Happy Blogoversary

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date.  My little blog turned TWO YEARS OLD and in the whirlwind of trying to get my move coordinated - I missed it!

What a year it has been too! While the first year was more about getting my feet on the ground, this second year was more about actually taking steps and really putting myself out there.

I fell for 3 guys, all completely different and all so not meant to be.  One was my crazy room-mate who apparently was only interested in me when he was wasted.  Once he sobered up and found Jesus, he shunned me like I was Jezebel.  In his world I probably was.  If you remember when Fun Bobby on Friends got sober and he wasn't so fun - yeah that's him!

There was Coast Guard Guy.  He talked a very good game, but couldn't back it up.  When we were together it was amazing, but actually getting him to get together was a task in and of itself.  In the end - it wasn't worth the chase.  I am far too pretty to fall on my face for a man who can't make a reciprocal effort.

Then there was Bootcamp Guy.  I dated him for a whole month and to this day, I am not really sure why. I certainly feel like I was his rebound and it almost seemed like he was slumming it with me. I see him on Facebook with the Toe Ring Tramp and they go places, they take mini vacations and she is going oversees to meet his family next month.  All he ever did with me was take me on one bike ride and out to eat a lot.  He didn't even really put thought into my birthday - he went shopping at a drug store.    Me being stubborn, I  was bound and determined to prove the world wrong by dating a guy who wasn't my type and in the end - got dumped by a man who favors tighty whiteys. (hanging head in shame).  And no, I don't know why I still torture myself by looking up his facebook page to see the time he is having without me.  I never said I wasn't a glutton for punishment!

I had my share of Coffee Interrogations and I learned 1) I HATE coffee interrogations and 2) Beer Interrogations are much better.

While I had my share of younger guys hit on me - only one actually made the cut to get the cougar pass.  While he seemed perfect; I never heard back from him.

I jumped on the fitness treadmill and lost 10 pounds. Then, when I got dumped by Bootcamp Guy, started hanging at the ex's place more and more and fell off the treadmill, gained all the weight back and am now cursing myself for allowing myself to slump.  Once this move is over - I am going to jump back in.  I swear it!  I have a 5k I am supposed to run next month and it will be more of a walk!  My heart just isn't in the training and my foot has been troubling me lately,  Yes, I may be the last one to cross the finish line, but I will FINISH!

This blog cycle is also where I feel like I connected with more of my girlfriends.  KC and I have become very close and I need that.  It is very hard having all my friends on the other side of the states,  It is really awesome to have one close friend close by.  I wasn't sure after my divorce if we would be since she was friends with the ex before I was, but we have more than withstood the test of time.

I still have the Blonde Angel and Redheaded Devil.  I consult them from everything to what I should wear on a coffee interrogation to whether or not this move is wise.  Then I take what I want to hear, weigh it against what I need to hear and act accordingly.  I always have Supermom in the background too, but with two kids of her own and a three hour time difference, out chats are few and far between. Thank goodness for Facebook.

I joined a couple of writing groups on Facebook and these women inspire me to great lengths.  I still can't find the damn flighty muse 90% of the time, but if I could - there isn't a better bunch the gals at Midlife Boulevard and of course Jane Gassner's Midlife Bloggers.

I bought a car, held on to my job yet another year and got a small raise.  I got to see my son star in his school's performance of Aladdin and a cuter Aladdin you will never see (let's hear it for the first grader who got the lead role!)

It was certainly a year of a lot of self growth. I learned a lot about who I am and what I want.  OK, I really don't know what I want and doubt I ever will.  I need to continuing focusing on making myself happy and stop relying on the attention of others to lift me up.

What will the third year of my blog bring?  Who knows!  All I know is I am locked into a fourteen month lease with a man who tolerates me and a kid who I love.  I don't really know how the dating thing is going to work now that I will be living with my ex again. There are no plans for reconciliation, but a break from trying to find love might be well needed. This year has taught me that as much as I think I want love - I am not ready for it.

So bring it on year three!  I can't wait!

Falling

Andy Williams may have crooned that Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year, but I disagree.  I have two favorite seasons.  Spring and Fall.  Glory ho if Fall isn't upon us which just makes me happier than a pig in mud with a full trough of corn!

Fall in Southern California is so much different that Southwest Ohio.  So much so that I recall mentally complaining how hot it was a week before Halloween as I was sweating trying to get my son ready for trick or treating at the zoo.  We had to wait until the sun went down a bit to put his costume on because he had a latex zombie chest attached to the front of his costume.  In my day, I remember being bundled up and having to buy the costume in a larger size so that it would fit over your winter coat.  Back home the low is forcasted to hit below freezing next week, while I will be complaining over a chilly 50 something degrees.  Back home the leaves will change and then fall; here the leaves will stay green save for a few types of trees that may or may not lose it leaves.

Fall is comfort to me.  

I wait all year to be able to break out my scarves.  I can only usually wait until mid September and look like a foot when the Santa Ana winds come in and it's 80 degrees out. Scarves replace the chunky necklaces that are my staple during spring and summer.  

It means I can pull out my boots. Both kind.  My stylish black knee high boots and my Uggs.  Uggs you say? In Southern California 50-60 degree weather?  Yes I say.  I HATE being cold.  HATE HATE HATE it and 50 degrees is cold to me now that I am fully acclimated here..  I am not a true So Cal gal though because I won't wear them with shorts and a tank top. (Ok fine - that is a small lie - I did ONCE., but the ex and I were fighting and I was in a hurry to get out of there as quick as I could.  I was in workout gear and my boots were the fastest thing I could get on my feet.  A moment I am not proud of.).

It means fuzzy jammies. Both the footed kind and the non-footed kind.  For both me and my son.  Do you know how snuggley a child is in fleece footed jammies as he crawls into bed with you in the morning still warm from his bed?  NOTHING beats that.  Do I look totally ridiculous in my Hello Kitty pink footed jammies.  Yep!  Do I care?  Nope.  Do I think my fleece leopard print Animal face (from the Muppets) rock?  Yes I do. Angry Bird, Star Wars, stripes and polka dot fleece pants? Check, Check, Check and Check.  No the last ones are not striped AND polka dotted.  They are seperate pants.  Lets not get TOO cray cray.

It means I can actually cover up with the most awesome blanket in the history of blankets.  It's pink soft pile on one side and velour on the other.  It is highly coveted in my household from the cat, the kid and the ex.  I fight all of them for use of MY blanket.  At least the kid offers up his Perry the Platypus blanket in exchange.

It means comfort food.  Soups! (Hello Specialty's Cafe - waiting on the cream of chicken and wild rice soup to come back ASAP!!!).  Stews as in my famous (well in my house at least) beef stew and chicken pot pie stew.  It means I can bake pies because it is no longer too hot to have the stove, much less the oven going,

Lastly it means Thanksgiving is soon upon us, where if we are all getting along, a glorious family day.  Where everyone including Gman helps with dinner. Where we count our blessing  Afterwards we usually head to my friend KC's house and spend a few hours with her family where we know we are blessed because we have good friends.

What can I say?  I just LOVE Fall!

To Chop or Not to Chop

There is something in the air in Southern California.  It is perhaps a mild epidemic.  Starlets are cutting their hair.  SHORT.

Beyonce did it a few months ago (but then quickly threw in extensions), Kristin Chenowith and Jennifer Aniston did it last week, but most drastically I think was Pamela Anderson's cut.  Her trademark wavy locks were shorn down to a very short pixie cut.  Some thought it may have been a wig, but I doubt one would sport a wig and a ball cap when running a marathon.

This is my hair today.  I didn't do anything to it.  I don't even think I brushed it.  It's wavy, it's thick and it is everywhere.  If I ever visit your house, don't be mad when a week later your husband comes home with blonde hair on his jacket that isn't yours.  It's my hair infiltrating your life.  I may not have visited the ex's place for a week, yet his vacuum roller will be clogged with my hair.  It is simply omnipotent. 

I have a lot of hair.  When I say a lot I mean A LOT.  When I went as Garth to my Halloween party.  I didn't need a wig.  Just a teasing comb and a lot of Aqua Net. When I eat, I have to pull it back or I get a mouth full of hair with my fork full of dinner.  When I am driving,  I have to pull it back or it gets stuck in my lipgloss.  When I sleep, it has to be pulled to the top of my head either in a bun or valley girl pony tail style or it will try to suffocate me. The ends always look fried no matter how often I get it trimmed.  If 80's hair ever makes a comeback - I am SET!

So now I want to chop mine off.  Badly.  My brain keeps telling me that I have a fat face, that I have a double chin and that I will regret it.  My soul is saying I need a change, that it will be easier to take care of (a little Garnier Surf Wax and I am good to go) and I will save a bundle on the expensive Organix Macadamia Oil shampoo and conditioner I swear by. 

What are your thoughts on what I should do to my golden tresses?

Full Circle

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my divorce.  With that has come the strangest turn of events. As usual - these things really do only happen to me.

My ex's landlord is a slumlord to say the least.  He purchased the building from the old landlord in June and our first encounter with him was when he found him peeing on the back of the building underneath the ex's bedroom.  So classy.  When the hot water went out in September, he tried to use a unlicensed plumber to fix the job to save a few bucks.  After a few days of having to take cold showers and sending my son to my place for showers; the ex asked to be put up in a hotel for the night so he could take a hot one.  The landlord said tough luck.  The ex called the city.  The city came out and fined him for not pulling permits for a total repiping and the guy was finally forced to get a licensed plumber. In the mean time - the ex suffered through 2 weeks of cold showers and threatened to take the guy to court if he didn't discount the rent.  The landlord did so begrudgingly, but then he threw a 10% rent increase at him starting December 1st - the 2nd one in 6 months.  It was totally retaliatory, but the ex decided it was just easier to fight him in court over the deposit, than to deal with him over the rent.  The rent will be higher than the comps in the area with refurbished kitchens which his does not have.  So he gave his 30 day notice.

When I went to pay my rent, I was informed that my landlord is moving her mother in because she is sick and since I have the shortest tenancy - my room is the room she gets.  Now I personally think that the hot dumb housemate should have gotten the boot considering the drunken grief he gave everyone before he sobered up, but not my house - so I have no say.

Now, we both need a new place to live.  I am honestly at the ex's more than I am my own place.  I joke that I spend $745 a month on a closet. So, it was decided that we are going to get place together with all the amenities we are currently lacking.

For instance:

• A washer and dryer in the unit.  Do you know how frustrating it is when you have to share one washer with 5 other people?  It means that I rarely got to do my laundry and ended up having to do it at the ex's anyway.  
• A dishwasher.  This doesn't seem like a big luxury, but I HATE doing dishes and haven't had access to one in 12 years.  Some of the biggest fights between me & the ex were over the dishes not being done.  
• A pool.  Sure we live in sunny Southern California with a beach about 10 minutes away.  The problem is there is never parking at the beach in the summer because everybody and their mother is there, plus all the tourists.  (Those are the ones splashing in the water in early June before the water has had a chance to warm up). It gets damn hot here come August and it will be nice to just go for a dip when we are sweating in places it isn't polite to sweat.
•  A gym with equipment and free weights.  This will save me $30 a month in gym membership.

More importantly though - I get equal access to my son and don't have to look for a place that will let me have him there.  This is not as easy as it seems and even though I have been fortunate enough to find 2 places that would let me have him - I still needed to give notice that he would be there.  If I am living with him- I get to be full time mom again.  Dad can now take time to do what he wants without me having to clear it through the channels because I will be there to watch GMan. 

Is this going to work? Maybe third time is the charm? Who knows - but we seem to be actually working together for maybe the 1st time ever.  We are discussing things instead of yelling over each other and attempting to hear each other out.  We acknowledged that each of us have strengths that the other lacks.  I am not saying we have reconciled.  Not by any means.  I am pretty sure this will put the kibosh on dating for awhile though.  It isn't like there is whole lot going on in that department anyways.  All I know is that I have one happy 7 year old who gets a pool and both parents back for now and I will be saving $100 a month.  I just hope my soul was worth that much.

Out Nerded

Why, why oh why do I continue to do this to myself?  I don't get it.  Oh wait, because I have a blog that depends on it and I know you love to live vicariously through my drama.

So I had yet another why do I do this to myself first and last date again Friday.  We chased each other across the internet for a few months when finally he asked why we had not met for coffee yet.  I told him simply "You never asked".   Even then, it took at least a month before that took place.  First he missed a bill and messed up his checking account, then he had to lend his mom money, etc.  Small red flags yes, but he seemed really interesting and if nothing else he could always be friend zoned. We finally agreed to meet for tea on Friday.  This seemed like a nice twist to the typical coffee interrogation. 

Of course by the time Friday had rolled around - I really had no interest in doing this anymore.  I had an excruciating day at work and even though it was casual Friday - I could have looked cuter. There was no point in going home to freshen up beforehand though because of where we were meeting  My hair was a wavy and unruly mess. I was sweaty from moving files all day, but I always have body spray in my purse.  I just wasn't as primed or put together as I normally would be.  Case in point - the date the week before took me 3 leisurely hours to get ready for because I wanted everything to be perfect.  This time I didn't care.

I battled Southern California rush hour traffic to get to the tea shop and remembered just how much I despised that commute.  Apparently this place was right down the street from an old job of mine.  I get there and he is waiting.  The first thing I notice is he is short.  I mean really short.  I'm 5'2" and had on 4" wedge sandals.  So that made me a whopping 5'6".  I was taller than him in my shoes.  All my heels are 3-4" so I would always be taller than him or would always have to wear flats.  Even his arms seemed short. Not like little people short;  just abnormally short.  I have nothing against short guys, but given how short I am - I do prefer the guy to be taller than me. There is something to be said about kissing a guy on your tip toes.  Maybe that's just a me thing though.  

We got our tea and he never stopped talking.  I found his racing stuff interesting and loved his car - I do have a thing for Mustangs, but seriously.  I don't think I got 10 words in all night.  Then he started talking video games.  That was the thread in commonality, but he out nerded me.  This is hard to do.  He name dropped every single person who ever held any executive position at any game company within a 3 state radius. I smiled and nodded because there was no interrupting him,  Everytime I tried to start a thought - he would interject his own story.

The kicker was when someone walked into the tea store with a dog.  He went banaynay. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, oh my gosh. that is the cutest puppy EVER".  Seriously?  He then proceeded to go on and on about how it looked like a cotton ball with legs, how cute it was and a few more awwws.  By then I was grasping for a way out.  Any way out.  He suggested we walk around.  It was a strip plaza, so to walk the whole thing took about 5 minutes.  He told me about his gall stones and how he could only eat a totally fat free diet.. He told me he doesn't drink - ever.  Not because he has a problem with it, he just doesn't.  For someone who gave the impression of being so interesting - this guy was dullsville.  He suggested we go buy a cotton ball puppy ourselves as a way to extend the night and THAT was the final straw.  I excused myself saying I had a test to study for & thanked him for the tea.  I high tailed it out of there as fast as my four cylinder gutless wonder Civic would take me.

I have so little free time and few things are more frustrating than knowing that hour you wasted you will never get back.  So, I think at this point - I am back on a self imposed hiatus - well until it is time for me to scrounge up a date for my Christmas party, or until something else wicked this way comes. Between not really hearing back from the guy from the weekend before that I WANTED to go with again and this guy who was the polar opposite - I don't think the stars are aligned for romance at the moment and I'm OK with that.    For once - I am truly OK!

On the plus side though - I did learn I like vanilla chai.  I guess it was a total loss. 

Climbing Up the Scratching Post

Take your age.  43.  Divide it by half.  21.5.  Add 7.  28.5.  I dodged the bullet by .5.  So for now my cougar claws get to stay retracted.   HOWEVER - it doesn't change the fact that I went out with a 29 year old last night.  Heeeeeeeeeey.

It started simple enough.  A message that for all intents and purposes I would normally ignore because I have a hard and fast rule that a guy should be at least 35.  I have too many damn rules!  It wasn't an obnoxious message so I responded back.  After the obligatory how are you chat, he asked if  I had exciting plans for the weekend.  I said I didn't and what he would recommend?  He told me I could check out Newport Beach for the sights and sounds, Laguna Beach for good live music or possible hang out with him?  All right, he we go... "hang out".  The usual response. I asked what his definition of hanging out was, fully expecting "why don't I come over and watch a movie".  He said "meet for coffee or tea."  I said "sure sounds like a plan",  fully expecting to bail out of it.  Funny thing is, he didn't message or text me a lot.  Enough to show interest, not enough that I knew his whole life story.  I had no reason to chicken or bail.

This was a new twist.

Friday night he confirmed we were still on.  Saturday he suggested we meet at a popular outdoor mall that is known more for it's entertainment value than shopping; although there is plenty of that too.  Again; this is new territory for me.  Rare that a guy -  much less a young one, actually sets a  plan and puts it in motion.

I should have been nervous.  I wasn't.  Maybe because I knew he was young and if nothing else - it would make for good blog fodder.  I looked great (At least I think I did).  I went with cute yet casual.  It wasn't until I was ready to leave that the "WTF am I about to do?" set in.   I was 14 when he was born.  I was legally drinking and he was slurping Capri Suns.  With 30 minutes until the date though, there was no turning back and no nerve calming shot because I was driving.  So off I went.  I was late, but I hit stupid traffic and parking was a nightmare.  I finally found where we were meeting AFTER walking around the whole shopping center.  I found him and so the date began.  He was cute.  That is always a good start. There have been times where I wanted to run before hello was ever uttered simply by the way he looked.  Yes, I can be shallow.  No, you didn't need to remind me.

We went to one restaurant but it was crowded, so we went to another one.    We took an outside table and it was awesome.  That's all I can say.  Despite the age disparity, we had SO much in common.  The conversation never died.  He was engaging, finny and charming.  I think I was engaging.  I didn't let the conversation lag on my end.  He seemed to respond well to me and he had me laughing the whole time.  Three hours later we had to relinquish the table.  I have never had a 1st date that lasted that long.

Ever the gentleman.  He paid for the evening.  Working on my feminine wiles, I let him.  He walked me to my car.  He hugged me goodbye and thus the evening end.  I gave the obligatory text telling him that I was a simply awesome time and thanked him for it.  He texted back it was indeed glorious.  I of course immediately took it as sarcasm because I can't actually allow myself to think someone enjoyed my company.  I didn't react though.  I simply let him know that I looked forward to outing number two if he was so inclined.  He said that would be nice and cracked a joke from the date.

So, since I am working on  said feminine wiles, I will leave the ball in his court.  I let my further interest known.  I guess we will see where it goes. All I know is that I maintained eye contact, didn't have my wall up to the moon and even if I never hear from him again - I still managed to have a successful evening out!

MEOW!

I Guess I Can Check Crazy Psycho off the Bucket List

I have a guy friend that I recently reconnected with.  I've known him since I was 19 and lost track of him around 23.  Turns out he lives 45 minutes away from without traffic or 2 hours away if you can't read your google printed directions, don't know your phone has voice guided GPS and get lost in downtown LA.  (The ONE time I'm accidentally in the Fashion District and of course I"M BROKE).  My friend is amazeballs.  The kind of amazeballs that you want to lick chocolate syrup off of him in hopes that you can lick off some of his amazeballness and you too will be a little amazeballs. OK - MAYBE I'm the only one who want to lick syrup off his head - but it doesn't negate just how incredibly awesome this guy is.  He also sadly (for me) has an amazing girlfriend.  I met her briefly, but the way his whole face lit up when she walked in the room told me all I needed to know.  She too is probably pretty amazeballs.

So I asked him how he met this lady and he told me he went to his least compatible match on a dating site and chatted her up.  Almost 2 years later - they are still together and obviously happy.  So I thought to myself (yes I know how dangerous a prospect that is) that what could it hurt?  I mean I am finally over stupid Boot Camp Guy & his Toe Ring Tramp whom he is taking to England to meet mum (no really - I'm over it) I went online, scrolled down to the bottom of my prospects & there he was.   34% match 47% friend 57% enemy or close to it.  He was cute, but I didn't send him a message because my phone glitched.  Apparently my phone knew something I didn't.

He messaged me later and we got to talking.  He was very intelligent, liked that I was geeky and we decided we should meet over the weekend.  I thought my amazeball friend was really onto something.

I talked to this guy on the phone Saturday and he bored me to tears.  He was really soft spoken and the connection wasn't there, or maybe I just had the sinus headache from hell. Either way.  I made an excuse to get off the phone and somehow ended up over at the ex's.  I mean it was Saturday night & there was raiding to do in WoW.  I texted the guy back saying maybe we could hang out later in the week. (Yes I do know that wasn't going to happen - but it might have.)  That is when he got weird.  

He told me that he thought we were going to hang out THAT night and I told him that I was sorry, but my child was sick.  He asked if I had him at my place and I told him no, I was at his place.  Dude went cray cray.  Suddenly I was dishonest, I lied in my profile. why did I get divorced if I still live there and on and on.  He told me it was a deal breaker.  I told him it is what it is.  That sent him off on another tangent about how incoherent it was that sentence was.  I told him I obviously wasn't the droid he was looking for and good luck.  He THEN proceeded to tell me he wasn't looking for a droid and what did that mean?  SERIOUSLY?  You don't even get one of the most famous movie references in the history of the world?  I will die a single lady and never have sex again before I will date a guy who doesn't know that line from STAR WARS.  Geek girl - kind of mandatory my mate knows this.  I told him I was going to sleep and good night.

3 more crazy texts before I even put the phone down.  I woke up the following day and told him last night was a deal breaker and good luck.  OH MAH GAH, you would have thought I killed his puppy and left the carcass on his door mat.  Dude went off.  Called me a bitch and self serving.  Well yeah, but he hadn't really gotten to know me well enough to make the assumption.  I told him he was psycho and to stop texting me.  It took 21 more psycho texts from him before he stopped.  I stopped responding after the 2nd one.

I think it is safe to say that I dodged a bullet on that one.  It's been a long time since I had a psycho stalker.    I think the last one was 1997 where this guy would follow me around the club, write me poetry and stare at me as I drunkly made out with my man candy of the moment.  I could understand if the guy had actually met me.  I mean, this kind of fabulosity could drive anyone crazy (hey - a girl can dream can't she?).  I have yet to relay this to my dear friend Saucywritergirl because I know the lecture that would have follow from her brilliant yet over active imagination.

So I lived to write another blog post and when I finish Freaks & Geeks on Netflix - I'll get myself back out there.  I promise!

I Got Played

Seriously, the next time someone tells me to go for someone who so isn't my type - I am going to smile pretty and them promptly ignore them.  I don't care that I may get a free meal out of it!  I've gained 5 freaking pounds back.  My landlord, my trainer and even  my blonde haired angel said go for it. The redheaded devil said don't do it.  Now if that isn't a strange dichotomy - I don't know what it.  When is the devil ever the one to tell you no - well when it is one of your best friends who knows you better than anyone.

I learned a few valuable lessons though.

I learned that it is possible for me to date a nice guy without devouring him, spitting him out and then leaving his remains for the vultures. I guess I have grown a bit since my twenties,

I learned the "nice guy" isn't always so nice.

I learned that while I may be "grown up", I am not ready to date an adult

I learned I really wasn't being myself.

My gentlemanly scientist, who told me he didn't know what he wanted, that he needed to take it slow, and he needed space to do things solo was lying.  Turns out that there was someone else who was getting his weekend time, who he was taking places besides dinner and getting his "solo" time.  He didn't need to take it slow with her.  He sure seemed to know what he wanted with her and willing to spend all of his free time with her. When questioned about it, he told me I was making it sound a lot more serious than it was and I was reading way more into it.  It was very recent and not at all what I thought.  I bought it.  I was a fool. 

The following day, he told me he was on his way to San Diego.  Well that told me where she lived.  I went onto facebook to do some snooping and found her.  I didn't know it was her until I saw her cover photo of four feet in the sand and two of them were his.  That told me all I needed to know.  We had joked in the past how nothing was official until you change the facebook status and he informed me that wasn't something he was ready for.  Well after two weeks of dating her  "San Diego Toe Ring Trollop is now in a Relationship with Boot Camp Guy".  Then she updated a pic of the two of them at a museum.  

Just WOW. I guess what he meant to say  to me is - I don't want you, but you are good in bed, so I'll drag it out as long as I can.

I sent him a text message congratulating him and it was drizzled with sarcasm.  He replied "Thank you, it just felt right".  I told him I was being sarcastic and to keep the nail polish - it might accentuate her toe rings.  I then deleted his phone number and unfriended him.

Whatever.  I hope they are happy and her toe rings get caught in his back hair.

The more I think about it - I really wasn't being myself.  I was being quiet and meek and what I thought he needed and it was stifling.  I mean I am all that in the beginning, but once I know you - there is no shutting me up.  I wasn't like that with him.  I was conservative.  I had nothing to talk about.  Truthfully, I was bored.  He just gave me the attention I was craving and I let that cloud my judgement.  I thought if someone so accomplished could like me, then I must be moving on up.  I was wrong.  I wasn't motivated enough for him, my circumstances were too much for him to overcome and I'm not where most women my age should be.

You know what - too bad so sad.  It never would have worked.  He doesn't watch cartoons (Adventure Time anyone), he doesn't play my style of video games & sorry, but I LOVE Duck Dynasty even in reruns!

The man for me won't care that I couldn't to go to school this semester because I couldn't afford it.  That yes, I am presently a file clerk who makes under $30k a year in So Cal and lives in a house with many housemates. It beats being unemployed and living in a homeless shelter which is where I was 3 years ago. 

So it's back to square one.  The square that contains me getting back to me.  Because I am the ONE for me.

Miss Movin' On

Sure, I wrote a nice shiny post about how the rest of you should deal with breakups;  but we all know I never follow my own advice.  Nor do I find myself following anyone else's advice.  I did take a nap, a bath, binged on chocolate fro yo & gained back 4 pounds (well that isn't SOLELY from the fro yo).   I just can't move past it.  

I tried in vain to get him back, but it was fruitless because he was seeing somebody else.  Yes, I know there was no exclusivity, but it would have been nice to know.  He told me it had never come up.  Well I seem to recall me saying "I'm not seeing anybody else, and as far as I know - you haven't put yourself in a position where you are seeing anybody else, so if you don't know what you want - then where does that leave us?"  OK, in his defense that probably wasn't the best time to drop that particular bomb.

You know what it is...it IS my ego being sorely bruised. Not that I couldn't get him back, but I feel like everything he said was false.  "I don't know what I want, I don't want a relationship,  I need to take this slow."  Well it sure seemed like he knew what he wanted with the other chick.  Hell, she spent the weekend with him and I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep on his ever so comfortable couch. If I got 3 hours with him on any given occasion - it was an accomplishment and every evening ended with me leaving.   I feel like I was the rebound.  That every baby step he took with me just empowered him for her.  That's what hurts. 

Then the self doubting sirens start singing their song.  Why WASN'T I good enough?   What did she have that I didn't?  When am I ever going to be the one that is worth it?  Well those are easy questions.  I wasn't the one for him.  She probably doesn't have kids and doesn't live near by which makes a true relationship easy to not have to deal with.  When I realize that I AM worth it and if they can't see it, then I shouldn't waste my time crying and binging because it's done.

For the first time since last week I have finally put mascara on because I know the tears have finally dried. So I don't need to text him anymore.  I don't need to psycho stalk his house.  I know when he is usually at the gym and can avoid him, but it sucks.  I feel like I should have listened to myself when I said he wasn't my type.  I shouldn't have listened when I was told by everyone except the redheaded devil to go out with him. Other than a few blog posts, I don't feel like I got a lot out of it except heartbreak, confusion and a crappy birthday week.  I must remind myself of my motto - Any experience - good or bad was worth it if you learned something from it. 

So Now What?

Congratulations.

You put yourself out there.  You dipped your toe into the dating pool and decided the water wasn't fine and you want to get out of it. That the comfort of your big fluffy towel was better than the comfort of his hairy back or her hairy - well nevermind.  Either way you've decided to end it.  Or maybe you are on the receiving end.  You thought you were happily floating in your pool and the next thing you know - the water drained out and you are you are sitting in a pool of wet soggy grass.

Here are a few pop culture tips for the socially awkward to help you through this troubled time.

• Let Er Rip

Seriously.  We're adults.  Just be honest.

• It's Not You - It's Me.

When they tell you it's isn't you - it's me - Listen to your Uncle SI

• "I'm sorry. You are so special and beautiful and BLAH BLAH BLAH"

For the love of monkeys - don't tell them how special they are when you are trying to break up.  If they were so freaking special - you wouldn't be ending it!  In the end - they just feel worse

• When All Else Fails

When it's over.  It's over.  Don't dwell.  Don't make yourself miserable.  Even if you were hormonal and psychotic - there was a reason it ended or you ended it..  It sucks.  It hurts.  It's everything wrapped up into a ball of popped bubble wrap. It's time to move on.

In other words.  Do something for you.  Something that makes you happy.  If you can't make yourself happy, nobody else ever will.

• Lastly ALWAYS remember this gem.

Because you are & you didn't need me to tell you that - but it is ALWAYS nice to hear!

Show Some Love!

Forbes Magazine is looking for Nominations for their 100 Best Blogs for Women.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/katetaylor/2013/08/07/nominate-your-picks-for-the-100-best-websites-for-women-2013/

What are you waiting for?  Go nominate your favorite trainwreck (that's me just in case it's too early or too late for you depending on your geographic location!)

Mad love to all my readers and on a serious note - I would be truly honored if you enjoy my blog enough to do so!

Super Secret Psycho Drive By Stalking

Once the hormonal banshee left my system - I realized that I might have been over impetuous or I just really hate being alone.  Either way I thought maybe I would try to get Boot Camp Guy back

Several unanswered texts called for desperate measures in my mind. My ego was on the line. We had a connection. Surely after a couple of days to think - he would come to his senses?  So before my party on Saturday - I decided I would go over to Boot Camp Guy's house and somehow try to retrieve what was lost.  There was a change in wardrobe plan only because I couldn't find a belt to match the ruby red shoes that would have made even Dorothy jealous. In the end I looked even better in the new outfit.  It was a surefire plan.  I had nothing to lose - it was already lost.

I however wasn't exactly prepared for what followed.  

I drove over to his house and as I got closer - I saw a car parked in front of the house - parked where I usually parked I might add.  He doesn't really live on a busy street, so there was no reason to believe he didn't have company.  I have done some dumb things in my life - but just knocking on his door would have been very dumb; so  I called him on the off chance that it wasn't parked there for him. He didn't answer. That is never a good sign and obviously I didn't leave a message.  I did a circle around and realized this car had a hibiscus sticker on the back window.  Cue the sinister music....he had another woman over!!!!!

And my heart fell. 

This is the guy who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Who needed space to do his own things SOLO.  Who thought it was better to cut it off before it got too serious even though he really liked me.  And now he is out with someone else - even worse - probably cooking her dinner.

Not one to ever leave well enough alone - I drove by again last night.  THE CAR WAS STILL THERE and this time they weren't home. I wanted to throw up.  I was never allowed to spend that much time with him at once. Now that I think about it - maybe this person was always in the background and that is why he limited his time with me.  Maybe he is reconciling with his wife? I don't know, but the more I think about it - the harder it is to breathe.  It can be a million things, but it's pretty clear to me - we aren't getting back together.

If it didn't work in my twenties, I'm not sure why I thought it would work in my forties.  The lesson is that  Super Secret Psycho Drive Bys cause nothing but woe and I'm not happy unless I am learning it the hard way.  It may also speak volumes why I'm still single ;)

UPDATE....Dateline August 12, 2013.  My suspicions were correct - HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.  I guess you can just call me Miss Movin' On (yes I blame my child's obsession with pop music for infiltrating my brain with such gems)

#BirthdayApocalypse

I don't know why it isn't trending, but it should be.  Then again maybe I am the only one having one.

I usually LIVE for my birthday.  Presents, sweets of some sorts, a rocking karaoke party.  Well two out of the three isn't bad.  What it boils down to it that no woman should EVER have to celebrate her birthday week with her hormonal Aunt Flo.  That bitch ruins everything!

Sunday 

Brunch with my son and his dad.  Sure there that looming "are we or aren't we getting back together" question that hung like a rain cloud over Charlie Brown's head, but it didn't dampen my day.  My son's best friend spilling his frozen yogurt all over himself and my cloth seats did, but that is another story.  Any time I get with my son is a good time.

Monday 

Aunt Flo was in full effect gnashing her terrible teeth and baring her terrible claws.I spent the day in turmoil and confusion over the whole are we or aren't we because I knew I had a decision to make.  I just didn't know which way to go.  So I did what any irrational hormonal female would do.  Binged on chocolate fro yo and start a fight with Boot Camp Guy.  He was the easiest part of the equation to rid from my brain.  I went to bed feeling like crap.

Tuesday 

I decided that I should not get back together with my son's dad.  It was a hard decision, but I made it and it was mostly final.  Then there was Boot Camp Guy to deal with.  He deserved an explanation as to why I was acting like a raving lunatic (well more so than usual).  So he made me a nice dinner and then we had a chat.  WOWEE it didn't go as expected.  I went in with the mindset that I know what his deal is, but I could wait him out.  I left in tears because somehow it ended.  I even gave back the present he gave me for my birthday.  I later regretted it only because he had given me a gift certificate to a fro yo place and well it has replaced my ice cream addiction.  In the end, he had too much on his plate there wasn't really room for me. My friends tell me it's either for the best, or I was totally irrational and an idiot for essentially ending it with Boot Camp Guy.  I now feel worse and more confused than before.  Why can't I ever just get a "wow that sucks, are you ok?"  If I can't get cupcakes for my birthday, then I should at least be allowed a small pity party.

Wednesday  

Yay - Happy Birthday - NOT.  I lost two guys in one day. Everything was just kind a random blur. Reeling from the idea that I was actually going to be alone on my birthday - I told my son's dad we should reopen discussions since Boot Camp Guy was sadly now out of the picture  I discovered my license was gone and this was needed or there was no free dinner at Benihana. I sent Boot Camp Guy a few wah wah wah texts which just made me feel worse when he responded because it made the end too real.  When I got to work my desk wasn't decorated because the secretary who does it is out for the week.  None of my secretaries even gave me so much as a card.  I did get a few things from a few other people which made me feel special because they were from people who usually don't get me anything.  I left work early and went home to scour for that damn license.  No dice.  It was gone baby gone.  So I spent 2.5 hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles to replace the damn thing.  I did get my dinner at Benihana which was one of two bright spots.  The other one was that I won the family Sorry game.  My son said he didn't want us to get back together which made the discussions interesting,

Thursday  

One slip of the lip and it nailed the coffin shut in the ex discussion.  So I spent all of Thursday feeling like crap because now I have no shot at my family, Boot Camp Guy seems to be history and I am alone.  

Friday.  

The dust is settling.  I get my son tonight and I shall not think about either the ex or Boot Camp Guy even though parts of me want both of them back.  

Saturday

This will be my karaoke birthday party and the only thing standing between me and a drunken stupor is the hunt for red patent leather heels.  I'm envisioning the naughty 1940's housewife look this year.  Elegant glamour with some rocking cleavage.  Don't forget the tiara.  I'm not exactly feeling warrior princess, but I am never one to shy away from the center of attention!

The Hardest Choice Ever

This weekend I was faced with a suggestion that I never thought I would have to ponder.  It was suggested that perhaps I should get back together with my ex husband.

This is a man who I have shared my ups and downs with.  Who no matter what or how bad I screwed something up was usually there to pick me up when I fell.  The person who knows me better than I know myself including when my time of the month is near even though he hasn't seen me in weeks.  The father of my child.  My family.

This was something to seriously ponder and quite frankly should have been a no brainer.  

Except....

I am seeing someone else and have been for about a month now.  Now this current relationship isn't serious yet.  Not enough time has passed that if I ended it - either of us would be heartbroken (I think).  I really do like this new guy though, but then that's the thing....it's new.  He is many things that my ex husband isn't. Then that is part of the problem because my ex is also many things that he isn't.  

The ex is my safe choice.  He's my comfort.  He has been my rock.

I cried for two days.  I tried to push the new guy away in hopes it would clear my head.  Why wouldn't I jump at the chance to get my family back?

Because overall - people don't change.  I'm not talking my ex - I'm talking me.

The old me wouldn't have thought twice.  I would have made promises of change.  I would have tried to paint a spectacular portrait of what our new happy family would be.  I would have done so because it benefited me and never would have thought what it would do to anyone else.  Then I would fail. I always do.  I'm not being Debbie Downer - I am spouting a truth about myself.  I would get comfortable.  I would fall back in the old ways that led to a good portion of the demise of my marriage.  When I get comfortable; I get lax.  I stop doing the things I should  - for me, for him, in general. The truth is; I am set in my ways, I am stubborn as hell and I don't change.

I am also a pessimist.  There is a 50% chance it would work, but there is that 50% chance that I will screw it up and that is too high a risk to take.  I have a child who is no longer young enough that it would no longer affect him in the long term.  If it ended poorly - he would be devastated.  I can't do that to him

So I turned down the suggestion after much thought.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done because it will lead to end of my "family".  I will always have my son, but as time progresses - I will lose the ex. He will eventually move on and I can't begrudge him that - I have started to.  We will spend less time together because it isn't really normal for two people who aren't together anymore to spend as much time as we used to.  It isn't healthy for any of us.  

Even though the devil you know is better than the devil you don't; it's time to face my demons and move on. It is a decision I may seriously regret in the end.  I just can't be selfish anymore. 

Midlife Bloggers Piece

Check out this original piece I wrote that was posted at www.Midlifebloggers.com.  Then show some love to some other very talented bloggers by visiting their sites too!

http://midlifebloggers.com/2013/08/05/the-midlife-search-for-love/#sthash.63j7SSY3.dpbs

Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date

Today's post was written by a guest.  Her name is Kim Ashworth and I present her Blindsided by a Bad Blind Date.  I don't know  about you, but I can TOTALLY relate!

I have a tendency to fall into long-term relationships, only for them to end 2 to 3 years later when I've grown bored and disappointed with the situation.  The last year of those relationships are always wrought with feelings of inadequacy--not on my part of course, but on my lacking counterpart. But due to the relationship's comfort and ease, it always takes me a awhile to get out. You know, like a year, so by the time that happens, I'm bitter and in need of some super sexy time and attention

However, no matter what I do, the first few months are always comprised of miserable dates. It's like the past relationship years have suddenly clouded my dating judgment and I can't discern the trash from the mediocre.

While a lot of terrible dates come to mind, there is one that has always stood out across the years.

I was 26 and had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship, one that I had initially thought would end in marriage, but clearly didn't. I was going on a rampage, sleeping with randoms, online dating and trying to meet anyone I possibly could. Looking back, I don't know why, I guess I was just trying to fill a void. You know how those things go.

Finally, I had a friend say he wanted to set me up on a blind date. Truthfully, those aren't really my thing, but I thought,"why not?" I asked him a few questions about the man...what does he do? How old is he? What is he like?

His answers were vague. He mentioned something about working for an insurance company, that he was 28 and was a fun guy. I said ok

He gave the mystery man my number and he began texting. His texts were boring and filled with grammatical errors. I should have known right then that it wasn't worth my time, but I went along with it anyway. After a few days of texting, he proposed we meet up for a drink one night and I agreed. I let him suggest the place, but much to my dismay, he picked a seedy dive bar, where old men in tank tops spent their time chain-smoking and drinking $1 beer.  Real classy. I was already wishing I hadn't agreed to this.

The night of, I got there 5 minutes late. The mystery man was no where to be seen, so I sauntered up to the dusky bar, sat down as far away from the old men as I could and ordered a water.  The bar was nothing short of disgusting. Five minutes went by and I considered leaving. When it hit ten, I got up and was about to walk out and when, of course, he showed up.

He had one thing going for him: he was attractive.

I turned around and we grabbed a table in the corner. He instantly ordered me a beer; didn't ask, just did it. I don't like beer. Great.

It took him all of 2 minutes to begin word vomitting. Telling me about his harsh upbringing, his desire to be an artist but not having enough self-esteem to do so, and his inability to maintain relationships. The man was a train wreck-- a train wreck that didn't know how to stop talking about himself.

It was like once he started talking, he couldn't stop. The rambling went on and on. I merely served as a sounding board for him and nodded along while thinking about my grocery list.

I tried to interject with comments about myself, but he wasn't having it. He just turned it back around on himself, while he pounded beers. He started to get really honest by the time he hit is fourth beer; I was still on my first. That's when he went off on his previous girlfriends, telling me how they lacked creative vision, were dumb and boring in bed. I instantly thought the same of him.  Then came the unwanted sex stories, which I think were his attempt to seduce me. I'm still a little unclear of his intentions.

He told me of his wild threesomes, his interactions with prostitutes , his extensive Adam and Eve sex toy collection collection and his man on man experience. I just sat there, wide eyed and utterly confused. I had said exactly 12 words at this point and it had been an hour. I stared awkwardly into my beer, which was half-full with liquid and half-empty with dating potential.

And then suddenly, it stopped. His mouth stopped moving. His eyes stopped penetrating my soul and his beer was empty. I looked up at him, wondering if I could finally speak, but before I could open my mouth, he said, "so my mom's out of town for the week, do you want to come back to my place?

"Wait, you still live with your mother?"

He eagerly said yes like it wasn't a MAJOR turn off.

I quickly grabbed my purse and said, "I'm sorry, I just can't date someone who still lives at home." and walked out. He just sat there flabbergasted as he clearly thought he had just spit impeccable game at me for the past hour.

I didn't really care too much about his living situation. It wasn't ideal, but wasn't a deal breaker. Really, it was the fact that he ordered a beer for me and spent 60 whole minutes telling me about every horrible aspect of his life. These are things I like to discover a year or so down the road, not the first hour.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Amen Sister, Amen - Kathy

Finally Finding Chemistry With a Man of Science

I am on the verge of something big here. So big that once that line is crossed there is no turning back. You see, as previously mentioned; there is a guy.  Yes, there have been lots of guys.  Guys I've pined over.  Guys I've slept with.  Guys I wanted to date and a the mention of an actual date or two.

This one is different.

No really.

This one IS different.

This one likes me too.  He is just taking his sweet time. 

He has his issues, I have mine.  Nothing that is exactly a deal breaker, but with each one's past comes challenges for the present.  Like the first date that ended in a hug.  As did the second one.  As did the impromptu "I made too much dinner, come have some so it doesn't go to waste" dinner.  And I left wondering if this was all in my head and maybe this is just a blossoming friendship.  Except we were in contact every day including his out of town ventures. Except for the 3rd date he invited me over for dinner and he was cooking.  I gladly accepted of course because I was quite enjoying his company - A LOT.

 In the three weeks where it started as I had to be talked into going out with him - he had grown on me.

The funny thing is - he was going through the same reservations about me.  Not expecting to like me and even less expecting to find that he really does.

This is where we found ourselves after a lovely meal.  In the kitchen. discussing him not knowing what he wants, except that he likes me and wasn't sure what to do next.  I basically said we should just let it go where it was wanted and see where it lead.  Then he said all he knew was that he wanted to kiss me and he did.  FINALLY.  And It was amazing. There was more to discuss though, so we took it to the living room because well, my feet hurt thanks to my lovely 3" wedged Mary Janes.

So, we talked.  A lot.  About everything and about nothing.  About why I am the way I am and hate to make eye contact.  Why nice guys scare me. What he should do with his unused fireplace in the dining room. A good hour and a half passed in the blink of an eye.  He kissed me again.  It had been a very long time since someone who I really liked kissed me.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  He kissed me again.

 This time it was harder. 

Passionate. 

Amazing. 

And I stopped it.  With every ounce of strength I had, I stopped it. I had to.

Because If I didn't - I would have lost control and right now I need that control.

Because if he doesn't know what he wants and wants to take it slow then it had to stop. 

Because if it went any further it would've clouded everything.

Because I like him.

A lot.

This is new territory for me.   There is nothing casual about this future because neither of us are the casual type.  This scares me a bit.  It's everything I think I want, but am I ready for this?  Is he?  It's nothing like I have had post separation. 

There is only one way to find out. 

Skate slowly until the ice cracks.  Then I'll just surf the flood.

Cowabunga dude!

Just Bootcamp Guy....

I never tend to do things the correct way.  If the easiest way from point a to point b is a straight line, I can guarantee that I will get lost because I took too many turns trying to figure out which way was straight.  So this new dating scenario I find myself in is very foreign to me because well - it seems to be the same deal.  Point a here, point be there - just follow the path as it is laid out.

My friend who knows me best says she doesn't see enthusiasm and that I seem uninspired by this. I mean we are two dates in and this is the first I am writing about it.  I will be the first to admit, this is something I really had to talk myself into.  This guy isn't my usual type.  You know, the hot idiot who will just make me miserable like my housemate. He isn't the stupid coast guard guy that I wasted too much time and emotion on even though I thought we were a perfectish fit.  He's just the guy from bootcamp.  Nothing flashy, kind of awkward and doesn't get what is being presented in front of him until you hit him over the head with it. It took almost two weeks of back and forth on a dating site that we were on and NOT speaking at bootcamp for him to ask for my number and ask me if I wanted to go out sometime.  He did call, but then I had my little mental snap and made myself unavailable from all forms of life.  He texted me on the Fourth of July asking me if I wanted to go to dinner the following Saturday.  I had to think about for a bit because he just isn't the kind of guy I am usually into.  He just isn't.  Never-mind the fact he is ridiculously smart and uses bigger words than I do (yes I have had to look up a few of them).  Forget the fact that he has a career - not just a job.  Don't even think about the fact that his car is awesome (not that the car type is important to me mind you.  I'm just kind of a gear head gal - and his car is impressive in that regard), or that he has a house, is age appropriate and doesn't live far from me.  None of that is to be taken as a checklist either because it isn't mean to be.  I'm really in no place to judge or have a checklist because in reality - I would fail most men's checklists.

I said yes though because I can't whine about how nobody is interested in me if I am not willing to give chances to those who actually ask me out.So my trainer who is kind of the central point of commonality between the two of us came over to do my hair and makeup and to pick out my outfit.  I mean we all know that the feminine wiles are not my strong suit. 30 minutes later, I was made over and ready to go.  Quite a different sight than he was used to seeing at the gym.  Gone was the pony tail and sweat soaked shirt.  Instead I had wavy hair, a cute dress and 4" wedge heels.  I looked very un-me to say the least.  He picked me up on time.  Opened the car door for me (I did at least remember to let him do that for me - again - not good at the ladylike stuff).  We went to a nice little Cuban restaurant and over all it was a pleasant experience.  Afterwards we walked around a bit, then he drove me home, walked me to my gate and hugged me good-bye.  I didn't feel butterflies, I didn't see fireworks, but I didn't have the usual "Ugh - that was 2 hours I am NEVER getting back" feeling either. It was just comfortable because well he is just Bootcamp Guy.

My trainer of course wanted all the details.

Her: "Did he kiss you?"

Me:  noooooo, 

Her: "Did he try to act all Rico Suave?"  

Me:nooooo- do you even think he knows how- noooo?  

Her: "What did you think - do you like him, will you go out with him again?" 

Me: don't know - he is just Bootcamp Guy.

Her: Great - I'll grill him for the details next time I work him out.

He travels for work a lot, but texted me last week asking if I wanted to go for that bike ride we had been talking about for awhile.  Apparently I am being laughed at because I have a mountain bike that I never take off asphalt.  Hello - not adventurous!  Being in yet another banned for life fight with the ex - I agreed.  He said we would ride to the beach, get some lunch and ride back. "OK, sounds like fun" is what I text back.  My brain on the other hand was like "oh mah gahhhd - I am going to die.  I cannot bike to the beach - that's a looooong bike ride. He just wants to kill me.  That's got to be plan.  He isn't the nice guy after all - he is evil and sadistic and I'm going to die."  Ok - so I was channeling my inner Blonde Haired Angel who tends to let her imagination get the better of her at times.  Sunday rolled around and I sunscreened myself up, made myself look bike riding cute and waited for him to show.  When he did - we discovered 1) my bike was covered in cobwebs - yeah THAT was embarrassing and 2) My tire pressure was low & I don't own a bike pump. So we had to ride to his house to overhaul my bike before we could start our ride.  Apparently even though I claim to not be high maintenance - my bike on the other hand is disproving that claim.  After that we were on our way.  It was all fine and dandy until he hit the dirt trail.  DIRT TRAIL?  Helloooooooo - what part of asphalt did you miss?  Yeah it wasn't THAT bad.  We hit the beach about an hour later or so.  The ride wasn't bad at all.  We had lunch and it was pretty awesome.  It wasn't as awkward as the previous dinner.  Conversation flowed smoother and we started to get an appreciation for our individual senses of humor.  After lunch we headed back, biked through a few different parks and then he dragged me through the brush.  Again - hello - not asphalt, but I only almost fell once.  We stopped for a bit, talked for about a half an hour and rode back home.  16.5 miles and 5 hours later date two was complete.  I didn't die like I thought I would.  (Heck - I'm not even sore today.)

The funny thing is that I think I am actually starting to like him. He is growing on me and it isn't so much me convincing myself that I should.  I like the fact that even though he has some stuff going on in his personal life (don't we all?) that he has the career, and the house and the car and has it seemingly together. That there is a certain stability to him that I don't usually find in most guys I am interested in.  I mean isn't this the way it is supposed to go?  You meet someone, you go out with them a bunch of times to figure out if you do really like them and it progresses from there?  Is this the grown-up way of doing things?  I don't know.  I am used to falling for the guys who aren't interested in me past sex and never ask me out a second time.  He told me that he is really enjoying my company and would like to take me out again when he gets back from his next travel venture.  He also said he would be taking it really slow given his current state.  I told him I was fine with all of that. 

 Of course he is going to take it slow.  

He's just Bootcamp Guy!

Me - 1, Afterlife - 0!

I have not ever tried to hide my battle with depression and mental illness.  I try really hard not to let it get the better of me and even documented getting back on anti-depressants to improve my well being.  When things get really bad, I text good old Fred only because he the only one I know more messed up in the head than I am.  Somehow he can reel be back towards reality just by letting me cry on his proverbial shoulder.  He is one of the few who never says "what do you have to be depressed about - your life isn't that bad."  It's true.  My life isn't that bad.  There are so many people who have it far worse than I do, but when I am swirling in a black abyss, that is the last thing that I need to hear!

I have debated writing about this last episode though.   Maybe because I am at a point where I should be the happiest, but I'm not.  I can't pinpoint what made me snap this last time.  There is nothing that should have triggered it, but something in my head said it was time to give up and I tried. Maybe it was because I was sheer, flat out exhausted. Maybe it's because my finances were so tight and I was only eating one meal a day.  Maybe it's because the ex and I had a stupid fight and I got sent home. Maybe it was because the one guy who I truly like and really want to have a real relationship with tells me one thing, but acts completely opposite of what he says.  Maybe my time with my trainer was ending because of the car payments and  the thought of making my weight loss journey alone scared me.  Maybe it was all of that or maybe it was none of that. I just wanted it to be done.  I hated my life and just didn't want to live it anymore.

So I thought about sitting in my car, overdosing with the windows up and praying nature took it's course.  Since I was in front of my son's apartment though - I thought better of it.  Instead, I went home and thought about it some more.  Crying my eyes out, I took a half a bar of xanax and two vicodin and decided to nap.  The plan was every time I woke up, I would take two more until the bottle was empty or I stopped waking up.  I was hungry though - so I asked my roommate to bring me something to eat.  When he got home he offered me some of his own food which pissed me off because the last thing I wanted was someone doing something nice for me.  I posted something really stupid on Facebook, put my TV on and tried to fall asleep. 

Hello, if you are truly committed to killing yourself - don't post stupid things on Facebook.  Suddenly my phone starts blowing up.  Bootcamp guy texted me trying to ascertain if I was OK.  Uh no, obviously not.  So he texts my trainer who was celebrating her birthday out of town and clueless.  Redheaded Devil texted me and I had a very good cry because she is one of my very best friends and is the one who tells me what I want to hear instead of the blonde haired angel who tells me what I need to hear which is also very important.  All cried out, I fell asleep to the nasally tones of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Three hours later I was awoken by another text.  This one from the ex asking if I needed dinner.  He knew I had threatened to do something dumb and he knew I wasn't eating.  So I packed a bag and went over there.  Sometimes the lure of a meal you didn't cook is greater than the lure of the ever after. That probably saved me.  He wouldn't let me go home and made me talk it out after my son went to bed.  It really didn't help though because again - I don't know what made me snap in the 1st place.

The roughest day though was the following Tuesday when I had bootcamp.  The anxiety I felt as I walked to the gym was overwhelming.  I wanted to turn around and go home, but I didn't.  I should have.  I had to admit to my trainer what happened.  Then I was so focused on the workout & coupled with the fact I hadn't eaten that day - I fell down with two eight pound weights in my hand.  I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.  Then I had to deal with the trainer texting me to find out what was wrong.  This made me feel even worse because the last thing I ever want to do is burden others with my problems and I totally felt like I was burdening her.  She convinced me to go to lunch with her and it turns out - that is exactly what I needed.

When we did finally get together - it was awesome.  She is such an amazing person.  She is also from the Midwest, so I can totally relate to her even though we are twenty years apart in age.  By the time we said good-bye - I totally felt that my slump had lifted and was reminded that there are people who care about me.  Not that I ever doubt that, but when you are so caught up in the doom and gloom - it's hard to see the light when your are  surrounded by dark.

In the end, the ex and I are going to fight.  We always do, but he always seems to have my back even though he swears he will never help me out again.  The dumb guy that I really like, may or may not ever come around, but I guess I have to wait to see what the 1st of the year brings since that is when he says he will be ready for any kind of real relationship - not that I am exactly waiting around.  The money issue will work itself out - or I will get super skinny from starving.  The gym manager offered me two free months to help me out and to keep me coming back to the gym.  I have friends that care deeply for me.  All in all - it wasn't my time no matter how much I wanted it to be.  I have too many reason to live and in the end - I'm glad it wasn't my time.  I have too much life ahead of me that needs to be lived!

Let's Hear it For The Good Guys We Never Consider

Gwen Stefani said it best in Bathwater: Why do the good girls always want the bad boys? 

It is the age old question.  By a certain age - shouldn't we have gotten our hearts broken enough by the wrong type to know better?  Why do we fool ourselves into thinking we want/need/crave the stable and reliable man, but look the other way when he notices us?  We pine over the guy who doesn't call us.  Wonder why we weren't asked out for that second date.  We sleep with him too soon in hopes that the sex is enough to lure him back for more.  It isn't.  Then we sit in a funk and wonder where it is all going wrong as we soothe our wounded soul with chocolate fro yo with sprinkles.

In the meantime; we don't give a chance to Mr. Reliable.  There is always some flaw that repels us. He's too fat or too thin.  He isn't cute enough.  He isn't smart enough. He doesn't wear the right brands.  Damnit I am fabulous and gorgeous and I can do better!  In the end though - can you?  If you could - why haven't you?

Thus the perplexing conundrum I find myself in.  Coast Guard Guy is out of the picture.  I don't have time for hot guys who are only interested in the chase.  My Hot Housemate while seeming to be back on track from his trainwreck lifestyle isn't what I want.  Then there is Boot Camp Guy.  BCG isn't the guy you normally look twice at.  He is a year older than me.  His hair is thinning with a bald spot, he doesn't wear the name brand shoes and wears black socks when he works out. He's a nice guy though and probably in the best shape out of all of us in the group. I happened to find him on one the horrible dating site that I can't seem to quit because I'm an attention whore and sent him a teasing message.  This was of course after I texted my trainer about finding him there.  She  was all over it telling me I should go out with him because he's a REALLY NICE GUY.  There are those words again.  What I want, but won't give a chance to.

So we have been sending messages back and forth for about four days and it turns out we have a lot in common.  He is smart, has good grammar, plays PC video games and is an avid mountain bike rider.  I am all of the above except the mountain bike rider because while I have one - I am a sissy girl who doesn't ever go off the street unless I am cutting through grass.  He's quite interesting. We are basically two introverted geeks. I just have better hair.

 Then my blonde angel got involved in the conversation and she too decided that I should go out with him because he was smart and looked outdoorsy.  (She got this from stalking his facebook profile).  I sent him a message telling him our trainer was pulling for us to go out and he said he was totally oblivious to that fact.  Then he asked me out.  The part of me who was trying to be open minded and not a diva was thrilled.  The diva part of me questioned why would I even consider it - not so much. Nice guys bore me. I'm a drama mama - I don't know how to deal with status quo.

While we were doing out boot camp yesterday - I could barely acknowledge him because I didn't know how to act.  Nobody ever said social skills were my strong suit.  So when I got home, I messaged him back accepting his offer. I mean he has seen me balling my eyes out because I couldn't do side planks and felt extremely defeated.  He has seen me a hot, sweaty mess and making strained faces because the workout was insane.  That is technically seeing me at my worst only short of having the flu. Even if all it became was a friendship - he is a really good guy.  Who knows - it might be the kind of relationship where it grows on you and you don't realize how much it means until you are knee deep into it.

Who knows - stranger things have happened!