In Too Deep, But I Have Mad Shovel Skills

Only me. Only I find myself in such situations that lead my friends to shake their head and watch the train wreck unfold.

I had a plan for my old age. I would buy the house next to Fred and sit on my porch yelling at him to get his dog off my lawn. I would threaten to call the police if he didn't turn down his death metal because it was keeping me awake even though my hearing aide was out. I hated it when I was in my 20's and I'm pretty sure I will hate it in my golden years. We'd grow old together as neighbors tormenting each other. Well it wouldn't be the 1st time I went Taylor Swift on his ass and that scenario isn't going to happen. We are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together. I'm pretty sure I will just grow old as the lonely, crazy cat lady - I will just be spared the house in Texas.

The thing is every time I resign myself to being content with that scenario. The gods of love or perhaps the blogosphere decide to present me with a reminder that "he" is out there, but "he" is nothing more than said reminder. It reminds me that anytime I decide maybe I should lower my standards for the sake of I've seen everything I want on Netflix, that "he" would be the ONE, but there is always that pesky thing called "HE DOESN'T LIVE IN SO CAL". Yuma, England & this time somewhere in Eastern Standard Time.

Yes, you are rolling your eyes, shaking your head, saying to yourself "here we go again". It's ok. I did too. I wasn't even looking this time. I know it's the stuff that those romance stories I can't write are made of. Girl flirts with boy on social media (no not a dating site - that ship sailed awhile ago), boy responds. They start talking and the chemistry is undeniable. They share a passion of writing, He's well educated and brings her to her knees with the slightest of things he types. He can weave a story that leaves her longing for more. She falls asleep running everything he says in her head before she goes to sleep. It's all pretend though. A fabulous fauxmance. Never could two people have something so amazing that will never be.

But why? If it's fiction - the ending could be written any way she chooses. It can't though. He's across the country, he is out of her league living a life she could only imagine. He has his career; he is going places. She is just lucky enough that someone so amazing could light a fire in her that she forgot burned. He inspires her to write things that bring a non-romance reading man to his knees. When he says she is beautiful, she believes that he means it. She is; he was just smart enough to see beyond that beauty. She believes he may be the most brilliant man she will ever encounter. It's a fauxmance sprinkled in truth.

They will continue the game until the fire burns down like it will. It always does. He will find someone closer, someone more versed to his lifestyle. She will let herself believe that he will never meet anyone as perfect for him as her. He won't, but she is to him what he is to her. The ONE, just not the ONE meant to be this time around. It happens.

Apparently she is getting really good at pretend romances. Perhaps it's just a preface for the real one she refuses to admit she wants. That doesn't mean she isn't going to write a few more amazeball love letters though just to foster his attention a wee bit longer.

After all, it's what I - ahem  - I mean she does best!

Homesick

I blame my friend and fellow blogger Tim Re (you should read him - he's good!).  He decided that since his ex-wife took the kids to Buffalo to see her family for Christmas; he would take the long trek from South Carolina back to our hometown of Vandalia, Ohio for Christmas.  Couple that with the fact that our fair city and the rest of the Midwest got pounded by a serious snow storm and I have one gnarly case of homesickness.

Now this is a weird feeling for me.  I never get homesick.  I left the cold winters of Ohio for the balmy ones of Southern California 15 years ago and have been back exactly four times since.  After having a falling out with a close family member, the urge to come home hasn't really struck me until now.  Now I do get insatiable cravings for a local chicken wing restaurant  called Frickers, but that's because they don't know how to do wings right out here. That is as far as it goes when it comes to thinking about that 6 hour flight across country. I have a lot of close friends who still live back east and thanks to Facebook I keep in regular touch, but it isn't the same.  I have my 4 best friends who are only a text message or phone call away, but again it isn't the same.  I want to have a girls night out with Tania and Lisa as we drink too much wine and catch up on old times.  I have never met Susie's two kids.  I want to meet Wally's two kids.  I want to see Susie's parents.  I want to catch up with Amber and David and David and all the others it's been too damn long since I've seen.

I don't know why I have an insane urge to be in snow.  I hate being cold.  I go to great lengths to insure I stay warm.  I can usually be found with a tank top under a shirt, a cardigan over the shirt and a scarf from about October to February.  I don't care how ugly my Ugg knockoffs are - they keep my toes warm. The only time I like it cold is when I am sleeping, but even then I have on fleece pajama bottoms with a tank top (I like tank tops - what can I say?) and sleep with 2 blankets and a comforter.  I hate socks, but come winter - I live in them.  All of a sudden though - I want to be out trudging through snow.  Listening to that silence you only experience when snow is falling.  I want to see Christmas lights shining in a winter wonderland (it's Ohio - chances are come March - the same lights will still be up.  They may not be lit, but still up nonetheless.)  I want to gaze out the window and look at an unmarred landscape at sunrise because it's too early for people to be out making tracks.  I may have posted all of this in a previous post & if so - I apologize.  It's just very relevant at this exact moment.

I guess it's mostly because as much as I think I want to go home - I know I can't afford it.  Airfare isn't cheap and I couldn't afford a rental car when I got there.  You tend to want things more when you know you can't have it.  So in the meantime - I will continue to do as I always do.  Facebook the distant friends and call and text the close ones.  While we are apart in person, we are together in spirit.  In the end that's all that matters. 

When I was in High School - we did this song in Show Choir.  While I was none too happy about who my partner was when I had to sing it - I think Ms. Diana Ross in the Wiz sums it up nicely.  I do love me some Diana Ross!

I

I'm glad the Mayans Got it Wrong!

Well according to the Mayans it's supposed to be the end of the world, but  I am still here. None the worse for wear except I think I am catching a cold.  Nothing like being sick for Christmas, but at least I have 4 days to recover.  With a little over a week until the new year and the non-realistic possibility of Armageddon, it got me thinking. This is not usually a good thing, but for once - it isn't a bad thing.

This year, I am not writing resolutions.  They are usually just a list of things I will fail to accomplish anyways.  For instance, I would LOVE to be running, but while my foot is finally healed from the toes breaks, it DOES not like the hard impact of the run.  So I couldn't resolve that.  I could resolve to just exercise more in general, but quite frankly if I get those rare nights at home - I'm hard pressed to leave my bed.  You will find me decked in fleece pajamas and in a Bravo or Netflix coma.  Thank goodness my tv & PS3 both have a sleep timer because I always fall asleep midway through anything I am watching.  I could resolve to find love, but that isn't something you find.  It finds you and the harder you look, the more elusive it seems. Besides - love is the last thing I need complicating my life at the moment. 

Instead I am going to just go with my flow.  I am trying very hard to revamp my style from frumpy mom of a boy who lives in jeans and a hooded sweatjacket to more demure and feminine.  I lost that girly girl vibe somewhere and never recovered her.  My last few years in Ohio, I owned 1 pair of jeans. My entire wardrobe consisted of short skirts, dresses, Mary Janes and 1 pair of Airwalk skate shoes.  Now I am 20 years older and would look ridiculous trying to even maintain that look, but I am still not really sure about this whole grownup look either. I replaced my hoodie with a peacoat style jacket.  I tend to wear my knee high boots a lot and I am addicted to my scarves. I won't lie though.  I was given a Converse.com e gift certificate and hell yes I designed a pair of black Chucks with pink accents/  I am however FINALLY becoming comfortable in my own skin.  I am accepting of the fact that this weight isn't coming off quickly or anytime soon.  Someone will have to accept me flab and all or they aren't going to be worth my time.  I am really hoping that the men in Colorado aren't as concerned with the whole Barbie with a Passport philosophy.  I am in an OK place with the ex. 

I am going to try to maintain my more positive outlook.  This is hard for me because I am a "yes the glass is empty and why the hell can't you get off your ass and refill it - why do you want me to do it" type.  I have made huge strides in that this year and hope to continue on that path.  I think the biggest thing that I did accomplish was finally, really really donkey banishing Fred from my life.  He was really drunk one day and finally professed everything I had ever wanted to hear.  He loved me, he always has and will never love anybody ever the way he loved me.  Then he shut me out completely.  I reached out to him when I was low because the divorce was final.  He ignored me.  I reached out to him when I was published on Midlifebloggers.com which was a HUGE high for me.  He ignored me.  I in turn sent him a kiss off text message telling him when I'm famous, he'll cry himself to sleep over losing my love TWICE and too bad.  Then I deleted his phone number from both my phones and the facebook post where he gave it to me that I always fell back on every time I swore him off in the past.  I honestly have no way of reaching him anymore and I am ok with that.  I should have stuck to it every other time I swore him off, but the heart is stupid and never listens to the brain!

Life is good as the year ends.  I can't tell you when I have ever been able to say that. So bring on 2013.  I embrace it.  I look forward to my move out of state.  I look forward to the adventures it brings.  I look forward to what the new year being single brings me both good and bad. 

What a World We Live In,

I have a 1st grader.  I didn't discuss the Sandy Hook shootings with my son this weekend.  His is six and a half, he is innocent and sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.  Truthfully he didn't ask me anything about it and quite frankly I didn't want to discuss it with him.  The last thing I need or want is to have him afraid to go to school over a "what if". And he would.  He is sensitive like that.  He is at that age where he knows enough about death that he always asks what happens to me if you or daddy die?  He wants to know when he is going to die.  All he really knows about it is that his great grandma, his great grandpa and his cat are in heaven with Michael Jackson. (His words --  not mine).  It was hard enough having to explain why when he is playing outside,  he can't go past where I can no longer see him in  the window.  I had to tell him about Samantha Runnion in the most delicate terms possible.  I had to let him know that not everybody is as nice as he is is or we think they should be.

I admit is was a little hard to drop him off at school this morning, but I did because our lives go on.  And now we deal with the knee jerk reaction going around the country.  The biggest thing I hear is "We need better gun control."  Well it is my understanding that the guns belonged to the shooters mother.  So it isn't really a matter of a gun got sold to a minor, or a mentally unstable person or a criminal.  It belonged to a kindergarten teacher who up until Friday everyone was OK that she owned one.  Do we now restrict all parents from owning guns on the off chance their child may use it to harm others?  Did you know that the same day this tragedy happened; one also happened in China?  22 children were slashed before school along with an elderly woman.  China has strict gun control laws, so knives are the weapon of choice.  We can mandate the strictest gun control laws out there, but as long as there are people out there hell bent to hurt someone - they will find a way.

The way this country deals with mental illness and other disabilities is unreal.My best friend's son has Aspergers and I watch her battle her school district and his school because they can't seem to follow is IEP.  This story broke my heart: I am Adam Lanza's mother.  I personally  have first hand experience trying to navigate mental instability with the state.  I was uninsured and depressed.  My marriage at that point was irreparable.  I was working but wasn't making great money.  My world had hit that spin where I had to let go because there was nothing left to grasp and my head was gone.  I made an appointment at the county agency  and left because I couldn't afford to be seen.  I was called back and numbers were reworked so I could be seen.  When I finally was - I was basically told that unless I was homeless and preaching to nobody in particular on street corners - they wouldn't help me.  They gave me a list of numbers to call - none of whom were affordable except one.  He was a Vietnamese doctor who was not licensed a psychologist or psychiatrist; he saw everybody for every ailment  He gave me something to help with anxiety and allergies.  It didn't help because I didn't have anxiety.  A few weeks later after a brutal fight with the ex - I popped the entire bottle of Atarax and went for a walk. I went to the ER, but changed my mind and walked home.  30 minutes later I was being carted by ambulance to the same ER I had walked to and found myself on suicide watch with an armed guard at my door.  The social worker decided to side with the ex's version of events (patients rights my ass) and found myself strapped to a gurney at 2 am and transported the overnight psych facility.  The doctor there saw that I was harmless and told me I could go home in the morning.  I was also told I was guaranteed an appointment at the same state agency who refused me earlier because I had made an actual attempt on my life.  You know what the agency told me?  We don't have to see you - you weren't actually committed.  10 grand later - I was still depressed, no help and no longer allowed to purchase a gun because I was initially put on 5150. 

I am not trying to minimize the tragedy that occurred in Connecticut.  I think it is  a horrible and tragic loss.  I was devastated for all the families involved.  I was initially angered, but I didn't have all the facts.  I really don't think gun control is the issue here.  It's just easier for the lemmings to band together on a broad issue than to tackle the real issues behind the person holding the gun, who pulled the trigger, that released the bullet, that took an innocent life so therefore ipso de facto nobody should own guns.  Now the LAPD is going to have an officer visit every elementary school and middle school every day.  If this was such an issue - why weren't they there everyday BEFORE this travesty happened?  My son's school had a meeting to placate the parents letting them know what they would do in the same situation.  I didn't attend. Like most CA schools, his is gated and locked.  It's only unlocked before and after school.  It will be interesting to see if they are locked after school today. We as a society are going to be willing to give up many freedoms so that another tragedy won't occur, but there is always going to be someone who will beat the system.  Someone who gets around it and something bad happens anyways. 

I can't lock my son up to never see the light of day again because a sex offender might live down the street, because we have homeless man who pushes carts in our neighborhood because he got kicked out of the garage next to our building, or because something, somewhere may happen and it may or may not directly affect him.  I can't shelter him from everything,  Does it scare the shit out of me to think that he may not be safe at school?  Hell yes it does, but he may not be safe anywhere though. I could get carjacked at the corner as we are on our way to  drop him off to school.  Probably won't happen - but it could.  Instead of instilling the fear of what it- we are going to live in the right now. I won't forget what happened and I will keep my eyes open a little broader to the surroundings - but I am going to let him be a kid.  If he asks me about it - we'll tackle it.  Until then, I will say a prayer for him when he goes to bed and for all the families of this tragedy too.  I think that's my point.  We shouldn't forget what happened, but I don't think we should knee jerk react- but sadly it's what we do.

Holiday Humbugs 2.0

Being single is usually a great thing except for those occasions requiring a date and the December and February holidays.

Every year I seems to get the holiday humbugs.  I'm really not sure why I am being hit with them this year.  It is the first year I have ever outspent the ex on Christmas presents.  Gman told Santa he wanted a Nintendo DS 3DXL which he is getting and a guitar which I can't promise.  He got his Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory DVD early because he was sick (the one with Gene Wilder - not the Johnny Depp atrocity), and still has his Silly Slippeez Sharks under the tree.  That's around $300+ to dad's $40.00 on a Razr Scooter.  Gman's tree is decorated and while it took me a few weeks - so are his front window & bedroom window.  Heck - this is even the 1st year his dad agreed to take him shopping for me.  This should be a great holiday.

It isn't

I hate this time of year.  I hate all the happy Christmas Carols.  I hate the commercials where the person comes out and finds a luxury car with a big red bow on it. I hate the stupid inflatable snowmen underneath a palm trees out here.  Why?  Maybe because the average temperature here is mid 60's to 70's.  Maybe because I haven't seen snow since the last time I was home which was 10 years ago?  Maybe because we are inundated with commercials of the woman opening the little box to find something shiny in it as the man she loves attaches something equally as sparkly around her neck. Maybe because it means that if I don't want to spend the holidays alone I have to suck up to my ex and play nice.  Maybe it's because I am a control freak who is rarely in control and find myself navigating uncharted waters.

Sure I can use having to watch my son as an excuse to miss the work Holiday party because I don't want to show up solo.  Sure I can go out and buy myself something sparkly even though it will be as fake as breasts on a Beverly Hills housewife.  I don't want to though.  This is the time of year I want to stroll hand in hand with someone as we walk down the street looking at Christmas lights.  I want a present that I didn't buy or take my son out shopping to buy me.  I want someone to buy that perfect present for that isn't a 6 years old. I don't get snow living near the beach;  so I want someone I can snuggle up next to as we listen to the rain fall and drink hot chocolate.  I want the ABC Family Christmas movie happy ending.

I will get none of this though.  So, I will indeed suck up to the ex and try to place nice even though as of last night I was banned until January (don't worry - I'm not - even my son knows these bans never last more than a few days).  I will pretend not to care when there is nothing for me to open even though I will have to cough up the cash so Gman can give his dad a gift.  Come New Years Eve, I will kiss the cat at midnight like I have done for the past 7 years (provided the ban isn't in effect) because there is nobody else to kiss.  Then I will start January with a list of resolutions that will not hold past the 31st.  Why?  Because this is my life and as much as I want to change it - I don't know how. I am taking baby steps to try to change it, but Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will Kathy 42.0.

Well here is to wishing for my own Christmas miracle. That maybe for once - just once - things will go my way.  Even if it doesn't happen -  I wish you Happy Holidays no matter how you celebrate it. I hope it is filled with warmth, love and laughter and maybe something sparkly.  I may be grinchy - but not heartless!

This Kiss

 It's the thing that fairy tales are made of.  Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel and  the list goes on and on because their fates were unsealed with a kiss. (Well Ariel's was sealed by the fact she didn't get one and vanished into sea foam - but Disney chose to rewrite the ending.) Every Chick Flick ends with one. There are songs galore sung about it: Kiss- Prince, Kiss On My List -  Hall & Oates, Kiss Me- Sixpence None the Richer, This Kiss - Faith Hill.  You can't escape the kiss.

The first kiss is so daunting.  It dictates what,  if anything that comes next. Whether you are going to make it to date two, or whether you aren't going to make it home until the following morning.  If you are too aggressive; you may scare off the one you hope to attract.  If you are too leisurely; you risk losing the interest of said person. The best are somewhere in between and one that leaves the person longing for more as you part ways.  It is the kiss that I look forward to the most.  I dream about kissing the most inappropriate of people.  I long for the man who has excited my mind (and possibly body) with the skillful art of lips and tongue as his scent lingers on my clothes long after he is gone.

I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed.  I made up for lost time since.  I have twothat have left an indelible imprint in my brain that I fall back to when I am feeling nostalgic.

When I first met K, he was dating someone else and that someone else was not a fan of me.  One evening I found myself at a mutual acquaintance's apartment when lo and behold he came in because he was staying there.  He and his girlfriend had broken up and we spent the entire evening just talking and hanging out.  He walked me home because we weren't quite ready to end our evening.  Another hour of hanging out on my couch with my room-mates and out of nowhere, he leaned in just laid one on me.  Never in my life had the entire room spun while we remained stationary engrossed in only each other.  When I got my land legs back when the kiss had ended - my room-mate dragged me into the bedroom to find out what they hell I was doing because everybody knew K&D were THE couple.  Nobody seemed to know they broke up.  It didn't matter - I was his from that moment on,

Flash forward two years later and after a final break up and multiple failed attempts to get him back - I ran into him downtown in Fountain Square.  I had a large bag in my hand because I had bought a comforter for my bed and was heading for my bus. It was 5:00 and the city was bustling.  We exchanged a few pleasantries, but  I couldn't tell you what led him to kiss me; but he did. This time the world stopped spinning and stood still.  All sounds were drowned into silence.  At that moment - all there was was me and him locked in a passion that I would never experience again. I never did get him back either.

B was different.  I met him at a club and I think I scared him because I commented on how I loved his t-shirt and I knew that it was Dream from the Sandman series. He had a deer in the headlights look about him (probably from the manner in which I accosted him) and that made him that much more endearing to me.  At the end of the night as the club was clearing out, I ran into him in the parking lot. After a few awkward exchanges - he finally asked me to go grab a bite to eat.  I had to drop my friend off at home and he followed me way out of his regularly traveled route.  We found a Denny's near by, ate, exchanged numbers and went on our way.  He followed me back into a more familiar part of town and I saw him pull into a gas station.  Apparently he still didn't know quite where he was and was stopping to get directions.  I pulled in to tell him where to go and leaned in to kiss me through my driver's side window.  He later said it was like a tractor beam pulled him into me (he was a HUGE Star Wars fan). Most would consider making out at a gas station at 3 am terribly gauche, but it was amazing.  I think it was just more the whole culmination of the night as a whole, but it certainly ranks as a favorite.

It is all about the kiss.

Psychos and Sex aka These Things Only Happen to Me!

How was your weekend?  Mine was FAB U LOUS (again with the OC over syllabatizing).  It started out on Friday night when I went to my friend's house to help celebrate her birthday and I got a text message that simply said "BITCH".  It was from a number in an area code that I usually don't date guys from because of the California traffic.  When I asked who it was - I was simply told it was from some guy I screwed over and how he hoped I was happy with myself.  I tried in vain to figure this out and finally got his name which was no help but it was the name of another guy I had been talking to online so I was REALLY confused at that point because I had never talked to him off the dating site.  I had no idea who this person was - but he knew my name, knew details and had my number.  Saturday was more of the same from him.

Sunday, I get another message from him berating me telling me that he would have treated me like a queen, given me a home so I didn't have to rent a room and had a place for my son, would have paid for my entire schooling and would have let me quit my job and supported me 100%, but girls like me don't like nice guys.  Within a few texts, he gave me the details of what exactly in his head I did to screw him over and I finally figured out who he was.  Some crazy dude who was already buying presents for me before we had moved past texting to a real phone call and before we had a chance to meet.  That freaked me out and I blew him off hard.  8 months later he is texting me about how horrible I am of a person.  I may have my own issues - but that dude takes the cake!  I feel extremely justified in my decision to no longer talk to him - I have enough cray cray in my life!

Saturday was a milestone for me. It was the first night I got to go out as a single lady (don't you dare put a ring on it). I was celebrating above mentioned friend's birthday and my divorce and I had only one objective. I would lock lips with someone before I passed out that night. I went to great lengths to help this objective along. A $45 haircut and style (because your hair never looks as good when you do it yourself), $20 on a top that I didn't wear (it was too work wearish), $4.99 6" pink glittered wedge heels (they were sooo badass  & regularly $30) and $10 RED lipgloss in the exact shade Gwen Stefani wore in Settle Down. I've lost some weight and have been running & biking so I ROCKED my miniskirt (the heels helped too) I was ready to go on the prowl to find a man the old fashioned way - drunk at a bar.

I was very proud of myself because I was social and tried to be flirty. Of course I was rather drunk too, but I am very social when I'm drunk which explains a lot about my twenties. I talked to lots of guys and danced until my amazing heels were no longer comfortable. By nights end though - my objective had failed to be met.

Or so I thought.

Only I could go out to a bar to meet a guy and instead end up with a guy from a dating site.

He had messaged me earlier in the evening and I was trying to lure him to the club I was at, but instead he invited me over afterwards.  I ended up breaking a bazillion rules that night

1. Personal rule - no sex with guys from the internet because my thought is if he is asking me - how many other chickas has he asked? How many other others have accepted? How little game must you have to proposition a head shot?
2. Online dating 101 - Meet in a public place.  After a poll of a few random strangers at the club who also agreed- my friend and I decided in my drunken state that it was great idea to drop me off at his place.
3. Online dating 101- Meet for coffee not alcoholic beverages.  Yeah well that went out the door after 5 rum and cokes and a glass of wine before I even left the club!
4. Online dating 101 and Patti Stanger rule (I worship her for her dating sensibility)  - don't have sex on the first date. I have no excuse for failing that one except it really wasn't a date per se  and well - those shoes were just way too fabulous to just end up on my floor - that might have been the alcohol talking at the time though.

Ok - so I only broke 4 rules, but they were big ones.  I do give my friend props for doing her due dilligence in her interrogation of the guy (What's your name?  Last name, spell it, You aren't psycho are you?  Please don't kill her) Now I am not going to give out lavish details - but this was a HUGE step for me and one I fully admit I wouldn't have taken sober.  I am always so caught up in my own head and the rules of dating in your 40's. I don't want to be one of those women who once they are divorced sleep with every man that crosses their path - again - I'm not in my twenties anymore.  My thought process is how I want to be respected for my mind and  not just wanted for my body.  How there is more to me than an amazing rack no matter how fab Belinda and Belylse are.  That holy hell - the prospect of trying to even think about getting naked in front of somebody for the 1st time my in my larger state scares the shit out of me.  That after many years with the same person where it became so routine that it was more mechanical than passionate - what if I don't even remember how to not have sex by rote? 

But because my levels of intoxication were at a level where I was loose enough to not care about anything I listed above  - I learned that a total stranger thought I was hot and my size didn't matter.  I learned that L'oreal Infallible Le Gloss while may be 8 hour wear proof it is NOT kiss proof.  I learned I still remember EXACTLY what I'm doing.

AND

After almost a year a 4 months - I not only got that kiss I was yearning for - I also got that elusive kiss goodnight when I was taken home (yes my friend was TOTALLY relieved he wasn't psycho and I didn't make it home in a trash bag), and a very nice text the following morning.  This is more than any of those damn coffee interrogations gave me.

It was the BEST NIGHT EVER!