite the age disparity, we had SO much in common.  The conversation never died.  He was engaging, finny and charming.  I think I was engaging.  I didn't let the conversation lag on my end.  He seemed to respond well to me and he had me laughing the whole time.  Three hours later we had to relinquish the table.  I have never had a 1st date that lasted that long.

Ever the gentleman.  He paid for the evening.  Working on my feminine wiles, I let him.  He walked me to my car.  He hugged me goodbye and thus the evening end.  I gave the obligatory text telling him that I was a simply awesome time and thanked him for it.  He texted back it was indeed glorious.  I of course immediately took it as sarcasm because I can't actually allow myself to think someone enjoyed my company.  I didn't react though.  I simply let him know that I looked forward to outing number two if he was so inclined.  He said that would be nice and cracked a joke from the date.

So, since I am working on  said feminine wiles, I will leave the ball in his court.  I let my further interest known.  I guess we will see where it goes. All I know is that I maintained eye contact, didn't have my wall up to the moon and even if I never hear from him again - I still managed to have a successful evening out!

MEOW!

I Guess I Can Check Crazy Psycho off the Bucket List

I have a guy friend that I recently reconnected with.  I've known him since I was 19 and lost track of him around 23.  Turns out he lives 45 minutes away from without traffic or 2 hours away if you can't read your google printed directions, don't know your phone has voice guided GPS and get lost in downtown LA.  (The ONE time I'm accidentally in the Fashion District and of course I"M BROKE).  My friend is amazeballs.  The kind of amazeballs that you want to lick chocolate syrup off of him in hopes that you can lick off some of his amazeballness and you too will be a little amazeballs. OK - MAYBE I'm the only one who want to lick syrup off his head - but it doesn't negate just how incredibly awesome this guy is.  He also sadly (for me) has an amazing girlfriend.  I met her briefly, but the way his whole face lit up when she walked in the room told me all I needed to know.  She too is probably pretty amazeballs.

So I asked him how he met this lady and he told me he went to his least compatible match on a dating site and chatted her up.  Almost 2 years later - they are still together and obviously happy.  So I thought to myself (yes I know how dangerous a prospect that is) that what could it hurt?  I mean I am finally over stupid Boot Camp Guy & his Toe Ring Tramp whom he is taking to England to meet mum (no really - I'm over it) I went online, scrolled down to the bottom of my prospects & there he was.   34% match 47% friend 57% enemy or close to it.  He was cute, but I didn't send him a message because my phone glitched.  Apparently my phone knew something I didn't.

He messaged me later and we got to talking.  He was very intelligent, liked that I was geeky and we decided we should meet over the weekend.  I thought my amazeball friend was really onto something.

I talked to this guy on the phone Saturday and he bored me to tears.  He was really soft spoken and the connection wasn't there, or maybe I just had the sinus headache from hell. Either way.  I made an excuse to get off the phone and somehow ended up over at the ex's.  I mean it was Saturday night & there was raiding to do in WoW.  I texted the guy back saying maybe we could hang out later in the week. (Yes I do know that wasn't going to happen - but it might have.)  That is when he got weird.  

He told me that he thought we were going to hang out THAT night and I told him that I was sorry, but my child was sick.  He asked if I had him at my place and I told him no, I was at his place.  Dude went cray cray.  Suddenly I was dishonest, I lied in my profile. why did I get divorced if I still live there and on and on.  He told me it was a deal breaker.  I told him it is what it is.  That sent him off on another tangent about how incoherent it was that sentence was.  I told him I obviously wasn't the droid he was looking for and good luck.  He THEN proceeded to tell me he wasn't looking for a droid and what did that mean?  SERIOUSLY?  You don't even get one of the most famous movie references in the history of the world?  I will die a single lady and never have sex again before I will date a guy who doesn't know that line from STAR WARS.  Geek girl - kind of mandatory my mate knows this.  I told him I was going to sleep and good night.

3 more crazy texts before I even put the phone down.  I woke up the following day and told him last night was a deal breaker and good luck.  OH MAH GAH, you would have thought I killed his puppy and left the carcass on his door mat.  Dude went off.  Called me a bitch and self serving.  Well yeah, but he hadn't really gotten to know me well enough to make the assumption.  I told him he was psycho and to stop texting me.  It took 21 more psycho texts from him before he stopped.  I stopped responding after the 2nd one.

I think it is safe to say that I dodged a bullet on that one.  It's been a long time since I had a psycho stalker.    I think the last one was 1997 where this guy would follow me around the club, write me poetry and stare at me as I drunkly made out with my man candy of the moment.  I could understand if the guy had actually met me.  I mean, this kind of fabulosity could drive anyone crazy (hey - a girl can dream can't she?).  I have yet to relay this to my dear friend Saucywritergirl because I know the lecture that would have follow from her brilliant yet over active imagination.

So I lived to write another blog post and when I finish Freaks & Geeks on Netflix - I'll get myself back out there.  I promise!

I Got Played

Seriously, the next time someone tells me to go for someone who so isn't my type - I am going to smile pretty and them promptly ignore them.  I don't care that I may get a free meal out of it!  I've gained 5 freaking pounds back.  My landlord, my trainer and even  my blonde haired angel said go for it. The redheaded devil said don't do it.  Now if that isn't a strange dichotomy - I don't know what it.  When is the devil ever the one to tell you no - well when it is one of your best friends who knows you better than anyone.

I learned a few valuable lessons though.

I learned that it is possible for me to date a nice guy without devouring him, spitting him out and then leaving his remains for the vultures. I guess I have grown a bit since my twenties,

I learned the "nice guy" isn't always so nice.

I learned that while I may be "grown up", I am not ready to date an adult

I learned I really wasn't being myself.

My gentlemanly scientist, who told me he didn't know what he wanted, that he needed to take it slow, and he needed space to do things solo was lying.  Turns out that there was someone else who was getting his weekend time, who he was taking places besides dinner and getting his "solo" time.  He didn't need to take it slow with her.  He sure seemed to know what he wanted with her and willing to spend all of his free time with her. When questioned about it, he told me I was making it sound a lot more serious than it was and I was reading way more into it.  It was very recent and not at all what I thought.  I bought it.  I was a fool. 

The following day, he told me he was on his way to San Diego.  Well that told me where she lived.  I went onto facebook to do some snooping and found her.  I didn't know it was her until I saw her cover photo of four feet in the sand and two of them were his.  That told me all I needed to know.  We had joked in the past how nothing was official until you change the facebook status and he informed me that wasn't something he was ready for.  Well after two weeks of dating her  "San Diego Toe Ring Trollop is now in a Relationship with Boot Camp Guy".  Then she updated a pic of the two of them at a museum.  

Just WOW. I guess what he meant to say  to me is - I don't want you, but you are good in bed, so I'll drag it out as long as I can.

I sent him a text message congratulating him and it was drizzled with sarcasm.  He replied "Thank you, it just felt right".  I told him I was being sarcastic and to keep the nail polish - it might accentuate her toe rings.  I then deleted his phone number and unfriended him.

Whatever.  I hope they are happy and her toe rings get caught in his back hair.

The more I think about it - I really wasn't being myself.  I was being quiet and meek and what I thought he needed and it was stifling.  I mean I am all that in the beginning, but once I know you - there is no shutting me up.  I wasn't like that with him.  I was conservative.  I had nothing to talk about.  Truthfully, I was bored.  He just gave me the attention I was craving and I let that cloud my judgement.  I thought if someone so accomplished could like me, then I must be moving on up.  I was wrong.  I wasn't motivated enough for him, my circumstances were too much for him to overcome and I'm not where most women my age should be.

You know what - too bad so sad.  It never would have worked.  He doesn't watch cartoons (Adventure Time anyone), he doesn't play my style of video games & sorry, but I LOVE Duck Dynasty even in reruns!

The man for me won't care that I couldn't to go to school this semester because I couldn't afford it.  That yes, I am presently a file clerk who makes under $30k a year in So Cal and lives in a house with many housemates. It beats being unemployed and living in a homeless shelter which is where I was 3 years ago. 

So it's back to square one.  The square that contains me getting back to me.  Because I am the ONE for me.

Miss Movin' On

Sure, I wrote a nice shiny post about how the rest of you should deal with breakups;  but we all know I never follow my own advice.  Nor do I find myself following anyone else's advice.  I did take a nap, a bath, binged on chocolate fro yo & gained back 4 pounds (well that isn't SOLELY from the fro yo).   I just can't move past it.  

I tried in vain to get him back, but it was fruitless because he was seeing somebody else.  Yes, I know there was no exclusivity, but it would have been nice to know.  He told me it had never come up.  Well I seem to recall me saying "I'm not seeing anybody else, and as far as I know - you haven't put yourself in a position where you are seeing anybody else, so if you don't know what you want - then where does that leave us?"  OK, in his defense that probably wasn't the best time to drop that particular bomb.

You know what it is...it IS my ego being sorely bruised. Not that I couldn't get him back, but I feel like everything he said was false.  "I don't know what I want, I don't want a relationship,  I need to take this slow."  Well it sure seemed like he knew what he wanted with the other chick.  Hell, she spent the weekend with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep on his ever so comfortable couch. If I got 3 hours with him on any given occasion - it was an accomplishment and every evening ended with me leaving.   I feel like I was the rebound.  That every baby step he took with me just empowered him for her.  That's what hurts. 

Then the self doubting sirens start singing their song.  Why WASN'T I good enough?   What did she have that I didn't?  When am I ever going to be the one that is worth it?  Well those are easy questions.  I wasn't the one for him.  She probably doesn't have kids and doesn't live near by which makes a true relationship easy to not have to deal with.  When I realize that I AM worth it and if they can't see it, then I shouldn't waste my time crying and binging because it's done.

For the first time since last week I have finally put mascara on because I know the tears have finally dried. So I don't need to text him anymore.  I don't need to psycho stalk his house.  I know when he is usually at the gym and can avoid him, but it sucks.  I feel like I should have listened to myself when I said he wasn't my type.  I shouldn't have listened when I was told by everyone except the redheaded devil to go out with him. Other than a few blog posts, I don't feel like I got a lot out of it except heartbreak, confusion and a crappy birthday week.  I must remind myself of my motto - Any experience - good or bad was worth it if you learned something from it. 

So Now What?

Congratulations.

You put yourself out there.  You dipped your toe into the dating pool and decided the water wasn't fine and you want to get out of it. That the comfort of your big fluffy towel was better than the comfort of his hairy back or her hairy - well nevermind.  Either way you've decided to end it.  Or maybe you are on the receiving end.  You thought you were happily floating in your pool and the next thing you know - the water drained out and you are you are sitting in a pool of wet soggy grass.

Here are a few pop culture tips for the socially awkward to help you through this troubled time.

• Let Er Rip

Seriously.  We're adults.  Just be honest.

• It's Not You - It's Me.

When they tell you it's isn't you - it's me - Listen to your Uncle SI

• "I'm sorry. You are so special and beautiful and BLAH BLAH BLAH"

For the love of monkeys - don't tell them how special they are when you are trying to break up.  If they were so freaking special - you wouldn't be ending it!  In the end - they just feel worse

• When All Else Fails

When it's over.  It's over.  Don't dwell.  Don't make yourself miserable.  Even if you were hormonal and psychotic - there was a reason it ended or you ended it..  It sucks.  It hurts.  It's everything wrapped up into a ball of popped bubble wrap. It's time to move on.

In other words.  Do something for you.  Something that makes you happy.  If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else ever will.

• Lastly ALWAYS remember this gem.

Because you are & you didn't need me to tell you that - but it is ALWAYS nice to hear!

Show Some Love!

Forbes Magazine is looking for Nominations for their 100 Best Blogs for Women.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/katetaylor/2013/08/07/nominate-your-picks-for-the-100-best-websites-for-women-2013/

What are you waiting for?  Go nominate your favorite trainwreck (that's me just in case it's too early or too late for you depending on your geographic location!)

Mad love to all my readers and on a serious note - I would be truly honored if you enjoy my blog enough to do so!

Super Secret Psycho Drive By Stalking

Once the hormonal banshee left my system - I realized that I might have been over impetuous or I just really hate being alone.  Either way I thought maybe I would try to get Boot Camp Guy back

Several unanswered texts called for desperate measures in my mind. My ego was on the line. We had a connection. Surely after a couple of days to think - he would come to his senses?  So before my party on Saturday - I decided I would go over to Boot Camp Guy's house and somehow try to retrieve what was lost.  There was a change in wardrobe plan only because I couldn't find a belt to match the ruby red shoes that would have made even Dorothy jealous. In the end I looked even better in the new outfit.  It was a surefire plan.  I had nothing to lose - it was already lost.

I however wasn't exactly prepared for what followed.  

I drove over to his house and as I got closer - I saw a car parked in front of the house - parked where I usually parked I might add.  He doesn't really live on a busy street, so there was no reason to believe he didn't have company.  I have done some dumb things in my life - but just knocking on his door would have been very dumb; so  I called him on the off chance that it wasn't parked there for him. He didn't answer. That is never a good sign and obviously I didn't leave a message.  I did a circle around and realized this car had a hibiscus sticker on the back window.  Cue the sinister music....he had another woman over!!!!!

And my heart fell. 

This is the guy who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Who needed space to do his own things SOLO.  Who thought it was better to cut it off before it got too serious even though he really liked me.  And now he is out with someone else - even worse - probably cooking her dinner.

Not one to ever leave well enough alone - I drove by again last night.  THE CAR WAS STILL THERE and this time they weren't home. I wanted to throw up.  I was never allowed to spend that much time with him at once. Now that I think about it - maybe this person was always in the background and that is why he limited his time with me.  Maybe he is reconciling with his wife? I don't know, but the more I think about it - the harder it is to breathe.  It can be a million things, but it's pretty clear to me - we aren't getting back together.

If it didn't work in my twenties, I'm not sure why I thought it would work in my forties.  The lesson is that  Super Secret Psycho Drive Bys cause nothing but woe and I'm not happy unless I am learning it the hard way.  It may also speak volumes why I'm still single ;)

UPDATE....Dateline August 12, 2013.  My suspicions were correct - HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.  I guess you can just call me Miss Movin' On (yes I blame my child's obsession with pop music for infiltrating my brain with such gems)